The Sarcasm Central

I don't need ur sass

[thepigeongazette]

without spite my heart may actually stop

[djsubatomic]

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Inspired @connorsquarter ‘s post

[canadianstuck]

One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.

[ournameisfun]

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

[sammysausage]

When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, “Are you with him? What’s his name?”

She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”

He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”

Naturally, we erupted with “WE LOVE MILKSHAKES” and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, “I bet you’re real confused now, huh, JASON?!”

[windyvalleyzone]

ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid

[jxhn-mulaney]

i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”

[thesarcasmcentral]

DID EVERYONE FORGET THE CREDITS IN MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL?

[bearyourcrocs]

this is the photoset I have been waiting for.

[bophenbean]

[castielsthrobbingmember]

what kind of show is this

[distractful]

ITS BACK!!! movie night masterpost! all links work as of august 11, 2014 (if you want to request/recommend movies here) I’m reposting this because it was highly requested and it got deleted for the second time, I also added more films!!

[distractful]

10 Things I Hate About You

13 Going on 30

17 Again

21 Jump Street

22 Jump Street

27 Dresses

(500) Days of Summer

A Cinderella Story

Aquamarine

Bride Wars

Bring It On

Bring It On Again

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Clueless

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Confessions of a Teenage Dramaqueen

Crazy, Stupid Love

Disturbia

Donnie Darko

Easy A

Ella Enchanted

Forrest Gump

Freaky Friday

Friends with Benefits

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Girl, Interrupted

Great Gatsby

Grown Ups

Grown Ups 2

Jennifer’s Body

John Tucker Must Die

Juno

Just My Luck

Labour Pains

Leap Year

Legally Blonde

Legally Blonde 2

LOL

Lolita

Maid in Manhattan

Mean Girls

Mean Girls 2

Miss Congeniality

Miss Congeniality 2

New Year’s Eve

New York Minute

Pitch Perfect

Princess Diaries

Princess Diaries 2

Project X

Pulp Fiction

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

She’s the Man

Silver Linings Playbook

Slumdog Millionaire

Stuck in Love

Submarine

Sucker Punch

Switch

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The Devil Wears Prada

The Heat

The Hunger Games

The Last Song

The Notebook

The Parent Trap

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Proposal

The Tourist

The Virgin Suicides

The Vow

Titanic

V for Vendetta

Warm Bodies

Water for Elephants

What Happens in Vegas

Yes Man

Final Destination:

Final Destination

Final Destination 2

Final Destination 3

The Final Destination

Final Destination 5

Harry Potter:

Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets

Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix

Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince  

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hollows Part 1

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hollows Part 2

Men in Black:

Men in Black I

Men in Black II

Men in Black III

Pirates of the Caribbean:

The Curse of The Black Pearl

Dead Man’s Chest

At World’s End

On Stranger Tides

Star Wars:

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Episode IV: A New Hope

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

The Clone Wars

Saw:

Saw

Saw II

Saw III

Saw IV

Saw V

Saw VI

Saw 3D (7th Movie)

Step Up:

Step Up

Step Up 2

Step Up 3

Step Up Revolution

The Hangover:

The Hangover

The Hangover 2

The Hangover 3

Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit:

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Twilight Saga:

Twilight

New Moon

Eclipse

Breaking Dawn: Part 1

Breaking Dawn: Part 2

Marvel:

The Amazing Spider-man

The Avengers

Captain America

Fantastic Four

Hulk

The Incredible Hulk

Iron Man

Iron Man 2

Iron Man 3

Spider-man

Spider-man 2

Spider-man 3

Thor

X-Men

X-Men First Class

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

X-Men The Last Stand

Disney:

Aladdin

Aladdin The Return of Jafar

Aladdin and the King of Thieves

Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland 2010

The Aristocats

Atlantis the lost Empire

Antlantis Milos Return

Bambi

Bambi II

Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2

Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3

Brave

Brother Bear

Brother Bear 2

A bugs Life

Camp Rock

Camp Rock 2 The Final Jam

Cars

Cars 2

The Cheetah Girls One World

Chicken Little

A Christmas Carol

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn treader

Cinderella

Cinderella II Dreams come True

Cinderella III A Twist in Time

Collage Road Trip

Cow Belles

Dadnapped

Dinosaur

Dumbo

The Emperors New Groove

Enchanted

Escape to Witch Mountain

Fantasia

Fantasia 2000

Finding Nemo

Fox and the Hound

Fox and the Hound 2

Frankenweenie

Frenemies

Frozen

Game Plan

George of the Jungle

A Goofy Movie

An Extremely Goofy Movie

Halloweentown

Halloween town II: Kalabar’s Revenge

Halloweentown High

Hannah Montana Movie

Hercules

High School Musical

High School Musical 2

High School Musical 3

Holes

Home on the Range

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

The Incredibles

Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget 2

James and the Giant Peach

John Carter

Jungle Book

Jungle Book 2

Lady and the Tramp

Lady and the Tramp 2

Lilo and Stitch

Lilo and Stitch 2

Lion King

Lion King 2

Lion King 1 ½

The Little Mermaid

The Little Mermaid 2

Lizzie Mcguire Movie

Marry Poppins

Mars Needs Moms

Mickeys Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the house of mouse

Monsters Inc.

Monsters University

Meet the Robinsons

Mulan

Mulan II

The Muppets

National Treasure

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Oliver and Company

Oz: The Great and the Powerful

The Pacifier

Peter Pan

Peter Pan 2

Phineas and Ferb: Across the 2nd Dimension

Pinnochio

Pixel Perfect

Pocohantos

Pocahontas 2

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Princess and the Frog

Princess Protection Program

Race to Witch Mountain

Ratatouille

The Reluctant Dragon

The Rescuers

Return to Halloweentown

Robin Hood

The Santa Claus

Santa Claus 2

Santa Claus 3

Sky High

Sleeping Beauty

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

The Sorcerers Apprentice

Space Buddies

Spooky Buddies

The Suite Life Movie

Sword in the Stone

Tangled

Tangled Ever After

Tarzan

Tarzan 2

Tarzan and Jane

The Tigger Movie

Tinker bell

Tinker bell and the Great Fairy Rescue

Tinker bell and the Lost Treasure

Tinker bell: Secret of the Wings

Toy Story

Toy Story 2

Toy Story 3

Treasure Planet

Tron Legacy

Underdog

Up

WALL-E

Wizards of Waverly Place Movie

Whinnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Christmas

Whinnie The Pooh Movie

Wreck-it-Ralph

Your Friend The Rat

101 Dalmations

101 Dalmations II

102 Dalmations

[thepigeongazette]

without spite my heart may actually stop

[duhpendent]

*sticks my leg in the air* give me attention

[himsdaily]

[mcdyke-deactivated20171112]

women don’t exist to take care of men

[lacorgi]

[mattonious]

give em the ol’ razzle dazzle

[sirskii]

[sirskii]

*passes blunt

[goddessofidiocy-deactivated2019]

what will future historians do with this 

[911official-deactivated20200526]

this is The Human Experience

[dankmemesreasonforliving]

[straightgirls]

this doesn’t fit my blog at all but i had to post it here because this story is legit the wildest thing i’ve seen this month and everyone needs to see it. unmute this I PROMISE YOU WON’T REGRET IT

[girlschasinggirls]

omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[joebidensanonymous]

IMPORTANT PSA: this is Joe Biden’s favorite meme

“When former Vice President Joe Biden first learned of the viral memes featuring him and Barack Obama, he “sat there for an hour and laughed,” his daughter Ashley Biden tells Moneyish. She would know – she’s the one who broke the news to her dad. His favorite one? An image of him and Obama hugging, above a caption celebrating their eight years of partnership.” (Source: Moneyish)

[s]

if a british person is named shaggy does it kinda feel like being named fucky?

[craiganthonywells-deactivated20]

The first time I watched Scooby Doo I was distraught

[s]

that’s what I wanted to hear