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Trying Not To Love You (Only Makes Me Love You More) // Chapter 13: Only Makes Me Love You More

Buck and Tommy get divorced after a devastating loss, only for Buck to find out afterwards that he's pregnant again with Tommy's baby forcing them to navigate their grief, anxieties, how to co-parent as a divorced couple, and the fact that they're both still very much in love with each other chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4, chapter 5, chapter 6, chapter 7, chapter 8, chapter 9, chapter 10, chapter 11, chapter 12 Mature, Complete, Chapter 13/13, 3.8k words, read below or on ao3

Thankfully Buck and Luca were both doing incredibly well after the birth, meaning they were able to be discharged from the hospital the next day. Tommy and Buck were already exhausted, but the relief from everything going well and their immediate all consuming love of their son kept them powering through. They carefully buckled him into the carseat and soon the little family was in Tommy’s truck driving home. Buck had decided to sit in the backseat with the baby, and Tommy turned the radio off so they could still easily talk to each other.

“This almost doesn’t feel real,” Buck admitted to Tommy, though his eyes remained glued to his son. His perfect son- 6 pounds 4 ounces, 20 inches long, with brilliant dark blue eyes, a head of soft light brown hair, cupid’s bow lips, and his dad’s cleft chin. “I keep pinching myself.”

“I know,” Tommy stole a glance at Evan in the rearview mirror. Evan looked tired and couldn’t wait to shower when they got home, but that didn’t stop Evan from smiling at their son, and Tommy was certain it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Tommy continued talking to Evan, “Honestly I was worried that all I’d be able to think or feel was sadness that we didn’t get this with Cassie, and I mean those feelings are there a little, but they aren’t the focus, if that makes sense?”

“Absolutely,” Buck promised, “I- I feel the same, I think. And I’m glad, you know? I don’t want him to live in- in the shadow of what we could have had with Cassie.”

“Yeah,” Tommy nodded, “She’s still there, she absolutely does matter, but she doesn’t matter more than Luca.”

“Exactly.” Buck agreed.

“Are May and Maddie waiting at the house for us?” Tommy asked. Such had been discussed earlier in the day, but he hadn’t heard any final confirmation yet.

“Yes, and they can’t wait to meet him.” Buck smiled down at his son. His cheeks were starting to ache already but he just couldn’t help himself.

“I don’t blame them, he’s pretty great,” Tommy grinned.

“I think May also can’t wait for us to see the nursery,” Buck pointed out.

“Can you blame her?” Tommy countered. “I know I’m excited to see it.”

“Me too. She definitely kept it a secret long enough.”

They soon arrived home where Maddie and May were waiting excitedly for them to arrive.

“Welcome home guys,” Maddie smiled as Buck and Tommy came through the door.

“Thanks Maddie,” Buck told Maddie as he walked past her with the carseat in hand.

“The nursery is totally finished including washing all the baby clothes as of yesterday, and today we prepped a bunch of food for you too so you can grab and go or toss it in the oven quickly and not have to put in much effort,” May explained. “Plus I’m always totally happy to bring over take-out in exchange for some time with the baby.”

“Ooo yes, same here,” Maddie quickly agreed.

“We’ll be sure to keep it in mind.” Tommy told them with a chuckle. “Thanks for doing that for us.”

“Of course.” Maddie nodded.

“Alright,” Buck said as he freed his son from the carseat. “Here he is, this is Luca Ryan Buckley-Kinard,” He held the baby up to show him off to his aunts. “He was awake in the car but he managed to fall asleep somewhere between the truck and the house.”

“Oh my god,” May nearly squealed.

“He’s beautiful,” Maddie gushed.

“Whoever wants to hold him first can take him as soon as your hands are washed,” Buck added.

“Why don’t we let Maddie take him first and I can show you guys the nursery?” May suggested.

“Sure,” Tommy agreed.

Quickly Maddie’s hands were washed and Luca passed off to her- the baby hardly stirring as he was passed over- then May led Tommy and Buck down the hall to the nursery. “So I know for Cassie you guys didn’t really have a theme for the nursery, but I saw some really cute inspo pics for this theme and I just kinda thought it was perfect, so,” May pushed the door open, “Amongst the stars it was.”

Two of the walls in the room had been painted a dark blue and covered with countless white hand-painted stars and a crescent moon, while the other two walls had been left white with decor items on them. Some of the stars in the mural were bigger and more star-shaped, while others were simple small dots or circles. The crib and matching change table were crisp white, the crib sheet was navy blue, and the room decor was all white and yellow star-theme. There was a large comfy cream coloured rocking chair in the corner along with a book shelf, and some very tastefully hung soft-yellow fairy lights.

“This is beautiful,” Buck murmured as he took in the nursery. It was far more than he’d expected May to do, and everything he could’ve possibly wanted for his son.

“No wonder it took you so long to get this all done,” Tommy commented as he continued looking over all the details. Clearly May had put in a ton of effort and he wasn’t sure he could begin to describe how grateful he was. “This is incredible.”

“You really like it?” May asked nervously. The nursery was good, she knew that, but she was suddenly unsure if Buck and Tommy would actually like it.

“I love it. Seriously. Thank you,” Buck told May as sincerely as he could.

“Yes, thank you, May,” Tommy echoed.

“You’re welcome. I mean it, I’m happy I could help,” May smiled. “There’s also a bassinet and some baby supplies in your bedroom too. I hope you don’t mind that I went in there, I just figured you’d probably want him close by for the first little while, and I wanted everything to be ready-”

Buck tried to blink back tears as he pulled May into a tight hug. She really had thought of everything, and he was so grateful. “Thank you,” he murmured again.

May hugged Buck back, “Of course. Anytime.”

Two days later, Sal and Gina were finally able to come visit and meet the baby. Sal had been on shift and when he hadn’t been they’d been unable to get someone to watch their daughters on such short notice. As much as the girls wanted to meet their new cousin, Gina was not willing to subject Buck to three high-energy and over-excited young kids so soon after giving birth. Buck and Tommy had been enjoying their time with their son and settling into their new normal. They’d had a couple other visitors in-between- Chimney and Jee-Yun, as well as Athena- and facetimed with Buck’s parents so they could meet the baby too.

When Sal and Ginna arrived for their visit Tommy greeted them seeing as Buck was in the nursery changing Luca’s diaper and changing his outfit, which gave Gina and Sal a chance to wash their hands in preparation for holding the baby.

“Alright guys,” Buck smiled as he brought the baby into the living room. “Here he is.”

Sal eagerly rubbed his hands together, “Let’s see the little fella.”

Buck smiled as he carefully passed the baby over to Sal.

Gina scooted closer to Sal- if that was even possible- and looked at the baby in her husband’s arms. “Oh he’s perfect,” She looked over at Buck.

“He got a name yet?” Sal glanced up at Tommy.

Buck sat down next to Tommy and looked to Tommy to answer Sal’s question.

Tommy sat up a little more and looked at his friends. “He does. Sal, Gina, this is Luca Ryan Buckley-Kinard,” Tommy announced. “Salvatore felt a bit too Italian for him to pull off, Gina felt a little too feminine, and Deluca doesn’t quite make a good first name, so we had to go with Luca,” he added in explanation.

Gina’s jaw dropped in shock, “You named him after us?”

“You two have done so much for us,” Buck pointed out. “I mean, if it weren’t for Sal Tommy might not even be here. Who better to name him after then maybe- if you guys are willing- his godparents?”

Sal looked at Gina. Gina looked down at Luca, then back up at Sal and smiled- the two of them having a silent conversation. Sal turned back to Buck and Tommy, “We’d be honoured.”

“Absolutely.” Gina echoed.

Tommy and Buck smiled at their friends.

After Sal and Gina left, Buck and Tommy spent the rest of the night snuggled up together on the couch and later Tommy’s bed taking turns holding Luca, marveling at their son. When they both started to get tired, they ensured Luca had been fed, changed, rocked to sleep, and settled down in his bassinet, before they climbed into bed themselves.

Buck stared up at the ceiling in the dark for a moment before he turned towards Tommy. “Is it just me or- or does it really feel like- like we’re gonna be okay now? Like we’re gonna make it?” Buck asked. “I mean I- I know theoretically something bad could happen, but at- at least for me I think I feel like we could handle it, you know? We’ve made it through the worst of the worse, and now even if something bad happens, I- I guess it feels like we could actually get through it and be okay?”

“Yeah, I get what you mean. I feel the same way.” Tommy smiled softly at Evan.

Buck smiled back and stole a quick kiss from Tommy before snuggling under the blankets to go to sleep. “Night Tommy,” He murmured.

“Goodnight Evan,” Tommy hummed and kissed Evan’s head before also settling in for the night.

Two Years Later

“Wait,” Maddie stopped Buck and fixed his tie one last time, even if it probably was unnecessary. “There.”

“Perfect,” May chimed in.

“I’ll go make sure Tommy and Luca are ready and then we can get this show on the road,” Maddie said and slipped out of the room.

“How are you feeling?” May asked Buck.

“Good, maybe a little antsy, but really just excited,” Buck decided.

“Good. You’ve got this,” May smiled at Buck. “See you out there.”

“Thank you.” Buck smiled back and checked himself over in the mirror once more as May slipped out of the room.

Did it feel a little ridiculous to have a whole wedding for his second marriage to the same man? Maybe a little, but Buck didn’t really care. This time felt different. Last time was a much bigger, more formal wedding for two people who didn’t know how to communicate with each other when things got tough. This time was different. It was a small wedding in their backyard with only close friends and family, celebrating two people who had gone through something terrible together and fought like hell to come out stronger on the other side.

Buck had thought he might feel nervous but he didn’t. All he felt was excitement and content. It’d taken a lot for him and Tommy to get to where they were now, but it had been worth it. The last two years hadn’t always been easy, but Buck and Tommy had put in the work to be better. They attended their couples counseling religiously, and had learned how to actually properly communicate with each other in ways they’d never been able to before. It didn’t mean things were always perfect between them now, but at least when things weren’t perfect they knew how to cope with it a lot better.

It wasn’t long until Buck and Tommy were walking down the makeshift aisle, each holding one of Luca’s hands. They’d wanted him to be included in the wedding as much as possible, as they didn’t just see the re-marriage as being about the two of them, but about their family as a whole. It only felt right to them that the light of their lives be included. The seats on either side of the aisle were filled with the Han family, the Deluca family, the Wilson family, the Buckley parents, May, Ravi, Harry, and Lucy. The only empty seats were the three intentionally empty ones at the front- meant for Tommy’s mom, Bobby, and Cassandra.

Athena (who was officiating) smiled at Buck and Tommy as they approached the flower-arch that made up the ‘altar’. With a nod to confirm they were ready to start, Athena began her speech as pre-planned with Buck and Tommy, “On behalf of Tommy and Buck, thank you all for being here today. I know this isn’t the first time,”

Everyone in the audience chuckled a little.

Athena continued, “But I feel confident when I say this will be the last. We all know Buck and Tommy have had their ups and downs the last several years. Losing their daughter Cassandra nearly tore them apart, but in the end they fought to come back to each other, and Tommy and Buck built something beautiful. Something stronger than what they had before. Something worth celebrating, and that is why we are here today, to witness these lovesick fools say ‘I do’ for the second time.” She paused. “They’ve written their own vows which they’ll share now. Tommy,”

Tommy took a breath before starting. “Evan, I could talk about how we’ve fought to come back to each other and how we made a hell of a comeback after hurting each other, but I don’t want to focus on the bad parts. While they might be an important part of our story, today I want to focus on the future, to focus on the good parts that are yet to come. I can’t promise to be perfect, or that there won’t be rough days ahead, but I can promise the following. I promise to show you every single day that you and Luca are my absolute everything. I promise to love and cherish you for the rest of my life. I promise to be with you for the good days and the bad, no matter what comes next. And I promise that I will always love you and our family, and I will always do my everything to come home to you. I love you, Evan.”

Buck blinked back the tears that began to form in his eyes and smiled at Tommy.

“Buck,” Athena then prompted.

“Tommy, you have given so much for me and our family, and I can never repay you. But what I can do is thank you. Thank you for loving us unconditionally, for being here, and for being the man you are- the man I love. We’ve definitely had some tough times, but these last couple years you’ve shown me that we’re better together and no matter what comes next, we can face it as long as we have each other. And I want you to know that no matter what happens, I promise to love you, to fight for you, to care for you, to stay, and to see you. You are everything to me, Tommy, and I promise from this day forward, I’ll never let you forget that. I love you, Tommy.”

“The rings?” Athena prompted.

Tommy and Evan each retrieved the ring they’d be giving to one another. Simple matching silver bands with each other’s initials and date engraved on the inside.

“With this ring do you Tommy, take Evan Buck Buckley, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do you part?” Athena asked.

“I do.” Tommy nodded as a tear slipped down his face.

Buck smiled through his own tears and slid the ring onto Tommy’s finger.

“And with this ring, do you Buck take Thomas Tommy Kinard, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do you part?” Athena asked.

Athena hardly finished before Buck proudly said, “Absolutely I do.”

Tommy smiled at Evan as he slid the ring onto Evan’s finger.

“Then with the power invested in me by the state of California, and in front of these witnesses, I now pronounce you married. You may kiss your husband.” Athena smiled and stepped aside so as to not be in the background of the photos.

Buck and Tommy leaned in and shared a soft chaste kiss. They pulled away briefly to smile at one another, stole a second kiss, then turned back towards their friends and family and went back down the aisle.

Quickly the yard was turned over, setting up tables, and the reception part of the wedding got underway, with their friends and family scattered throughout the yard mingling.

“Your cheeks hurt from smiling yet?” Sal teased as he approached Tommy.

“I’m sure they will be later.” Tommy chuckled.

“Good,” Sal nodded. “Seriously man, I’m really happy for you. I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”

“Thank you,” Tommy said sincerely. “Really. I- I know things got pretty dark at some points, and I appreciate you being there for me, seeing me through it so I could get to this part.”

“Anytime man, anytime,” Sal clapped Tommy’s shoulder.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Two of Sal’s daughters rushed towards him. “You gotta come see this!” Each of them grabbed one of his hands to begin pulling him away.

“Duty calls,” Sal said to Tommy and let his daughters lead him away.

“That was a beautiful ceremony,” Phillip Buckley told Tommy as he approached, Luca in his grandpa’s arms reaching for his dad making grabby hands.

“Dada!” Luca cheered.

“Hi Luca.” Tommy smiled and took Luca from Phillip. “Thank you,” He told his father-in-law.

“Sorry we didn’t get to see you two before the wedding much, flight delays,” Phillip shook his head.

“No worries, we’ve been busy getting ready,” Tommy assured him. “Thank you- and Margaret of course- for the honeymoon, that was very generous.”

“Well, you two didn’t have one last time, figured you two definitely needed one this time around,” Phillip pointed out. “I believe you two claimed you were too busy with work,”

“Yes, well that won’t be a problem this time,” Tommy assured with a chuckle.

“How is retirement treating you anyway?” Phillip asked.

“It’s been good,” Tommy nodded. After the helicopter crash and Luca’s birth Tommy had been cleared to return to work, but he chose not to. He wanted to be at home with Luca, didn’t want to miss a single second he didn’t have to. Tommy was in the financial shape to be able to retire, so Tommy simply never returned to work after the accident, flew for fun on occasion, and he didn’t regret it one bit. Tommy loved his life the way it was now. “I get to spend every day with Luca, teaching him things and watching him learn how the world works, I love it. I- I couldn’t ask for more.”

“I’m glad to hear,” Phillip smiled.

Elsewhere in the yard, Buck wound up in a conversation with May, Ravi, Harry, and Athena, until May stepped away to refill her drink. “Those vows were beautiful Buck, yours and Tommy’s.” Athena told Buck.

“Thank you. And thanks again for officiating. I- I really liked that we kept the wedding so small. Made it feel more special, and took a lot of stress out of it,” Buck explained.

“You’re welcome, it was an honour,” Athena smiled at Buck. “But I will say I think I’m good on weddings for a while now.”

Buck chuckled.

“Not for too long, I hope,” Ravi finally spoke up. “That is assuming I have your blessing?” He looked between Athena, Harry, and Buck.

“As long as the wedding is a year from now or more, why the hell not? You’re already a part of the family, might as well make it official,” Athena beamed.

“Well Buck, I guess you and Chim won’t be the only brothers-in-law at the station anymore,” Harry said. “Just keep taking good care of her,” He told Ravi.

“Absolutely,” Ravi promised.

“I’m sure you will,” Buck told Ravi proudly. A few moments later, he went to refresh his drink and found May again.

“You know Buck, I just wanted to say again, I’m really happy for you,” May told him. “I know it took a lot of work for you to get here, and I’m glad you and Tommy managed to pull it off.”

Buck looked out over the yard and spotted Tommy, holding Luca and smiling while talking to his parents. “Yeah, I am too.”

The reception went on for a few hours, before the guests started to disperse. The Deluca family took Luca home with them for the night so Tommy and Buck could have the house to themselves for the night- seeing as they didn’t leave for their honeymoon for a couple more days. Buck and Tommy said goodbye to the last of their guests, did the small bits of clean up that absolutely could not wait for the next day, then took each other to bed.

After some generous love-making, Tommy and Evan wound up tangled in the sheets and each other, Tommy’s head resting on Evan’s chest.

“I’ve been meaning to thank you,” Buck said gently. “I know I kinda did in my vows, but I wanted to say it and some more in private.”

“Thank me for what?” Tommy turned to look at Evan. “If anything I should be thanking you.”

“For staying, seriously- I can’t say it enough. And for facing the fear of trying again. For Luca. For fighting to come back to us after your accident. For everything you’ve done for us and our family. For- for everything. Thank you,” Buck told Tommy as sincerely as he possibly could.

Tommy smiled and cupped Evan’s cheek with his hand. He gently rubbed his thumb back and forth over Evan’s cheek as he formulated his response. “Thank you, Evan. For trying again. For letting me be a part of it. For believing things could be better this time. For Luca. For this family. I- I can’t even tell you how much it all means to me, and I’m really grateful for everything we have now. Thank you.”

Buck smiled and leaned in to press a soft kiss to Tommy’s lips. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” Tommy echoed, then pulled Evan in for another kiss.

tagging some peeps @thegirlinthe118bubble @agentpeggycartering @sammccallfan @simplybulisen @bidisasterevankinard @beanarie @nzchance @hyperfocusthusly @understandingevanbuckley @kinkley-love @yeah-uh-the-pilot @emakataken @corporatebanana @dreaminginreality91

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