.

[vaudevilliangirl]

I just had a panic attack out of absolutely nowhere which freaked my out because shortness of breath is also a symptom of covid19 and not eating makes me lightheaded which is also a symptom of covid19 so I panicked even more and it's just an endless cycle of anxiety, now I don't know if I should be worried about Corona virus symptoms or being worried is the what's causing the symptoms

[iamquietlydrowning]

I felt that

[anastasiatasou]

[vaudevilliangirl]

I am really really struggling rn for some reason. My family is on lock down in Italy and I live in another country so I can't help in anyway. I feel like I'm falling behind on my studies and I can't focus and I don't have the motivation to do what I'm supposed to do for uni. I'm feeling distant from my long time friends cause we live in different countries now and we all have our lives and I know one of them is worried I'm drinking to much (as in binge drinking in the weekends when I go out) and for some reason her telling me made me angry because I was just having fun and now I feel judged. I feel distant from my best friend here because she made friends with another girl who is really nice but now everything is about her and she's so extroverted and basically the opposite of me and it's draining to be around them cause I shouldn't be fighting to be noticed in a group of friends, especially not by your best friend, but that is how I feel. I know my bff is spending much more time with her that with me, which I understand to some extent bc Im busy with uni, but I'm really feeling left out now. I've been spending more time with my friends at uni which is good but also there is this one girl that I grew quite close too and she's struggling with her mental health and she opened up to me about it. I want to support her and I want to help but when she did open up about her struggles I felt very very very triggered. I felt like I was midly dissociating while she was talking and I wanted to say something like "I know what you're talking about because I struggled with it too" but I couldn't bring myself and just felt so lost in my own head. Usually spending time with my bff makes me feel good cause she's such a happy, healthy person, it's easier to be in a healthier mind space around her. But I'm not around her that much anymore and when I am it's not the same as before, and my group of friends at uni don't have that energy (I really like them, it's just a different energy). My bff is gonna move to the other side of the world in two months and then I can just see myself slipping back in a bad place because I won't have her to anchor me and it sucks but I know it will happen, I can feel it. I'm not bad, but I'm not happy either and it feels like I'm fighting so hard not to fall back into unhealthy habits but what's the point if I'm still not happy?? I feel like quitting fighting against it because I don't see the point. I feel like self harming but I can't cut or injure my self in any way. And drinking makes me feel lighter but I can't drink more that I do. And not eating feels great but I don't want to fall back into my ed, I want to lose weight in an healthy way but not eating is the only way I can harm myself rn and I need that control cause everything else is just falling apart.

[patriciaraquel-pereira]

The world is closing in

(…) Did you ever think That we could be so close, like brothers The future’s in the air I can feel it everywhere Blowing with the wind of change.

(…)

Wind of Change, Scorpions Ph. Patrícia Pereira

February 2 016, UA

[vaudevilliangirl]

I started going to the gym a couple of weeks ago and I’m trying to eat healthier. I gained a couple of pounds since I moved, but even before I had never been an active person. Being mentally healthier now made me want to be phisically healthier as well, for I think the connection between body and mind is a very strong one and my mood could benefit from this change. I talked myself into doing this journey for the right reasons, in the right amount of time. I don’t want to do that because I hate myself and I want to change, but because I love myself and I want the best for me. It’s gonna take time. I can’t have it now. I can’t have it tomorrow or next week or month either because that wouldn’t be the best for me, it would just be a very unhealthy way of reaching just the aesthetic goals of it, which should never come before the health ones (not for me at least). Yesterday I went to the gyn (I’m going 3 or 4 times a week) and I felt good. Today I woke up feeling upset about my body. My thighs, my stomach. I told myself that these feeling are not going to disappear just because I chose an healthier journey. I don’t have to act on them, I don’t have to run to the gym or skip a meal anytime I feel discomfort about my body, but I can accept that these feelings are gonna stay with me for a little bit. They’re gonna pop into my mind from time to time. I’m going to say hello. I know them very well. We can eat lunch together and exercise together. But they are not going to ruin this journey for me. I’m feeling disgusted at my own body right now, while I write this. But I just had lunch. Brown rice with curry and vegetables. Tomorrow I’m going to the gym. Maybe I’ll feel disgusted by myself again, and again and again. It’s ok. It’s valid. It’s a starting point so let’s start from here. 

[vaudevilliangirl]

Update

My last really bad episode was two years ago. I may have relapsed a couple of times since then, cause shit happens, but I’ve never self harmed in the past 6 months, not even once. I’m doing better, I’m a much healthier person. In the past days I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about self harm, for the first time in a while. But I know for sure that I’m not relapsing. I downloaded 7cups and a talked to somebody about it. It’s the first time I actually ask for help. Big step for me. Even though I still have these thoughs after 2 years I know that I’m doing so much better because I asked for help this time. That’s the proof that I want to be happy, that something changed and that I’m not going to put myself through all that pain again. I don’t deserve it. Today I feel pround. :)

[vaudevilliangirl]

Happiness

I realized one thing: my mind doesn't do happiness. I do live happy moments in my life for sure, but my mind alone can never think happiness. It can think lot of emotions, it can recreate despair, hope, love, melancholy and many more. I can be OK in my mind, but I will never be happy. I can only experience happiness from outside, it never comes from me. And I made peace with that. I can take all the happiness the external world is giving me and make it mine. Maybe I can even create emotions that some people don't have and we can exchange them and fill the empy places in our heads. I think I'm finally making peace with my mind.

[egberts]

*uses lol and lmfao to make embarrassing and sad truths about myself seem like a joke*

[vaudevilliangirl]

Update

It's been more than four years and I still miss my (ex) fp, how is this possible??? I love my friends now and my bestfriend is amazying I love her to death but the way that person used to make me feel... I want to feel like that again. It was like getting high¿¿ I miss them but our relationship is over, there's no coming back.

[tryppi]

[love-personal]

[bruisedkneesclub]

“How do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become?”

“14 Lines from Love Letters or Suicide Notes” by David ‘Doc’ Luben  (via bruisedkneesclub)

[cannabisbutch]

i have such a wide range of emotions, including

Not-sure-what-im-feeling-but-it-isnt-bad

Not-sure-what-im-feeling-but-it-isnt-good

Empty

Pure Unbridled Rage

Manic Energy

?????????????????????

[girl-enraged]

sometimes i don’t really exist.

sometimes i exist quite painfully.

[elegyforadream]

[vaudevilliangirl]

Do you ever feel as if someone gave you a pen and a piece of paper and asked you to write your name on it. But the pen has no ink in it and someone’s holding a gun to your head, so if you don’t write your name they will shoot you. Except everyone else around you sees the ink in the pen and doesnt see the man with the gun so they’re just like “write your damn name it can’t be that difficult, no need to react like this” BUT YOU FUCKIN CANT CAUSE THERES NO INK AND NOBODY’S LISTENING AND YOU GONNA DIE