The bartender says, "We don't serve puns here."

"Wow," says the pun, "this place is no joke."

[ut4k4t4-deactivated20170905]

A man walks into a bar and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling by rope. “Bartender, why are those steaks there?” he says. “It’s a game. If you can jump and grab all of them, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a shot?” The man looks up and says: “No thanks, the steaks are too high”

[neosad]

Two neopets walk into a bar.The bartender drops the glass he is holding and backs up “but I haven’t fed you in years, I thought you were dead!” the two neopets grab a bottle of whiskey and pour themselves shots while the bartender stands in shock and awe. The first neopet looks up into the bartenders eyes “We never die, we’re just sad and crying.”

[someoldjokes]

From The Budget of Wit and Amusement, 1812

[languageguru-blog]

[jennellelle-blog]

Found this gem today.

[thispunwalksintoabar]

Thin gum talks unto an ear.

[thispunwalksintoabar]

This guy walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'd like to see your ID."

The guy hands over his driver license and smiles, "Great face pic, don't you think?"

The bartender frowns and replies, "I asked to see your ID, not your ego." thispunwalksintoabar: Thin gum talks unto an ear.

Then, barmender Sam’s kid bike got seen. “Tour it.”

Then, Gus’ handy oven is driven. “Licenses, any miles?” Greet fake pig. Dent your thing. Then, barmender crowns hand. Replied it, “Asker, so seem you. Rid now our lego.”

[thispunwalksintoabar]

Thin gum talks unto an ear.

Then, barmender Sam's kid bike got seen. "Tour it."

Then, Gus' handy oven is driven. "Licenses, any miles?" Greet fake pig. Dent your thing. Then, barmender crowns hand. Replied it, "Asker, so seem you. Rid now our lego."

[jennadaily-blog]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a full glass of beer, the second orders half a glass, the third orders a quarter of a glass, and so on. The bartender says “Whoa, whoa, slow down. You guys need to learn your limits.”

[liod]

The question is, why is there a box in the pub?

[justagirldfw]

That Crazy Chuck

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”

[stand-up-gifs]

Reggie Watts (x)

[marrowsmith98]

[ouchiee]

[embeebee]

Damn Trader Joe’s, I love this.

[thispunwalksintoabar]

A man from the forty-first century walks into the bar.

The bartender hired him on the spot as the new bar cook. Later that evening, a regular patron came into the bar and ordered a burger. The patron commented that the burger tasted a little less robust than usual. When asked about the burger, the cook from the forty-first century replied, "What do you expect when you hire a man out of thyme?"

[thispunwalksintoabar]

This artichoke walks into the bar.

The bartender slaps it in the face and screams. "That's for what you did to my brother!"

"Just get me a drink, you cow," returned the artichoke, coughing up blood, feces, and semen.

"I don't want to see you ever again!" shouted the bartender, and pulled out a shotgun. "Now get your ugly vegetable face out of my god damn bar."

The artichoke laughed with a dirty, violent expression, and turned to leave. "What were you expecting from me? An arty joke?"

[thispunwalksintoabar]

Abbot and Costello walk into a bar.

Abbott: This is a great joint. They always have some interesting beers on tap.

Costello: What kinds of beer?

Abbott: You know, they give these craft beers funny names these days.

Costello: I don't care about the names. Let's get some beer.

Abbott: I'm just warning you.

Costello: We're not getting any service. Hey bartender, who's on tap here?

Bartender: Yes.

Costello: What's on tap?

Bartender: Yes. What would you like?

Costello: I don't know's on tap yet.

Bartender: That's right.

Costello: Look, do ya know what's on tap or not?

Bartender: Yes.

Costello: Well, what's on tap?

Bartender: Yes.

Costello: What's the name of the beer on tap?

Bartender: Not what.

Costello: Then, what's on tap here?

Bartender: Yes.

Costello: Well, Abbott. I have no idea what's goin' on around here. Any recommendations?

Abbott: Last time I tried Hooson first, Wutson second, and Idunt Noson third.

Costello: That's it. I am outta here.