The Picket Line

It's a two woman, one man show!

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Improv Sex Retreat

The Midwest is home to thousands and thousands of improvisers, some of whom have never met, but would love to f*** each other.

Some that have studied the same lessons, the same sext, the same positions, the same TILFs (Teachers I’d Like to F***), and have hoped to grow (their erections) under the same guidance of the golden rules.  No golden showers please.  Those players have dreamed the same wet dreams, maybe with some variation (Threesome, S&M, Gay stuff, people who have sex with furniture); the good ones – well, the really good ones – just want to be GOOD, really, at f***ing – and attempt to live by the same principles we practice on stage: 

LISTEN TO DIRECTIONS. PLAY WITH NIPPLES. SHARE YOUR DISEASE. THINK. BREATHE. REACT. UNDERSTAND THE FEMALE ORGASM. BE AFFECTED, NOT INFECTED. GIVE A DAMN GOOD BJ.

Say yes to butt stuff.

Some f***ers got together, and all said yes to a thought - even though it might be crazy – one weekend soon, let’s all be together, a new way… like inside each other.

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This is what happens when Erin and I get drunk.

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When Leenie and her sister get drunk!!!

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How To Get Yourself A Man

As a young, well-moisturized woman living in a big city, it is my good fortune to observe the full spectrum of human mating rituals. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve become a bit of an expert on attracting the males of the species. And, because I think everyone deserves their own happy ending, I’m going to share my wisdom with you …

Look Approachable!

It’s important to look hot when you’re out, but not so hot that you scare the men away. The key is to look natural. Make sure your skin is naturally flawless, your hair is naturally blown out, your eyes are naturally shadowed, your lips are naturally sticked, your hips are naturally good for childbirthing, and your pheromones are naturally signaling your desire for male companionship. Your Prince Charming will approach, naturally.

Play Hard To Get!

So he’s noticed your existence – great! But it’s important that he doesn’t know that you have noticed that he has noticed. Showing absolutely any interest in him will cause him to head for the hills faster than the Von Trapp family confronted with Nazis. If he tries to talk to you, don’t make eye contact. If he texts you, wait 73 hours before replying. If he calls you, report him as a stalker to the police. If you go on a date, hire some ex-mob muscle men to rough him up a bit afterwards. You’ll have him wrapped around your finger.

If You Eat Tacos And You Drop One On The Floor, Don’t Eat The Floor Taco.

It’s just not safe.

Keep Things Light!

Now that you’ve hooked him, you can’t help but imagine your future together. A storybook wedding, two ginger children, the largest house in a quaint Norwegian fishing village? Chill! Getting too serious too soon can be a death sentence for any relationship. Quell your delusions of romantic grandeur by lowering your standards a bit. Thinking of getting a dog together? Play with the rat who lives in your alley instead. Rather than meeting each others’ parents, try meeting each others’ favorite baristas. Planning a romantic trip to Paris? Trust me, you’ll be better off hitting up the waterparks of Wisconsin Dells.

I See You Looking At That Floor Taco, Stop It, You Don’t Need It, Be Strong.

Believe in yourself.

Spice It Up!

Just because you can’t get too serious, doesn’t mean you can’t have some serious fun, right? Keep him in your meat locker of love for longer by keeping him interested. Surprise him by sewing all of his pants together into a pants quilt! Keep him guessing by spreading rumors of your own infidelity!  Bring some new heat to the bedroom by setting yours on fire! He won’t be able to keep his hands off of you, once the burns heal. 

I Know You Ate The Floor Taco, Now The Dark Lord Xarnoff Shall Feast On Your Soul.

He requires blood. 

Wax Yourself!

Hairlessness is next to Godlessness. Or something. I don’t know. Just get rid of your body hair. All of it. This is a must if you hope to keep him around for the long haul. The human body in its natural state is horrifying. 

Sorry about setting that demonic creature on you. Wow, that is a lot of blood.  

Written by Lisa Mongillo, follow her at @lisa_mongillo.

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The Mega Huge Football Game Ad

A Picket Line parody of the infamous Anna Kendrick video for Newcastle Brown Ale

Starring: Lisa Mongillo, Lieenie O'Connor & Joe Otto

Directed by: Joe Underbakke

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7 Things to Do While Your Friends are Hitting Life Milestones

     For improvisers in Chicago, it’s easy to feel like you’re getting left in the dust in terms of hitting the normal milestones on the road of life.

  Without the nightly commitments of performing in shows, watching shows, downing craft beers, and doing bits about Dave Grohl that you could totally turn into a webseries, your non-improv friends are killin’ it in life. They’re climbing the career ladder, becoming actual doctors, buying homes with crown molding, birthing kids they’ll be able to afford to send to college, and probably even managing an investment portfolio for Dave Grohl. Meanwhile, you’re performing a two-man improv set in the back room of an obscure bar on a Tuesday night just to feel something.

  Don’t worry; there are plenty of ways for you to feel like you’re still a contributing member of society.

  1.     Save money on home décor

No one expects you to have grown-up furnishings. For goodness sake, you’ve dedicated yourself to an art form that five-year-olds can basically do instinctively. So keep that twin bed, hang a tablecloth to section off your part of the loft, and adorn your shelves with fun trinkets like dolls you found in your neighbor’s trash! 

2.     Convince your colleagues you live a double life

You’re always rushing off to one theater or another. Why not give vague excuses about where you are going and what you are doing? People will be intrigued by your air of mystery. Are you a spy? An undercover cop? A Canadian pop star?  Keep em’ guessing!

  3.     Live out your FRIENDS fantasies

You spend a lot of time in coffee shops and tend to hang out with the same group of people … are you living the fantasy ‘Friends’ life you dreamed of when you watched the show growing up? You sing funny little songs while you play guitar like Phoebe. You have an improviser ex you can’t get away from à la Chandler and Janice. YOU. GOT. OFF. THE. PLANE. (Or, you would, if you found your own Ross/Rachel.) You’re basically the hip young urbanite you always wanted to be, just don’t forget to pause for laughs in everyday conversation.

  4.     Grow the s*** out of a plant

Sure, your friend Amy is becoming a pediatric oncologist, but you can still play God too – you can keep a potted plant alive for the entirety of its natural lifecycle. You’ll be ready for a puppy soon … Wait, what’s that? You went out every night this week and the plant died? Okay, perhaps try a cactus next time.

  5.     Watch every episode of Twin Peaks

Because you need something to keep you company while you stay up all night brainstorming bits for your five minutes of solo material. Why 'Twin Peaks?' You'll understand once you start watching. Anyway, it's better than being left alone with your own thoughts for an extended period of time. Go ahead, put that Netflix subscription to good use! As an added benefit, you’ll learn some sweet early 90’s references to pepper into your next show. 

  6.     Get everything you want

Maybe you started doing improv because you thought, “This will be a great way to get Lorne Michaels’ attention,” but you kept doing it because that feeling you get when you’re performing is incomparable. The rush you get from the audience, the support you receive from your teammates, the freedom to do anything you want on stage. Yes, sometimes you get bogged down with audition nerves and instructor notes, but ultimately your only obstacles in the improv world are self-imposed.

  Want to perform on a 3-man team? Start one. Want to put up a sketch show? Stalk whoever runs your theater of choice. Want to make a video of yourself crumping to a Dave Grohl song? Grab a friend with a camera. When it comes to improv, you can make pretty much anything happen. You don’t have to wait around to get your boss’ approval or pass that CPA exam or save up that down payment. The truth is, you don’t really care that your non-improv friends are hitting those ‘normal’ milestones, because you would be miserable if you weren’t doing this. So go ahead and get everything you want out of it.

  7.     Finally earn your father’s approval

Just kidding … that will never happen.

Lisa Mongillo is from the Village of Arlington Heights and is a William & Mary alumna. She is a member of The Picket Line. She tweets by the handle @lisa_mongillo. Sometimes, in the night, she dreams of Donny Osmond.

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We’re happy to announce that Joe, Lisa and Leenie (The Picket Line) have graduated from the Second City Conservatory Program. Check us out at the Atlantic Bar and Grill on February 6th at 8pm!!!

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IN RESPONSE TO 'IN DEFENSE OF HEELS ON STAGE' ... IN DEFENSE OF JUNK ON STAGE

This is a response to the Second City Network article 'IN DEFENSE OF HEELS ON STAGE,' which tells female improvisers that wearing heels on stage will remind the audience that they are women. We thought such a ridiculous point deserved an equally ridiculous counterpoint...

Marilyn Monroe once said, “If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.”

And, boy, is it ever true! Why else would you, as a man, do comedy if not to trick women into bending to your every whim? The key is for you to make sure that women understand it is a man who is making them laugh. If they get confused and think they are looking a woman on stage, they might not give up their job and sense of free will to submit to a life of chewing your food for you. There is only one solution: perform with your junk hanging out. Worried you’ll be at a disadvantage without an enclosure for your manhood? This is how you rock out with your rocks out… PICK A SET When I said ‘junk,’ you may have gotten confused about which junk I was talking about. Whose junk should be hanging out of your pants? The best choice here is the one that is going to make you most comfortable. In most cases, this is going to be your own junk. That’s right, you don’t need to get all fancy and throw down your entire Whole Foods salary on some Michael Fassbender equipment. You’ll be absolutely fine using your own penis and ball-sack. ADD SOME SPICE Guys, we’ve all seen the standard ‘male improviser outfit.’ But in case you’re blind, like Steve is ever since he got in that car accident because he was distracted while getting road-head, let me break it down: shoes, socks, pants, shirt, and maybe – if you think Lorne Micheals might be in the audience - a tie. That is fine, but it’s just a bunch of clothes. There’s nothing there that will make you stand out as a MAN comedian. Here’s a fun pop of style to do the trick: whip out your junk. Want to mix it up during that ten minute long bachelor party scene? Whip out your junk. Want to make an impression during that game of freeze tag? Whip out your junk. Want to remind the audience that you have junk? Whip out your junk. When in doubt, just whip it out. STRAP YOURSELF IN When it comes to junk, security is paramount. No one wants to see a scene where you are running around stage playing a centaur who is nervous about coming out to his parents when suddenly your exposed penis falls off! Make sure your wang is firmly attached to your body. Usually skin will do the trick, but don’t be afraid to weld it on there with a flamethrower if you want to be extra safe. PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT By now, you’re reading this article while holding your iPhone firmly in one hand and your ding-dong firmly in the other (those looks you’re getting from your fellow passengers on the bus are of pure jealousy). You are totally on board for this junk stuff. But … wait a minute … what’s that image creeping into your mind? Is it your twelve-year-old self … at summer camp … when those bullies pulled down your pants and duct-taped you to the flag pole? Why, oh WHY did you choose that day to go commando? There you were, adhered to a pole with your own pole hanging out there for everyone to see. And, OF COURSE, it was the only cold day of that entire summer. You’ll never forget the laughter of the other campers, the sneers on their faces, the way they dangled those gummy worms at their crotches as they chanted wormdick … wormdick … wormdick … Take a deep breath, re-suppress that memory, and come back to reality. Now look down at your lap. Is your junk out? Good! Now, wait ten seconds. Okay, look down again. Is your junk still out? Great! See? You’re doing it! Do you feel safe? Secure? Straight chillin’? Then you’ve already overcome your biggest obstacle: fear. You may want to rush out to perform with your junk out right away, but make sure you practice a little more first. It probably took you ten more seconds to read those last few sentences – look down, is your junk still out? Wonderful! Okay, now you ARE ready. BE MANLY (IF YOU WANT. BUT IF YOU DON’T WANT, YOU’RE DEFINITELY AN IDIOT.) Let’s not forget the point of all this. The most important part about whipping your junk out on stage is that it reminds the audience you’re a man. And, if they understand that, they will lose their MINDS at how funny you are! Sure, it’s a pretty basic way of showing you are a man, but let’s not forget who you are really showing this to – WOMEN. And women are nothing if not unobservant and unable to grasp subtlety. Like Don Draper once (probably) said, “You want respect? Go out and get it for yourself. And while you’re out there, make sure your penis is on the outside of your pants.” Men’s bodies are different than women’s bodies: they have penises, so they are better. And as a man, your comedic point of view is entirely based off of the fact that you have a flesh-colored sperm gun attached to your pelvis. (Did you make sure to extra-attach it with that flamethrower?) From the first loincloth to today’s skinny jeans, women have always made men hide their true comic identity by covering their junk with clothing. Don’t let the women win. Show them who’s boss. Want to whip out your true comedic genius? Whip out your junk.

Lisa Mongillo is from the Village of Arlington Heights and is a William & Mary alumna. She is a member of the Picket Line. She tweets by the handle @lisa_mongillo. Sometimes, in the night, she cries over the gigantic spider she is hallucinating.

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Improv Ensemble Episode 1: Guns

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Watch thee three members of The Picket Line in 'Improv Ensemble.'  Funny people!  What will they come up with next?

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Here it is, the Improv Ensemble trailer. Enjoy!!!

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The Joe, Lisa, and Leenie have been hard at work with their Conservatory Class on 'Improv Ensemble.'  Check out this trailer!