Counsels of a Weathered Hickory

reminders. nothing more, but certainly nothing less.

[theweatheredhickory]

4.13.20

Young, strong, beautiful, burning with fire and passion and life,

I don’t remember what it was like 

to feel these feelings and write these words

that a social media relic from my college days tells me 

I threw into the internet void all those years ago. 

I’ve grown, I know that, there is so much I’ve learned since then

but why does growing feel like dying? why does it bring this pain?

I feel more scared than I’ve ever been, I feel more lost than I’ve ever been,

I feel more panicked, I feel more angry, I feel more anxious and depressed and broken and confused and lifeless and tired and falling apart.

But also for the first time in maybe all this time, I feel. 

I’m mad that this is who I always was. 

I’m mad that I believed for so long and with such conviction that it wasn’t.

But I knew? A little bit. I remember

suspicion, doubt, a small voice in my head:

wrong, wrong, something is very very wrong.

I wasn’t ready to know, there was nothing I could have done then. 

I don’t know if it’s right to think back to the light I had before

to yearn for a time when I believed I held clarity. 

I’m no longer sure clarity even exists.

It’s annoying how cliche this all is, how predictably mid-20s finding yourself coming of age figuring out life crisis;

I’ve always thrived a little too much on the idea of being “different”. 

Maybe that’s just a way of hoping I’m not as messed up as it looks.

The philosopher in me reminds me that even if I am that messed up,

that’s also still not unique either.

I wouldn’t call it common, but it’s nothing one would presumably write home about if they had one. 

Or maybe they would, not that I would know. 

I just want to curl up in a ball for a while, but I’ve got two more weeks before I can do that for as long as I need to, and then as I want to. 

I’m tired though, so I’ll go to bed. I suppose it’s a place to start. 

[theweatheredhickory]

it frustrates me so much sometimes to see how sad people can be about a tragedy, how sympathetic and gentle and caring, and yet so very, very far away from understanding. 

And it’s not their fault, if you haven’t been there, haven’t seen it, felt it, suffered it, how can you know? How can you ever know? But I look at the outpourings of public support, I look at the monologues of reflection, and I think, do you think it would have mattered? do you think it would have made a difference? is it not most obvious when the one lost is a bright star, a cherished figure, publicly lauded and openly “loved”, that it was this type of support exactly that could not save them? 

“I hated myself. I tried to hold on to breaking memories and yelled at myself to get a grip, but there was no answer.....I asked who it was. It was me. And it was me. And it was me again. I asked why I kept losing my memories. They said it was because of my personality. I see. It was my fault in the end.”

I feel bad for being negative at a time when people need light. But I am also tired of pretending like the darkness doesn’t exist. I don’t know. I want a world where mental health is taken seriously, I want us to be able to see it when it rears its ugly head, I want us to be able to snap our fingers and go “ah yes, we know how to fix this”. But how? How? It all seems so far away. 

[defineyourgrind]

[weeb-potato]

My psych teacher has a poster in her classroom that says “Everytime you call your boyfriend ‘Daddy,’ Sigmund Freud’s ghost grows a little bit stronger,” and if that isn't​ threatening, then I don’t know what is.

[slowspinningredemption]

I just had this hyper-realistic dream and like. I don’t even know what to make of this lmao 

I was sitting in this park, on a bench, looking up at the night sky and all the stars and stuff, and I blinked and suddenly the entire sky was different. I’m talking different constellations, the sky absolutely packed with billions more stars, some so close they’re massive. I’m like wtf and suddenly I realise there’s an old man sitting next to me, dressed in like 1940s clothing, also looking up at the sky.

before I can ask him if he’s you know, noticed, he speaks, without looking away from the sky.

“this is what the universe really looks like,” he tells me.

“oh,” I say. a pause. “…can you put it back?”

he smiles and nods. I look up. the sky has gone back to normal.

“what do I do with this information?” I ask, looking at him again.

he turns his head and, smiling, looks me dead in the face. "be careful.“

[gayladypank-deactivated20180415]

hey op im pretty sure you mightve just met god or something like that

[haiku-robot]

hey op im pretty sure you mightve just met god or something like that

^Haiku^bot^0.4. Sometimes I do stupid things (but I have improved with syllables!). Beep-boop!

[cisbigot]

straight girls are just as homophobic as straight guys bye you dont get a get out of jail free card

[defineyourgrind]

[pitdae]

myungsoo will fight anyone who tells him not to wear black 

[theweatheredhickory]

@relapserelapserelapse

[59oz]

it’s funny when straight girls think you have an automatic crush on them because you’re gay like no Cindy you’re single for a reason

[rhaenyras]

The Empress of China (2014) dir. Go Yik Chun

[profeminist]

At the same time, you’ve got a legitimate right to be angry!  

READ: “Why I’m Absolutely an Angry Black Woman” by Dominique Matti 

“Because when I was five, my kindergarten classmate told me I couldn’t be the princess in the game we were playing because black girls couldn’t be princesses. Because I was in third grade the first time a teacher seemed shocked at how “well-spoken” I was. Because in fourth grade I was told my crush didn’t like black girls. 

Because I am not seen as a woman. Because I am not allowed to be fragile. Because the nurse that checked me in at the hospital to deliver wouldn’t look my husband in the eye. Because the vast majority of people won’t look my husband in the eye. Because when the doctors put my son in my arms and I saw that he was as dark as his father, I knew life would be even harder for him.

Because I am trapped here. Because the playing field isn’t leveled. Because I love my skin. Because I love being a woman. Because not hating myself is considered radical. Because I’ve been called racist for defending myself. Because all the major protests are for cis black men. Because I’ve been told that talking about the women who’ve died is taking away from the real issue.

Because I get no break from fighting. Because everything is a struggle. Because my anger isn’t validated. Because they don’t care about my pain. Because they don’t believe in my pain. Because they forgive themselves without atoning. Because I’m not free. Because the awareness of it permeates everything. Because it’s not ending. Because they teach the children that it’s already ended. Because someone will assert their supremacy over me today. Because they’ll do it tomorrow.

Because I want more. Because I deserve better.”

Read the full piece here

[blackness-by-your-side]

[betterbemeta]

I guess to specific-up what I am talking about like, some examples.

“You know, harassment is really common in athletic settings.” -> “Did you know all these pro athletes give to charity? sports is never bad ever.”

“The nuclear family really enables domestic and child abuse by giving parents ultimate authority over a child.” -> “you wouldn’t be here without your parents! some people have DIED for the right to start a family!”

“Some cis lesbians are laterally hostile to other LGBT+ demographics, including trans women, and bi and gay men, who they blame for spreading STIs to their isolated circles.” -> “lesbians cared for dying men with AIDS, you can’t EVER say some of them have done bad things as it implicates ALL of them and greater society already tells them they are Bad.”

like, how hard is it for people to understand that both good and bad people have done the things they do based on different interpretations of a background they share. Not everyone who makes some kind of criticism is some kind of reactionary pundit making an absolutist statement to smear a whole activity, population, or sphere of life.

[shutupandspin]

[adventurecomics]

Evidence against the argument that Superman's disguise wouldn't fool anyone:

[jean-kirschtussy]

adventurecomics

Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton look alike contest to a fucking drag queen.

Charlie Chaplin once failed to even place at a Charlie Chaplin impersonator contest.

Hugh Jackman went to comic con as Wolverine, only 2 people noticed him and one told him he was too tall.

Christopher Reeve use to go to a restaurant in costume when filming Superman. When he went in the Superman costume he was mobbed by people all the time. When he went in the Clark Kent costume no one realized he was Christopher Reeve.

[lifeisfuckingweirdyo]

• Robert Downey Jr. got second place in Tony Stark look-alike contest.

[thetangential]

[wolvensnothere]

Whoa.

[yeahbanero-deactivated20140128]

I read this out loud to boyfriend and he just went “ohhhhhhhhh” 

[major-trouble]

That’s fucking brilliant.

[fruitsaladchewits-deactivated20]

“One of the worst things you can do to somebody with a mental illness is make them feel as though they have to prove their illness to you. And one of the best things you can do is listen.”