The Poor Balladeer @thepoorballadeer - Tumblr Blog

(to the tone of creep by radiohead) but i'm asleep. on mypillow

the foreboding sense of doom? oh yeah i know that one. just double check you have your wallet, keys and some chapstick, works every time

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

was expecting to reblog this with a tongue-in-cheek reply to the many people saying "this didn't fix me :(" but somehow not a single person in the notes is disagreeing. everyone's just nodding their heads thoughtfully bc yeah that's how you deal with the Foreboding Sense Of Doom, that's good protocol

tachyon-at-rest

Do the Doorway Macarena: pat yourself down repeatedly to the tune of your panicking soul.

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

DOORWAY MACARENA

valtsv

forced love confessions are whatever but forced hate confessions make me foam and froth at the mouth. show me someone visibly tormented by their own catharsis, wracked with the shame of losing a fight with themself. show me someone who leans in and twists the hand clutching the knife buried to the hilt inside them. cross the wires of desire and disgust with me.

valtsv

+ don't forget to have them both throw up afterwards also

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

woo i am such a fan of dramatic plants. just prissy fucking plantlife, be it unreasonable or implacable or ostentatious. plants, man

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

u know what yeah, let’s talk about weird nonsense plants

1. Living Stones

these plants imitate rocks. who does that?

imagine deciding to straight up evolve into rocks as a defense mechanism. i had a whole rant planned but now i’m remembering that i have, in the past, on multiple occasions, daydreamed about being a rock. like that has been a recurring theme in my rich inner fantasy life. i would not forsake the opportunity to evolve into a stone.

2. Hooker’s Lips

ostentatious. flamboyant. vulgar. garish. randy. dare i say whorish? yes. this plant is whorish.

pucker up you hussy

3. Hoya Hearts

overused trope. lacks subtlety and creativity. truly, they just went with the first thought to pop in their head, no brainstorming involved. “ho ho ho i’m just gonna grow into a fucking HEART, that’ll show em!” Needy & basic bitch. looks cute on a desk

4. Lifesaver Plants

manages to be both psychedelic and disapproving. reminiscent of a prudish great aunt–but like, one who did a lot of LSD in the 70s. evidence of an alien lifeform who crash landed and then decided, fuck it, i’m gonna rent a one-story in the midwest and decorate it with vintage wood paneling & floral upholstery. probably smells like stale weed and glass ashtrays

5. Happy Alien Flowers

yes that is their NAME. sort of anticlimactic, but take a gander:

they are absolute sluts for drama, as demonstrated by the little hussies pictured above are YELLING AT ME. they bring to mind seagulls engaged in a Shakespearean blood feud. this flowers have committed aggravated manslaughter and probably got away with it too.

6. Bat Plant

aka Cat’s Whiskers aka Devil Flower. how fucking emo is that??? this plant listens to mcr and is probably the gay cousin. they never got the hang of eyeliner but that doesn’t stop them from trying, bless em. their impetuous devil-may-care persona is hindered by their crippling social anxiety. i’m immensely fond of this plant. they’ll come into their own once they graduate and move away from college, but in the mean time they sit with the tech crew at lunch. you go little Bat Plant!

7. Dancing Plants

total band kids. also called Semaphore Plants, bc they look like they’re trying to flag down a plane. nifty fuckers

in conclusion, three cheers for whiny, namby-pamby, scatterbrained plantlife

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

so you’ll reblog THIS and my Non-Comprehensive List of Cursed Bird That Piss Me Off, but Whimsical Creatures Failing To Tempt Me Into The Ocean is where tumblr draws the line huh

wheres-lostboy

I am absolutely delighted to show you this orchid the ‘Naked Man’. It’s an orchid native to the Mediterranean and it looks like a lil dude with a tiny penis

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

PROPORTIONALLY SPEAKING

caats

dysfunctionalroomba

valtsv

can't stop thinking about how hysterical project hail mary would be from rocky's pov when you consider that, by eridian standards, basic human functioning is simultaneously an incredibly hostile and violently perverted body horror fetish nightmare. imagine you make first contact with an alien and it's an apex predator with an obscene number of orifices, made up mostly of toxic substances that it oozes constantly from said orifices, thrives in an unforgivingly cold and suffocating atmosphere, is highly motivated by searching for its next meal + consumes its food publicly in violation of your society's main taboo, and is capable of rapidly transitioning from vulnerable in sleep to alert and in full possession of its faculties at the slightest change in stimuli. grace is in a heartwarming scifi buddy comedy and meanwhile rocky is bonded with and planning on bringing home his species' equivalent of the xenomorph.

valtsv

POV you're welcoming home your planet's heroic saviours

cassettefuturism

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

*sighs* we sent four astronauts up and four came back huh

annaisuagain

Were you expecting more?

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

five was the bare minimum for me

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

oh well. there's still the moon ghosts

noknowshame

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

good night & sweet dreams to people who haven’t gotten that tattoo yet, people wearing sweaters even if it’s still too warm, people w/ crooked noses, teenagers who don’t know yet how much better things will be, people who prefer not to use emojis bc the eyes look like they’re watching u from any angle, anyone who uses mouthwash bc brushing every night is hard, people who are kind when society tells them kindness is unnecessary, people who use subtitles, anyone who did that one specific ritual i TOLD you not to do i TOLD you the invocation would have dire consequences and now LOOK at the state of the world, what have you done sweet jesus what have you done, people who foster pets, and that one lady i made out with during a 2018 halloween party who told me i had “tiny eyes but they see too many things” and then kissed my nose before wandering off to find a bathroom. i hope you all get a good night’s sleep, please know i am watching

articulate-anxious-atheist-deac

I’m sORRY I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR A DEMON BF, OK????

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

when has a forbidden archaic ritual EVER gotten you a demon boyfriend??????? when has that ever happened??????

valtsv

sexualising a blade sliding between the gaps in plate armour

valtsv

yes it's obviously penetrative imagery but it's also + more importantly about the intoxicating, terrifying helplessness of being violently reminded of the limitations of your attempts to defeat your own vulnerability