Decide 10: A Relationship Tool I Found to be Helpful
A lot of internet advice says ādonāt do things you donāt want to doā or āyou donāt owe anyone anything.ā Technically true, but real relationships are more complicated. Sometimes youāre tired but still willing, sometimes youāre excited, and sometimes youāre justā¦ meh.
Thatās why I love the Decide 10 system (from Prototype Thinking on Medium). It makes compromise clearer and more balanced. I saw this talked about on Instagram and looked it up.
Hereās how it works when it comes to activities (I used a different method for an emotional need, which I talk about in example 3).
Each person rates from 1ā10 how much they want to do something.
You both reveal your numbers.
If the total is 10 or higher, you do it. If itās lower, you renegotiate, postpone, or skip it.
Example 1:
This is often used to decide whether to do a specific activity, but it can also be used to decide between two. Youāre deciding between Taco Bell and Burger King for dinner.
Your partner rates Taco Bell 5, Burger King 8.
You rate Taco Bell 7, Burger King 4.
Both hit the 10 threshold, so either works but you can see Burger King matters more to them than Taco Bell matters to you. So maybe a compromise is you go to Burger King that night and Taco Bell another.
Example 2: Compromise in Action
Letās say someone rates something a 9 and youāre only a 3. The math adds up to 12, but beyond the numbers, it shows this thing is really important to them. In a close relationship, you might decide to stretch for them. Not because you owe it, but because you care. And often, theyāll stretch for you too.
The opposite can be true as well. Maybe you say something is a 1, but they rate it an 8. Seeing your low number might help them realize, āThis isnāt worth draining you for. I can let it go this time.ā Thatās care, too.
Example 3: An Emotional Need
Today I was feeling sad. I told my friend I was a 6 on the āsad scaleā and asked what her capacity was for calling. I clarified it wasnāt emergent. I was just sad.
She told me she was at about a 4 on capacity. She was tired and normally wouldnāt call tonight, but since I was at a 6, she wanted to support me. We agreed sheād call in two hours when she had privacy. She added that if Iād said it was emergent, she would have called right away, privacy or not.
That was me applying the concept in a different way. It was honesty about where weāre both at, balanced with flexibility.
The original Decide 10 article talks about adding numbers together for activities. With emotional needs, it worked a bit differently for me. My ā6ā was about how much support I needed, while my friendās "4" was about her capacity to give support. Instead of adding the numbers, we compared them and found a compromise. She couldnāt call immediately, but she could call in two hours.
Thatās the point of the scale. It is not rigid math, itās a framework for honest communication.
Why this helps (especially if you have BPD):
No mind-reading. You donāt have to guess how much they care.
Saying āIām a 3 on thisā communicates low capacity without it sounding like rejection.
You can see when one person feels strongly and the other doesnāt. This makes compromise less painful.
It balances give-and-take instead of one person always āwinning.ā
Use it for everyday decisions and non-emergency emotional check-ins. Donāt force it in crisis moments.
Numbers can change. A ā2ā today might be a ā7ā tomorrow.
The point isnāt the math. It's the honesty and balance it creates.
This is just one tool, but I think itās a great way to practice boundaries, compromise, and clarity. Things that can be especially tricky when you live with BPD.
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