Klaus: another story I heard about myself. this one happened in high school
Klaus: there was this teacher from our high school whose son went to our high school
Klaus: his name was Reginald Hargreeves, and his son Luther Hargreeves went to our high school and he was a sophomore, when I was a senior so he was 2 years behind me
Klaus: now Hargreeves, was an asshole
Klaus: and one day he and Grace decided to leave town, which you should never do if you’re an asshole
Klaus: and Luther Hargreeves decided to throw a party at the Hargreeves mansion. Hooraaay!
Klaus: and everyone around town heard about it and got up individually and thought “ok, let’s go over there and destroy the place”
Klaus: I walked into this party, everyone I had ever met was there and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. People were drinking like it was the apocalypse and the Handler was coming to saw their legs off.
Klaus: I walked into the basement, they had a pool table in the basement, one kid (Diego) threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half.
Klaus: Another kid (Allison) found out which room was Reginald’s and went upstairs and took a shit on his journal.
Klaus: So the party’s going great. I’m in the basement and I’m holding a red cup (you’ve seen in movies) and I’m standing there and I’m holding a red cup, and I’m starting to black out. And all of a sudden I hear Vanya say “something something police”
Klaus: and in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled “FUCK DA POLICE! FUCK DA POLICE!” and everyone else joined in.
Klaus: a hundred drunk, white children yelling fuck DA police. With the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and arent afraid of it anymore, like I SERVED MY NICKEL YOU COME AND TAKE ME confidence. But white children.
Klaus: it turns out the reason that Vanya said “Something something police” was because the police were there!
Klaus: and Officer Eudora Patch looks over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling fuck the police in her face! And she was almost impressed! She was like woooow…. and she leaned into her walkie talkie and went GET THE PATTYWAGON!
Klaus: and my sister Allison, who is now a mother, this woman now has a baby, she grabbed a forty, smashed it on the ground and yelled SCATTER!!!
Klaus: and then we all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Ratatouille where the humans come into the kitchen and all the rats run in different directions.
Klaus: Like I ran into the laundry room and climbed out of a window and into the yard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought “I’ve never climbed a fence that high before!” And then I woke up at home.
Klaus: on monday… I went to school, because that’s what we did back then.
Klaus: I walk into school and who do I see but Luther Hargreeves. And he was like “Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?”
Klaus: and I said no. You know, like a liar.
Klaus: and he said “Things got really out of hand… someone broke the pool table…… someone took a shit on my dad’s journal………… but the worst thing is, the worst thing is someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother, and my parents are freaking out about it……………………….
Klaus: and I had that thought, that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have.
Klaus: I figured no… I wouldn’t have done that. But I was never sure.
Klaus: until, two years later! (Relax.)
Klaus: I’m playing video games with this kid named Five who also went to our high school, we’re playing video games for a few hours and then he says to me “hey c'mere, I wanna show you something.”
Klaus: and then he takes me to his bedroom, then he takes me to a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have.
Klaus: and then he shows me a tiny room, that’s covered wall to wall in old antique photos from different parties over the years.
Klaus: and I said why???? Why do you do this????????
Klaus: and he said “BECAUSE IT’S THE ONE THING YOU CAN’T REPLACE.”
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