when it comes to my like lesbianism i think i have a lot of i guess internalized transphobia about it cause, when i feel good i'm a women making relationship with other women cause they're like the best people i've ever met, i know some dudes who are ok but i don't really like them like i do the women in my life, but when I'm i guess in the dumps i feel like or at least feel the specter of the misogynistic men i've met through my life and that it'll end up like them and hurt all the girls i know and they deserve better than that.
i understand where you're coming from. this is something that many, many trans women struggle with, especially when they're younger or have recently come out.
now, i need you to pay very close attention to what I'm about to say, because it's essential knowledge if you want to be happy as a transgender woman. ready?
THAT SHIT IS POISON!!!!!! IT WILL KILL YOU!!!!!!
you are not a man. you are not responsible for anything any man in your life — in all of history! — has ever done. anyone who tries to make you think or feel otherwise is not someone who has your best interests at heart. they are greatly misguided at best, and actively dangerous at worst.
everyone is capable of harm. the problem with men is not that they have an inherently greater capacity for harm. the problem is that society is structured so that they can get away with the harm they do.
you are a trans woman. society is not structured so that you can get away with anything. you do not move through society as a man. not even if you are closeted. your subjectivity is a woman's subjectivity, and the mechanisms that regulate your movement through society are those of misogyny. the doubt and self-hatred you feel, the idea that you're somehow unclean, undeserving, that your existence needs to be justified, that you are inherently dangerous: that's internalized transmisogyny.
does this mean that you can do no wrong? no. as i said, everyone has the capacity for harm. what it does mean is that if you ever hurt someone, you will be a woman who has hurt someone. not a man.
which brings us to my final point. why is it so dangerous for you to believe that you are more capable of harm than other women, that you must somehow "prove" your innocence?
because it makes you easy to manipulate.
if other people (particularly cis women and transmascs) realize that you are eager to demonstrate your status as a "true", "safe" woman, they will walk all over you — because if you push back, they can simply accuse you of acting like a man. after all, women are supposed to be gentle and demure, right? and if that doesn't put you in your place, they will start talking behind your back, saying you're scary, entitled, clearly not a real woman after all. and people will turn their backs on you. it happened to me, it happened to a million other girls.
i don't mean to scare you. there's plenty of good people out there, but you gotta know the rules of the game. also, check out the concept of transfeminized debt, and read whipping girl by julia serano if you want. I love you!