the diary of kai

he/20/im human, i promise, i try to act like one but sometimes its hard. vent blog thing

[thoughtsboutlife]

i wish i could talk to myself as a person sometimes

[thoughtkick]

“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.”

— Ernest Hemingway

[quotesthatstayedwithme]

[thoughtsboutlife]

jesus christ is a raisin.

explaination:

jesus is able to turn water into wine.

wine is made from grapes.

raisins are dried grapes.

google search: how are raisins made from grapes?

answer: grapes are 80% water so it takes time to turn them into raisins. The weather needs to be hot and dry. This takes 3 to 4 days, turning them frequently.

google search: how much water is in the human body?

answer: while the average percentage of water in a person's body is around 60%, the percentage can vary from roughly 45–75%.

jesus christ dried then rose again on the 3rd day.

therefore...

jesus christ is a raisin.

p.s. this means jesus christ started out as a grape then became a raisin.

[thoughtsboutlife]

not me just realizing how replaceable i am

[thoughtsboutlife]

it's scary territory when you feel yourself slowly not giving a fuck about anything but wanting to do something about it - but at the same time, not having the motivation to do it so you're just aware of yourself withering away.

[thoughtsboutlife]

my body is simply a canvas that cannot wait to be improved with art

[thoughtsboutlife]

disconnected; not by blood but by heart

[thoughtsboutlife]

Real Talk: I think I'm in the anger stage of grief.

Nobody close to me has died or anything but I'm angry all the time. I feel angry all time. This entire week I've been angry.

Good things are happening to me but I'm not feeling as happy as I should feel about it.

If I'm not angry, I'm frustrated that I'm feeling angry.

Then, my body temperature rises which makes me uncomfortable because it's my skin and I want to tear it off.

I'm trying to flip the switch and find the positive side of things but there's a negative voice in my head that just won't shut up about all the bad things. I'll be trying to daydream and go on autopilot at work but nope!

It's literally so annoying at this point. Like bro, stfu already. Music makes it just sing along so it isn't that bad but it has to be my music and what song I feel like playing right then.

I'm also trying not to let it out on others cause as annoying as some people are, I refuse to raise my voice at them.

I refuse to raise my voice and/or hand with intent to hurt someone.

If I say something or do something I shouldn't have, then I will apologize and make amends. I'll will never claim that it never happened or what I said never hurt their feelings.

I'm better than that. I'm better than him. I will show my mother, older sister, and younger brother that men can be good, trustworthy, and loving. I will be the change. I'm breaking the cycle.

[thoughtsboutlife]

honestly thought putting thoughts into words would be easy. I was sorely mistaken.

[thoughtsboutlife]

talking to you makes my guts twist and it is not at all pleasant

[thoughtsboutlife]

High at a friend's party and in the corner vibing with the dog

[thoughtsboutlife]

Update: posting the day after

More people showed up, along with the bday boy! His bday is on Valentine's day but since he's not a fan of both holidays, we decided to throw him an anti valentines bday party with party decorations bought from Spencers so you can guess how it looked haha. It was so fun!

---

The host, Dee, and the bday boy, Jay, work together (also former coworkers of mine). They invited a cute guy who've they seen around their work and he ended up showing up - we'll call him Leo.

Apparently, Leo was a stoner, as am I. We were the only ones there who really smoked.

I took a seat on the couch with the bday boy talking about his newest guy crushes and who he's been talking to on grindr and such. Then we took a picture and then he got up to go drink.

Leo takes this chance to sit next to me and smoke together. He was showing me how his bong(? i dunno what its called) worked. It was shaped like a triangular beaker, i guess. With a green neon led light, it was really cool.

But litty, we were having a good time, vibing.

He left after a minute, im not much of a conversationalist so i wasn't really talking to him.

Dee and Jay comes over and corners me on the couch like "you biiiitch, back off", joking ofc... I wouldn't do that to my friends, also they said he was straight so I was rooting for Dee!!

Talked for a bit then we all decided to play UNO with shots or taking a hit.

I, surprisingly, won the both rounds that we played without taking a shot or a hit!

---

Originally, I had planned to stay at least 11pm but the bday boy convinced me to stay a bit longer. As well, as my jacket disappearing.

I was high, hungry, and cold. The discomfort I was in was not it.

I got up from the UNO table with shaky legs (my balance was all off) and went to the food table munch on some pizza and get Jays attention to get him to look for my jacket.

I last had it on the couch but it completely disappeared. And I felt stupid looking for it, the anxiety of having people stare at me was a little too much, so I asked Jay to find it and he did!

UNDERNEATH THE COUCH.

I don't know how that happened but I had my jacket back! I immediately threw it on along with the hood. The comfort was amazing.

I got my uber, said my goodbyes quickly, almost fell asleep in my uber, then arrived home and passed out on the floor after taking my shoes off :)

I had a good time though!! Definitely have to do it again!

[thoughtsboutlife]

Trying really hard to be "normal"

Its lowkey getting exhausting and i just wanna go home

[thoughtsboutlife]

High at a friend's party and in the corner vibing with the dog

[thoughtsboutlife]

i believe that the most beautiful thing humans are capable of is the ability to change. to grow. to adapt and work with what life has gave them. i think it's so fascinating

[thoughtsboutlife]

somtimes you just gotta *deep inhale and exhale* let that shit go