Things Your Boss Should Not Say

...and yet he/she does. Good thing The Listener and X are there to record these pellets of wisdom.

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Does God Have an AOL Account?

"He doesn't use email, of course. He's a minister."

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"There are no chunks of meat on the counter to change your habits. But there are adult beverages in the cabinet. And lemons in the basement. No limes, though. You'll have to buy those."

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"Why do people still wear cardigans? Is he dead? How MANY shirts is he WEARING? Come as I what?"

- boss in a steady stream of grunge (life?) illiteracy 

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Goals. We All Need Goals.

"I'll try not to be too terrible." - your (adult) boss...or a 4-year-old?

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Boss: "He'll call back. He's in a cell phone...no, with a cell phone. Well, he has a cell phone."

[theparisreview]

“Carson liked sherry with her tea, brandy with her coffee and her purse with a large flask of whiskey. Between books, when she was neither famous nor monied, she claimed she existed almost exclusively on gin, cigarettes, and desperation for weeks at a time. During her most productive years she employed a round-the-clock drinking system: she’d start the day at her typewriter with a ritual glass a beer, a way of saying it was time to work, then steadily sip sherry as she typed. If it was cold and there was no wood for the stove, she’d turn up the heat with double shots of whiskey. She concluded her workday before dinner, which she primed with a martini. Then it was off to the parties, which meant more martinis, cognac, and, oftentimes, corn whiskey. Finally, she ended the day as it began, with a bedtime beer.

“Her recuperative abilities are the stuff of legend—she would rise the following morning, shake off her hangover like so much dust, down her morning beer, and get back to work.”

The Carson McCullers Diet

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Carson McCullers: Or, How to Be Your Own Boss. 

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The truth shall set you free

Me: "But doesn't that make you sound incompetent?"

Boss: "That's okay. I am incompetent." 

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Communiqué with Gollum, er, Boss

"Thanks.  A good wrap-ups. Haves good weekend."

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Sometimes Boss Logic is like this. Some might say the world gets a little...Fassbendered. 

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Those Little Grey Cells

Boss: "Come in and meet them. They have brains, just like you."

Me: "What?"

Boss: "You know, for thinking. Oh, did you see the figs I brought?"

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Welcome back to the Land of Non-Sequiturs. 

Boss: "The electricity went out in our house this morning. It was so cute."

Me: "Cute?"

Boss: "Well, then it came back on. Someone in the neighborhood must have hit something. Or else we're turning into a Third World Country, like Iran or Iraq."

Me: "That's definitely the most likely scenario."

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The Digital(ly) Age(d)

Boss: "It's you young people who are so plugged in. Some of us learn things* later."

*things = birth of Royal Baby Mountbatten-Windsor

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Boss to X: "You're not wearing sneakers!"

X: "No, it's summer. I wear sandals in the summer."

Boss: "Oh. I just wanted to comment on the change of outfit."

X: "Okay..."

Boss: "I thought maybe it was because you were getting old."

X: "..."

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Boss: "I think I have the tendency to become an alcoholic. I just smelled these flowers and wished I had a big drink right here."

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Boss: "Have you ever thought of yourself as protean?"

Me: "No..."

Boss: "I've never used that word to describe anyone before but now I think it's you!"

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Family ties

Boss: "Have you ever wondered if you were adopted?"

Me: "No, I look just like my mother."

Boss: "Oh. But you could still be adopted."  

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Boss: "Organization from the top down? That's not good for me."