Lost in the world inside my head

Rants and poetry.

[theoutcastsays]

[theoutcastsays]

I tend to be doing less of things that are me and more of things that are unfamiliar to me as if i would find myself again somewhere. Like i have looked everywhere  i usually am and couldn't find myslef . Now i am searching in places i have never been to hoping I might be there. I no longer write much . I paint now. I no longer shut the door to the world and lie in my bed . I go out the door and drive in it . I no longer  crave solitude when i am feeling down. Instead I surround myself with niose and people . I get less depressed now but have more anxiety that is simply out of my control. I used to feel every inch of my heart and now i can barely touch the surface of my own heart. l feel like as if i have lost my way and I can't remember how to go back while wondering Do i need to go back? or should i keep moving on  in this direction taking this feeling of "missing more than half of myself " , pushing it somewhere deep down inside?

[theoutcastsays]

Daring, bold and intuitive

Yet always somehow hiding

Right in plain sight

Clear but unclear

Intense and deep

Like fire burning me inside

With a strong desire

Which I cannot control

Still somehow ,

fully under control

Trying to escape my mind

Through my fingers and my skin

Yet doesn't go further

Than my eyes

I get what I can take

Through glimpses

And fuel my imagination

A little more

Like feeding wood to the flame

While it burns brighter

As I tell myself

Express it or

burst into insanity

But I wonder if I should?

I mean I could

but could I?

Would it be worth it?

Would it be reciprocated?

Or would I be left hanging?

Even worse accepted

And admired

But leaving me unsatisfied

On every level

Breaking crystal dreams

Inside my head ,

marking the line

Between imagination

And bitter reality

Once again

More brighter

More clearer ...

[theoutcastsays]

"Chronic dissociation " . They have a word for it . I came across it yesterday. They say a person with chronic dissociation are dissociated from their body and time. Some of them don't look in the mirror often or take photos usually because it tells them " i am here" , a cold hard proof. Some pass through weeks , months or years even without feeling time passing by , time freezing or time itself existing. What time it is they say often , how many days have passed they wonder, completely hazed and with foggy mind. Some escape from their mind and reality , sitting still as life happens around them. Its a side effect of depression . No its something that comes with trauma. They debate about its origin and its process . It seems weird to read about it on paper. It sounds weird to hear it in thoery. It feels more dissociated than dissociation itself. How my years of brutal confusion mixed with agony can be summed in one word followed by two sentences. Strange isnt it?

If someone was to speak before it happens to them. If some one was to speak during it . If someone would just stop dissociating for a second or two to inform they are going through " Chronic dissociation " they might be saved, They wonder. Which makes me wonder, if a person suffering from anything that messes up their mind could halt it for few minutes to analyze the significance of annoucing it why won't they? And if it doesn't happen much often , doesn't it means they are literally physically unable to ? Some us don't even realize its happening until we are few years deep in it and it is about to end.

Heres the real mid-level one episode of "chronic dissociation" for you to understand. Wokeup hazed . Not a thought in my mind . Hurts to think as if i will be seperating an ocean big ball of intertwined mess thread by thread inside my mind. Forgetful about things that involves specially myself . Like looking in the mirror . Or seeing myself in the mirror even though i am standing right infront of it looking at someone on the other side of it , in the eyes . Or taking care of my body or hairs or face. Or looking and feeling my absolutely best. Dont know what day it even though i swear i saw it this morning on the phone. Keeping track of time again and again because i can't seem to remember it. Not feeling day passing by and Night Creeping in. It feels monotonous. It feels still. It feels like I don't exist. And Once its over. I wakeup to realize how many days have been passed and how much i have missed as life kept happening around me. How much hours were wasted as time passed mercilessly and how i am left behind again and i will have to work twice as hard to catch up to the rest of you and some more for next episode of dissociation just to make up for it and to stay in the race.

~ on journey to understand my mind and be kinder to myself

[theoutcastsays]

yet once again

i am left alone

with my own mind,

to my own devices

As the darkness swallows the earth

And the dull moon shines above

As i clench my heart in my hands

As if somehow it would be saved

Atleast for this time , atleast for tonight

Wishes and hopes  , wishes and hopes

Forsaken dreams and whimsical games

All in vain , All in vain.

This way it comes

Here it goes

Quietly and cruelly

Creeping and crawling

Through my viens , in my veins

As it reaches my brain and eats it away

As i watch my heart burst in my hands

Again and again and again .

Yet once again

I am left alone

To live through it for million-th time

As the darkness swallows my mind

And a dull moon seems to shine

Somewhere above

As night passes by swiftly

And i live and die simultaneously

Continously, concurrently and brutally ...

[theoutcastsays]

where to begin ?

where to end ?

or should i say

where is the beginning?

and where is the end?

from sky to ground below,

from my heart to my soul

everything is intertwined ,

hazed , meshed together

shapeless and soundless

yet equally mesmerizing

in a way that i hate it

more than anything

and here i am

sitting through it

waiting for it

to piece itself together

so i can gather myself

and

move on and beyond ...

[theoutcastsays]

[theoutcastsays]

[echoesoftheinfinite]

[dumblr]

I'm used to it.

[theoutcastsays]

I promised myself that i will have some major achievements by time i was 30. However , given circumstances i failed to deliver. Well its not kind to say failed, more like i was on survival mode and probably waking up the next day and giving my all to my little one and it needed tremendous  courage. But personal goals i was putting on hold, mostly because it was too much work mere standing up for myself. But this year, i finally did it. I kept the promise to the little girl living inside me. I really did stand up on my broken feet. It took everything i had. Despite of darkness i felt around me , submerged with fear of what-ifs and unknown, I took that step.  Someone has told me that first step is the hardest and if despite all your fears and anxieties you take it , and keep doing it for other goals you have to achieve, there comes a point where you dont hesitate on taking risks anymore. You jump whenever you get the chance. And i found that to be very true. Along with that tiny first step , i took a few more,  because why not. And each of those little step took me here , where i am a little more content than i was, working on what i love and living the way exactly how i want. I am so proud of myself. I am thankful and I  definetly am counting my blessings.  And I promise to be kind to myself like i was this year. I promise to love myself like i did this year and focus on myself like i had this year. Heres to the new year 2025. May you be blessed for me like 2024 was . May you witness me take myself entirely back from darkness that consumes me and emerge on the other side while i take rest of whats mine , that universe has in store for me. May my stars align with deepest wishes in my heart. May I forget easily and forgive generously. And may I give back to universe without withholding and nothing short of pure kindness and raw love. Happiest New year !!!

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Rudy Francisco

[theoutcastsays]

I am still Learning to count my blessings . Some of them are pure joy . Some of them feels like a burden sometimes. Most of them  are wrapped by insecurities projected by me . A part of healing i have come to know, is recognizing blessings. It is tearing through the walls and seeing things for what they are in that moment in time. It is when you gradually let go of the past that your are clenching in your hands and heart. Its terrifying but peaceful at the same time . Trust the process. Trust in yourself . You can do this . You can heal . You can let go. I promise you its only serenity beyond it . I am still doing it , one step a day. I don't know where it would lead me or will i finally reach the end . I just know my every tomorrow is better than yesterday.  I breathe more freely and happily every passing day .

~excerpts from my journal

[theoutcastsays]

Its almost deafening how silent my mind is.  l try to live outside my head most of the times nowadays and I do succeed usually. But between busy days and in between some minutes and hours, the world goes silent and I am left alone with my head against my will. Reluctantly I peek inside myself and there is this sinking feeling in my chest that I am running out of time . I have to catch all the moments and memories while I can . As if time is a rider dressed in black head to toe , on a black horse , galloping  far ahead. As if it has a rope around my neck and drags me along. Like i can never catch it or release myself from its grip. Or like there is an ocean gazillion feet deep and I keep sinking in it without ever touching the bottom. I just keep on falling down and down into infinity.  So I hurriedly come back out of myself and turn my gaze to something absurd and not me. I go back to my busy weekends and ever so tiring days but those feelings , those wrectched feelings unconsciously  trickles down in every thought that appears  out of nowhere  and every decision  I take. So sometimes I find myself  running after things that never grasped my mind. Sometimes i even find myself forcing things down my heart so that i can collect memories  or anything really. And sometimes it all comes so easy and naturally that i actually enjoy it. Now I put an effort to spark up a conversation againt my deepest will. I make plans and go to every single one of them. Now i laugh a little louder. Now i forget more often . Now i talk to everyone even if our worlds are completly in contrast.  It heals my inner child to be this blunt and daring. Despite of the fact that  somedays it can be those formerly mentioned situations and I often do find myself dragging along situations, relations and people where it gets to the point where it feels more forced and rehearsed instead of  joyful memories and happy moments, I still get those few pure joyful occasions where I actually feel blessed to be alive. Granted i am still finding the balance between these scenarios And i do pull myself out eventually if it becomes a burden,   But I really do think its really worth it.

~ A page from my journal

[theoutcastsays]

I am practicing to be cold. I try to care less and less as i grow old. Time has taught me to hold back sometimes and let go often. You see  i have this rather painful habit of observing details that most would overlook.  Not just that, I observe , I absorb, I become. Like if you would pour water into a rectagle glass , it would become a rectangle for as long as its in contact with that glass. I would lose myself in you and feel your whole world  , the dark , the light , I would read each and every nueron inside your brain for a brief moment. And if we touch , good Lord ! It would become much too real. I would now feel your skin , it's warmth or coldness , your timid tiny moments as your cluster of muscles clench and release. I would feel your bones and their density . I would feel your heart beat. And if you look into my eyes, I would see every line around your eyes and every dip and corner your smile makes around your mouth. I would walk down to your heart and feel some of what you are feeling.  Minor interaction to you , is quite impactful moment for me . I saw you . I felt you . This is going to remain in my ever so tireless mind. This feeling of "i know you"  subconsciously collapse with the sweet heart my mother gave me and I often care more than I should.  Even though now I am more used to ignoring almost everything around me, Still in my vulnerable moments, I sometimes observe, sometimes I absorb and sometimes I become.

~excerpts from my journal of self destruction

[theoutcastsays]

Demons in my head  and monsters around me, I am not scared of them anymore.  When I see them now, I am not afraid . I feel furious . I feel  thousands of volts of anger running through my viens . I swear , if they ever come face to face with me again I will tear them limb to limb .

~excerpts from my journal of self destruction

[theoutcastsays]

Do i make you feel things? He whispered in my ears with a softest smirk on his face .

"Yes" I whispered With a little delay . He smiled playfully , he leaned in even closer and whispered again in his raspy voice . Wont you  ask if you make me feel things ? He asked calmly while holding my gaze and still a playful smile on his face. "No" i said softly with a little tremble in my voice. He looked deep into my eyes  and his smile became a little smaller as a look of concern mixed with curiosity danced in his eyes. "Why baby girl? ".

" Because i dont wanna know " i looked down as my heart suddenly became so heavy that my chest could hardly carry it.

I could feel concern and curiosity turning into empathy as my last words wiped what was left of his smile and  few layers off of his thick skin. He sank a little more down in himself and held my face to look me in the eyes and asked even more softly " why?" .

" Because then it would become real . If i feel things i can just keep them in my head and tell myself its just a day dream . "  .

" Now why would you do that to yourself?" 

" Because i am scared.  Infact i am terrified ... " my voice began to shake and so did my body . He held me with all his might and pulled me even closer till there was no distance between us , not in any universe. "I love you too" . He whispered . " i will keep your heart as if its made of thin glass  , You ll see baby girl" . He said as he kissed me . And i gave in reluctantly.

~H.I.M ( heroes I Imagine)

[theoutcastsays]

I don't pay attention to the world ending. It has ended for me many times and began again in the morning .

~writer unknown