Tales of Past

[theriskycowboy]

And after years of living, I hope that it shows

I hope when you see those deep lines across my face you'll know I lived.

I felt it all,

The beautiful

The quiet

The ugly

And the silly

I hope it shows, I hope my body is a map of my life. You'll see the stretch marks I gained with each child.

The scars from being brave

The hobble from riding to many broncs my aunts couldn't ride anymore

The calluses on my hands from honing new trades

And in the end I hope you see my smile, a smile filled with life from the life I was given. From being surrounded and known simply by those that I loved.

And I hope for a moment it doesn't scare you too bad to age a life well lived.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

Perhaps I was lonely

I wanted what they had in the movies. A group of friends so close that could do anything together.

So instead

I found the people who'd play the part. Maybe only for a little while, but I guess it worked.

Perhaps I was tolerable

I let them do the things they wanted and didn't interfere too much. I really wasn't present but I tagged along.

I just needed to grow up

Then maybe I would've known they weren't my friends after all. I should've just done it on my own and I would've found the people I was really searching for.

But it took some time

Eventually I left them and wandered on my own. I guess that's the better part.

I never truly wanted them

I just wanted someone to go through it all with.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

I hear her hum from the bathroom as she sings to you. The voice I've known my whole life.

It brings back fragments of memories,

Running down those stairs to see her sitting there with that long untamed carameled hair. She looked up and smiled at me, and I thought she was so beautiful.

Memories of different times float to the tune of her song

And I'm there watching her read those stories. She'd make all the different character noises, how those stories would come to life when she read. I still see them in my mind.

Tears well up inside me listening to her,

I'm there sitting on that ornery pony as she teaches me. Sit up, keep your elbow in, and for heaven's sake smile like you're happy to be here. I won fair with that teaching.

So many memories of that voice.

Always my mother, but now she's your grandma. And I get to watch as she reads those stories to you. Hear her laugh as you run away, giggling.

Her tune slows my heart and I'm back in her arms one more time.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

I chase you from dream to dream. Leaping from one to the next looking for you. I guess it's my last desperate attempt to hold you once more.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

My Wild One

My wild one, the memory of you burns in the front of my mind.

I see those sunsets hues setting behind the cotton woods your grandparents grew.

I hear the pounding of the hooves on that hollow ground. Your legs wrapped around that painted torso, your body leaned in so close you melded into one. The two of you seemed to fly.

I can see your dark brown hair as it whipped behind you. Your wild grin smeared across your face.

How is it I've never met someone as wild as you? Someone who'd race the devil just to prove to him you could win.

I feel the wind as it carried you on, urging you both to go faster, to fly farther than ever before. You'd disappear in those sunsets hues behind those cotton woods.

But I'd wait for your return.

The memory of you burns in the front of my mind, my wild one, my devilish woman. I'll watch you run to those sunsets until the world stops turning.

My wild one, come find me when you're done. Race the devil to the end of the earth, but promise you'll return on that sweet summer breeze. Let me watch you again as you race on that painted torso to those cotton woods once more.

My wild one, I'll be here waiting with the trees watching those summer sunsets waiting to see your devilish grin once more.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

If I woke up tomorrow with no memory of you, would my lips still know yours? Would my hands reach instinctively for you as you passed me by? When looking in those hazel eyes, would my soul touch yours? Would I know you when my head rests so perfectly in the crook of your neck? Would your smell bring me back to that first night we met?

Would I know you in ways unspeakable that I couldn't deny?

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

The Sad Truth

I have no words of comfort

I guess that's the sad truth

You look to me for help

For guidance

But instead you'll find silence

I have no knowledge that could be beneficial

I guess that's the sad truth

At the end of the day

I'm only human

And I have no words of comfort

I guess that's the point

We learn

We grow

Until one day I've learned enough

That I'll have the words to say

But i guess that's the hard truth

Someday I'll know too much

I'll have seen too many things

That I'll have those words you search for

But at the cost of a life long lived

I guess that's the sad truth of it all

No one will have the words until the end

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

And I'll wait for the day that I feel your heart race so I can dance to the beat once again

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

"And all at once"

And all at once, I'm back in those green fields that seemed to roll on forever. The smell of dirt right after rain, how it never truly seemed to dry out, and that musty smell seemed to follow wherever I went. The feeling of those rare glimpses of sun shining through that heavily clouded sky. How they warmed my skin.

And all at once I'm back in that wild blackberry patch. Hands and face stained a purplish hue. How she'd laugh when I'd come through that kitchen door and lovingly tell me how I'd get sick eating too many of those. How her laugh warmed my soul.

And all at once I'm standing in that old barn watching him start the tractor. An old John Deere that breaks more often than not. How I'd find him in his study reading his books, the smell of leather couches and him would flood my senses. How his presence warmed my heart.

And all at once I'm standing at those gray headstones. Looking at names I never called them by. How the sun doesn't quite seem to reach me the same way it did those long summers ago. Her laugh fades in the back of my mind. I catch her smile in glimpses of people and my heart hurts. How I'll smell him on a random passerby and I'm drawn back into that study. My senses confused and my heart strained.

And all at once, I'll know how lucky I was to be so loved by them even after they're gone.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

I never asked you to pick up the pieces.

I honestly didn't think you'd see them litered across the floor.

But, there you where

Your quiet hands slowly but surely picking up each piece. You examined each one with such care making sure that not a thing was out of place.

One by one, you put the pieces back. Each one handled with such care I'd never known before.

Your calloused hands so gentle with my broken bits. You studied me so thoroughly that you knew where each one went.

I didn't think you noticed the pieces scattered across the floor.

But, there you where

Ready to weld me back together again.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

From a young age I knew you'd play a role in my life. I don't know why or how but I knew. I wasn't around anyone that knew you and most told me you where bad news.

I did my best to stay away, but there I was in that old crumbling house, hands shaking as I took you in. I left that night a different person. Something in me had changed.

You followed me wherever I went, nagging at me in the back of my head. Made me think I needed you to function. I needed you to be me, I was wrong.

But time took its toll. My hands only shook when I didn't have you, and I couldn't see straight without you. My head only felt good when I had you with me. I was miserable waiting for you again and again.

It took time, and I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't need you anymore, I needed to live and I couldn't do it with you. They warned me that you'd be no good for me, but it took too long for me to figure it out.

You're gone now and I miss you on those warm summer nights when I'd get buzzed just right. But my hands no longer shake and I can see straight without you now.

I'm better off without you, but I still think of that first night when they handed me you and my hands shook.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

I think it must be a defense mechanism, this way I act.

I think I'm scared of losing you. I think I'm scared that you haven't seen the worst part of me yet and I've been lying all along. I think I push to see if you're really there, if you'll stand and take it and piece me back together once I'm done.

I think it must be a defense mechanism, the way I react.

I think I check out in order to preserve. I think I laugh and smile when, in fact, I want to yell. I think I'm more sensitive than I'll let on, words sting and dig deep, but I'll smile through. I think I'm scared, and it comes out as anger, I can't be seen to be weak so I'll be mean instead.

I think it must be a defense mechanism, or perhaps I'd love better.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

Memories threaten to surface. Held down only by slim will.

Through the haze, I catch a glimpse

I see a different time, one warped from view. It's not quite the same as it once really was.

Twisted and faded they've turned into something else. Not quite the same as I once thought.

They dance through the fog, singing my name.

Their tunes have changed from what they once were. Happier, lighter they call out this time.

They want me back, back in those memories.

But through the haze, I see you. Standing firm, hand out stretched, waiting for me. Fingers slip through the smoke, and I find yours.

Clasping hands you pull me from my memories.

The air is lighter here, the smoke cleared. I feel as if I can finally breathe with you by my side.

They hum a quiet tune, hoping to pull me back. But you stand firm and their smokey grasp fades in the light.

But that's all they are, just a whisper of time that once was and will never be.

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

Invisible strings I pull behind this veil.

One here, one there all to keep her safe

She doesn't remember me anymore and won't in this life

But once we were each other's everything.

We stood side by side in that great battle, I knew with her by me we'd never fail.

Sword on sword, shield on shield

It was an intense and bloody battle, so many gone, but she stayed beside me and wouldn't let me fall.

Blow after blow, she held them back

Blood seeping from her ribs, she carried on. Pressing them back one by one.

I'd never known someone like her. She saved my soul that day and I told her I'd pay the price. That small smile graced her lips but she shook her head no

So here I stay, pulling these strings to pay an eternal debt she can't remember now.

Battles she still fights with me by her side, but this time it's me bleeding in the ribs as I take another blow to keep her there.

She can't remember me now, but I will never forget that small smile that graced her lips. Blood running from her ribs as she held out her hand.

My angel, my friend

I'll stay here besides you till the end

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

The Blue Bear

My fiercest protector, my loyalist friend

I never went a night without you by my side

Traveled all over together and there besides me you came

Even when I got "too old" to have you I still drug you along all the same

Followed me to all my loneliest places and back again

My fiercest protector, my loyalist friend

My sister gave me you when I was only 5, now almost 20 yrs later you're still here

Your job has changed now

You no longer look over me, but my most prized possession

In his crib you sit, watching over him

My fiercest protector, my loyalist friend

He doesn't understand the battles you've fought

You get tossed to and fro, but you never quit

He's gentler with you than all the rest, as if he knows who you'll become

His fiercest protector, his loyalist friend

My dear Blue Bear, old and worn. It's not quite time to quit just yet

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

You know me better than anyone else. We ran through childhood together, throwing fists and kicking.

Man, how we hated each other.

You'd take half an hour sneaking up the stairs to make sure you scared me good.

I've been paranoid ever since.

How I'd take your dolls and cut off the hair when you'd make me mad and hide it in your bed.

Man, how we hated each other.

You took me out with a rake and left me for dead in the front yard.

How I punched you and all that blood came oozing out and we thought I broke you.

Man, how we hated each other.

Then with time we grew, first apart and I have such little memories of you around.

You left for college and I stayed behind the first time we'd truly been separated.

And I missed you,

A feeling I never thought I'd feel.

Then came the calls,

We talked all the time and I told you every day to day detail no matter how boring.

My sister, my best friend. How did I survive with you? But how could I live without you?

•tb

[theriskycowboy]

The Story of Us

When I'm gray and withering away, can we talk about the story of us one more time?

How your hazel eyes shown so bright against those florescent lights. The way your smile finds me.

How you never stopped asking about me even when I was gone.

How you were "too young" for me and I wasn't even going to give it a chance. But you kept on at it and I caved.

How you were the best decision I've ever made, the man who learned me inside and out.

Tell me the story of us one more time before I go. So I can leave knowing I lived life right.

Holding your hand and kissing those soft lips, drag me back to when we where young and could go all night.

The giggles that echo through my ribcage as we roll on the floor like children.

How my inner child has never felt so seen as when I'm with you.

Tell me our story so I can go with a smile on my face.

How we raised our kids and did it wrong. Laugh at it all and know we tried our best.

The heartache that we helped each other through.

How we knew no one could ever walk with us through that.

All I want to hear is the story of us, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Tell me it all one more time before I go.

•tb