I’m deeply afraid. In just a short few months so much has changed, this new reality that has taken hold feels like some silly naive daydream. I think I’m so frightened to be awoken and realize it was nothing but a dream that I can’t experience this sensation of happiness to the fullest. So much has happened in so little time that I’m beginning to question my sanity. I think of the past and draw out comparisons when I know I shouldn’t. But it’s all I have to go based off of, to see where differences or similarities may lie. I think of my mistakes and the promises I’ve made only to be broken and feel so torn. It was in those moments I did very much mean every word, but now that time has passed and we’ve changed, those words hold no meaning. It’s not to say I lied, I swear I did mean it. But I was still holding onto a reality that had long died out. A reality that no longer existed or ever existed to begin with. My reality is that we were strangers from the start because now I don’t know what it is I feel for you. It’s not resentment, it’s not nostalgia, it’s not love, it’s really nothing more than curiosity and questioning. Why did I ever like you to begin with? I can’t say, but I’m sure at the start I had an answer. Now that I’ve shed that old skin and have been reborn into this new life, I’ve been able to encounter many more unpleasant or fond experiences. Each one teaching me a greater lesson than the previous, and somewhere along the way I stumbled upon him. He scares me greatly. I think it’s solely because he’s the image of everything I ever wanted but was never fortunate to be given. The sincerity scares me greatly: the gentleness, the patience, the tenderness of it all. I want to better myself for him. I want to be the best version of me that I can be. But bad habits die hard, and I must really push past my limits to pursue this future. That’s what scares me, am I even capable?
