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38 weeks- It’s raining babies

This weekend I was fortunate enough to have a Blessingway held for me. A Mother Blessing is a healing ceremony rooted in Navajo (Native American) tradition which celebrates a women’s rite of passage into Motherhood.  Unlike a traditional baby shower, where the focus is on the baby, a Mother Blessing is all about nurturing the mother-to-be and celebrating motherhood.

In the presence of the most important women in my life (a few of which in spirit) we sat in a circle and began by honouring our maternal line- stating our name, our mother’s name, our grandmothers name and as far back as we were knowledgable. 

The few Mother’s we had among us shared their birth stories and the maidens (not yet mothers) shared the stories of their own births. I then had Henna done on my baby bump by Elisha Wheeler-Osman- Beauty Therapist and Henna Artist @ www.violetsbeauty.uk whilst the guests wrote messages of encouragement and empowerment for me on notes which they hung on a small tree. 

After this we all took part in a couple of ceremonial activities.The first was the cord ceremony where a single piece of red cord was used to bind everyone’s wrists whilst a Blessing was made on my journey into Motherhood. The cord was then cut and tied as a symbol of unity, forming individual bracelets which everyone will wear until they hear that the birth of my baby is underway. 

Each guest also brought a bead which I later made into a necklace to wear or hold during labour. This was really special to me as it’s a physical reminder of  the support and loving presence of my friends and family to have with me which I can imagine will be very empowering during birth. 

We then came together to share in a delicious buffet and gifts for both me and baby were given. I gave each guest a small white candle to light when I go into labour, which will stay lit until they hear the baby has been safely delivered. 

I’m so grateful to have had this experience arranged for me. It was a beautiful way to honour and nurture a mother to be before the impending birth of her baby. It was a completely healing and loving special time for me which has made me have a bigger awareness of this expansive maiden to mother transition I am going through. And just how important it is to nurture our mothers more than ever! 

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Week 35- Hypnosis, Canine antenatal classes and the reason why the Earth isn’t flat

In my last blog I mentioned I was going to be talking about Hypnobirthing. Hypnobirthing is simply put, the use of hypnotherapy in childbirth. It teaches you how to take control of your birth rather than blindly turning your birthing experience over to your doctor of midwife. It is natural/drug free pain relief which uses hypnosis, relaxation and breathing techniques to aid you to experience a calmer, less painful birth. Personally I’d really like to be as present as possible when bringing my baby into the world so I would prefer to have a drug free birth. Although I’m open to using gas and air if I feel like I need it. Entonox is the only medical pain relief available for a home birth. I’ve been reading the book ‘Secrets of Confident Childbirth’ by Vanessa Turner, Jackie Fletcher and Janay Alexander and listening to their relaxation audios daily to help me prepare for the birth. I have learnt so much from the book already; it’s reassured me that my body is completely capable of birthing my baby the same way that it has grown and nurtured her throughout my pregnancy. Although you may think being in a state of hypnosis, you are being controlled by someone that is definitely not the case. We learn two different ways, one is by repetition and the other is when we are in a focused state of awareness, and that’s what hypnosis is. A state of relaxation that you let yourself enter and you remain in complete control. The audios I’ve been listening to daily are really beneficial, and I can definitely notice an increase in the time it takes me to fall into complete relaxation now than a few weeks ago. 

Why is birth only painful for humans? If you've ever seen a dog or cat or animal in the wild giving birth you’d may notice that they seek out a quiet undisturbed location and usually show no dramatic displays of discomfort. I don’t know about you but I am not aware of any canine antenatal classes!  Most women are lead to believe that birthing a baby involves hours (sometimes days) of painful work. It is something to just "get through" and rarely an event that women look forward to. Honestly labour and birth isn’t something I ever thought about before I realised I was going to experience it so I’m incredibly grateful I’ve been introduced to Hypnobirthing as without that I think I would be projecting a lot of fear around what I’m going to experience. We listen to other’s birth stories, watch "One born every minute” on television, hear of cesarean rates and the ease of epidurals and completely lose the faith in ourselves therefore losing our ability to do the task for which our bodies were supernaturally designed. When a woman repeatedly absorbs the idea that giving birth is very painful and must be medically managed, it becomes true. For a long time we believed the earth was flat—but that wasn’t true, just one person’s belief projected onto others. So I’m reclaiming (on behalf of other women) my faith and belief in my body to do what it’s designed to do and bring my baby into the world in the most natural and calm way possible. 

I’m fully aware that sometimes complications arise and how fortunate we are to have the medical care that saves lives readily available and if the need for medical intervention was advised of course I would accept; However I’m merely putting this out there and attracting the positive labour and birth experience that I would like. Law of attraction baby...this stuff works. 

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31 weeks - It’ll all be alright on the night

With just 9 weeks to go before my due date, things are moving fast and nothing is staying the same for long. Things are going fantastically one minute then falling apart the next. Moving into my new home went well and I’m so happy to make the space my own. I managed to quickly manifest some free furniture and some fairly affordable white goods to get me started. Friends have been great with offering to help pick up and drop things off and heavy lifting. There were a few occasions where people let me down which seemed like the worst thing at the time but others stepped in to help at the last minute and it all worked out in the end which I’m extremely grateful for.

The baby is moving lots especially in the night; dancing on my bladder…I’m up and down like a yo-yo every few hours, but this doesn’t bother me too much as I know she’s getting me prepared for the night feeds.

I feel as if my life is mirroring the transition stage in labour right now. After having no hot water for a week in my new place, I just lost my job as the business wasn’t making enough money to employ all the staff. Then I found out all the paperwork I’d completed and asked my employer to fill in for my maternity pay needs to come from my previous employer so it has to be done over again. At 31 weeks, there’s not a great chance of finding a work. Luckily because I’m pregnant there’s a benefit I can get because I’m nearing my due date, however it’s barely enough to live on. So last week I was totally freaking out about my financial situation and how I was going to survive. I felt better after a good cry, well lots of good cries and my intuitive knowing that everything will be okay….just can’t go on a shopping spree anytime soon!

I’ve been really tearful recently and I’ve been getting even more upset about the affect it would have on my baby as I’m aware that she can feel and pick up on my emotions to a certain extent. Scientists say they were surprised how strongly a developing fetus can sense the psychological state of a mother to be. “We believe that the human fetus is an active participant in it’s own development and is collecting information for life after birth, it’s preparing for life based on the message the mum is providing.”

Talk about pressure to stay in a little ray of happy sunshine for 9 months! I want the best for my daughter but with the pressures of modern life and how we’re made up as human beings, we’re just not programmed to stay content all the time. Crying is one of the body’s natural ways of releasing tension, toxicity and negative feelings. It’s a lot healthier for you to release regularly than it is to bottle up. So I guess in a way I’m teaching her that.

I’m learning to not feel any guilt around how I’m feeling at certain times. We’re human. Nothing is constant as I’m currently experiencing. I’m allowed to feel happy and sad and change and grow and make mistakes.

Off to enjoy half an hour of a hypnobirthing audio which I know is very good for me and baby, it’s all about a healthy balance...More on this next time.

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28 Weeks- Moving in And Moving On

Size of baby- Aubergine 

I never really do anything by halves. Perhaps that’s why my life has tipped from being generally quiet with not much going on to completely hectic in the last week.

The first week of my new job at the Vegan Café has gone well. I surprisingly feel comfortable and almost as if I fit in there- which is a rarity if you’re an Indigo Child like me. So I’m basking in this and enjoying every moment until I go on maternity leave. Even if I am totally awful at frothing milk on the coffee machine and cover the counter in Oat Milk several times a day…working on that, any tips appreciated from any Baristas out there.

On Friday I went to view and got the keys to my first flat!! So exciting! I really wasn’t expecting to get a place of my own this quickly and in such a nice area – I’m truly blessed. I’ve started to move things in with the help of family and friends. I can’t quite believe how quick and easy the whole process was, I’m really over the moon. I guess the positive outlook from the beginning when I first bided on the property paid off, as I manifested my needs with ease, gifting myself with a sun filled, spacious home for me and my baby.  

However not everything has been rosy. Along with still nursing the fragile hurt of my broken heart (was starting to wonder if I’d ever get over it….but I trust that time heals and the universe is giving me tons of other good stuff, all of which I’m deserving of) I’ve also been struggling with how to deal with other people’s reactions to some choices that I’m making.

At my last antenatal appointment my midwife looked at me like I was completely stupid when I told her I didn’t want to vaccinate my baby. My gut instinct when it comes to immunisation is that it can’t be good for you and I am certainly one to listen to my intuitive knowing. However I have done my practical research into Vaccines to find out about the potentially harmful ingredients that make them up and the immediate and delayed effects they can have on our health. My research affirms my initial feeling.

The pharmaceutical companies have not tested vaccines in the same way they have any other prescription drug on the market in order to hide the facts from medical professionals who administer our children the vaccines honestly believing they’re safe. Which is why we can’t really blame the doctors and nurses who are just reading from what they think is accurate data when the scheme is actually money making for the big pharmaceutical companies.

Since the Midwife telling me to go away and do some more research, I have. I’ve watched the documentary ‘Vaxxed’ which I highly recommend to anybody sitting on the fence and wants to find out more about Vaccines. I’m aware that retaining and relaying factual and statistical information to medical professionals and normal people in order to fight my corner so as not to be seen as ‘a young mum who is making uninformed choices and putting her child at risk’ is not my strong point. My brain’s filled with to do lists remember, not stats. But my point is, how many times have you questioned a drug the doctor has recommended you and then opted for a homeopathic remedy instead? Or maybe you haven’t, but why do we not think to question what goes into the drugs and vaccines we are given instead thinking ‘they’re doctors they must know best.’

Disclaimer- I believe in free choice and respect you no matter what your decision regarding vaccinations is. So I kindly ask you to respect my choices too.

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26 weeks- Pregnancy glow my ass

Size of baby- measures about 14 inches (haven’t actually measured her, I googled it)

So crazy to think that in just 3 months’ time a little baby will be here;  even weirder to think that this time next year I’ll be celebrating my first mother’s day…

I was reading an article detailing Kate Middleton’s speech on motherhood as she attended the launch of the Out of the Blue film series last week.  She said- "This collection of films highlights how vital it is to be open about our mental health especially in the early years of parenthood. Personally, becoming a mother has been such a rewarding and wonderful experience. However, at times it has also been a huge challenge - even for me who has support at home that most mothers do not. Nothing can really prepare you for you the sheer overwhelming experience of what it means to become a mother. It is full of complex emotions of joy, exhaustion, love, and worry, all mixed together. Your fundamental identity changes overnight. You go from thinking of yourself as primarily an individual, to suddenly being a mother, first and foremost."

Link to article

I think she’s right about the importance of new mothers mental health and how these issues shouldn’t be swept under the rug for the benefit of the mother and child. From what I can imagine, she’s totally right in the part where she states ‘Nothing can really prepare you for becoming a mother’ but I won’t let that scare me for fear of the unknown. As my pregnancy is progressing I’ve been thinking more and more about when the baby’s here and the responsibility I’ll have. I’ve been asking myself questions- What if she doesn’t sleep? What if she doesn’t latch on? What if I don’t know why she’s crying?  But these are all ‘what ifs’ and concerns that are just crossing my mind as I think about her being here. The truth is I completely and utterly know that I am capable and can do it. I wholly trust in myself and the billions of incredible women who have before me.

You hear about a mother’s natural instincts and that you just know what’s right for your baby. I believe in this and as a very intuitive person I am going to follow my inner guidance on most things. Maybe every decision that I make might not be the conventional one but it will definitely be what’s best for me and baby in the present.

My biggest fear is that in the early months I will be lonely. I don’t have a partner and I have very few friends who live close. My mum and my best friend are incredibly caring and have said they will stay with me and help out as much as possible in the first couple of weeks which I’m extremely grateful for. However I’m currently trying to make connections and attract new friendships in my local area as being surrounded by like-minded loving people makes me feel accepted, loved and part of a community. I don’t think I really have to worry about this as much as I do because I can tell I am going to meet some lovely new people through my new job. I’m going to be working at Gosport’s first Vegan Café. Check it out here! 

Feeling this way isn’t a new thing for me, it’s something that pops up now and again. I love my own company and need time alone however if I have too much time to myself it can quickly go from feeling content in my solitude to feeling lonely. I’m picky about who I spend my time with. Other people’s energy affects our own and as an empath (a person very sensitive to other’s energy) I only want to spend time with people who lift me up and make me feel good- those who are enjoyable to be around. I’m not interested in dramas and gossip. I want to have real conversations about life and beliefs. I want to be taught something new by an interesting person and be able to share my own insights without judgement to a friend who is really listening. I feel like I only have this connection with a couple of people so this is an open public invitation for more lovely souls to enter my life…you’re more than welcome.

On a closing note: Please send healing vibes to the skin on my face; which is not handling double amounts of female hormones very well. Pregnancy glow my ass.

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Week 24- obeying Mr Busy Brain (and then getting free again)

I’ve spent the week intently listening to and obeying every command of my very busy brain. If said brain was a person I would be telling it to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. However in actual fact it’s not a person, it’s attached, inside me and there is no walking away from it. Apparently it’s the boss of me, completely controlling just about everything I do, even when I’m asleep (not bad for something that looks like a big grey wrinkly sponge) So that’s why I’ve decided it’s probably a good idea to address the issue. 

Confession: I am a list writer. I write it all down. To-do lists, to-buy lists, to-go lists, every sort of list you can think of, I have one. I’ve been told in the past that writing everything down is a good way of thinking it over and getting it out of your head. However, I haven’t quite mastered the ‘getting it out of your head’ part. I just automatically make a mental list as well. Completely ridiculous and unnecessary.  This mental list decides to pop up at random times, usually when I’m trying to relax or sleep- how inconvenient. 

What I’m trying to say is, that having a busy head crowded with thoughts, feelings, questions, weekend plans, recipes, shopping lists, household chores and trying to remember to take my pregnancy vitamins daily is just too much- like a whole Indian family and their weekly shopping all balancing on one bicycle. I urgently need to empty it out. And make it a regular thing...I’ll add that to my list. 

Things that help me with this are:

1. Meditation  - I use an app called Calm and do guided or unguided meditations whenever I feel like it. (Must do this more regularly - add to list) 

2. Throwing your laptop and mobile phone out the window and yelling “I’m Free!” at the top of your voice- Feels completely liberating and might make you connect with people face to face for a change. Joking aside, having some time away from technology and social media can work wonders- try it.

3. Connecting with friends and loved ones- Addiction happens where there’s no connection. Meet your friends and family, talk about real things, laugh and have fun together, be there to support one another. 

4. Letting go of the shit- I Write down everything I want to let go of on paper and burn it under the full moon. Full moons are the perfect time for letting whatever is no longer serving you go. 

This month I let go of my heartbreak of a failed relationship, worrying, overthinking, toxic people, fears of the house sale not going through, fear of my brother not recovering, caring how other people perceive me and unhealthy habits. 

Doing this full moon ritual really helps me face what’s been on my mind and clear away any stagnant energy that had been lingering. 

After that, I dusted, hoovered and felt as free as a bird!! Just kidding, but I do feel lighter, my shoulders have dropped and I’m more grounded; so I’m definitely getting there. 

“Never neglect an opportunity for improvement” Sir William Jones 

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23 weeks - the reason for living

The past week I have had the urge to clean and organise everything. We’re moving house very soon and I’ve been spending nearly all my time throwing out/selling/donating anything that I don’t need. I’m trying to minimise my belongings down so I have room for the baby’s things.  Untidiness and clutter are one of my few pet hates and I can function so much better in a clear space.  

Whilst riffling through some old stuff we’d moved down from the loft, I came across my memory box from my childhood; which was overflowing with drawings, photographs and certificates all from when I was little. Within the memory box was another silver box which I’d never seen before. When I opened it I discovered it was a box of all my baby things my mum had kept from when I was born.

She’d kept everything from her antenatal appointment card to the wrist bands we both wore in the hospital. It had all the medical records from when I was born, the x-rays and ultrasound scan reports, my mum’s handwritten birth plan and even her horoscope from the News Paper the day before I was born.

My Mum’s horoscope from the day before I was born-pretty fitting, considering I was born at 00.29

Hospital records

She Magazine dated 1996, Article about Libra Baby and Emma’s Dairy book

My hand and foot prints at 10.5 months

Looking through all of this made me quite teary and emotional knowing how much my mum wanted me after enduring lots of miscarriages for a decade after having my brother. How much effort she made to make sure I was healthy; but most importantly, how she took time to preserve and keep all these memories which have painted a very clear and loving picture of how I came into the world.

 I believe that we chose our parents before we’re born. I’m really glad I chose her and I’m really glad my little girl chose me.

Mother’s Day is coming up in a few weeks. I really don’t think there is any gesture or gift I can buy to show the extent of my love and gratitude to my mum. I’ll write a card which I now know will be safely kept in the memory box with the other 19 mother’s day cards I’ve written for her throughout my life...maybe next year I’ll do the same. 

 I recently heard someone say that her children are her reason for living; actually your mum is your reason for living, after all, she is the one who gave you life.

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Week 21- Hiccups and Offerings

What a week. So much has happened. It feels like ages ago now, but feeling the baby move for the first time was a magical experience. I was in the living room with my mum and sisters one evening when I received a text message from Dan saying “Have you felt anything yet?” and at that exact moment I felt something move in my tummy and then twice more. The only way I can describe the feeling would be like 3 little hiccups inside me. Now I can feel movements every day, like she’s doing tai chi inside me, especially when I’ve just eaten or when I’m laying still in bed. I love it, it’s the most comforting feeling in the world, like mine and the baby’s secret language.

You may have noticed I said ‘she’ up there. Yes, I had my 20 week scan and found out I’m having a warrior princess girl (guessing from the martial arts she’s doing in my tummy).

I was really affected by January’s new moon (28th).  As I spoke about in my previous blogpost, 2017 is a year of new beginnings. The death and rebirth cycle is beginning to be noticed in all of our lives in some way or another, and in the coming weeks leading up to the spring Equinox we are going to be starting to see this re-birth. This is really ringing true in my life where just this week I have ended a relationship and a cleared out all that wasn’t serving me. January’s new moon was in Aquarius and this energy is all about starting fresh and thinking bigger, also about finding new meaning to things and thinking outside of the box. So it’s forced me to view things in a different way and see the other possibilities that there are rather than feeling unwanted, rejected, stuck and emotionally drained.

I’ve taken some time off work to benefit mine and the baby’s mental health, during this short time I’ve witnessed so much good and new stuff unfold in front of me, because I’ve created the space for it to happen. I’ve been really unhappy in my job recently and suddenly, the opportunity to explore a fresh, exciting project, with like-minded people has come up that I am going to love being part of. (More to come on this!)

I’ve also been on the receiving end of an incredible amount of generosity. My Godfather collected some new furniture and a lovely lady I know has given me lots of good quality baby things all manifested in preparation for the baby. I can’t begin to express how abundant and grateful I am for all of this.

So this re-birth is already starting to happen for me and I can envision it unfolding so much more leading up to Ostara (Spring equinox) and throughout 2017. It’s an exciting time to be alive.

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Week 19- 2017, the birthing of new souls and transformations

2017 is a number 1 year. When you look at the year in the context of numerology, you can gain insight into the universal energies at work during 2017.

From a numerological perspective,

 2017, when you add them up: 2 + 0 + 1 + 7 = 10 

and that is distilled down to: 1 + 0 = 1 

2017 will be a universal year one 

A Universal Year means that everyone on the planet will be feeling the same energy related to the particular number that year is. 

 2016 was a 9 Universal Year, which is the end of a cycle—all about completions. Everyone on the Earth just experienced a year where conclusions, letting go, surrender, loss and transformation were key themes- from the huge level of world politics to the smaller level of our unique personal lives. 

However scary it seems, this past 9 Universal Year is going to take us to where we need to be—despite the discomfort we have all experienced. 

Thinking back to 2016 we lost so many artistic souls. 9 also happens to be the life path number of ‘The Artist’ – “Nines are born healers, nurturers and peace loving souls, sensitive to energy and highly tuned with the spiritual dimension. They are naturally artistic and seek out lives of harmony and caring for others.”

 All throughout 2016, we’ve been tying up loose ends, ending projects and making space for the new. It’s been a year in which we’ve been asked to step into the unknown, just like the artist is constantly doing- they never know what they will create and what influence it may have. So now, in 2017 a new generation of babies are being born into this world, entering the earth realm for the first cycle of their human incarnation.

2017 is the year of new beginnings… “THE BIRTH OF INDEPENDENT LEADERS Souls are literally lining up, waiting to be born into human lives over the next twelve months. For just as we saw so many passing in a nine year in 2016, which was the end of a cycle, we will likewise see multitudes desiring to be here for the beginning of a new and fresh energy cycle. Souls that are born in this one year will usher in a new era of energy responsibility for the planet. They will have their greatest impact on our future Earth when they reach their 30’s, from the year 2047 onwards…”  https://elizabethperu.com/ 

Characteristics of babies born in 2017:

 They will be headstrong and know what they want.

  They will see straight through lies and be ardent truth bringers.

 They will be excellent communicators and display impeccability in their interactions.

They will be master manifestors, experiencing near instant transformation of thought to form.

They will be natural born leaders, who do not display neediness.

They will be naturally connected to spirit and be catalysts for others to connect within.

 They will be focused on equality in all of its forms and be role models for this.

        They will move away from old Earthly systems and create independent paths.

    They will transform relationships, by placing all importance on mutual respect and friendship.

As these new babies will be born into new bodies, human souls are going to be actively re-birthing themselves into a new, more independent form. In 2017 we are going to see an abundance of adults transforming, breaking away from their self and the restrictions imposed by society, moulding themselves into the role model of a new, spiritually empowered generation.

Exciting stuff! 

Bibliography

https://elizabethperu.com/

http://numerology.astrologyclub.org/

http://astrostyle.com/

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Week 18- Chocolate, the blues and complete madness

Size of baby – Artichoke

I am starting to wonder if there is a dangerous limit of the amount of chocolate you can consume daily. I’m currently eating a big bar per day; it’s become like a necessity. But it’s all about balance though, right? So the fact that I went for a run this morning makes the big bar of chocolate that I demolished as soon as I got through the door totally ok. I’ll keep telling myself that.

Looking back to the early weeks, before I started writing this blog, I think I was experiencing a bit of prenatal depression. I’ve been feeling a million times better as of late (probably something to do with all the serotonin from the chocolate!) But it is something I want to talk about because it’s important for expectant mums to know that it’s normal and nothing to be ashamed about. The initial shock of finding out I was pregnant, coincided with not knowing who the father was, telling my family, their reactions and constant worrying about how I was going to deal with all of this lead to feeling really down. I lost my appetite and just wanted to stay in bed all the time. I felt guilty for feeling this way because I was having a baby, I should be happy right? Most cases of prenatal depression go undiagnosed because of the women’s fear that it’s wrong to experience negative feelings during pregnancy. But it really is ok to feel like this. After I came to terms with this, and accepted how I felt, things around me started to get better. I felt relieved, less uptight and more accepted. When the physical triggers lifted and I stopped feeling sick and tired I felt even better too now things are going well. I feel more confident in myself, supported by my loved ones, more organised with finances etc, more motivated to work on new projects and I’m experiencing new exciting relationships unfold.

I have a question. Is 6 weeks old, too early for baby’s first music festival? The Thing is, Madness are headlining Victorious Festival this August and baby Daddy loves Madness, in fact, baby was probably conceived to Baggy Trousers. (TMI) So, I might as well take baby to Madness concert so it can reminisce back to the days of being a sperm.

Also, Good music taste is very near the top of the ‘important things mum wants for child’ list. So….I’d like to go but who knows, fast forward to August I will probably be doing front crawl through a pile of sicky washing with baby attached to boob in my new house (in the middle of the street).

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Week 17- the listening avocado

Amount of jogs p/w- 3

The baby is the size of an avocado and can hear what’s going on outside my womb. I might have to cut down on the swearing. I talk to the baby sometimes to remind it how wanted and loved it is but it’s really easy to forget that it’s there at this stage. It’s an unusual place between the sickness and tiredness stopping and actually looking pregnant or feeling the baby move. I’m excited to feel some movement soon to reassure me that the avocado inside me is in actual fact a small human and not this morning’s breakfast.

I’ve been thinking about what I wrote in my previous post about my birth plans and how I’d like everything to be and I’ve come to realise that I don’t really have a lot of control over how it happens. How many times have you made a plan and after all the preparation and hard work to put everything in place it often turns out completely different than you expected. More often than not; sometimes this can be frustrating and sometimes it turns out better. Sometimes the universe has a much greater plan for you. So what I’m trying to say is that although I have an idea of how I’d like the birth and my child’s upbringing to be, I am completely unattached to the outcome. I might say now I’m not going to put my restless child in front of the tv, instead I’ll interact with him/her and play games to keep them stimulated but 3 years down the line, 20 minutes of tv for my child means a hot relaxing bath for tired mama.  I mean in proportion most things are ok, you just need to know and respect your own boundaries.

It’s funny how many people try to give you advice and think that they’re helping. I mean, in lots of cases they are and I really value and appreciate their advice, because there are so many things I have to learn. I’m seriously wondering if they day will ever come where I don’t have at least 5 questions to ask my mum. Mum’s are the personified version of Google with feelings and sometimes biased opinions but most definitely the most valued.  I totally can’t be dealing with people telling me negative things like horror birth stories ‘and the baby came out upside-down back to front with a foot attached to it’s head, oh and it was Asian with black parents!”….thanks I really wanted to know that and attract it into my life…not. Sometimes I just have to kindly say that I’m not interested and would rather talk about positive things. Really though, you just have to trust in yourself that somewhere deep inside you know what to do and what’s best for you and your baby even if on the outside you haven’t got the first clue!

I was doing some window shopping in Albert Road in Southsea last week and went into my favourite crystal shop- Aristia. I asked the shopkeeper’s advice on which crystals can help create a relaxing and peaceful environment for babies to sleep and he gave me a piece of Celestine. He said pastel colours, pink; purples and blues are all good for this and can be placed around the cot to help create the desired environment and energy. So I got the avocado the first of many gifts I will give throughout it’s life.  I’m really excited to find out the gender so I can get some clothes bits too. I’m a really organised person and my life is currently consisting of lists of things I need for the baby, for myself and my apartment when we move.

Celestite Crystal

Side note: What is this pregnancy glow bullshit? I’m looking after myself probably better than I ever have and I am not reaping the benefits. Hurry up hormones.

ALSO : not enjoying baby hairs that have suddenly sprouted and stick up at the front of my hairline like someone has rubbed a balloon on my head- not attractive.

Recommendations for Mum’s to be-

Pregnancy Yoga- I attended my first class this week which was loverlllyy. I’m practising with Lisa Hickingbotam at The Yoga Being in Gosport. The class was really relaxing and pushed me just the right amount considering I’ve been out of practice recently. Lisa adapts the movements to suit your stage of pregnancy and ends the class with a peaceful relaxation. It's a wonderful way to find balance both mentally and physically, whilst meeting new Mum's and babies in a safe and calm environment. I’m so looking forward to going to the mum and baby classes later in the year.

“The Bump” and “MUSH” apps- I came across these pregnancy related apps on the playstore a couple of months ago.

The Bump tracks how far along you are and gives you information on what’s going on inside each week.

MUSH is a great app for finding mum’s to be or mum’s with young children in the area. Both of the apps constantly publish new articles and giving advice about anything and everything you’d like to know from when to take maternity leave to from how to ease itchy skin. 

[unconventional-moi]

Week 15- hot baths, ugly shoes and fresh breath mints

Size of baby- A orange

I’ve been thinking about it and I’d really like to have a drug free home birth. It’s really important to me that I’m fully present when bringing my child into the world; and that I’m in a comfortable environment with a protected, peaceful energy. However, I know there can be complications so I’m going to keep an open mind and go with whatever my body tells me at the time.

I’m learning about all the factors that can make labour easier and beginning to apply them to my lifestyle now so I can make my experience of giving birth as stress free and easy as possible.

1.       Being physically fit

This is my top priority as I probably haven’t been fit since I was in my early teens. I always thought that I was fit and healthy because I am slim but actually that’s just genetic- all of my family are tall and slim. Although I eat a healthy diet, I haven’t been active enough. Exercising more and strengthening my body will help with my hypermobility as the stronger my joints the fewer problems they’ll cause.  I actually really enjoy exercising. I feel good and more energised when I do it. Sometimes you just got to get up and go because although your body’s saying  “I’m so tired, stay in bed”, you actually feel less fatigued if you get out and move.

So… (As much as I hate to say this) I’m jumping on the ‘get fit January’ bandwagon and making some changes.

I’ve started jogging regularly; easing myself into it very gently being careful I don’t overdo it. I’ve even brought running trainers, (Look at that level of commitment) so I don’t cause injury. You have no idea how hard it was for me going into the Adidas shop, wandering around aimlessly like an alien from planet Zara, trying to find a pair of trainers that were aesthetically pleasing but also with enough support and cushioning for jogging.

I might have just called myself the alien but some of these shoes were out of this world…and not in a good way.

I mean seriously!? WTF is that??? 

Disclosure: These are NOT the one’s I brought

Anyway what I’m trying to say is, although going against all style and fashion rules and regulations, I am making a commitment; to improve my fitness, for a healthier future for me and my child-even if it does involve ugly shoes.

 I’m getting really excited about getting back into Yoga classes. I’m starting a 6 week pregnancy yoga course this week. I practice at home but there’s something special about going to a class and breathing and flowing consciously as a group. It creates a really profound energy. And the best bit, Savasana (lying down doing nothing bit) where I lie on my back with a completely empty mind for all of 2 minutes until I start thinking about what I’ll have for breakfast tomorrow or trying desperately not to laugh out loud at the old lady snoring next to me! 

2.       Number 2 is being as relaxed as possible. Practicing yoga will help with this. I’ve been having lots of long hot baths with essential oils and Epsom salts and listening to relaxation and meditation recordings daily. I’ve basically lived in the bath since I’ve been pregnant. There’s something comforting about surrendering completely to the warm water, letting it gently cradle me in its healing hands. It;s like being inside a womb I guess.

So there’s two things that can make childbirth and pregnancy easier and I’m sure I’ll be learning lots more. However what doesn’t is one of your best friends tags you in this meme on Facebook. Fantastic.

I hope that’s not true.

Another is when you receive the fantastic prenatal vitamins you were recommended and have been taking in the post from amazon, open the package and they’ve accidentally sent you fresh breath mints. Great. Hoping that isn’t the universe trying to tell me something.

[unconventional-moi]

Week 14 - Dan, the scan and the plan

Size of baby- a pear

Size of my to do list - never ending...

It’s all starting to feel a little bit real. I had my first ultrasound scan a couple of days after Christmas. It wasn’t how I thought it would be. Dan, (baby Daddy) really wanted to come with me; I was so grumpy and down when we were sitting in the waiting room. The Sonographer called us in for the scan and put the jelly on my belly (and all over my nice purple pants). I thought she was deliberately trying to make me pee myself by the amount of pressure she was forcing on the scanning device onto my very, very full bladder. Which is really uncomfortable but essential to push the uterus up so you can see the baby clearly. She was saying “ Oh look, here’s the baby, here’s it’s arms and legs” and Dan was saying “Oh yeah, aww”. I was laid on the bed thinking it literally just looks like a combination of grainy black and white dots. That was shit. I couldn’t make out my baby which made me feel really disconnected from it and jealous that I couldn’t see what everyone else could. I was already really teary and started crying (which seems to happens quite frequently now- last week I cried because there was no broccoli in the house) But at that moment it all became clear and I saw what Dan and the Sonographer were seeing and then a tiny little hand moved up as if it were waving at me saying “Look Mum I’m here!” 

Dan has been so good. He always checks how I am and is understanding about how I’m feeling emotionally, even if he doesn’t understand it himself. I know he’s finding it really hard to come to terms with the fact that although we’re having a baby together, we’re not a couple and we’re not going to be. He wants us to be a family and in a very unconventional way we will be. A couple of months ago I thought about making it work, but the truth is, although we get along, we are nothing like each other and having completely different perspectives, morals and beliefs. I would be lying to myself, I’d break his heart and most importantly it wouldn’t be fair on the baby. I completely empathise with how difficult this must be for him and I can’t imagine how he feels, knowing that all he wants is for us to be together as a family. It takes a special kind of man to accept all of this and still play a role as a good father, which I have no doubt he will be.

Bits Dan has already brought for the baby (way more prepared than me) 

So I’ve spoken about Dan and about the Scan and there really isn’t much of a plan. I have been feeling really overwhelmed with everything I need to prepare over the next 6 months. It’s crazy how much stuff there is to think about. I have decided to stop worrying about it because (this might come as a shock) it doesn’t help! Focusing on your problems make them grow, so I’m giving all my energy to my blessings, and watching them grow. Action helps- I went to the citizens advice bureau last week and found out about the benefits I will be entitled to and feel a lot more relaxed knowing that I am being cared for.  Although I never thought I would be claiming benefits and definitely don’t want to for a longer than is necessary I’ve come to realise that taking the help that is being offered is the strong thing to do. Being receptive to help in no way undermines my independence but enhances it. It’s ok to be vulnerable, it’s ok to ask for help and it’s ok to cry when there’s no broccoli in the fridge. I’m trusting in my intuition and it’s telling me that everything will work out exactly how it is meant to. 

[unconventional-moi]

Every story needs an introduction

Unconventional could well be my middle name. People were always telling my parents what a free spirit I was as a child. I never thought the idea of conforming to society’s norms to be for me. That’s probably why I had a full head of dreadlocks at 14, travelled to various corners of  the Earth alone just because I wanted to; and now, at 20, venturing into unplanned single motherhood without my own home, “proper” job or the slightest clue what I’m letting myself in for.

My Yoga teacher used to tell me to ‘just write it all down’ when anything was bothering me or I had a problem…so that’s exactly what I’m doing: publically recording, for you, the very truthful, bumpy and unorthodox account of how I got to be here, what the hell is going on and what comes next.

Week 12 of pregnancy- 2016, what a year

Size of the baby- a plum

I’m just getting past the ‘I feel like I’m going to puke 247’ stage and what a relief that is! You’re not allowed to drink and still wake up with a hangover every morning! However, as if I thought I’d start feeling energised and full of life once more, my body had other ideas. I completely clicked my neck out of place yesterday and could barely move, let alone stand up. This is what happens when you ignore the warning signs your body’s been giving you for the last 2 years and think doing nothing will solve it. It doesn’t.

I feel like my body is yelling at me- YOU HAVE SIX MONTHS TO HEAL ME!! And there is a lot of healing to do…physical and emotional.

I’m sure you can relate, 2016 has been a tough year. With all the energy being given to the economic and political current affairs, we’re left feeling completely drained and fearful for the future. For me 2016 had been the year of major upheaval. And Major dumping all the crap on top of me. I have been supporting my family through my parents’ separation, my brother’s mental health issues, drifted away from friends who were once close as well as dealing with my own addictions, relationships and health.

Every part of me is telling me to let go of all of this, heal myself and step into a new space where I can create something new for me and the baby. I’m ready for this, the universe has my back. (Really hoping it has my neck too!)

How did I get here?

Have you ever been walking somewhere, arrive at your destination and wonder how you got there? That’s sort of how I feel. When I found out I was pregnant I was so shocked I walked straight into the toilet cubicle door, in the community centre that I peed on the stick in. (Classy, I know.)

I ran home to phone my best friend Charlotte and cried and jumped up and down, and face planted the bed and was happy and surprised but mostly happy because I was bringing a new life into the world!

And then I hung up the phone and remembered I’d been with two guys around the same time, and there was no possible way of telling who the father was. FUCK. And you thought Bridget Jones Baby was just a movie!

Fast forward to the present, after what felt like months on an emotional roller coaster (even including the motion sickness- very realistic) I found out only one of the guys can have children. We’re not together, but he is kind and supportive and I couldn’t really ask for anything else.

Week 13 of pregnancy- I love my new tits!

Size of Baby – a lemon

Size of my brain- a pea

Size of breasts- MAHOOSIVE

My boobs have filled out so much, when I look in the mirror naked they look like they don’t belong to my body. I feel like I had a boob job but don’t have the plastic nose to match. I keep jiggling them about and wearing low cut tops with a nice cleavage because I am not used to this novelty! But then I realise, that if I lean over the bar at work to clear some glasses, the underwire in my bra starts crushing my chest, causing a tidal wave of boobs emerging from underneath my top to pop out and before I know it my nipple ends up in a pint of fosters!

Bigger bra shopping is definitely on the cards for January.