On his first day at the Pitt, when he'd lost Mr. Milton, he couldn't help but hear his mother's voice in his head.
“I told you, Dennis. ‘The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up.’ Who are you to think you can change this man’s fate? God called him home. It's all in His plan. Do not interfere.”
With each patient he lost, he felt his soul become heavier and heavier. He felt like a kid playing doctor, a man fighting against God, trying to change the inevitable. He felt like a failure.
He didn't know if he still believed in God.
“I don’t know if I actually believe in God, especially on days like today.”
Whitaker grabbed his phone from the chair next to his bed, unplugging it and scrolling through his contacts until he saw the name he was looking for.
Whitaker’s breath caught in his throat. Fuck. He really didn't think this through. Fuck. Why did he press call?
“Who is this?” Robby's voice was gruff with sleep, sounding more irritated as the silence went on.
Whitaker closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Dr. Robby.”
There was a pause, then a slightly disbelieving “Whitaker?”
The crackling sound of blankets rustling came through the speaker, and Whitaker felt a sharp pang. He'd woken him up. Of course he had, it was the middle of the night. He could picture it: Robby, head resting on his pillow, blankets pulled up to his chest, eyes squinting against the LEDs of his alarm clock.
Whitaker let out a shaky breath. “Yeah.”
“Why are you calling me?”
He didn't know how to answer that question. There was no way to answer that question without embarrassing himself.
Sorry, Dr. Robby. I’m lonely. I miss my family. I'm thinking about all of the patients I’ve lost. I know you've lost hundreds more, and I know this is just part of the job, and I should just get used to it, but my fucking soul hurts. I feel like a failure. I miss my mom. I wish she loved me more than she loves God. Is that a fucked up thing to say?
Maybe I’m not cut out for this.
“You realize I gave you this number for emergencies.”
Whitaker opened his mouth to apologize, to tell him it's no big deal, to say sorry for calling so late, and on a work night as well, but all that came out was a shuddering sob.
