N.P.J.P.

Personal accounts that are revealed from beneath the surface of a troubled soul.

[therealnpjp]

Bi Guy Problem #32

The times when people seem to obsess over your preference to try to figure out what gender you are more attracted to so that they can place you in their own internal categories. 

[therealnpjp]

Only Addressing This Once

I have had this guy present in my life for the past several years and I feel like over the course of time I have let so much slide by when it came to him. I would let him speak to me however he wanted and I allowed things done to me that I would not let others even do to me under any other circumstance. I wasn’t in love with him, but I did like him a lot. He would tell me that he cared for me, but it was obvious I wasn’t good enough to date. The last time we hung out alone was a few years ago and I haven’t seen him since because of the events of that day. This is something I want to talk about because it will help me move on from it. I have talked about it with other people, but I still don’t feel okay on the inside of myself. I don’t want to go into detail, but I do want to say that he disrespected me more than anyone else in my life and I allowed it to happen. One minute we were cuddling and the next moment I was jamming his hand out of my pants. I will never forget that day as long as I live and I can never share that with my family as I know they will look down upon me for me putting myself in a situation like that. If I am cuddling with you, let it be that, and stop trying to force me into sex especially when you have never claimed me as yours. I feel like this guy only wanted one thing from me and that is sex and I am so relieved I never gave my body to him. He used my own loneliness against me and I intend to not let him continue to remain in my life in 2018. The final straw for me happened a bit ago because I deliberately stopped talking to him for a couple of months or so and I intended it to be forever, but my heart told me to give him one last chance to change, so I opened up communication again. It seems like the only thing he wanted to talk about was his body and how he wanted me to please him. He didn’t ask how I was doing or what to know what I have been up to, so he went straight away in discussing how he wanted me to fulfill his needs even though we are not even boyfriends mind you. I am not just someone that is going to fulfill a fantasy of his and I am tired of lowering myself to such conversations just to keep someone that is no good for me in my life.

An outsider looking in would ponder why I wasted so many years on a guy that clearly only had the end game of hurting me in mind. I guess you could say there was this undeniable chemistry between us. I felt like I was his, but at the same time, all I wanted to do was free myself from him. He would show signs of improvement and that would draw me back to him. I just cannot continue to throw myself into a toxic connection with someone especially when the intentions of the other person are clearly laid out on the table right in front of me. This guy has taught me to look beyond someone’s words and pay attention to behavior and treatment. I kept asking him questions a few weeks ago basically asking him how he saw me honestly and truly. He sat there and detailed how he wanted the sexual encounter to play out and I just sat there and watch him type all of this stuff. I feel like someone who really wanted to be with me would not resort to such conversations off the bat. I know he cannot offer me much as a person and I stupidly still stuck around. I opened up my heart to the wrong person and I am someone who can admit this major mistake. I know I cannot rewrite history, but I can alter my future by making sure his absence from my life stays permanent. I know it is not going to be easy, but I believe in myself. I need him gone from my life for good. I don’t want to get sucked back into this connection that I want so badly to die. I literally felt like I was another person talking to him and that really has scared me. I don’t want to feel like I have lost control or let my feelings cloud my judgment. I know way more about him than he does me and that says quite a lot if you ask me. Some things are better left unsaid, so I am going to take that notion and sever any further ties I have with him. I have blocked him on social media and blocked his number on my phone. I am ready to move forward with my life and finally start to heal.

---> N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

When You Notice Other People’s Lack of Acceptance of the LGBT Community

If you ever have witnessed conversations over an extended period of time where others make jokes that you don’t find funny or say things to you expecting you to be straight and you just sit there in total disbelief would be precisely what I have been experiencing as of late. I think that many people feel comfortable with telling you things that they would not say in front of someone who is openly out even though people I have recently told regarding my sexuality said they already have noticed my attraction to men. I feel like when they make comments about others in the LGBT community, they are also poking fun of me. Sometimes I find myself having conversations with others in our community and I have been told that they already know without me even saying it, which is actually very comforting for me. I hope we can live in a society one day where sexuality is not highly criticized in this world and people can exist in this world without the anxiety of wanting to come out to those around them. It should be no big deal for someone to want to love who they want to love in their own lives. It is refreshing when I confess my attraction for men and it not raise any concerns with other people. I want to be myself and not have to hide that side or feel like I have to for the sake of the views and opinions of others who shouldn’t even be factored in on whether or not to conceal my true identity. Recently I was asked if I wanted to be set up on a date and they had a few women in mind, but see that is automatically assuming who I am attracted to because what if I wanted to be set up on a date with a man? When I am in pursuit of a woman, it is celebrated, but when I am going after a man, I am totally condemned for it. When I am attracted to a man these days, I just keep it to myself because I know I cannot openly express that side of myself. I know who I can tell these things to and who I cannot and I have to say that the latter certainly holds the majority. You can tell a lot about someone by the words they speak when it comes to words they use to describe someone who is gay or bisexual. This world needs to practice more acceptance and cast out those who try to judge people for seeking to be their true and natural selves. 

Thanks for Reading,

N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

Today I turn 27 and I hope this year will be my year to come across that special someone. Here is to hoping I cross a particular path that leads me to someone I can build something really good with and progress.

[therealnpjp]

“You Thought I Was Glass, but I am Actually a Diamond”

This is what was told to me very recently when I am opened up about my struggles in the dating world. It seems like I am drawn to the people that do not see any value in me. I do not do it on purpose and I have found myself pursuing the type of person that I know in my heart does not care about me. I can no longer try to build something with anyone who does not seem to reciprocate these feelings. Have you ever felt like you’re the one that seems to be fighting for the other person’s time and wondering why they think you should be on their time? Whether it has been a man or a woman that I felt some attraction toward and tried to take it from there, it doesn’t seem to work out the way I thought it would and then I am left hurt. I have thought that I could finally release the feelings I have buried deep down inside of me, but I have learned that if people wanted to be a part of your future, they would fight to be there. I know I am still young and I have my whole life ahead of me, but I just see people around me in successful and committed relationships and cannot understand why I am not in one. I am not an object that someone is going to use for pleasure and I am not going to be the one person that is going to continue to reach out to someone who doesn’t have good intentions for me. Saying you care for me and actually showing it are two different things. I am not going to settle for less and communicating with the guys I have in the last year, I feel like I was beginning to head down that road.

There are men and women that I have been seriously attracted to, but in the end, all I have left is not good enough to be with them. I want to meet someone who actually keep my interest and who will see the best in me. I feel like I am beginning to show acquaintances around me the qualities of my heart and I am hoping by opening up, someone will see what my heart has to offer. This is a reminder to the men and women who have rejected me in the last year. You may have hurt my feelings and caused me to go in a rather emotional tailspin, but I am starting to get grounded again. If I am a diamond as I was told, then I know the one for me is going to find me one of these days. I cannot keep searching for something. I need to rather let it find me unexpectedly.

---> N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

Happy New Year to Everyone! Hope this will become the year where those of us hoping love finds us actually does. Whether you are straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, transgender, pansexual, or any other orientation, we all deserve love. No one should ever tell us what love is and who to love. It’s 2017 and people need to see love as something other than between one person and the opposite sex.

[therealnpjp]

How Someone So Familiar Has Now Become A Stranger

You ever feel that the crush you have held within your heart for so long has been a complete utter waste of time, but you wouldn’t change the hurt you have experienced from the heartbreak? I am at the point right about now. There were days I would just sit and cry wondering why he did not want me. I wondered why I was consistently being ignored, but then I realized that if he truly cared even an ounce, he would see that my persistence meant that I cared. I cannot continue to keep trying with nothing else communicated in return. I clung on to hope and maybe that wasn’t the best idea, but I get the distance between us did not make his heart grow fonder for me, but it rather forgot about me. I saw the most beautiful part of what good could come out of a friendship. I thought we could pick up where we left off, but that was my mistake. I know it takes to make even a friendship work, but I let distance go by because that is what I am used to not realizing that I truly missed him. I have realized that my mistake was holding close the belief that he may have felt something for me all those years ago and never acted on it. I got that vibe then and within the last few months, I just went for it. Of course my story does not have a happy ending, but I don’t get to choose how the stories end, just how the begin and how they play out usually surprises me.

I hope that a man or even a woman can see my heart for what it really is: real. I want someone, but I don’t ever want to give the impression that I need someone either. I think with that guy I may have tried too hard, but finding someone like him even as a friend has been so hard to find. I have to keep in mind that I shouldn’t push away others who do not measure up to him. I wish he knew how ignoring me has really made me feel. It really has hurt me, but I am sure that he doesn’t even give me a second thought. I hope he find true happiness with someone in his future. I tested the unknown waters of putting myself out there and all I have found was my heart getting completely stomped on and I was left to pick up the pieces by myself. I remember having someone tell me this year that I needed to seek professional help. I know I deal with pain, especially emotional pain, in a self-destructive way. I know that I need to really work on that, but I am human and one day I will learn how to do this as well. My advice to any bisexual guy reading this is to go for that opportunity to really connect with another guy or girl and do not let too much time pass by before you make your move. I have failed in this area, but I know this was my mistake to learn from and I am ready to keep pushing forward. I will let love find me because when I went out looking for it, I discovered there wasn’t any love waiting for me out there. 

Signed A Bisexual Guy,

N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

Fantasy versus Reality

A few weeks ago, I was with a friend of mine and we went to go see the guy I have talked on and off with over the last few years. Keep in mind that I have not seen him in a good three or four years. I sat down with my friend and I kid you he did not say all of five words to me. He has told me that he really likes me and that he cannot wait to see me. The day finally rolls around and he did not say much to me. It actually made me feel relieved in a way because I knew all that he has told me was all talk. I was right there and he didn’t ask how things have been or how I was doing. This is someone that wants my heart, but yet can’t even initiate a conversation with me. He tells me what he would say or do if I were around and absolutely none of it took place. He can text up a storm, but when I am in his presence, he is completely silent. If you were serious about me. you wouldn’t care who is around and you would express how you feel just like in your several text messages to me. I am not going to enter into a relationship with someone who cannot be consistent. I remember all that he has said and none of it matches up when I came face-to-face with him. He clearly was just spitting some game to me and that was it. I want someone who is very direct in the way that he or she feels. Don’t sit there and text me telling me how much you are feeling me, but when it comes to telling me in person, you cannot even do any of the sort. My heart is not broken nor am I hurting from all of this actually. I knew this was going to happen and sure enough my suspicions were right. The only thing he tried to do was hug me before I left with my friend, but I swerved very fast because I am not going to hug someone who did not say five words to me. I am at your place and you act like I don’t exist. The minute I left, then he decided to text me. I am not into someone with such split personalities. Don’t text me if you can’t tell me in person how you feel. What would really impress me is if he did that. Dating another bi guy would have been nice, but I need to remember he is not the only one in this world.

---> N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

Don’t Continue to Allow the Mistreatment

I have been talking this guy on and off for the last few years, but it has not gone anywhere. It is just mindless and meaningless flirting as how I have seen it. He has told me that he doesn’t have feelings for me and then in the next breath tells me he loves me. I cannot sit around and continue to allow someone like this in my life. He keeps mentioning to me lately about taking things to another level meaning entering into a more physical type of thing. I am not here for that as I am not going to be intimate with someone I do not love. He continues to tell me that he knows I love him when I have never said it and I do not love him. The last thing I ever want to hear out of anyone’s mouth is telling me how I feel. You don’t need to sit there and tell me that you know I love you when I have never said it. Love is a powerful word and I have never said that to anyone in my entire life as far as crushes or significant others go. I know who I want and who I don’t, so I would appreciate it if he would stop trying to make the decision for me. All I want to do now is pull away from him. I keep asking myself why I continue to allow someone as toxic as him to remain in my life. I really need to start holding myself in higher regard. This year has given me so many emotional scars that I really need a good man to come in my life. I am not going to settle for a guy like this who just wants one thing and one thing only. I know he is attracted to me, but looking ahead, I do not see a future with him. I think I keep him around because at times I get lonely and he knows me very well, but that is not a reason to continue to allow someone to talk to me the way that he does. If someone really respects me, the last thing they will bring up is getting intimate with me before even dating me. I was raised better and I know this. I try to talk to the guys that aren’t any good for me. I need to quit him completely and distance myself from him and actually commit to it. 

The only time I feel like he was honest with me this year is when he said he really didn’t have feelings for me and he just wanted a friends with benefits type of situation, which I would never do anyhow. He also told me he didn’t care for me when he was dating someone. I don’t want someone to date me by default. I want to be their best and I want the other person to be mine. He is telling me that I will never find anyone like him or anything better. I am around people everyday, so I know that is a complete and utter lie. This world is a huge place and the buck doesn’t stop with him. He doesn’t get how I feel and instead tries to tell me how I should feel with him. I have told him several times I am taking things slow and just following my heart. I need a man and I seem to keep falling for these boys out here. I need to put myself in a position where I need to let the fact that they may hurt me get to me so much. I am a good guy with a big heart and I know I have the capacity to love someone. I just don’t love him. I am not desperate for being in a relationship and I will never be his rebound. He may think he is going to play me but I am always going to be one step ahead. I know the difference between love and lust. I would never cry over him if he and I never spoke again. The one I cried for earlier this year was the guy I really wanted to be with, but he couldn’t see what I had to offer. I have learned to accept that the person I thought that guy was ended up being the guy I thought he was. I convinced myself he was different. but he proved to be like the rest. I know with all these attacks on my heart, I know the right man will come along and be there to show me what love is. I want love in my life, but I also do not want it at the expense of my own feelings. I have found out that I just don’t gel well with guys who are always just so negative. I try to be there and show them that things will get better, but they don’t see where I am coming from and don’t see my intentions. I just cannot wait until I find that person that steps up and pursues for a change. I know I am worth getting to know. If you are in a similar situation where you feel stuck, just know we can do this. We can and will detach ourselves from the toxic individuals in our lives. 

--> N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

Never let anyone in this world define your happiness. You know what makes you happy and no one can ever take that away from you. When someone threatens to take away what you've built, remind yourself your castles of dreams will never crumble.

N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

I am proud to be who I am and I love who I am. I am not afraid to say it and I have accepted myself for who I am. You cannot change these feelings. The longer you repress them, the worse off you become. Let us be who we are and love who are hearts tell us to in life. We all just want to go in the direction of happiness and it is important to remember there is not only one route to get there. There going to be people in our lives that say they do not understand it, but we don’t need you to understand it, but just support us for having the courage to be who we really are. --> N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

I am bisexual and I stand against biphobia. Reblog if you want to erase this as well.

[therealnpjp]

Bi Guy Problem #31

When you wish more people would be open-minded when it comes to dating a bisexual guy. Don’t close the door on a potential match because you are unable to accept us for who we are. 

[therealnpjp]

Never Settle for Anyone Less Than What You Deserve

I have never been the type of person to want to give my heart to someone who I know deep down does not deserve it. Just because someone may like me does not mean I see a future with them. I am in search for something stable and something that can truly be lasting. I am not the type of person to want to waste my time with someone that I cannot look ahead with in terms of a life partner. I find myself talking to guys with no prospects in life or guys who want me for the wrong reasons. I am a human being with a heart and I do have feelings. I think that I am able to read whether someone is really into me or not when they say that they are and nine times out of then, they are not. I would just appreciate if someone would just be honest with me for once about their feelings for me and stop telling me what they think I want to hear. Recently, I had someone tell me that they love me and I have never said that to anyone. I cannot understand how someone can use that word when that is so serious to me. I take the word love extremely seriously. I can only say that when I know in my heart of hearts that this person unlocks all of the best parts of my heart. Saying that you care for me and actually showing that you do are two different things. How can you love someone that you don’t know that well? I think that if someone is using that word before we even have gone on a date is a bit of a red flag for me. It is too premature to be saying those things to one another and for me, that is my sign to pull away. I want to develop those feelings gradually. I am tired of meeting the ones that want to rush right into a relationship. I want to be in a relationship badly too, but I also want to be with someone whom I have a genuine connection with and not enter into something to fill a void that I currently have in my life.

I think that the older I get and the more times my heart gets broken, it just brings me that much closer to the right person for me. I want to meet that person who will be my other half so to speak. Someone that will be by my side no matter what I will go through in my life. I am very capable of loving someone and I just think things have not fallen into place yet for me. I want a man or a woman who shares the same values as me. I am constantly being described as an old soul and I think that it would be nice to find someone like me. I do not want to be with someone out of sheer convenience. I know in the coming year, I need to not let my loneliness be my downfall. I know that 2017 is going to be my year to put those toxic people I have kept around in my life and leave them behind me. Push away the people that you know are not going in the same direction in life as you. I am working toward being the happiest me that I can be and I am also honest with the way that I feel. I know someone will show me respect one of these days for it. I am emotional and sensitive and I am not ashamed of it. I like who I am and I need to find the person who can understand me in that light as well. Here’s to hoping the coming year is filled with new possibilities. The doors are right in front of me and I am ready to open them. --> N.P.J.P.

[therealnpjp]

Bi Guy Problem #30

When a straight guy is bicurious and is flirtatious with you, but you don’t want to be someone’s chemistry experiment.

[therealnpjp]

Bi Guy Problem #29

When we are ostracized by other members of the LGBT community.

[therealnpjp]

Bi Guy Problem #28

When a gay guy won’t date you because you self-identify as a bisexual male.