These Jokes Are Dead

Hopefully these timely jokes make you laugh. If they don't, you have the rest of the Internet to explore, so stop bitching. Go watch a cat video or something. Thanks, Bret & Jordan Raybould

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Monologue Jokes: May 31-June 6

Hey gang!

If you keep reading you will soon come across a set of jokes that we wrote about the past week of news.

Hope you enjoy!

For one of his charities, author George RR Martin is promising to give the highest bidder the chance to be killed in one of his Game of Thrones novels.   Of course, first you have to be a character people actually like.

For one of his charities, author George RR Martin is promising to give the highest bidder the chance to be killed in one of his Game of Thrones novels.   Hmmm… what’s the best way to raise money for charity? “Murder!” says George RR Martin excitedly.

    In South Carolina, a loaded gun was found in the grocery aisles of a Target, much to the fear of the staff and customers.  Although, if you want to send the message that projectile weapons aren’t allowed at your store, perhaps your logo shouldn’t be a target.

  Dan Marino, who sued the NFL over concussion claims, has now retracted the lawsuit, saying he was confused when he filed it… Probably from all the concussions.

  Last night, a nun won the Italian version of The Voice. This is the first time a religious leader has won a reality competition since the Dalai Lama won Real World-Road Rules Challenge.

Last night, a nun won the Italian version of The Voice.  Fittingly, her winning song was “All the Single Ladies.”

  Lego is launching a new line of figurines that includes female chemists, paleontologists, and astronomers. Great: More unrealistic body types for young females to try to live up to.  (*Hold hands in pinched motion to resemble Lego hands*). 

  A New Orleans homicide detective was fired after he painted on a crime scene wall using the victim’s blood.  He was asked to turn in his badge and gun and watercolors.

A New Orleans homicide detective was fired after he painted on a crime scene wall using the victim’s blood.  Which seems like fair punishment until you realize: we draw outside the victim’s body with chalk.

  China is reportedly bulldozing dozens of mountains to make way for cities.  Mountains are reportedly running for the hills BOOM WORDLPLAY.

China is reportedly bulldozing dozens of mountains to make way for cities.  Because if we didn’t have enough to fear about China and their inevitable ascendance to global supremacy, THEY ARE NOW LITERALLY MOVING MOUNTAINS.

China is reportedly bulldozing dozens of mountains to make way for cities.  I knew it was a mistake for Obama to name John Henry the ambassador to China.

  The CIA has recently joined Twitter.  This social media move is on the heels of their becoming mayor of the Pentagon on FourSquare.

The CIA has recently joined Twitter.  This is their second swing at social media after their string of bad luck on Tinder. 

  In Russia, after an accused felon claimed to be 13, authorities ordered a medical examination where doctors looked at his genitals and estimated him to be above age 17, thus getting him tried as an adult.  Weird: our government only gets to look at our private parts if we text them to someone.

In Russia, after an accused felon claimed to be 13, authorities ordered a physical examination where doctors looked at his genitals and estimated him to be above age 17, thus getting him tried as an adult.  Ahhhh, of course: the ol’ “I’m just a 13 year old with an 18 year olds dick” defense.

In Russia, after an accused felon claimed to be 13, authorities ordered a physical examination where doctors looked at his genitals and estimated him to be above age 17, thus getting him tried as an adult.  Knowing Russia’s judicial system, he’s probably also on trial for flashing the doctor.

  Citizens of the Southhamptons are reportedly harassing the Kardashian sisters to leave their city since their presence “cheapens the brand.”  They’re doing it all wrong; if you want drive Kardashians out of your city, build a library.

Citizens of the Southhamptons are reportedly harassing the Kardashian sisters to leave their city since their presence “cheapens the brand.”  “We just don’t want any rich assholes here” said one of the rich assholes.

  A school in Oregon is making condoms available to students in the sixth grade.  So, recess, just got a whole lot better. (photo: condom water balloon fight).  

  The city of Cleveland is considering implementing a “losing tax” which would punish its professional sports teams for losing.  Now coming to Cleveland: Bankrupt sports teams.

The city of Cleveland is considering implementing a “losing tax” which would punish its professional sports teams for losing. 

A new study finds that working extra extra hard isn’t really worth it.  Researchers found this out after staying up all night to finish this study.

  A judge in Florida reportedly told a lawyer he’d beat his ass, then actually did.  The judge is defending himself with “Stand your ground.”

A judge in Florida reportedly told a lawyer he’d beat his ass, then actually did.  Although it’s kind of unfair. He’s got a gavel.

A judge in Florida reportedly told a lawyer he’d beat his ass, then actually did.  Just in case you needed more evidence that Florida’s judicial system was flawed.

  A Japanese clothing line has replaced the “Small Medium and Large” sizes with “Skinny Fat and Jumbo.”  Those labels may sound harsh but they were better than their original “Anorexic, Porker, and Whale.” 

Congratulations: You read to the end!

Love,

Bret and Jordan

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Monologue Jokes: May 22-May 28

Hey everybody,

It's been awhile. Nonetheless, we are back and BADDER THAN EVER.

Below are some monologue jokes about the past week of news. 

Hope you enjoy scanning your eyes across them and then processing that information into your frontal cortex and then laughing.

Bret and Jordan

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were married yesterday in Florence, Italy.  “I do,” said Kanye West when asked if he still loves himself the most. 

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were married yesterday in Florence, Italy.  Kanye West was reportedly disappointed when he lifted up the veil and didn’t see a mirror. 

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were married yesterday in Florence, Italy.  “God I’m going to let you finish but I had one of the best sermons of all time,” bombed the priest.

A University of Tennessee fraternity member was taken to the hospital after burning his genitals from pouring hot sauce on them.  In his defense, his dog was getting tired of peanut butter.

The New York Times has reported that 23-year-olds are now the largest age demographic of people in the U.S. “How swag,” said an old person hoping to relate.

One New Yorker has filed a lawsuit suing hundreds of different people and organizations and he is demanding two undecillion dollars in damages.  Although this is more money than there is on Earth, it’s still not enough to pay off Greece’s debt.   

One New Yorker has filed a lawsuit suing for, this is true, every penny on Earth, or as New Yorkers call it: rent.

New E-cig flavors are being released including Thin Mint, Tootsie Roll, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch – which is perfect for children looking to buy a Douchebag Starter Kit.

Girl Scouts of America have issued a cease and desist to E-cig companies for incorporating their brand name into new E-cig flavors.   It was the most adorably delivered cease and desist letter ever. 

Girl Scouts of America have issued a cease and desist to E-cig companies for incorporating their brand name into new E-cig flavors.  They are now one step closer to getting that intellectual property litigation merit badge. 

  The city of Portland’s water supply has just tested positive for E. Coli.  “E. Coli? Oh I hear that’s in right now,” said one Portland hipster.

The city of Portland’s water supply has just tested positive for E. Coli.  And their air tested positive for pretentiousness.

  In Washington, a man was pulled over and busted for driving pantsless on the highway.  Or, at least, he was pulled over wearing pants and then tried to devise a way to get out of the ticket.

In Washington, a man was pulled over and ticketed for driving pantsless on the highway.  Although 150 dollars is a small price to pay for your balls feeling like HEAVEN.

In Washington, a man was ticketed for driving pantsless on the highway but informed the police that pants were uncomfortable after his Brazilian wax.  The officer confiscated the man’s license to manhood.

  A pair of thieves who stole a person’s iPhone were able to be caught because they sent a selfie on a stolen iPhone.  Still, their biggest crime was taking a selfie.

A pair of thieves who stole a person’s iPhone were able to be caught because they sent a selfie on a stolen iPhone.  Which made for the most interesting lineup ever.  “Number 4, please step forward and do your best duckface.” 

A 10 million dollar yacht capsized even before it first set sail.  “Don't look at me,” said the iceberg desperately trying to come up with an alibi. 

A 10 million dollar yacht capsized even before it first set sail, which is sort of like the best problem ever to have.  Along with “My personal masseuse's hands are cramping up." and "Help! Help! I'm drowning in 100 dollar bills."

A 10 million dollar yacht capsized even before it first set sail.  [mockingly] “Pffffffftttttt,” said Titanic.   

A 10 million dollar yacht capsized even before it first set sail.  Fortunately, all of the members of the crew exited safely, except for the heroic band. 

A new line of edible gold has been launched, just in case you want your poop to be a status symbol. 

  This is true: It’s being reported that Darth Vader is running for political office in Ukraine.  Which in a way could make Vladimir Putin Luke Skywalker which in every way makes no sense.

It’s being reported that Darth Vader is running for political office in Ukraine.  “Who dares make a mockery of Ukraine’s elections? That’s my job,” said Putin.

It’s being reported that Darth Vader is running for political office in Ukraine.  You can tell it’s not actually Darth Vader because Darth Vader doesn’t believe in democratic process.  Totally inconsistent with character.

It’s being reported that Darth Vader is running for political office in Ukraine.  He might win, because if there’s anyone who rein in Putin, it’s a man who’s spent time running a ship called the Death Star.

It’s being reported that Darth Vader is running for political office in Ukraine.  America can hardly judge; for years our second most powerful leader was Emperor Palpatine. 

  In protest to owner Bon Jovi moving the Buffalo Bills, Buffalo bars have reportedly banned the singer from stepping foot in their establishments.  To be fair, “Living on a Prayer” had to have been written about The Bills’ year-to-year playoff chances.

  Levi’s CEO said yesterday that you don’t need to wash your jeans more than once a year.  Washing once a year: This is referred to as the Ke$ha School of Hygiene.

Levi’s CEO said yesterday that you don’t need to wash your jeans more than once a year.  “And…your point...?” said everyone.

Levi’s CEO said yesterday that you don’t need to wash your jeans more than once a year.  Coincidentally, once a year also describes the washing practices of Ke$ha. 

  Police officials have released their process for getting rid of leftover drug evidence, and, man, does it look fun. (photo: police w coke all over lips).

  A new law has been passed in Germany that rules that citizens must delete all erotic photos of ex-lovers.  I’m sorry, Angela Merkel… [takes out plastic box filled to brim with manila envelops].

A new law has been passed in Germany that rules that citizens must delete all erotic photos of ex-lovers. 

  In Norway, a student ate his own surgically-removed hip as part of an art project.  An art project, or even Ramen was becoming too expensive?

In Norway, a student ate his own surgically-removed hip as part of an art project.  “Exhibit A as to why you should choose med school,” said fathers.

In Norway, a student ate his own surgically-removed hip as part of an art project.  The hip has been added to the school’s meal plan.

  NYPD police are being armed with a new tool, a heroin antidote.  Or as its known to heroin addicts: More heroin.

  Seniors at a high school in Tennessee are facing misdemeanor charges after their cafeteria food fight went awry.  Let’s just say the judge was not kind with his verdict (photo: judge with spaghetti on his dome piece.)

  “Frankenmeat,” so-called because it is grown and cultured in a lab, will not be hitting store shelves anytime soon, due to complications in the production process. “We’ll take it,” said Tyson. 

  Thanks for reading to the end. Love,

B & J

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Monologue Jokes: Jan 17-Jan 23

We meet again.

Below you'll find some topical jokes written about the last week of news. Yes, I am aware including topical in that last sentence was redundant.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read the jokes until you get bored and move on with your life.

It starts in o-500 hours.

Bret and Jordan

President Obama discussed marijuana in an interview and said, “Weed is not more dangerous than alcohol.”  Which is the first time, a president has gained credibility by ending the sentence with “…man.”

  It’s being reported that Queen Elizabeth will pass off some of her duties to her son Prince Charles such as floating through the air with an umbrella.

It’s being reported that Queen Elizabeth will pass off some of her duties to her son Prince Charles such as scowling.

A new study concludes that drinking cow urine may actually be good for you.  “Wait so they don’t pee milk” said a severely misinformed me.

A new study concludes that drinking cow urine may actually be good for you… If you’re pledging the Kappa Alpha fraternity.

  Norway’s Olympic curling team released what they are wearing to the Winter Olympics.

They said their style inspiration was NBA Press Conferences.

  Police in Ohio reportedly pulled over a drunk driver, picked him up, and then dropped him off at a Taco Bell.  What’s the opposite of police brutality?

Police in Ohio reportedly pulled over a drunk driver, picked him up, and then dropped him off at a Taco Bell.  Although the man’s receipt was way more expensive than a ticket. (photo of receipt with over $750 spent)

  According to a new study, babies can “fake cry” to get what they want.  “Oh so he’s faking it,” said the father who dropped his baby and then misinterpreted the study.

  To her surprise, a nun in Italy recently gave birth to a baby boy.  She gave birth to a baby boy, and an adorable sitcom premise. ( Cheesy sitcom with title “Nun of Your Business” and tagline: 30 nuns, one baby: In the name of the father, nun, and Holy Moly!)

To her surprise, a nun in Italy recently gave birth to a baby boy.  How did she get pregnant? I’m guessing it had something to do with the Sacramental Wine Coolers.

In Iran, a man set the world record for longest time without bathing—60 years—although he lives as an outcast.  If he’d like to reenter society, might I recommend Coachella.

In Iran, a man set the world record for longest time without bathing—60 years—barely edging out the entire band of Phish.

The tomb of an ancient Egyptian beer maker has been discovered.  You could guess he was a beer maker because when things got cold, the Pyramids turned Blue! (photoshop of pyramids replacing mountains on a coors light can)

The tomb of an ancient Egyptian beer maker has been discovered.  And you’ll never believe the hieroglyphics.  (on wall, crude drawing of Egyptian yelling WAZZZZZUUUUUP)

  Dennis Rodman has reportedly checked in to rehab for dealing with extreme stress.  He said he’s really worried he won’t know what to get for Kim Jong Un for his 24th birthday this year. Not his 24th birthday. The 24th birthday Kim Jong Un has celebrated in 2014.

  The surgeon-general is launching a campaign to make smoking look less cool.  First things first: making Joe Camel wear an Affliction T-shirt, a chain wallet, and post-eye surgery sunglasses.

  A woman dropped $500,000 recently in an online ChristianMingle scam, falling for a Nigerian man's fake profile.  "How could I not fall for a prince?" said the woman.

A woman dropped $500,000 recently in an online ChristianMingle scam.  The scam was dating sites.

A British politician was suspended for comments he made against the gay community, that gays would bring “biblical disasters” to the United Kingdom. Because everyone knows that premium cupcake bakeries is the 11th Plague. (photoshop of Egpytians munchin' on cupcakes)

A British politician was suspended for comments he made against the gay community, that gays would bring “biblical disasters” to the United Kingdom.  Well, it certainly wouldn’t be boils because they have pristine skin.

  A new Chinese cloning company is producing over 500 cloned pigs a year.  So now in China saying “They all look the same” is not racist as long as you’re referring to the pigs.

A new Chinese cloning company is producing over 500 cloned pigs a year.  Which is questionably ethical until you realize: bacon.

  A new list has been published that outlines the books people lie most often about reading and it includes all of them. Except maybe like a sports autobiography and one of the Treehouse books.

A new list has been published that outlines the books people lie most often about reading.  It’s titled “Your College Curriculum.”

  A PHD mathematician found his wife after inventing a complex computer algorithm on OkCupid.  Which I’m sure he’s thrilled about because 101011 is the loneliest number.

A PHD mathematician found his wife after inventing a complex computer algorithm on OkCupid.  So if you want to find the one you love, all you have to do is custom-program a data-driven procedure of analysis based on near infinite IF-THEN-ELSE automation.

A PHD mathematician found his wife after inventing a complex computer algorithm on OkCupid.  Unfortunately, it turned out to be a fake account, which he also created.

In Sochi, one men’s bathroom stall contains two toilets.  One is for pooping, and the other is a design flaw.

In Sochi, one men’s bathroom stall contains two toilets.  “Finally!” said the double-assed man.

  Actor Jonah Hill reportedly made Wolf of Wall Street for peanuts because it was a dream to work with Martin Scorsese and Peanuts is actually a luxury brand of Bosnian Quaaludes.

  A woman with schizophrenia has invented new artisanal toast, and it’s hyper-successful on the West Coast. Some would even call it a craze.

A woman with schizophrenia has invented new artisanal toast, and it’s hyper-successful on the West Coast. You know those commercials where the food can talk, and it’s adorable? That’s her life, and it’s terrifying.

A woman with schizophrenia has invented new artisanal toast, and it’s hyper-successful on the West Coast.  The woman says she got the idea from her business partner, Zaiden. (photoshop of toast wearing formal clothes).

Thanks for reading to the end?

Bret and Jordan

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Monologue Jokes: December 13-19

Hello Internet world!

Per usual, we wrote some jokes about the latest week of news. Not per usual, there aren't any about the Kardashians. Weird.

Bret and Jordan

A new study shows that making your kids listening to music when they fall asleep will not make them smarter.  This was done on the parents who made their kids listen to Ke$ha and the Chicken Dance.

  An Italian cyclist reportedly said that Lance Armstrong paid him money to throw a race.  Armstrong denied it adamantly for 14 years then came clean. 

  A Chinese paper is defending China’s rampant smog, saying it is good for national security. But, boy is it horrible for Google maps. (photoshopped image of map with giant gray spots).

A Chinese paper is defending China’s rampant smog, saying it is good for national security.  I don’t know if it’s good defensive strategy to kill yourself with poison gas.

  A 35-year study finds that exercise is the biggest factor when it comes to reducing the risk of dementia.  Good thing we spent 35 years to learn: Exercise is good.

  NFL player Andre Johnson purchased $17,000 worth of toys for underprivileged children in the Houston area.  Unfortunately, nobody cares, since no fantasy league takes into account charitable contributions.

  According to a new study, the more photos you take of an experience, the less you will remember.   So if you've ever done this you're blackout right now.

  In Colorado, hundreds of people have become sickened from synthetic pot.  To treat them, doctors are prescribing real pot.

In Colorado, hundreds of people have become sickened from synthetic pot.  At the hospital, the first diagnostic question doctors are asking them: “Why are you smoking fake pot in Colorado???”

In Colorado, hundreds of people have become sickened from synthetic pot.  If you’re smoking fake pot in a state pot is legal, you’re doing it wrong.  That’s like eating a veggie burger on a cattle ranch. 

  It’s being reported that 21% of working-age adults are rich for at least one year.  When asked, “What happened?” They responded: Kids.

  In Michigan, a grocery store greeter was fired after extinguishing a fire, because he left his post which disobeyed protocol.  Said protocol, “I'm stupid.”

In Michigan, a grocery store greeter was fired after extinguishing a fire, because he left his post which disobeyed protocol.  Said the man, “Really wish you would have fired me before I prevented this place from being burnt to the ground.”

  Facebook is planning on releasing a new ‘Sympathize’ button so you can stop sad statuses.  Said the hand in charge of the sympathize logo, “Um, how do I do sympathy?”

Facebook is planning on releasing a new ‘Sympathize’ button so you can stop sad statuses.  Which will be fun to sympathize with your friends when their public jokes totally flop.

  President Obama is sending three openly gay athletes are part of the US Olympic delegation in Russia, where homosexuality is illegal.  To piss off Vladimir Putin even more, Obama is making every athlete’s uniform include rainbow ascots.

  Dennis Rodman is flying back to North Korea to “have some fun.”  When asked if he was considering a cruise, he said, “I hear there are great lines on the coast of Somalia.”

Dennis Rodman is flying back to North Korea to “have some fun.”  Which it must be fun talking to the real-life equivalent of King Joffrey.

Dennis Rodman is flying back to North Korea to “have some fun.”  Also on his trip itinerary: a stop-over in Sudan followed by a week in a Chernobyl, and then to complete his trip, he’s going to build a time machine and check out Europe’s Bubonic Plague.

    Cats were friends of farmers 5k years ago. And then we domesticated dogs and realized, “Holy shit this is way better.”

  McDonald’s new “Mighty Wings” was a complete flop with the chain having over ten million pounds of unsold chicken leftover.   “We’ll eat ‘em,” said every McDonald’s worker on a lunch break.

McDonald’s new “Mighty Wings” was a complete flop with the chain having over ten million pounds of unsold chicken leftover.  The good news: They’ll be thrown in the trash compactor and repackaged as McRibs.

McDonald’s new “Mighty Wings” was a complete flop with the chain having over ten million pounds of unsold chicken leftover. 

  Verizon Wireless has revealed plans to release reports on the NSA’s data requests.  So congratulations to Edward Snowden’s new roommate

Verizon Wireless has revealed plans to release reports on the NSA’s data requests.  I don’t know if it’s smart to emulate Wikileaks’ business model.

Verizon Wireless has revealed plans to release reports on the NSA’s data requests, while Boost Mobile reportedly will leak information on DOHS’ Predator drones in Pakistan.

Verizon Wireless has revealed plans to release reports on the NSA’s data requests.  Making, "No because you’re stuck in a top-secret political asylum in Russia" the answer to "Can You Hear Me Now?"

  In Los Angeles, a man was convicted today for counterfeiting wine, selling cheaper wine in more expensive bottles.  The man was a phony, but not as phony as the people who pretended they could tell the difference.

  Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is launching a news website named after himself “The Huckabee Post.”  Former Today’s Op-Ed, “Was a site dedicated to news about media a bit too ambitious and over-reaching?”

Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is launching a news website named after himself “The Huckabee Post.”   Today’s front page:

  Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told the press, that despite her ripe old age, she is not retiring.  But this is mainly because she is stuck in her chair.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told the press, that despite her ripe old age, she is not retiring.  In fact, she is considering signing with the Vikings. (a la Favre).

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told the press, that despite her ripe old age, she is not retiring.  Hmmm… A beloved aging elder statesmen with a renowned respected career who can’t admit that the natural order of age is taking its toll: where have we seen this before? (flash photos of 50 old athletes).   

  On an LA radio station yesterday, Justin Bieber said that he was retiring from music next week after his album drops.  He would do well at a nursing home, given his inability to take care of himself and his uncontrollable bladder.

  Chipotle is looking into starting pizza restaurants.  Said the CEO, “Why limit the world’s tastiest diarrhea to one cuisine?”

Tex-Mex chain Chipotle is looking into starting pizza restaurants.  Said public restrooms everywhere, “Noooooooooooooo.”

Tex-Mex chain Chipotle is looking into starting pizza restaurants.  Which will give patrons something to smile about for two hours until their stomach lining disintegrates and their intestine implodes.

  Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson was fired from the show for allegedly using anti-gay language, and Glenn Beck defended him by comparing him to Pope Francis.  Make sense when you consider that his beard is just an upside-down miter. (miter=pope hat)

Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson was fired from the show for allegedly using anti-gay language, and Glenn Beck defended him by comparing him to Pope Francis.  The comparison makes sense when you take into account the pope’s mallard–themed chasuble. (photoshop of duck pattern on a pope robe)

  A new study about sharks shows that they love sneaking up on humans from behind to avoid detection.  They also love tapping people’s shoulders and saying your name then pretending they didn’t say your name.

  A billboard in India dedicated to Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr., and Nelson Mandela accidentally used Morgan Freeman’s face instead of the South African prime minister.  Fortunately, they saved it by replacing Martin Luther King’s face also with Morgan Freeman.

  In a raffle, a man won a one million dollar Picasso painting for 140 dollars.  The man paid for it in two twenties and a hundred.  (photoshop of the dollar bills with a Cubist painting style. Ben Franklin’s  nose is misplaced, enlarged, etc).

Thanks for reading!

Bret and Jordan

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Monologue Jokes: December 2-December 8

Hello Internet!

We apologize for the delayed post! We took an 8-month long residency at a Tunisian comedy club called Quackers, which was weird since the logo was a stork. Can storks quack?

Anywho, bellow are some jokes about the last week of news. Enjoy!

A new report shows that over 70 percent of early silent films have been lost due to decay.  Said one of the actors (pantomime angrily, then break down sobbing while jingle-jangle piano music plays).

A new report shows that over 70 percent of early silent films have been lost due to decay.  Luckily, they are being replaced by muted versions of Freaky Friday and Corky Romano.

  President Obama was asked about his retirement plans, to which he responded, “Host a Sportscenter.”  And based on his performance, his current presidential plan is watching Sportscenter.

Barbara Walters has made her list of the Most Fascinating People of 2013 and it includes Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, and Miley Cyrus.  Annoying, Barbara Walters. The word you’re thinking of is Annoying.

Barbara Walters has made her list of the Most Fascinating People of 2013, and it includes the Royal Baby.  Said the Royal Baby: nothing, because it’s a baby and can’t formulate thoughts or sentences much less interesting ones.

It’s being reported that the NSA is targeting World of Warcraft for terrorist surveillance.  "We are tired of being racially profiled," said the Forest Shaman Coalition.

  Jesse Owens’ 1936 Olympic Medal up for auction, that one that supposedly enraged Hitler beyond belief.  Bidding starts at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoMgnJDXd3k thousand dollars.

  An interview with a Victoria’s Secret executive reveals that the bra company targets awkward guys.  Since the cats out of the bag, the company is now being called Victoria’s Common Knowledge.

An interview with a Victoria’s Secret executive reveals that the bra company targets awkward guys.  To which awkward guys responded, “Oh that’s… I also target you as well in much additionally... I’m going to go to… restroom.”

An interview with a Victoria’s Secret executive reveals that the bra company targets awkward guys.  “To buy the products,” he clarified. “Not wear them.” (photoshop of awkward mouth-breather wearing a bra seductively.)

  A new study shows that the number of college ‘A’ grades has risen in the past 50 years by almost by almost 200%.  One grade college students aren’t getting an ‘A’ on: Their credit score.  Straight F’s right there.

  Sources are saying that Kanye West wants his wedding with Kim Kardashian to be “the biggest thing ever.”  Which just means that the only place big enough to host this wedding is Kanye’s own ego.

  Canada is reportedly gearing up to make a territorial claim of the North Pole, which will change Santa’s catch phrase to “Eh, eh, eh!”

Canada is reportedly gearing up to make a territorial claim of the North Pole.  Although Canadian Santa Claus: probably going to put everyone on the nice list.

Canada is reportedly gearing up to make a territorial claim of the North Pole.  Says Manifest Destiny, “Not on my watch.”

Canada is reportedly gearing up to make a territorial claim of the North Pole.  If the North Pole is run by the nicest country on Earth, then it’s only fitting that the South Pole be run by North Korea.

Canada is reportedly gearing up to make a territorial claim of the North Pole.  Well, (photo of Rob Ford) this will at least create one new job.  (Superimpose: Santa hat and beard on the mayor).

  Martin Bashir quit working for MSNBC, after making fun of Sarah Palin’s intelligence a little too harshly.  If that’s the standard, then all of these people are fired (photos of ten late-night comics), and so is anyone who’s ever joked at your office’s water color.

Martin Bashir was forced to quit working for MSNBC, after making fun of Sarah Palin’s intelligence a little too harshly .  If making a joke about Sarah Palin gets you to lose your job, then consider this (office water cooler) the office guillotine.

  Yesterday, Rob Ford was detained by police for drug suspicions and cursing out the officers, just the latest in a downward spiral that includes public urination, public intoxication, and spitting on random pedestrians.  Oh I’m sorry: that’s actually Justin Bieber.

  In Georgia, a driver spent 15 hours in jail for taking 5 cents worth of electricity from a school’s outlet.  Said the perpetrator, “I’m so sorry.” (Photo of 8 year-old-behind bars holding an RC car).

  The NBA had to cancel its first game in Mexico in 16 years, after a generator malfunction filled the arena with way too smoke.  Although, you have to admit: Rip Hamilton’s new mask looked pretty awesome.  (photo of Rip wearing a gas mask).

The NBA had to cancel its first game in Mexico in 16 years, after the arena was filled with way too smoke.  Authorities are blaming a generator malfunction and that night’s promotion “Kids Smoke Free.”

The NBA had to cancel its first game in Mexico in 16 years, after the arena was filled with way too smoke.  In hindsight, Carcinogen night was probably a poor sports promotion. 

The NBA had to cancel its first game in Mexico in 16 years, after the arena was filled with way too smoke.   Although most of the smoke was coming from Ron Artest’s locker. (photo of Artest looking high).

  A handwritten draft of Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run lyrics sold for $197,000 at an auction yesterday.  Unfortunately for the buyer, it was the very first draft (photo of napkin with “Song about love” written on it).

A handwritten draft of Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run lyrics sold for $197,000 at an auction yesterday.  Either that, or it could have just been a used napkin at a New Jersey turnpike diner.  (photo of stained napkin with “Tramps Like Us Diner” at top).

A handwritten draft of Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run lyrics sold for $197,000 at an auction yesterday.  The state of New Jersey bought it, and then they made it their state flower.

  The World Cup draw came out this week, and many are calling the United States’ group the “group of death,” playing heavy underdogs with little or no chance to win.  Their opponents are Portugal, Ivan Drago, and for some reason, the Iceland hockey team. (flash photo of Mighty Ducks’ opponents).

  Researchers have discovered a way to block male mice from having children.   Said Mickey, “Oh Boy!”

Researchers have discovered a way to block male mice from having children.  The good news is that this might lay the foundation for male birth control for humans; the bad news: one of our generations’ greatest minds will not have any kids. (flash photo of Brain from Pinky and the Brain).

  Merriam-Webster released their word of the year and the word “science” was chosen.  And just to keep the rivalry fresh, Webster’s is picking “religion” for their word of the year.

Merriam-Webster released their word of the year and the word “science” was chosen.  What surprised me most was learning that Merriam-Webster is being run by Jesse Pinkman. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQR1r1KTjaE)

Thanks,

Bret & Jordan

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: May 25th to May 31st

Hello,

You are currently reading this text. Soon, you will be reading monologue jokes about the last week of news.

Thanks,

B & J

A new study shows that the wealthiest 20 percent of Americans get almost 60% of all the tax breaks.  When reached for comment, the wealthiest 20 percent said “Shhh…”

  13-year-old Arvind Mahankali won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night.  His winning word was his own name.

  An new op/ed from the Washington post says that “We aren’t taking kids sports seriously enough.”  This was written by the guy who takes his kids sports way too seriously.

  Motorola announced today that they plan to be the first company to manufacture a smartphone in the U.S.  They want it to reflect the American citizenry: it’s bigger, it’s slower, and it will only have one language setting.

  According to MIT research, Kim Kardashian is retweeted twice as often as President Obama.  This is definitely a sad statistic to hear, but at least MIT is putting their brains to good use.

According to MIT research, Kim Kardashian is retweeted twice as often as President Obama.  In response, President Obama tweeted “OMG lovin’ these leggings!”

  A new study reports that soda is as bad for your teeth as crystal meth.  So, kids, what can we conclude?  The best time to do crystal meth is when you still got your baby teeth in.

A new study reports that soda is as bad for your teeth as crystal meth.  The study also concluded that neither were as bad for your teeth as being British.

A new study reports that soda is as bad for your teeth as crystal meth—although the scientists said it was significantly less fun.

A new study reports that soda is as bad for your teeth as crystal meth.  So if you know you’re going to have cavities, you might as well go all out.

  The International Olympic Committee announced that wrestling is one of the three finalists to make the ballot to become an Olympic sport again.  So if you’re a fan of watching scantily-clad sweaty men collide bodies and wrap their arms around each other, you can stop watching gay porn.

The International Olympic Committee announced that wrestling is one of the three finalists to make the ballot to become an Olympic sport again.  Which made wrestlers excited. And because of their uniforms, we could tell.

  The HBO crew that filmed Dennis Rodman’s visit to North Korea revealed that Michael Jordan was their first choice.  Perhaps most shocking was that Dennis Rodman was their second choice.

  A disgruntled employee in Disneyland was arrested yesterday for exploding a dry ice bomb in the park.  Cops aren’t exactly sure of the criminal, but if it’s a disgruntled Disney employee, might I add Grumpy to the list of suspects.

A disgruntled employee in Disneyland was arrested yesterday for exploding a dry ice bomb in the park.  Fortunately, nobody was hurt.  Unfortunately, neither was It’s A Small World.

  The NYPD intercepted a package of Ricin that was sent to Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  The cops knew it was illegal, because of the container it came in.

  Pakistan’s government made a law that workers are no longer allowed to wear socks.  A good move, since most Pakistani workers wear sandals.

  A British clothing store is recalling a line of its belts because of their radioactivity.  So if you don’t want to have superpowers, return that belt.

  At a Burger King in California, an on-the-clock worker hid a robbers’ getaway car from the cops in the fast food restaurant’s parking lot, only to be found out.  This move is against the law but it is consistent with the philosophy of Have It Your Way.

  Congress has asked theWashington Redskins to change their name due to its offensiveness to Native Americans, which the NFL team is resisting.  A compromise was met on the Washington Potato Skins.

  It’s being reported that New Jersey sent over $24 Million in benefits to prisoners.  Many are calling it a misuse of funds, but, come on, the prisoners look fabulous in their new jumpsuits…

http://bit.ly/17AJFrS

 And the cane can be used to pick up trash on the highways.

A new cologne is out that supposedly makes you smell like a Boston firefighter.  It’s called “You’re Still Not a Hero.”

A new cologne is out that supposedly makes you smell like a Boston firefighter.  Which makes sense because the first thing metrosexuals want to smell like is rubber, ash, and meatball subs.

  The Chicago Sun Times has laid off its entire photography department.  Apparently they weren’t over-using the Earlybird filter. 

The Chicago Sun Times has laid off its entire photography department.  It’s saving them money, but unfortunately they only have access to Instagram photos.

(headline with Benghazi and photo of someone’s feet at the beach. Just imagine that becaues I don't feel like making it).

  In Harlem, a woman is suing Rihanna after claiming that the pop star’s lipstick gave her herpes.  This makes sense, since the lipstick is called Chris Brown.

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: May 13th to May 19th

Hey everyone here's some monologue jokes about the last week of news.

Topics include but are not

Retirement Home Prostitution, People Just Crap In Public Pools, Newsweek Blows, 24's back, the Doritos Locos Taco, and a Miami mayor claims that Jesus endorses her campaign.

Thanks, Bret and Jordan

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring at a retirement home.  Which was the only place where strippers wore Life Alerts that said, “Help! I’ve dropped it to the flo’ and I can’t get up.”

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring at a retirement home.  The forensics team collected all the evidence and sent it to a lab so that it could be burnt down and never seen again.

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring at a retirement home.  This prompted every police officer saying in unison, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring run at a retirement home.  It was the only retirement home where attendants helped elders change their diapers and put on condoms.

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring run at a retirement home.  Perhaps most disgusting was finding out that the elders were wearing their adult diapers as splooge catchers.

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring run at a retirement home.  Let's just say people were yelling "Bingo" even when it wasn't game night.

The president of the UN said that one way to address world hunger is for people stop complaining and eat insects.  He announced this while hosting an episode of Fear Factor.

The president of the UN John William Ashe said that to solve world hunger everyone should eat insects.  When the world refused, Ashe double dog dared it.

  Disney is facing controversy, after their makeover to Brave’s Merida gave her a smaller waist and bigger boobs.   Which is the most dramatic alteration to a Disney princess since Mulan’s penis was removed.

Disney is facing controversy, after their makeover to Brave’s Merida gave her a smaller waist, bigger boobs, took away her freckles and overbite, and tanned her skin.  I, for one, think their new portrayal is completely unfaithful to the original.

 I mean she doesn't even have her bow and arrows. C'mon Disney!

  Yesterday, a one million dollar jewelry heist happened at the Cannes Film Festival.  It was the plot to the least exciting Ocean’s movie yet.  

  Bill Gates is once again the richest man in the world, and it’s been six years since he last held that distinction.  Gates credits this with good luck, strong investments, and an endless stream of kickstarter campaigns.

  A new study shows that the majority of Americans dislike hipsters.  No, America! What are you doing?! Don't you see: If we dislike them, they win, that’s what they want!

A new study by the Dept. of Disease Control reveals that 60% of public swimming pools contain fecal contamination.  This means that 40% of public pools are currently closed to the public.

A new study by the Dept. of Disease Control reveals that 60% of public swimming pools contain fecal contamination.  Knowing this should make you feel a lot less guilty about going number one.

A new study by the Dept. of Disease Control reveals that 60% of public swimming pools contain fecal contamination.  And 100% of public pools will contain me not in them.

  Today in New York, a painting of a topless Bea Arthur sold for 1.9 million dollars.  Clearly, the purchaser of this painting has no idea about the going market price of porn.

Today in New York, a painting of a topless Bea Arthur sold for 1.9 million dollars.  This beats the sales of the clothed Bea Arthur paintng by 1.9 million dollars.

  Fox is reportedly renewing 24 for an additional season. The announcement was made over an intense phone conversation with just enough time to trace the call.

Fox is reportedly renewing Kiefer Sutherland’s 24 for an additional season.  In a related story, the Department of Homeland Security lowered the terrorism threat level to green, but the likelihood of innocent doors being kicked down is now at blood red.

The country of Venezuela is facing a toilet paper shortage.  In other words, Venezuela is seemingly like every outhouse I choose to poop in. I have horrible luck when it comes to crapping in public places.

The country of Venezuela is facing a shortage of toilet paper.  In other words, Venezuela is like every outhouse I choose to poop in.  Which just shows the Venezuela is still facing the after effects of Hugo Chavez's irritable bowel syndrome.

  Yesterday in Florida, cops arrested a bank burglar by following a trail of coins to his house.  That’s probably because they chose an awful getaway plan.

  An inmate at a federal prison is suing Taco Bell because he claims the Doritos Locos Taco was his idea.  This is bound to be a class-action lawsuit for potheads everywhere.  

An inmate at a federal prison is suing Taco Bell because he claims the Doritos Locos Taco was his idea.  If you are wondering what he’s in for, remember: He’s suing Taco Bell for intellectual property infringement.  Somewhere along the way, we can assume weed is somehow involved.

An inmate at a federal prison is suing Taco Bell because he claims the Doritos Locos Taco was his idea.  Taco Bell released a statement today on one of their hot sauce packets with choice words for the accuser.

    A chance to have coffee with Apple CEO Tim Cook is going for over six hundred thousand dollars at an online auction.  The Apple executive reportedly likes his coffee like he likes his turtlenecks: “Black, and made by the hands of poor people.”

  At Arizona State, a passed-out member of a frat was dropped off at the ER with a post-it note on him asking for help.  His friends were reportedly worried about him being t-bagged to death.

At Arizona State, a passed-out member of a frat was dropped off at the ER with a post-it note on him asking for help.  The post-it note went well with the penis drawn on his face.  Naturally.

At Arizona State, a passed-out member of a frat was dropped off at the ER with a post-it note on him asking for help.  The note specifically said, “He drank the punch.”

  A candidate for mayor in North Miami has claimed that Jesus came to her and endorsed her campaign.  Jesus denied the endorsement, saying, “I’m probably just going to go with the name I recognize.”

A candidate for mayor in North Miami has claimed that Jesus endorses her campaign.  Even fishier is that her campaign slogan claims to be on Oprah’s book of the month club.

A candidate for mayor in North Miami has claimed that Jesus endorses her campaign.  Which explains why her campaign button is this:

Last week, a candidate for mayor in North Miami has claimed that Jesus endorses her campaign.  Although in Miami, it’s probably just a Jesús who does roofing.

  In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied him dragon’s blood and carrot cake for his religious rituals.  Which really just sounds like improved Eucharist.

In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied him dragon’s blood and carrot cake for his religious rituals.  Gonna be honest: After dragon’s blood, I wasn’t expecting him to request carrot cake.  That’s sort of like: In order to summon the spirits of Hothgar, I need orc semen and raisin bagels.

In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied him dragon’s blood and carrot cake for his religious rituals.  The man is reportedly a practicing bad-ass with a non-denominational sweet tooth.

In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied him dragon’s blood and carrot cake for his religious rituals.  The jail responded (unsurely): Will a phone call suffice??? In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied his request of dragon’s blood and carrot cake.  What the hell, prison: He's probably just a Game of Thrones fan with a sweet tooth, give him what he wants.

An airplane was forced to make an emergency stop because a passenger’s singing was so awful.  Apparently the pilot was just Simon Cowell.  “Your singing was so bad, it made me want to take a layover in New Jersey."

An airplane was forced to make an emergency stop in Kansas City because a passenger’s singing was so awful.  In unrelated news, Ke$ha has added Kansas City to her tour. Burn. Burn. Burn.

  It’s being reported that McDonald’s will have a new rival to the McRib, and it isn’t health statistics. 

  Newsweek unveiled a new redesign that reportedly is more catered to the modern reader.  Anyone else feel like Newsweek is one redesign away from becoming less informative than the back of a cereal box?

  A new study reports that there’s no need to dramatically cut salt out of your diet.  This study was conducted by the Midwest.

It’s being reported that Columbia University still has a “whites-only” scholarship.  It doesn’t technically say that; it says the student must be from Vermont and like the show Will and Grace.

It’s being reported that Columbia University still has a “whites-only” scholarship.  It’s given to that one asshole who thinks he’s making a good point when he says, “How come there isn’t a white history month?”  Why isn’t there a white history month? Because you’re an asshole that’s why.

  For a 15th birthday gift, Jaden Smith asked his dad Will “to be emancipated.”  So this October you will be able to see a movie with the tagline “Jaden Smith is… Emancipated.”

  It’s being reported that the rest of the Kardashian family doesn’t like Kim’s boyfriend Kanye West, saying he isn’t a gentlemen.  Kris Jenner said, “He doesn’t do boyfriend things—like hold doors for her or videotape them during sex.”

  In Oregon, a man was arrested for ejaculating onto the heads of bus passengers.  AND YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO RIDE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

In Oregon, a man was arrested for ejaculating onto the heads of bus passengers.  What might be most shocking about this story is how he reached that high…I mean we’re talking some serious distance… Is his vas deferens a slingshot? I don’t know.

In Oregon, a man was arrested for ejaculating onto the heads of bus passengers.  Eyewitnesses on the scene are now temporarily half-blind.

  LinkedIn has now banned escorts and prostitutes from using their website; instead, they will offer them use of their companion service LickedIn.

LinkedIn has now banned escorts and prostitutes from using their website.  This is much to the dismay of prostitutes, who had great recommendation letters from Craig’s List.

Hey thanks for reading to the end y'all!

Bret and Jordan

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: February 3 - February 10

Alright so some stuff happened in the news. A lot of it was fun to write about. Other stuff was a huge bummer. We tended to avoid bummer topics such as genocide in poor countries. Actually, genocide anywhere we avoided.

Anyways, below is our jokes. We hope you ROFL, and by ROFL we mean chuckle.

Thanks for being cool and reading this,

Bret & Jordan

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is actually more popular than Barack Obama.  The poll’s sample size was Hillary Clinton.

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is actually more popular than Barack Obama.  This is among white middle-aged women who are also Secretaries of State.

  Porn star Ron Jeremy is recovering in the hospital after he had a heart aneurism.  Doctors are saying he will pull through thanks to a generous blood donation from his penis.

  It’s being reported that the brand Twinkies is close to being purchased for as much as $400 million.  The last thing to make that much money that was cream-filled and completely devoid of any substance was Paris Hilton.

  A black family is suing Disneyland after the costumed White Rabbit was racist to them.  Disney is denying the allegations, although the fact that the Alice in Wonderland character runs a Tea Party isn’t helping.

A black family is suing Disneyland after the costumed White Rabbit was racist to them.  Disney defended themselves by saying, “Wasn’t Princess and the Frog enough?”

A black family is suing Disneyland after the costumed White Rabbit was racist to them, saying the character “kept ignoring us” and “wouldn’t hold hands with us.”  If that’s the case, then I will be suing Jasmine for racism as well, because she wouldn’t hold my hand either. Or accept my dinner invitation.  Or return my catcalls.

  At the Grammys, CBS is banning performers from baring any breasts, buttocks, or genitalia at the awards show.  Which is going to be great for everything except ratings.

At the Grammys, CBS is banning performers from baring any breasts, buttocks, or genitalia at the awards show.  Performers are okay with the bans, so long as CBS doesn’t prohibit their best asset: Autotune.

At the Grammys, CBS is banning performers from baring any breasts, buttocks, or genitalia at the awards show.  This is a rule I am in favor of, so long as it is only only enforced on Elton John.

At the Grammys, CBS is banning performers from baring “any fleshy area under curves of the buttocks and buttocks crack” as well as “around the female breast nipples.”  It’s comforting to know that CBS’s legal department is being run by my grade school’s prune-faced nuns.

At the Grammys, CBS is banning performers from baring any breasts, buttocks, or genitalia at the awards show.  In other words, CBS is banning modern-day musical talent.

At the Grammys, CBS is banning performers from baring any breasts, buttocks, or genitalia at the awards show.  Most are okay with the rule, but Nikki Minaj’s ass has already started curb-stopping executives in an act of hissyfit rebellion. 

  This week, scientists at Science News studied suffocation and learned that everyone is afraid of it.  Afraid, or at least turned on. 

  In Washington, a family received a $4 discount at a pizza restaurant because of “well behaved children.”  Let this be a lesson to young people: the best way to save money is to have kids.

In Washington, a family went to a pizza restaurant and received a $4 discount on their receipt because of “well behaved children.”  Which is nice, but I doubt the “Children eat for a 4 dollar discount if they are well-behaved” marketing campaign is very sustainable.

In Washington, a family received a $4 discount at a pizza restaurant because of “well behaved children.”  So now parents are faced with a choice: teach your kids manners, or just take them somewhere where Kids Eat Free.

In Washington, a family went to a pizza restaurant and received a $4 discount on their receipt because of “well behaved children.”  This just goes to show: the best coupon is tranquilizer and Weekend at Bernie’s elbow grease. (photoshop of three passed out kids in sunglasses.).

  Officials have finally figured out the cause of the Super Bowl blackout, and it wasn’t Four Loko.

Officials have finally figured out the cause of the Super Bowl blackout. However, still no idea what happened during it.

  Media publication Celebuzz released their top 10 list of the highest paid women on TV, and Oprah was all of them.

Media publication Celebuzz released their list of the highest paid women on TV and coming in at number two was Kim Kardashian, just barely edging out Judge Judy, Tina Fey, and poor man’s Catherine Zeta Jones.

  In Tennessee, the number “666” appeared on a man’s official W-2 tax form so he quit his job.  Meanwhile, the number “420” appeared on another man’s W-2 tax form, so he asked for more vacation days and a Weekly Ganja Allowance.

  Ivy League schools such as Yale and Penn are suing former students because of unpaid loans.  University administrators are calling it the most aggressive school donation request yet.

Ivy League schools such as Yale and Penn are suing former students because of unpaid loans.  Which, a class-action lawsuit is sort of a weird way to kick off their “Give Back” alumni donation campaign.

  British frozen food company Findus is in hot water after tests show that their lasagna contains 60 to 100% horse meat.  Findus, as in Findus some meat that isn't Secretariat and ohmygodican’tbelieveijustwentforthatpun.

British frozen food company Findus is in hot water after tests show that their lasagna contains 60 to 100% horse meat.  Officials weren’t that surprised since Findus’ most popular items are Sausage Egg Seebiscuits and Hoof Pockets.

  Lincoln screenwriterTony Kushner admitted he fudged facts for his film, saying “Sorry I changed history”—while Quentin Tarantino admitted he fudged facts for his film Django, saying “Fuck you I changed history.”

  A new bill in Idaho has been proposed that would force kids to read Atlas Shrugged before graduating.  Other state-mandated kid’s books with a heavy Wall Street slant include: The Job Creating Tree, The Little Engine That Could Commit Fraud, and Oh the Places You’ll Go If Spit on Poor People,

  Running out of money, Lindsay Lohan has been forced to move back in to her childhood bedroom.  Which is especially sad, because it contains reminders of when she was actually talented, hot, and meth-free.

Running out of money, Lindsay Lohan has been forced to move back in to her childhood bedroom.  Publicly, LiLo has stated her personal disappointment, but privately we all know it’s just a ruse to get her separated parents back together.

  A Nielsen survey revealed the 10 most unpopular athletes in America, and coming in at number one was me on my high school varsity soccer team.

A Nielsen survey revealed the 10 most unpopular athletes in America, and Surprise! It’s every cross country team in America!

Thanks for reading.

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: January 25 - February 2

Howdy y'all,

We forgot to upload the jokes we wrote for two weeks ago. So here they are in all of their shining glory.

Thanks guys.

Bret & Jordan

Sources say that the Zimbabwe government’s bank account has only $280 in it.  While it’s neighboring Nigeria's bank account has billions and a very exciting investment opportunity.

  Today, rapper Chris Brown compared himself to Jesus. Tomorrow, Kanye West will sue him for identity theft.

  It’s being reported that former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino had love child.  It’s unfortunate because love childs are really an antiquated football sex scandal.

It’s being reported that former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino had love child.  Marino said all this could have been prevented if he had been smarter and purchased a cell phone.

  In an interview with Katie Couric, Manti Te’o said he genuinely fell in love with Lennay Kukua, although his pet name for her is Attention. 

In an interview on CBS, Manti Te’o’s internet hoaxer says he was in love with Te’o. Which is pretty unbelievable… almost as unbelievable as a Mormon from Hawaii playing linebacker for a bunch of Catholics, and actually being good at it.

  Today, the Groundhog came out of his hole, saw his shadow, and predicted an early spring.  Then he went back in his hole and presumably licked his groundhog balls because groundhogs know nothing about the weather.

Today, the Groundhog came out of his hole and saw his shadow, foreseeing only another few weeks of winter.  He then went back into his hole, and foresaw another few millenniums of continuing this fucking stupid tradition.

Today is Groundhog day, the perfect day to watch everyone’s favorite Bill Murray movie: Garfield.

  Earlier this week, Chinese hackers hacked NY Times website. However, they were reportedly unable to read it, because they actually understood good English.

  According to fitness experts, there’s a new female workout trend catching on that utilizes high heels.  The workout consists of complaining to your boyfriend for an entire night, even though he said flats look great on you.

According to fitness experts, there’s a new female workout trend catching on that utilizes high heels.  You warm-up by struggling to put the shoes on for 10 minutes, then you limp around for an entire night, and you cool down by icing your blisters the next day, while your boyfriend buys you Skecher’s ShapeUps.

According to fitness experts, there’s a new female workout trend catching on that utilizes high heels.  The fitness expert being Kathy. (photo of comic strip Kathy).

  A new study reports that insurance companies like rich people better. And common sense tells us that pretty much all companies like rich people better.

  This week, TV personality Barbara Walters got the chickenpox for the first time.  Making her the oldest person ever—.

  Earlier today, Sarah Palin quit the Fox News Network so that she could “broaden her appeal.”  The best way to do that? Stop talking.

Thanks guys for reading to the end.

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: January 14 - January 20

Hey gang,

The jokes from the past week are posted below. You'll notice there are no Lance Armstrong jokes. Why? Because he's still the fuckin' man, that's why. 

Anyways, here they are. Enjoy.

Bret and Jordan

According to recent studies, Subway’s footlong sandwiches are not actually a foot long.  In response to Subway lying about their size, men everywhere said, “We understand.” 

According to recent studies, Subway’s footlong sandwiches are not actually a foot long.  I just want you to know: this is what we study in America. Sandwich length. 

Many Subway customers are protesting the sandwich shop after it was reported that their foot long sandwiches were only about 11 inches long.  The only other group of people to complain that 11 inches wasn’t enough: pornstars.

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Teo’o is saying that he actually believed his girlfriend was real and that he was victim of a cruel hoax.  Many are calling him a liar; I don’t think so.  The dude believes in Mormonism; so it’s not that big of a stretch for him to believe that a girl with a flirtatious Twitter account was real.  If he thinks Jesus was American, he probably thinks an actual human was behind those cyber xoxo’s. 

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Teo’o is in hot water after reports revealed that his girlfriend who died of leukemia was actually fake.  I mean give the guy a break. What college student hasn’t faked a girlfriend to get more Heisman publicity?

The TSA is ditching the controversial body scanners that produce naked images of travelers, and TSA agents are ditching the TSA.

The CEO of Whole Foods is in the news for dissing Obama as a fascist.  Yeah, probably not a good idea to diss a liberal icon when you run an organic foods store.

The CEO of Whole Foods is in the news for dissing Obama as a fascist.  Unsurprisingly, this move has led to horrible sales for their groceries, but their guns and butter sales are through the roof!

The CEO of Whole Foods is in the news for dissing Obama as a fascist. What?  That’d be like the NRA calling Rush Limbaugh a racist piece of shit asshole.

The Congressional offices are in trouble after a new report reveals significant online movie pirating.  When confronted about the issue, Congress said, “What do you expect? We’re broke.”

The Congressional offices are in trouble after a new report reveals significant online movie pirating.  Congress is not in legal trouble, since stealing is the only expense that fits their budget.

New reports reveal that the Congressional offices have engaged in significant movie pirating, and the most downloaded movie was The Smurfs.  Downloading the Smurfs illegally isn’t a crime; that’s a public service.

Today, the Wall Street Journal released their forecast for the top 10 companies of 2013.  Blockbuster was not on the list.

Yesterday in Washington, a man died because from being suffocated by his girlfriend’s breasts.  On the police report under cause of death it says, “Happiness.”

Yesterday in Washington, a man died because from being suffocated by his girlfriend’s breasts.  He was reported to have been bummed out once he opened his eyes, and was in heaven.

Yesterday in Washington, a man died because from being suffocated by his girlfriend’s breasts.  This marks the first time ever God has been jealous of a human’s death.

Recently, a new dating site was launched specifically tailored for Ayn Rand enthusiasts.  The site is called bonerkillers.com.

A new dating site has been started specifically tailored for Ayn Rand enthusiasts.  The site doesn’t actually help you find a date; it just tells you to stop being lazy, find a date on your own, and then it says something sort of logical but in a racist way.

In an interview with Star magazine, Lindsay Lohan’s father discussed his daughter’s life and employment, saying she makes her money being an escort.  It’s so surprising that LiLo would be an escort; it’s not like she has daddy issues or anything.

Today, three bottles of rare Scotch formerly owned by 19th century explorer Ernest Shackleton were found in Antarctica and returned to New Zealand.  When scientists were asked what was uncovered, they said, “Expensive alcohol.”  When Nicholas Cage was asked what was uncovered, he said, “The plot to the next National Treasure movie.”

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

How did this get into my iTunes?  I aint mad, though.

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: December 30 - January 5

To Whom It Doesn't Concern:

Read the following post to help with your new year resolutions. It contains tips on losing weight/quitting drinking/re-connecting with your movie star father.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Gossip Girl

Wait actually: Bret & Jordan

Kanye West surprised everybody including girlfriend Kim Kardashian, when he announced at a concert that the two were having a baby.  This marks the first time Kanye has made a woman’s milestone all about himself.

Sources are saying that the new baby will make the couple 16 million dollars even before it’s born.  When told about this, Kim explained, “That’s, like, a third of a sex tape!”

Sources are saying that the new baby will make Kim 8 to ten million dollars even before it’s born, proving that her biggest moneymaker is, in fact, black man’s penises.

Kim Kardashian was asked about her pregnancy and said, “It’s, like, not fun.”  Ironically enough, that’s the same answer when asked about sex with Kanye.

Scientists are now saying that absolute zero on the Kelvin scale is not the coldest temperature.  This decision came after physicists’ exploration of the inside of Bill Belicheck’s heart.

The state of Washington has decided to open up pot vending machines.  Nobody is happier about the move than regular vending machines.

In Washington, legislators passed a bill that will put marijuana in vending machines.  Having weed in the same machine as Funyons and Skittles? Conservatives are calling it repulsive, while potheads are calling it one-stop shopping.

  Star Wars producer George Lucas is getting married for the second time.  Don’t get your hopes up: This new one from Lucas is sure to be a letdown compared to the original.

A Utah school almost cancelled an Elvis Presley play because a parent complained about an offensive line.  The school officials were able to convince the parent to withdraw her Elvis complaints after getting her a subscription to MTV—and showing her the Internet.   

A Utah high school almost cancelled an Elvis Presley play because a parent complained about an offensive line.  No word yet on whether the grade school’s production of Requeim for a Dream is still a go.

Specifically, the line was “Her lips are like a volcano that’s hot.”  Apparently the lyrics weren’t current enough; the lyrics have been amended to say, “Her lips are like a volcano that I want to put my penis into show me your peacock it’s britney bitch... Hos.”

Utah school cancelled an Elvis play because of an offensive line.  Not to worry, the school says, they have replaced All Shook Up with more palatable classics such as “Slob on My Know” by Three-Six Mafia.

Tomorrow, London’s first Atheism church is opening, or as the rest of the world calls it, Peet’s Coffee.

In Texas, a county church hired a former sex offender to become its new senior pastor.  In the priest community, this is referred to as climbing the corporate ladder.

In Texas, a county church hired a former sex offender to become its new senior pastor.  While protestors are calling his past criminal, the pastor is referring to it as an “entry-level position.”

A former castmember of the Discovery channel show “Pawn Stars” has been kicked off after pornographic photos of her emerged.  Look: if you don’t want an adult film actress to work on your show, perhaps don’t make a blatant pun on the word “Porn.”  If I put up a casting sheet, “Experts on Interracial Pawn Wanted,” I shouldn’t be surprised when a few floozies with daddy issues fall through the cracks.  Don’t get mad at this girl—maybe she just can’t spell ‘porn.’

A former castmember of the Discovery channel show “Pawn Stars” has been kicked off after pornographic photos of her emerged.  Fortunately for this girl, she now has a job on the “T n’ A-BC Family” network.

Insiders are saying Lance Armstrong will come out and officially admit to doping.  No word yet on whether cycling officials will officially admit to mis-handling this whole situation.

Insiders are saying Lance Armstrong will come out and officially admit to doping.  Outsiders are saying, “We still don’t care about cycling.”

                                                  A Michigan sheriff has banned inmates’ bringing undergarments into jail.  Prisoners have praised the move, calling it “one less layer in between me and backdoor bliss.” Yea. Prisoners are gross.

A new study reports that men are horrible at imagining their future selves.  In order to fix this problem, scientists have issued pamphlets telling men it’s done growing.

A new study reports that men are horrible at imagining their future selves.  Scientists were most shocked by the fact the none of them have had sex yet.

In New York, a man who flipped off the police has won a round in court—and, probably, a round at the nearest bar.

This week, the Senate launched an investigation of the movie Zero Dark Thirty to see if government officials leaked classified information; while earlier today, Joe Biden launched an investigation of Monsters Inc 3D to count the number of icky green monster farts.

In Minneapolis, an air pilot failed a sobriety test right before takeoff.  In his defense, the test was to say the alphabet backwards, which gets pretty goddamn difficult after “ZYX.”

In Minneapolis, an air pilot failed a breathalyzer right before takeoff, blowing a point eight.  In his defense, he was flying Delta.

In Minneapolis, an air pilot failed a sobriety test right before takeoff.  Officials said they could tell the man was drunk when he confused the overhead PA as a Burger Kind drive-thru intercom. 

Over the weekend, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner married 26-year-old Crystal Harris, the same woman who jilted his wedding vows a year ago.  Wedding goers cried as the couple enjoyed their first dance to the song “Golddigger.”

San Jose police officers’ took a man into custody who was naked while wielding a samurai sword in public.  When asked whether he had any regrets, the arrested man said, “Yes, swinging a sword while pantsless.”

In Sacramento, a teenager drugged her mother’s milkshake so the mom would pass out so she could go online.  When asked in the morning what it felt like to have something put in her drink, the mom groaned, “College.”

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: September 3 - 10

Dear People of Earth,

Read these monologue jokes and weep.  I mean laugh.  LAUGH AT THEM.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Jordan and Bret

Taco Bell launched its breakfast drink Mountain Dew AM, a combination of Dew and orange juice.  Now, with every breakfast order, the employees are required to ask, "Do you want diabetes with that hypertension?"

An elderly farmer accidentally grew a field of pot without any consequences.  Are Columbian drug lords paying attention to this?  Get an old guy with Alzheimer's to wander around your facility and when the DEA shows up have him say, "Coke?  I thought we were making baby powder. I've been using this to stop the chafing of my balls on my thighs for years!"

A study found that organic food provides no additional nutritional benefits over conventional food.  So go ahead and take a bite out of that orange with legs.

Kanye West revealed that he has been lacing his songs with secret references to Kim for years, which is amazing to find out because I figured all of those songs were just about himself.

The Mars Bar Candy Co refused to endorse a pub's effort for an official designation as the official birthplace of the Mars Bar on the ground that it can't endorse unhealthy fried foods.  Classic case of the pot calling the kettle fat. 

Kanye West revealed that he has been lacing his songs with secret references to Kim for years, and I know some girls think this is romantic but he is officially the world's richest and creepiest stalker.

The Mars Bar Candy Co refused to endorse a pub's effort for an official designation as the official birthplace of the Mars Bar on the ground that it can't endorse unhealthy fried foods.  Irony ensues.

The Mars Bar Candy Co refused to endorse a pub's effort for an official designation as the official birthplace of the Mars Bar on the ground that it can't endorse unhealthy fried foods, which is not the first time this has happened.  Apparently Newt Gingrich held out on the backing of Mitt Romney on the grounds that he was "too white."

Health officials are disgusted that Taco Bell launched its breakfast drink Mountain Dew AM.  The new drink is a mixture of of Dew, orange juice, and regret.  

Study finds organic food provides no additional nutritional benefits over conventional food.  So suck it hippies.

Taco Bell launched its breakfast drink Mountain Dew AM, a combination of Dew and orange juice.  Health officials haven't been more outraged by an addition to the Taco Bell menu since, well, the inception of the Taco Bell menu.

Soon consumers can wash down a breakfast burrito at Taco Bell with the new drink Mountain Dew AM, a combination of Dew and orange juice, that makes mimosas look responsible.

Study finds organic food provides no additional nutritional benefits over conventional food.  However, this study does fail to take into account other benefits of organic food like self-righteousness, smugness, and general d-baggery.

A study found that organic food provides no additional nutritional benefits over conventional food.  Other discoveries include global warming does not exist and Barack Obama is a Muslim.

It's hard to believe that organic food provides no additional nutritional benefits over conventional food, especially when you consider what most people eat as "conventional" food.  It's literally like comparing organic apples to Cap'n Crunch.

Bill Clinton rallied the Democrats with a speech at the DNC.  The speech was slated to be 24 minutes long but lasted for 49 minutes, which is what I'd imagine sex with Bill Clinton is like.

Scarlet Johansson, Carrie Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke.  Which means Obama will clinch the "my balls and shaft" vote.

An elderly farmer accidentally grew a field of pot.  Yeah, and I "accidentally" farted in my girlfriend's face.

Kanye West revealed that he has been lacing his songs with secret references to Kim for years.  Artists have been putting secret messages in their songs for years.  People like the Beatles and Andy Warhol.  I have been putting subtle references to Ryan Gosling in my blog for months.  Okay, most of them are not that subtle. 

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: August 25 - September 2

Sorry for the delay.  Not that you really care, but here are jokes that were written last week and never got posted until now.  I guess you didn't need to know that.  Here they are.

MTV reported that this will be the sixth and final season of the reality show Jersey Shore.  Spray a lil’ fake tanner in the air for your fallen homies.

During an interview with TMZ, Seal accused his ex-wife Heidi Klum of cheating on him during their marriage with her bodyguard, Martin Kristen. Other celebrities are reaching out to Klum with advice, like Tiger Woods: “If she needs help, she should call me… You thought?  No, not for that reason? I have vital life experience to share… She should call me.”

Gina Rinehart, the world’s wealthiest woman, offered the “jealous” poor some advice: “Spend less time drinking or smoking and socializing, and more time working.”  She continued, “Also, it helps being born into it.  Stupid sperms shooting out of poor nutsacks into even poorer eggs!”

Not only is Gina Rinehart the world's wealthiest woman, but she also has the blackest heart.

MTV cancelled Jersey Shore.  But don’t worry, this is still on:

Scientists estimated that by 2050, the world will have to convert to a vegetarian diet due to water shortages.  United States citizens responded with, “In the meantime, FEED ME MEAT!!!!”

MTV reported that this will be the sixth and final season of the reality show Jersey Shore.  Thank God because Snooki gave birth recently, too, so this last season coincides nicely with the end of the world.

Some of the world's foremost water scientists say the planet will have to cut its consumption of animal-based products from 20% to about 5% by 2050, assuming we want to feed the additional 2 billion people who are projected to occupy the Earth by that date.  That is if you don’t eat human.

MTV reported that this will be the sixth and final season of the reality show Jersey Shore, which led most people to say, “That show was still on?” 

Gina Rinehart, the world’s wealthiest woman, offered the “jealous” poor some advice: “Spend less time drinking or smoking and socializing, and more time working.”  Oh, come on people.  She brings up some great points.  She is after all a self-made millionaire.  What’s that?  It’s a family fortune.  I didn’t know that.  Fuc& her.

During an interview with TMZ, Seal accused his ex-wife Heidi Klum of cheating on him during their marriage with her bodyguard, Martin Kristen.  It gets worse for Klum.  Apparently, Kristen seduced her with the ballad Kissed From a Rose.  Yes, first he stole Seal’s song and then he stole her wife. 

Gina Rinehart, the world’s wealthiest woman, offered the “jealous” poor some advice: “Spend less time drinking or smoking and socializing, and more time working.”  And we have our winner for most out of touch old white person, barely edging out the entirety of the RNC!

Scientists cast doubt on the theory that a low-calorie diet increases longevity.  No, put down the bucket of KFC.  You’re misreading the study.  Take the chalupa out of your mouth - you can still get a heart attack from that. It means that the low-cal diet… oh nevermind.  It’s not worth it. Pass me a drumstick.

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: August 17-24

Dear Everyone,

Here are the monologue jokes for the week.  Notice that we did not write about Lance Armstrong.  That's because, as far as we are concerned, there is no news to report on Lance except that he is still an American hero.

XOXOXO

Bret and Jordan

This past week, nude photos of Prince Harry surfaced online.  To answer your question, yes, the carpet does match the drapes. 

A study reported that about 40% of food in the US supply chain goes uneaten.  I bet you wouldn’t guess that judging from America’s waistlines.

A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll found that 0% of blacks support Romney.  Interestingly, another poll reported 0% of whites support Obama.  Just kidding. White guilt would never let that happen!

About 40% of food in the US supply chain goes uneaten.  However, 100% of food in McDonald’s Happy Meals does. 

Ikea, the Swedish furniture shop, is building its very own city district in Hamburg, Germany.  The district will feature apartments, shops, and office space to be assembled by the residents.

This past week, nude photos of Prince Harry surfaced online, marking the first and last time in my life I google “nude prince harry photos.” 

Ikea, the Swedish furniture shop, is building its very own city district in Hamburg, Germany. Builders are already asking, “So where does this part go?”

A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll found that 0% of blacks support Romney. Upon hearing this, the Romney campaign stated, “How about this for a headline: 0% of multi-millionaire white Massachusetts governors endorse Obama?”

A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll reported that 0% of blacks support Romney, and, with that, 100% of thesejokesaredead are now walking away from this premise.

This past week, nude photos of Prince Harry surfaced online.  Be careful because googling “nude Prince Harry” returns pictures of this: 

Ikea, the furniture shop, is building its very own city district in Hamburg, Germany.  The city expects the district to combine the aesthetics and design of Sweden with the cheapness and poor assembly of China.

A study reported that about 40% of food in the US supply chain goes uneaten while the other 60% goes straight to our hips.

Ikea, the Swedish furniture shop, is building its very own city district in Hamburg, Germany.  The district will have apartments, shops, and office space that will fall apart in a matter of weeks.

This past week, nude photos of Prince Harry surfaced online.  More importantly, this past week everyone realized for the first time that they’d rather see Harry naked than Prince “Bald Horse Face” William.  Okay, that was mean, but, like, William used to look like a member of One Direction.  Now, he looks like his father and is married to Kate “Middleclass.”  BOOM THEY KEEP ON COMING.  Guess who has the hot hand?  He’s on fire!

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes August 4 - August 10

If you keep reading, you will get to read some expired jokes about stuff that happened in the last 7 days. Get work on the reading. Keep it up.

It’s being reported that President Obama’s campaign has basically spammed donors’ email accounts, with over 600 emails in the last three months.  This marks the first time in American history, a candidate has run on the ‘wealthy Nigerian prince’ platform.

It’s being reported that President Obama’s campaign has sent over 600 emails in three months, effectively making it spam. President Obama denies the criticism, “It’s not spam; my penis enhancing supplements actually work.”

In Detroit, a 9-year-old sold over 3.4 thousand dollars of lemonade in the last week, making him the wealthiest Detroit citizen in history.

It’s being reported that the phrase OMG goes back to 1917, in a letter from a British Admiral John Fisher to Winston Churchill.  Which might help explain Woodrow Wilson’s justification for U.S. entering World War I as “YOLO.”

It’s being reported that the phrase OMG goes back to 1917, in a letter from a British Admiral John Fisher to Winston Churchill.  Apparently Fisher was responding to Churchill drunk Morse-coding him the night before.

The US leads China in the gold medal count and total medal count. China responded, “Oh really? Have you looked at the back? Check where they were made.”

The US took the lead from China in the overall medal count this past week. US Olympic officials, when asked what led to the jump, stated, “Black people sports. China is good at the earlier events like darts, SATs, and Dance-Dance Revolution.” Reporters asked, “Isn’t that a little racist?” US Olympic officials responded, “Isn’t that what the Olympics are about?”

U.S. overtook China in medal count.  Although China still dominates the U.S. in ‘Sweat Shop Kids Working at Mattel” count.

Musical artist Beck is releasing his next album not as a CD but as sheet music in which “bringing the songs to life depends on you.”  Releasing an album as sheet music? That’s just releasing an unfinished album; do your job, Beck.  Contractors can’t just give homeowners blueprints and say, “You got this.”

Musical artist Beck is releasing his next album not as a CD but as sheet music in which “bringing the songs to life depends on you.”  In other words, Beck just doesn’t want to record his album.

Musical artist Beck is releasing his next album not as a CD but as sheet music in which “bringing the songs to life depends on you.”  Not to be outdone, Quentin Tarantino is releasing his next film as a scribbled-on napkin.

U.S. rower Henrik Rummel is in a slight pickle after photos of him on the medal stand appear to show an erect penis. Apparently, Rummel credits the U.S. bronze medal with their training, team camaraderie, and his third oar.

U.S. rower Henrik Rummel is in a slight pickle after photos of him on the medal stand appear to show an erect penis. Apparently, Rummel took the wrong kind of performance-enhancing drug.

After a photo of him on the medal stand showed the outline of his pen15, US Rower Henrik Rummel took to the Internet to explain that, contrarty to how it looks, he was not fully erect. Indeed, we, too, only get a half-chub for bronze medals. After a photo of him on the medal stand showed the outline of his pen15, US Rower Henrik Rummel took to Reddit to write: “This is me and I swear it's not erect! I don't know why it ended up in that position but there you go.” We know you won a medal and all, but tone down the #humblebrag.

In New York, Trojan is handing out 10,000 sex toys from “Pleasure Carts” across the city.  Most people are a little weirded out by the move, but hobos approve.

The latest edition of Vogue breaks records, weighing in at over 916 pages. Or as their editor-in-chief puts it, “A lot of tampon ads.”

In Norway, bears broke into a woman’s cabin, drank over 100 beers, and trashed the place.  The cabin owner calls it “frustrating” but the bears call it “Porridge-Vengeance Day.”

In Norway, a bear broke into a cabin with her 3 cubs and proceeded to consume all of the food in the place, including 100 cans of beer. When reached for comment, the bear said, “If the cubs are going to drink, I’d rather they do it under my supervision.”

A new study shows that stressed men prefer their partners to be heavy women.  The study goes on to say that stressed women prefer their partners to be ice cream.

In Rome, a drunk man passed out on an airport baggage belt. After moving through the airport’s baggage security for 15 minutes, he tripped the alarms since he is most definitely “the bomb.” In Rome, a drunk man passed out on an airport baggage belt and moved through the airport’s secure baggage area for 15 minutes. Authorities noticed him and woke the man by telling him, “Sir, it’s free if you carry your self-respect on the plane but it’s an additional $25 if you check it.”

In Rome, a drunk man passed out on an airport baggage belt and moved through the airport’s secure baggage area for 15 minutes, giving new meaning to the saying, “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Trojan is handing out 10,000 Tri-Phoria and Pulse sex toys from carts that look like the food vendors seen all over NYC, giving new meaning to the term: “Street Meat.” Trojan is handing out 10,000 Tri-Phoria and Pulse sex toys around NYC, as part of its continuing attempt to erase the stigma associated with vibrators. For tactics, they plan on using the usual grassroots tactics employed by many businesses: street cart vendors, social media, and Hasidic Jews.

Bret and Jordan

[thesejokesaredead-blog]

Monologue Jokes: July 27 - August 3

Read the jokes with your eyes.

Bret and Jordan

Jenna Jameson endorsed presidential candidate Mitt Romney last night.  When asked why, the former pornstar replied, “I’m just a little strung out on black men in powerful positions.”

Retired pornstar Jenna Jameson endorsed presidential candidate Mitt Romney last night.  Giving Romney major credibility in that oh-so-coveted retired pornstar demographic.

Retired pornstar Jenna Jameson endorsed presidential candidate Mitt Romney last night.  This morning she clarified: “Mormon in the office? No, I just want more-men in my office.”

Ex-pornstar Jenna Jameson endorsed presidential candidate Mitt Romney last night.  Whether he wins the election or not, Romney has officially reached the peak of political aspirations.

Jenna Jameson endorsed presidential candidate Mitt Romney last night.  This has inspired Obama to campaign harder, and Bill Clinton to re-enter the presidential race.

Jenna Jameson endorsed presidential candidate Mitt Romney last night.  Which would mean a lot to the campaign, if 16-year-old males could vote from their computer chairs.

In Italy, it is now illegal to tell another man he has “no balls.”  Among the groups outraged, feminists screaming, “Hey that’s not fair! We have no balls, too!”

In Italy, it is now illegal to tell another man he has “no balls.”  Among the bill’s biggest proponents: politicians afraid of being accused of having “no balls.”

This past week President Obama unveiled his new campaign slogan: “Forward.”  Or, as he originally penned it: “Forewarned.”

Today, the U.S. overtook China for most gold medals.  And tomorrow, the U.S. is paying off its debts to China with those gold medals.

In China, rich criminals are able to hire body doubles to serve their jail sentences for them.  New on the most racist list: Chinese guards who think all Chinese people look alike.

In a stunning display of sportsmanship, Team USA basketball beat Nigeria by over 80 points, breaking Olympic records.  LeBron James said US was trying to emulate the ’92 Dream Team, and Nigeria’s coach said they were trying to emulate the Washington Generals.

In a stunning display of sportsmanship, Team USA basketball beat Nigeria by over 80 points, breaking Olympic records.  Things the Nigerians don’t have a word for: Mercy Rule.

According to a new study by scientists, to fight bone loss, drink wine.  According to a new study by alcoholics, to fight memory loss, drink wine.

Twitter unveiled a new feature last night, called the Cashtag.  Its inventors are excited to add a new innovation to Twitter, and douchebags are excited to add a new word to their vocabulary.

It’s being reported that Mark Zuckerberg is no longer among the technology industry’s 10 richest people, after his net worth dropped to $10.2 billion.  People who don’t care: people worth 10.2 billion dollars.

Facebook conducted a poll and found that 8.9% of its accounts are unwanted.  I was shocked—I thought more parents had accounts.

Yesterday was National Middle Finger Day, or as it’s known in New York: a weekday.

It’s being reported that R&B icon Stevie Wonder has filed for divorce.  Apparently, Mr. Wonder just couldn’t stand the look of his wife anymore… He didn’t see her in his future… He had eyes for another woman. You get the idea: the guy’s blind.

Despite winning 2 gold medals, Gabrielle Douglas came under social media criticism for of all things her hair.  To this, the entire viewership of Sportscenter replied: what the f#%$ are you talking about?

  Despite winning 2 gold medals, Gabrielle Douglas came under fire on Twitter for, of all things, the state of her hair.  In other news, the end is nigh.

  Despite winning 2 gold medals, Gabrielle Douglas came under social media criticism for of all things her hair.  Gabby should hang in there – when Jesus fed 5,000, a few hundred losers complained that they had actually ordered salmon.

  Senator Marc Rubio criticized the IRS for taxing Olympic medalists’ prizes called for a tax exemption for all Olympic medalists on their prizes, “Our tax code is a complicated burdensome mess that too often punishes success.”  To untangle the knot that is the tax code, he proposed more exemptions and rules.

  Ryan Lochte admitted to urinating in the Olympic swimming pool during the London games and said that athletes usually pee in the pool.  Yes, while it may be true that most athletes do it, most of them keep it to themselves.

  Ryan Lochte admitted to urinating in the Olympic swimming pool during the London games and said that athletes usually pee in the pool. Just because things are true does not mean you need to share them.  You don’t see me telling everyone how I use the bath nozzle as a bidet to save toilet paper.

  Ryan Lochte admitted to urinating in the Olympic swimming pool during the London games and his mother stated that her son is into one-night stands.  Even in the sport of oversharing, Lochte is underperforming.

  Olympic officials warned Ryan Lochte to not wear his $25,000 jewel-encrusted grill onto the podium stand during the medal ceremony. If there were a gold medal in douchebaggery, Lochte would finally beat Phelps.

  Ryan Lochte sat down with Ryan Seacrest to discuss aspects of the Olympics, specifically that he peed in the water.  The interview allowed Seacrest to show his Olympic-level talent for unearthing facts that no one wants to, cares to, or ought to know.

  Beyonce is directing a documentary about – wait for it – Beyonce.  The documentary seeks to showcase the true woman behind the fame.  In particular, it will shed light on her humility.

  Beyonce is directing a documentary about – wait for it – Beyonce. Remember, let he is without judgment cast the first stonn, which means I have no right to say anything since for weeks now my balls have been tweeting about my balls.

  Jenna Jameson announced that she is supporting Mitt Romney, while her tits announced they are supporting her.

  Jenna Jameson is supporting Mitt Romney. Many voters, though, are undecided… on how they feel about her tits.  (Boom: two boob jokes in the bag!  Fist bumps all around. High Five! Finish with a crotch chop)