Wishful Thinking

Thoughts of a soulless being

[iwantasecretgarden]

Things I Didn’t Know Were Symptoms of C-PTSD

Getting overwhelmed in crowds

Getting upset or angry at a loud alarm

Ordinary nightmares (that have nothing to do with the circumstances, just stupid nightmares much more often than the average person)

Getting sharp pains in your back/neck/collarbones that make it hard to breathe (due to hypervigilance/constant high anxiety)

Learning that “high anxiety” does not mean “generalized anxiety” like other people have with panic attacks and not feeling that they can accomplish thing. PTSD anxiety just means this frenetic energy that makes you want to talk/think/do things (even as an introvert) to avoid stopping.

Feeling constantly bored like you have to chase after something, even if you’re just at home: I spend hours on tumblr, pinterest, watching tv, reading books, making art, never just laying there alone…because if you stop…the darkness is there

Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you’re trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.

Trouble falling asleep (which is distinct from insomnia) because turning off electronics etc. doesn’t help since your heartrate/fight or flight response is engaged

Periods of racing heart (mine has gotten to 120bpm for five hours) that make you feel like you’re waiting for something to happen

Exaggerated startle response. When I was a kid I used to hide behind corners to surprise my sisters. Two years ago my friend hid under my desk to scare me. I literally screamed, fell out of the chair, and started crying. She was laughing because she thought the joke went well, and then got concerned because I kept crying.

Purposefully “tanking” a bad day with sad music/tv/movies/books because it “was already ruined anyway”

[thriving-em]

sorry

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

I can feel it. This is my final straw to my useless life. If I can't get passed this, it's done for. The thing is I'm not even surprised. I knew this would come, I'm not strong enough or good enough to live this life. The only thing I'm sad about is that I was too dumb to hope that maybe this could get better.

Excerpts from a book I'll never write #13 // exhausted of fighting, now I'm finally giving in - S.Gsp

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

Why are you doing this to yourself? You're so close to freedom but you choose to stop caring. You know if you stop caring, the end is much more closer than you want it to be, don't you? What if, that's what I'm waiting for? No, you're sabotaging your own happiness! Why are you doing this? I don't know. I can't help it. The less I care, the less I hurt.

Excerpts of a book I'll never write #12 // Battles with my mind - S.Gsp

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

As hopeful as a mind can be, it can still fade

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #11// hope, where are you? - S.Gsp

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

Clean. Make everything spotless. Take a shower. Get ready. Put on black leggings and the long blue/black checkered shirt, you don’t need socks. You don’t need shoes. Fold your clothes, put them in your dresser. Spotless. Change your bedsheets. Put the used into the washer. Get ready. Brush your wet hair. You don’t need to dry it, or put it up, just brush it. Get rid of anything that might be painful, like memories that might hint at something in your past. They don’t need to know. Burn them, trash them. Pack up stuff that needs returning. Did you write what you needed to, to them? Good Is it time yet? Are they gone yet? Yes? Okay. Empty it. All of it. Got your last energy drink? Good. Down it. Lay down. The shaking will stop soon. It won’t be long now, baby. You can finally rest.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #10// recipe - S.Gsp

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

Urges. The prickling in my skin. The vision of a deep wound, never to have a chance to heal. Burning through my veins, pumping to be let out. Urges. Smoke filing my lungs with disease. Trying to fill a void that cannot be filled. What's it gonna be, babe? Slow or fast?

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #9 // Deadly Urges - S.Gsp

[ptsd-queer]

things nt's need to stop joking about:

• triggers • trauma • flashbacks • PTSD/C-PTSD/BPD • just stop pls

[nightowlswiftie]

[nightowlswiftie]

Hope can disappear - Hope can disappear// Updated (on Wattpad) http://my.w.tt/UiNb/eGl7GrbVbz “Dear whoever cares, I want to tell you a lot of things… Things you would have probably never have guessed. And I want you to be ready to hear what I’m about to say. This isn’t a fairytale come true, this isn’t about finding love, this is about the other side. The other side where happiness is just pretend and keeping you away from demons is our goal. But it’s time for me to break that innocence. I need to tell you about it and I hope you care enough to listen… And I hope it answers questions you’ve asked of me before. I hope it makes you think before you make a decision. I hope I don’t ruin you. I hope you won’t be mad. In the end I just hope for you. And I’m sorry I had to do it this way. - S… ” What do you do when you try your best to get by but you end up in that big hole you dug up and can’t get out of it? Yeah, you hope. Hope for something good to actually happen. But how long can you keep on hoping until it disappears? ______________________________________ Authors Note: Hello readers! I hope I at least have one by the time I try finishing this. I’m trying to get myself into something I can focus on and I love writing and just wanted to try. I make a lot of mistakes when it comes to spelling or putting a sentence into a understandable one, and if I do or don’t, tell me - I would really appreciate it! And I hope you would want to give some feedbacks or random comments and vote if you like it. I hope you do. Have a great day/night! :) -S

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

Love me. I need someone to show me that I am lovable so I can love myself.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #8 // Am I lovable? - S.Gsp

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

I looked at him and could already feel my walls going up and my skin, crawling. “Do you self harm?”. I hesitated and looked up to my doctor “Yes.” “Where?” He asked, already looking for the signs “My right arm and my thighs”, I said looking down. I can already feel the uncomfortable itch. “Can I see?”, he’s already closer to me and I agreed because I didn’t feel like there was a choice. So I pulled my sleeves up and I could see it in his face, “It’s not deep here..” I hastily said. I didn’t want him to think I was seeking attention. “Yeah, scratches” and he went back to his computer to write down something. I felt like a failure. I can’t even hurt myself deep enough. What the hell is wrong with me? “Why do you do it?” He asked suddenly, disturbing me from my internal battle. “To find some control”. As soon as I said it, I felt defeated.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #7 // Defeat at the ugliest. – S.Gsp

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

I'm telling you. I can't do this anymore. I want to be better but living and breathing the same air as you is killing me. I don't want to be sucked into a new black hole that isn't mine to deal with. I'm sorry, I need to deal with my shit first but you won't let me. I don't know what you want from me

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #6 // Let Me Breathe - S.Gsp

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

Hold me. God please, just hold me and let me break down without it effecting anything between us or me and the world. I just want to stop and let it out. I don’t know what I’m letting out but just let me do it but hold me so I can put all the pieces back together when I’m done.

Excerpts from a book I’ll never write #5 // Help me. S.Gsp

[bleed-in-ink-deactivated2017052]

Constantly torn between “if I show symptoms I’m real and valid” and “I can’t show any symptoms because then I’ll be a bother so I have to internalize everything.”

[sothatstherealnews]

Dont forget “if I can control my symptoms are they still valid”

[sarcasticsabreur]

And “if I show symptoms I’m manipulating the people around me”

[spicypansexual]

Also “if I don’t show symptoms at any given moment I’m lying about having a mental illness and everything is an overreaction”

[grifalinas]

Also “are these really symptoms or am I just exaggerating regular nt levels of things’

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

Everyday Thoughts 😭

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

I think for the first time in a long while, I am able to breathe again. Like my lungs can finally feel and breathe the fresh air. “Check, check and check” I said to myself, it seems I’ve got everything “Where are you going?” I look up to the voice and see my brother “I’m finally in control so I’m going to drive and never look back. Bye.” I close my eyes and I tell myself, don’t wake up. Don’t let this be a dream. It’s too good to be true. “Wake up!”, I open my eyes. The fresh air is long gone and just like that I have no control over my life again.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #4 // When you have control but actually not at all. - S.Gsp

[thoughtsofasoullessbeing]

"My curtains are closed to keep away the light of the outside. I want to be alone. I want to be in this black hole and never be touched or talked to. But I can hear the footsteps of my dear sweet mother as she makes her way around the house to my bedroom door. "Hey, can you do this for me? Your brother won't do anything. Come on, get up and do this. What am I gonna do with you all kids, I wish I stayed in my home country", her question starts out sweet and non demanding but just two seconds after I can't hear the end of it. "Mom, I just want to be alone. Please just stop opening my door without knocking and just leave me alone. I'm not okay, just give me space" but I don't say it even if I'm depressed, I don't say it because it's not respectful. I don't get a say.

– Excerpt from a book I'll never write #3 // no say in any matter, even if it is to help me. - S.Gsp

[finnunu]

If you’re unaware- if anyone follows you with MAP in their description, block and report them especially if you’re a minor- this stands for Minor Attracted Person and is basically a cover term for pedophillia