USS Creative Endeavours

A place of sacred story. Holding ideas lightly since 2010. © Jonathan Lemer, 2012 I have written all the words you see displayed within this blog, unless otherwise specified. I have captured all of the photos and drawn all of the pictures within this space, once again unless otherwise specified. I thank you for honoring my rights as an author.

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Bound To Cry

We have a perfect love Luna and I With me bound to earth And her to sky Where I could never hurt her And she won’t hear me cry And on those cloudy nights When she doesn’t meet my eye I can see her in my dreams Where heavenly bodies belong to lie

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Still Sticking Around

About 11 years ago, during a particularly low low, and for a lot of reasons, I made a plan to kill myself.

I won’t go into the details, but suffice to say, it was a “good” plan.

The tools I needed were accessible to me and I had the necessary independence to carry it out in full. I thought about it for a week or so, and even said something to a couple of friends of mine, but I made a point of not telling anyone that might stop me.

I set a date, and time marched dutifully towards it. On the morning of, about an hour before I was going to do what I was gonna do, I decided not to.

Instead, I took myself out on a date, making a contemplative stop off by the Pacific Ocean, and that was that.

Now, I cannot exactly describe what all went into that decision, because my head was a lot more jumbled back then, but essentially it boiled down to this: My life is unbearable, somehow it keeps getting worse, and 

A) it’s not going to get any better so an end would be blessing, or 

B) there is a chance that something is going to happen to make me feel differently about it, and as impossible as that seems I don’t even know what that is yet.

I just was not certain enough to bet my life on death being the best choice, and I was too curious to give up on the idea of sticking around to see what might happen next.

Looking back, I understandably feel like it was a pretty important choice, and I don’t regret it.

I would like to add that it also did not really change anything, not right away at least. Even now I still have suicidal ideation pop up, but it just doesn’t feel engaging in the same way.

Some of that same shit that was hurting me back then is still around, still sucks, some of it worse. But other things have changed, and I’ve learned a lot about how to support myself.

Maybe that’s the difference, knowing how to care for my own particular set of weaknesses and triggers. Maybe I’ll feel differently when my cat passes and there is no one left to care for.

What I do know is, for now, I’m still sticking around.

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Last Dance

One year Hung trial No dear

One summer Long run No runner

One chance Young child Last dance

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A Rainy Day for Cats

Ulysses crouches just outside the doorway. His fur ruffled, his shoulder’s hunched. He is upset with me.

I made it rain, you see, and he rather preferred it dry.

My feet tread wet pavement by choice for the first time in my life. I am mapping uncharted territory. I look one last time down the street for a splash of red I know I will not see.

There is less smoke in the air as I drive to town. I need to get my replacement little swiss army knife, because the one I had forever, well since I was in college, fell from my pockets and into the abyss.

Jeanie says I need to start somewhere, and she is right. The sweet man who watches after John thought we were interviewing, when in fact we were improvising the story of an interview.

Plodding down the gravel drive, soft and squelching in the first rain, I hear little Brynnet call out. She wonders where her papa has gone. I reassure her with songs of loss, as they are the only ones I know by heart.

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Voice

I haven’t forgotten

The way my voice

Resounds

I just can’t remember

How this one goes

Yet

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Right Now

I am the now

In right now

Perhaps one day

I can be the right too

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Burble

I watch the river

And the river watches me

Summer burbles through

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Missed

“Hi” waited too long

Summer came without a friend

No goodbyes for fall

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Obligatory Cat Haiku

Hot summer Uly

The kitty plays with a thing

I wish, Ulysses

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Shadow Dancer

Hot fire Warm back Long shadow Laugh with me Wintertime shade Remembering how we danced All shuddering with delight As the last log crackled

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Wolf Mama

Wolf mama Puppy protector Graceful and grateful Seeker of But not eater of Fowl's Fall eggs Grounded sleeper Playful winker Beer drinker Hot mama You've got a flight body

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My My Mycelium

I imagine them as quietly thriving The multitude of brilliant mushrooms Resting deeply within shadow I see them as fireflies Frozen in time Ignited by memory Just beneath the fir tree boughs And billowed sky

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Satiate

Savory Rose lipped horizon Like liquid love Biting Brisk morning breeze Sharp against pale skin Feast A moment with me Quiet beauty

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Rib  Caged

Burn me blue Like midnight stars Warm these bones And lick these scars Give me flight Through darkened light To see your night Through loving bars

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Precipitate

They don't look like much Those little drops of rain But without them The ocean would feel rather empty I should know

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Bound To Cry

We have a perfect love Luna and I With me bound to earth And her to sky Where I could never hurt her And she won't hear me cry And on those cloudy nights When she doesn't meet my eye I can see her in my dreams Where heavenly bodies belong to lie

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Make Time

Don't tell me You don't have time for love I don't want to hear that Even if it's true