This is a great response but I want to correct one thing and also add to it. The problem with âIâm not attracted to people with penisesâ is that attraction isnât usually based on genitals. Of course they play a part in sex and sexual attraction, but attraction generally begins before we can even know for sure what genitals the person weâre attracted to has.Â
Anon, if you see a woman on the bus who youâre attracted to, you canât know for sure what genitalia she actually has, and your attraction to her wonât (or at least shouldnât) become completely void if you get to know her and she tells you she has a penis. If you were attracted to her face when you were first attracted to her, she still has the same face that she had before you knew what her genitals were, so it wouldnât make sense for you to suddenly have no attraction to her face. The same goes for any other aspect of a person that you might be attracted to, including personality, which is super important.Â
Essentially, genitals do not define a person, so you can be attracted to a person without being attracted to their genitals. There are so many aspects to every human being (even physical aspects) that have nothing to do with what genitals they have. You can date trans women - even trans women who havenât gotten genital surgery - and not be attracted to penises. And you wonât be forced to interact with their genitals unless you actually want to.
This is coming from a lesbian who is currently dating a trans woman and has dated a couple others in the past, and is repulsed by penises. None of the trans women Iâve dated have forced me to interact with their genitals in any way, and itâs common for trans women not to even want their sexual partners to interact with their genitals in any way. The first person I had sex with was a trans girl, and she interacted with my genitals, but I never interacted directly with hers. My current (long-distance) girlfriend and I have shared orgasms through skype and sheâs seen my genitals, but I havenât seen hers.*
That being said, I do want to give the anon some tips related to the question they were actually asking, based on my own experience of being in the process of trying to warm myself up to the genitals of trans girlfriends (past and present). If youâre not currently either dating a trans woman or wanting to date a specific trans woman youâre attracted to, then you donât have to worry about this, and you should follow Marsâs advice of just not trying to be attracted to penises (since you arenât and thatâs ok). If you are dating a trans woman and want to pleasure her but arenât attracted to her genitals, here are some tips (for cis women, but if youâre a cis man or transmasculine person a lot of these can apply as well):
1. Donât think of it as a penis. Many trans women (who havenât gotten genital surgery) actually think of their own genitals as a vulva, with the âpenisâ actually being a clit and the âscrotumâ actually being labia. Itâs is pretty accurate considering that this was literally true even by cissexist biological essentiallist standards while she was in the womb, and that having been on HRT for even just a few weeks, trans womenâs genitals actually behave more like cis womenâs clits than cis menâs penises. So itâs a clit, not a penis. (Itâs actually really important when talking about trans womenâs genitals to not refer to them universally as penises even when just talking about trans women who havenât had genital surgery, because for some trans women, referring to their genitals as a âpenisâ can invoke extreme dysphoria.) Itâs also worth nothing that trans menâs genitals start behaving more like cis menâs penises than cis womenâs clitorises after theyâve been on HRT for a while, so if youâre with a trans man and feel weird about his genitals, you can think of his âclitâ as a cock.
2. Make sure your girlfriend knows youâre attracted to her, even if youâre not attracted to her genitals. Think her face and overall appearance is beautiful? Tell her that. Think she looks sexy when sheâs wearing lingerie for you? Tell her that. Think her face looks sexy when sheâs receiving some sort of sexual pleasure (like nipple stimulation, or masturbation while youâre on top of her and looking at her face)? Tell her she looks sexy. As I said before, there are so many aspects (even physical ones) of a person that can be beautiful even if that personâs genitals arenât. Make sure your girlfriend knows that you really do find her attractive, physically as well as mentally and emotionally.
*3. Take your time. Iâd advise touching before seeing, and touching through clothing before under clothing. Rubbing your crotch against hers while both fully clothed, or both in just underwear, can be really wonderful (Iâve only done it fully clothed so far with an ex). While rubbing, just think about how good it feels for you (and her), instead of thinking about what youâre rubbing your clit against. Months later with the same ex, I finally felt ready to feel her crotch with my hands, but not go under her underwear. She told me informatively when I inquired about it that she probably wouldnât be able to orgasm unless I went under her underwear, but she didnât force or coerce me into doing it, and it probably would have been another couple months before I would have felt ready (even though at that point in our relationship she had become extremely good at fingering me, and sheâd also eaten me out). If your girlfriend coerces (or forces) you to do anything you donât want to do, or shows you her genitals before you say youâre ready to see them, thatâs bad, but most trans girls are decent human beings who wouldnât do that to someone they care about. With my current long-distance girlfriend, I actually once did ask if I could see her genitals, and we decided the best way to do it was to have her take photos and e-mail them to me so I would be in total control of whether, and for how long, I would see them. She reminded me plenty of times that I did not have to open the e-mail if I did not want to, and I could even delete it. I did end up being able to muster the confidence to open the e-mail, but I only looked at two of the six or so photos, and I could only look at them for a second or less due to the repulsion I still feel towards genitals like hers. I might try looking at it again sometime and seeing if I can look at any of the photos for longer, or I might just go with the touching-through-clothing-first strategy after she arrives here (btw you can help us out with that). Small steps are still steps that you should feel proud of yourself for, and even effort is something you should feel proud of yourself for with regards to warming up to something that you naturally feel repulsed about. (Btw anon, this includes the meditation and hynosis that youâve tried.) It can take months or even years, and thatâs okay. Itâs also worth noting that you might never actually fully feel ready to interact with her genitals, and your repulsion might not fully go away. Itâs perfectly legitimate to decide to just pleasure her even though you feel uncomfortable doing it because of her genitals (as long as itâs a non-coerced decision that you made), and itâs also perfectly okay to go through your relationship without ever interacting with her genitals unless she gets genital surgery. (If you do the latter you might want to talk to her about maybe having some sort of poly-relationship where someone else will give her the pleasure she craves, and it would also be perfectly legitimate for her to decide to break up with you if she wants a monogamous relationship where her partner gives her genital stimulation. As stated before, however, some trans women donât actually want to receive any genital stimulation from sexual partners, so it could easily work out if youâre dating one with that preference.) Itâs also worth mentioning that just like how it wouldnât be okay for her to force or coerce you to see or touch her genitals, itâs not ok for you to force or coerce her into getting genital surgery if sheâs not absolutely and independently sure that she wants it. (As a side note to that, stating a preference is not the same as coercion. Both of my trans exes as well as my current girlfriend have told me that they would like for me to touch their genitals, but none of them have coerced me into doing it. They all made it clear that whether-or-not I do it is entirely up to me.)
4. There are plenty of non-traditional ways you can have sex and interact with her genitals. Hereâs one. Hereâs another (and hereâs a slightly more descriptive guide to it). That last link was from a whole zine (written by trans women) called âFucking Trans Womenâ, which is available online for $5. Also, here are some suggestions for pleasuring her even if youâre not comfortable with touching her genitals at all. Basically, sex with your trans girlfriend does not have to be like sex with a cis guy in any way, even if you give her genital stimulation.
That was really long but I hope itâs helpful to at least someone who reads it. If you take only one thing away from this, I hope itâs that trans women are women so if youâre attracted to women you should be open to dating trans women, even if you donât like penises.
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