my heartbreaks and other things that almost killed me

if they aren't reblogs, they're literary children of my brain that talk about the extremes of my life. hello!

[thoughtbubbling]

[thoughtbubbling]

i.

There are many moments in my life I can't really condense to "one word that best describes it".

I, for one, can never find the right word for when Reign tells me or makes me feel he's proud of me. It's not the easiest to describe how someone as great as he is gets to tell me I did good or that what I made amazed him. I also find it hard to name the security I am assured of whenever we hold hands--a name for the serene feeling I get in resting my chin on our intertwined hands or having you rest your head on it. Add to that the indescribable rush I get from when I lean on your shoulder as you stroke your hands through my [often a mess of a] hair--a word for how I've found myself at home in leaning on your shoulders so much so that I always picture a quiet nap for when I'm there. It's difficult to compress in a word my constant want to both hit you and hug you whenever you spill cheese that I am never prepared for.

I can never name the joy I felt when you brought over Jollibee because stupid me can never stop a craving, or the kilig I felt as you sang and played on the ukulele Can't Help Falling In Love--something anyone would probably die to see you do, and having my front seat to that was beyond anything I could ever wish for--or the involuntary smile I have when you're around, or the flawlessness I feel when you're here--how I inexplicably feel whole and complete that I am home--or the freeing relief of having told you of the nightmares that haunt me in my own house, or this: having the need to write you a not-that-good-enough essay just to tell you I love you (and how saying that to you in person consumes a day's energy).

All these things, and more, including [most especially] how I feel for you, I could never summarize to a simple "happy" or "thankful" or "loved"; and I guess I shouldn't have to. Not because I'm lazy or because you don't deserve it--Lord knows you deserve the universe and more--but because that's not fair to you. For all that you do for me, even just counting today, I don't think it's right that how I feel for you is compressed to only /a/ word. You are too good to me for me to limit you to a word that won't even do the work of depicting how much you mean to me.

I still find it hard to comprehend why we're here. How is the boy constantly called by my friends in school to say hi to me the same boy who went out of his way to see me [not to mention with chickenjoy!!!]? I'd like to know what magic the universe worked on both of us, but for now I just have to thank you.

As thankful as I am for all your cheese today, for the chickenjoy, for singing Can't Help Falling In Love as you played the ukulele, for telling me about We Could Happen (it's on repeat hihi), for having coffee with me, for all your clinginess, and for listening to me rant about a crappy homily I heard yesterday and about a crappy ex who has haunted the house with bad memories, I'm most thankful for you.

I will never be able to compress what I feel for you in a word. For now, I guess we'll call it love [although, I'd like to believe it something much more than that]. Thank you for today and for everyday. You make my life a little more bearable and livable.

[thelittledreamcatcher]

[bookmania]

“Hearts are the toughest of muscles, able to pump for a lifetime, and scarcely falter along the way.” ― Neil Gaiman

[thoughtbubbling]

I used to be in love with your physical being and your little quirks. After today, I am now in love with who you are as a whole, disregarding what you look like and what you prefer. I am in love with your soul--your precious, magical soul.

After Today, I’ll Never Be the Same

[ivc-spilledink]

[going-lightly]

Tonight I feel fleeting. I feel temporary — in so, so many ways.

Do you ever wonder how people will remember you when you leave? If they do at all, that is.

[thoughtbubbling]

I wish it would all just stop...at least just slow down. (High School Musical 3, 2008)

[p0ck3tf0x]

One Hundred Ways to Say ‘I Love You’

“Pull over.  Let me drive for awhile.”

“It reminded me of you.”

“No, no, it’s my treat.”

“Come here.  Let me fix it.”

“I’ll walk you home.”

“Have a good day at work.”

“I dreamt about you last night.”

“Take my seat.”

“I saved a piece for you.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“You can have half.”

“Take my jacket, it’s cold outside.”

“Sorry I’m late.”

“Can I have this dance?”

“I made your favourite.”

“It’s okay.  I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

“Watch your step.”

“Here, drink this.  You’ll feel better.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“You can borrow mine.”

“You might like this.”

“It’s not heavy.  I’m stronger than I look.”

“I’ll wait.”

“Just because.”

“Look both ways.”

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to.”

“Try some.”

“Drive safely.”

“Well, what do you want to do?”

“One more chapter.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“It looks good on you.”

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

“That’s okay, I bought two.”

“After you.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“I like your laugh.”

“Don’t cry.”

“I made this for you.”

“Go back to sleep.”

“Is this okay?”

“I picked these for you.”

“I’ll drive you to the hospital.”

“What do you want to watch?”

“You can go first.”

“Did you get my letter?”

“I’ll do it for you.”

“Call me when you get home.”

“I think you’re beautiful.”

“Are you sure?”

“Have fun.”

“Sit down, I’ll get it.”

“I made reservations.”

“I don’t mind.”

“It brings out your eyes.”

“There is enough room for both of us.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“Wow.”

“Happy birthday.”

“I’ll pick it up after work.”

“It can wait until tomorrow.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“It’s two sugars, right?”

“I’ll help you study.”

“Stay over.”

“I did the dishes.”

“You didn’t have to ask.”

“I bought you a ticket.”

“You’re warm.”

“No reason.”

“I’ll meet you halfway.”

“Take mine.”

“We can share.”

“I was just thinking about you.”

“I want you to have this.”

“Call me if you need anything.”

“Do you want to come too?”

“I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”

“Is your seatbelt on?”

“Sweet dreams.”

“I was in the neighbourhood.”

“Stay there.  I’m coming to get you.”

“The key is under the mat.”

“It doesn’t bother me.”

“You’re important too.”

“I saved you a seat.”

“I’ll see you later.”

“I noticed.”

“You can tell me anything.”

“I hope you like it.”

“I want you to be happy.”

“I believe in you.”

“You can do it.”

“Good luck.”

“I brought you an umbrella.”

“I’ll pick you up at the airport.”

“Take a deep breath.”

“Be careful.”

And…

“I love you.”

[kissing-in-lifted-trucksxx-deac]

I love this so much

[going-lightly]

A hundred thousand thoughts pulsating through my body – none of which I feel comfortable enough to write about.

Who have I become?

[lightphrases-deactivated2018070]

stop telling yourself he’ll eventually have time for you. stop making up reasons for his lack of effort. stop pretending not to notice his ignorance. please. stop writing about him like he never left you.

(via corenners)

[thoughtbubbling]

It makes me unsure of what we are...if we even are anything.

[lightphrases-deactivated2018070]

a random thought

I’m tired of grey areas.

I’m tired of constantly being assured of one thing and then end up being denied whenever push comes to shove. I’m tired of “I want to but…” and “I love you but….” I’m tired of having to explain myself to people. I’m tired of always having the tragic misfortune of being stuck in limbo. Why can’t things be black and white? Everything should be simpler. I don’t want to have to resort to conditions or ultimatums.

[kushandwisdom]

.

[hypebeast]

BW Architects re-design an 1840′s Greenwich village townhouse in NYC.

[stability]

[thunderpopcola]

Be/loved.

A few years ago, I desperately, shamelessly loved a boy.

I romanticized him in every possible way. 

I spent hours writing him letters I would either throw away or burn - knowing full well I have etched every word in my young, lonesome heart. I would listen to his favorite songs hoping to catch a glimmer of myself in a lyric. I took all his sadness and carried it with me.

He made me thoroughly hate myself. He made me feel invisible. He left me a scar that is so deep, there are still nights I feel it wake within me. It screams profanity, it feeds my self-loathing, it stops me from giving and receiving love.

Well today, I have finally decided to be loved. 

To be loved because I am His Beloved.

I have made a choice to take this sacrifice, believe in its reality, and allow it to permeate through my heart. I have exhausted myself the past years believing that I am not worthy to be loved, that I am too emotional, too weak, too anxious to be given love. I have given up on believing the lies of the enemy because His love surmounts all my sadness, my fear, and my hopelessness.

As limited entities, we are capable of hurting and being hurt. We meet people, flawed as us, who cannot give us the love that we long for. This points to the relentless reality of a Divine Love that is irrational, unconditional, and infinite. It covers our weakness only to prove His strength. 

With fresh tears and a delightful heart, I can finally say that the wound is no more. I choose to not let it linger when love comes in. I am finally prepared to be/loved.  

-

This blog post is inspired by a message I watched today from Elevation Church entitled ‘It Works Both Ways.’

[softandunsteady]

don’t love a girl with a broken spine. she’ll turn you into her back brace and she’ll fucking bend rock bottom if you leave.

damn it, if you choose to love an artist with a broken spine, think about it. think about it because if you love her and you kiss her and then you leave her, i swear, there will be nothing but avalanches and tsunamis and a fucking whirlpool in your ribcage. there won’t be red tides but there will be blue and red and yellow and green for she will bleed paint as she tries to cut herself.

there won’t be tornadoes, love. she won’t be “like cold coffee in the morning”.

she’ll have a war in her head and there will be a coffin for her bed.