Poly Mama Drama

The blog for the mama with a big heart. Love is love y'all.

[vixenandherthoughts]

Flying High (for both Sides)

I’m going to unpack a recent scene I did at a party. I’ve never done a scene report from the top side, so this is sure to be interesting. But I’m going to do it, because I feel like it will be helpful for both me and the bottom I played with, and it is a practice I would like to continue going forward.

If you are in this scene and would like to announce yourself, go ahead. If you know the other person who was in this scene, do not out who it is. It is up to them whether they reveal themselves. Thank you.

I got to the party with my partner and was already thrumming from excitement to play. I knew it was going to be a fun night, and I was itching to bring out my toys and let them dance on someone new.

After we paid and got in the door, I spotted you, and came to say hi before the discussion started. Then I took up the arm of the couch you were sitting on, since seating was limited, and settled in for the introductions and presentation. I’m not sure what was going through your head during that presentation, but my mind was already running through everything we had talked about, and how that was going to play out that evening. A part of me was fighting the urge to use some of my newfound knowledge to tease you before we had even started our scene, but we hadn’t negotiated anything outside the scene other than what you were wearing.

And so I bided my time. I waited. Like a predator in the bushes, watching its prey, knowing that eventually, either the prey will run and the predator will have to move on to a new target, or the prey will submit and be devoured. Of course, I was strongly hoping for the latter, as it is so much more fun. But I’m realistic and know that not all play pairings are compatible. That didn’t stop me from being excited and driven to do what I do best: find your buttons and play with them.

About an hour after play had started in the dungeon, a cross came available. We snagged it up, and I set out my favorite toys. You were given the chance to say no to anything you weren’t ready to try, and to voice any concerns about any of the ones you were. We had a final negotiation, making sure we were on the same page about everything, and asking a few last minute questions, one of which, I believe, changed the tone of our scene entirely and made it that much better.

And then, I took a deep breath to steady myself. Playing with someone new is always a mixture of terrifying and alluring, and I needed to ensure I could temper the chaos that was raging. A calm took over, and I was ready. I told you to take a breath. Focus on me. Nothing else exists or matters. It is just us in this room, and you don’t have to worry about anyone else.

One by one your clothes came off. Shirt, shoes, pants, socks. Boxers stayed on for your comfort, but you were so accommodating in letting me pull them down so I could still work over your ass. Cuffs were attached to your wrists and then to the cross, so you could fight, but you couldn’t get away. We had our last meta moment, going over your safe words and signals, as my hands started sliding over your shoulders, your arms, and your back. I wanted to make sure you knew you were safe, and that you had the power to stop everything with a word or a gesture.

And with little warning, I started playing my fists and palms in a staccato across your skin. You groaned, I responded with more. Up and down, side to side, across your back and down, until I moved the waist band of your boxers so I could work across your ass too. You growled and your body arched towards me. My mind focused, reading all the signs I was seeing. There was a song in the background, and I was vaguely beating you to the rhythm, but then I wasn’t.

At some point, I started using toys instead of my hands, and interchangeable. My finger floggers are always my first go to, and then my handled ones. The weights complement each other for warm up. Your body responded, but more importantly to me, your mind did too. Every so often I would reach up to your hair and give a tug, pulling you back to my chest and whispering into your ear. It was nothing of consequence, but you would moan and sigh and I could feel your body drop against mine as you tried so hard to physically show me how you were falling in your mind.

I finally reached up and asked if you were ready for the one thing you had been hesitant about, but had really wanted to try: my dragon tongue. You did not hesitate at all in saying yes, though you struggled to even form coherent words. So I started soft and slow, playing it across your skin. There was still some sting, but you were very vocal in your love of it. After a bit, I let you feel the snap of it a few times, and you showed me just how vocal you can really get. We learned that “fuck” isn’t a safe word. I learned that when you stop just moaning and start using actual language of any kind, you really are enjoying whatever I’m dishing out.

However, at some point, something changed. Your body stopped reacting with pleasure, and you were curling in on yourself. I paused and came in close, a hand to your hair, not hard but enough to show you I was there. You were shaking. You were crying. I let you down from the cuffs and wrapped you up, and I held you. You were safe, and you trusted me enough to let that go for a minute.

When you collected yourself enough, you were able to articulate that you had panicked. The world had started closing in. It wasn’t a good cathartic cry, as my initial suspicion had been, but rather a cry because you were terrified. And simply because you needed some water so you didn’t swallow your tongue.

This was good information to have. Future scenes, with me or anyone else, would benefit from this. And while you were getting dressed, you, in your smart ass but serious way, said you could have kept going if it weren’t for that, and you were even down to get back up on that cross right then.

I needed a minute though. I had misread the signs and needed to process that a little bit. Mistakes happen, and this one was nowhere near as bad as it could have been. But it was still something I could have prevented. And I needed a minute to process that. So I told you we were going to take a minute, go outside and cool off, have a drink, and then we could definitely go for round two. Because I still wanted to help you get that high you so desperately wanted.

And that’s what we did.

Round two was much like round one, except now, we were armed with the knowledge that you need water occasionally so your mouth doesn’t go dry. And, I was more confident because of having read your signs once, and felt more capable of topping you better the second time around. And so I picked up where we left off, warming you up a little but getting to the heavier stuff much quicker.

We finally got back to the dragon tongue, and your body became tense and you would tighten against the cross every time you got beat, with anything. And I realized something. You weren’t just going to give in to the feeling. You needed someone to make you give in.

So I took a chance, hoping I had read everything well enough that it would work.

Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap.

The dragon tongue landed a few good hits on your back.

Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap.

A few more to your ass.

And as soon as the last crack had landed, I was against you, one hand in your hair, other at your throat. I don’t remember the exact phrasing, but something along the lines of “why do you keep fighting it? I can see you want to give in. Stop fighting it. Or do I have to put you on your knees?”

And the second I said that…that last part…your head dropped. You moaned, but not something guttural. No, this was the moan of someone who had finally given in, not just to the will of another, but to the war in their own head. You had finally let go, and you were finally soaring as high as you could.

And it was beautiful.

Thank you to the wonderful bottom who did this for me. I look forward to watching you grow and being a part of the journey.

[vixenandherthoughts]

(A)sexuality and Kink

When going into your local BDSM dungeon, you're unlikely to believe that anyone is going to be engaging in sexual acts on the dungeon floor, unless the event rules allow. On the contrary, how many people believe that BDSM and sex go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly, when behind closed doors?

It's important, therefore, to look at the relationship between sexuality and kink, and more specifically at the social expectations and beliefs around sexuality and kink.

To begin, let's explore some definitions. We'll cover sex, sexuality and asexuality, and kink.

Sex might seem like a straightforward definition, until we begin asking if oral sex counts. And what about manual stimulation? Is it sex if a top places a vibrator in the bottom’s panties against their clitoris?

For the purposes of this thought experiment, yes, all of the above count as sex. Sex, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is "sexually motivated phenomena or behavior". To establish clear guidance for the reader, we will assume this to mean any activity in which the desired outcome is sexual gratification (or frustration depending on your kink) on either party's part. Therefore, all of the above, and much more, can constitute sex as far as this reading is concerned.

Sexuality and asexuality are also incredibly complex. For simplicity, we will treat them as two ends of a spectrum, though that spectrum is very nonlinear and does not have to be rational. Someone can be asexual and still experience sexual attraction to some individuals, while someone who does not identify as asexual may not experience sexual attraction as defined by societal norms. So instead, we will look at sexuality as the idea of desiring sex, as defined above, with more partners than not, and asexuality as the opposite. Please remember this is incredibly simplistic and in no way representative of all experiences.

Finally, we should define “kink.” Some would say, (including myself when I’m making a joke), that if you’re into any position other than missionary, you’re into kink. And I suppose this is mostly true, especially since Merriam-Webster defines kink as “unconventional sexual taste or behavior”, which could therefore mean anything outside the societal norms of one’s culture. To expand on this idea, we will focus primarily on the exploration of kinks such as impact play, degradation and humiliation, wax play, and other such types of play that truly are out of the usual repertoire of a heteronormative sex life.

Now, we raise a question: do sex and kink go together, and if so, how? The answer to this question, as you could guess, is just as complex as the definitions can be. No two people will ever have the same opinion about sex and kink and how they intermingle, and even one person will often have differing opinions and needs depending on the partner, type of play, and negotiations.

In fact, when I polled the community for their thoughts, one community member specifically said “it depends on the partner”. To expand on this idea, some partnerships are platonic, purely engaged in for the pleasure of exchanging different sensations or services, i.e., when a Top provides a wax scene for a bottom, but never touches any part of their body that could be construed as “sexual”, nor is the goal of the scene to achieve any sort of sexual release or tension.

Further, others polled said variations of one commonality: it depends.

I decided to peruse the scholarly web to see what research has to say, (so far), about sex and kink. Does the consensus of our community align?

One article in particular caught my eye, as the authors were invited to attend the Southern Leather Conference in 2012 as well as several years afterwards in order to collect data for their research. Sagarin et. al. seems to agree with the idea that BDSM is not a sex-centered experience, and that sex may be tied in, but isn’t always. Again: it depends. During their research with SLC, the authors found that many of the experiences were entirely non-sexual in nature, while others were much more erotic, even among the same individuals.

In an article specifically studying the experience of asexual individuals and BDSM, authors Winter-Gray and Hayfield note that BDSM practices have been adapted time and again by individuals who do not play sexually. Rather, they utilize emotional and mental connections over sexual ones to create the dynamic they seek. Essentially, they support this idea that kink and sex do not have to go hand in hand, and by proxy, they do not have to be completely separate either.

So, the simple answer to whether kink and sex must go together or not will always be: it depends. On the person, on the partnership, on the play, and on a myriad of other factors that can change at any given time.

Hopefully, now there is a better understanding that while one person may engage in highly sexual BDSM activities, another individual may not. Furthermore, even from one relationship to the next, a person may alter their approach to kink and have more sexual encounters with one partner than another.

[vixensilvera]

When going into your local BDSM dungeon, you're unlikely to believe that anyone is going to be engaging in sexual acts on the dungeon floor,

[vixensilvera]

Well then what have we here? Another post. 

Today is brought to you by donuts and Bolthouse Vanilla Chai, deliciousness in a bottle. I’m pretty sure I would sell my soul for this stuff. It’s good. 

Take a minute and enjoy the little things today. Feel the sun. Smell the breeze. Savor the taste of that drink. Live in the moment and just be for a little bit. Things are so crazy it can be hard to slow down, but when we do, we find things that really enliven us and bring us back to the simple pleasures. 

Enjoy it. If only for a moment. Then go and fight the good fight some more. 

[vixensilvera]

Hey folks. 

Been a hot minute. 

How’s it hangin’ out there in the big ole world? 

Here? Well, it’s going ok. I need to get into writing again. I say this every so often and then I do it and then it trails off. So I’m not making any promises. But I’m gonna try to write a lil something or post a lil picture or something every now and then just to try to keep the cobwebs out ya know? 

For today, I’m just writing to say I hope you’re ok. I hope you’re holding up and hanging in there. I hope you’re finding something to bring you peace when the world is chaos and I hope you’re finding a way to stay afloat that isn’t self-destructive in nature. 

And I hope you know you are loved and worthy and awesome. 

XO

[vixensilvera]

Boundaries

Enforcing boundaries is hard sometimes. Enforcing boundaries with people you love is harder still. 

You want to believe they would never knowingly hurt you, that whatever boundary they are crossing they cross in the name of some valiant effort. 

But when does the boundary-crossing become too much? When do you say no? If you always say yes, they will never believe you capable of saying no. 

And when you finally do, when you finally stand up for yourself, they will beg and plead that you let them back in. They will try and push you to give in again. And you will waver. 

But you MUST stand up for yourself, for who you are, for who you want to become. 

You cannot let them continue to push your boundaries aside because you love them. 

You must say goodbye because you love yourself. 

[vixensilvera]

Processing

When you have a constant knee-jerk reaction to a certain thing, and it is something that isn’t going to go away, it is necessary to figure out why your reaction is so severe. 

Which is exactly the thought process behind me trying to figure out why I get “grumpy” every time my boyfriend goes to see his girlfriend, and especially any time he wants to go spend the night with her. 

This is how the inner dialogue has gone so far: 

“Why do you get so upset?”

I don’t know, I just do. I just don’t like it. 

So now the inner dialogue has been challenged and I’m digging into it further. And here is what has come of that:

“Why do you get so upset?”

I don’t know, I just don’t like it. 

“What don’t you like?”

Well, I guess that I’m having to share him and he’s going and doing whatever with this other person. 

“And why does that bother you?”

Cause I wanna do the things with him, and he’s my boyfriend. 

“But don’t you think it’s unfair to say you can have your girlfriend and whoever else you want to date while saying that he’s only allowed to date you?”

Well of course! And I would never say that. I just...don’t like sharing him. 

“But isn’t that part of the territory when you practice polyamory? You have to share, right?”

Yeah...I guess so. 

“So, you’re gonna be gentle with yourself and try to catch those negative thoughts and reframe them, right?”

Yeah, I’m tired of being mean to myself for being human, but I’m also tired of being mad “at my boyfriend” for something that’s only fair, and more than that, is completely normal and acceptable and fine. I’m not entitled to his time and I don’t have any more right to him than anyone else.

I’ve got a lot of work to do. But this is some of the work I have done so far. 

[vixensilvera]

Easy vs Needed

Sometimes I think to myself that I want easy relationships. The kind that just work. The kind that seem to just magically morph from one thing to the next with no prodding and just become whatever feels natural in the moment. 

But then I realize that while those relationships have their place, and can be very amazing, I have needs and if those needs aren’t met, even the easy relationships will become impossible. 

I think it is quintessential to all people, in any relationship style, to make sure their needs are getting met. And if that is in an easy, flowing relationship, great. But when that easy relationship stops meeting needs and becomes impossible, we need to speak up. We need to address the why. 

Do not give up on the easy, but rather get what is needed so that you can get back to the easy and enjoy it more. 

[hella-aro]

You know what should be a thing, aromantic - polyamourous solidarity. Like I know it seems like I’m talking about things that are completely opposite, but think about it

- both groups reject conventional relationship ideas

- we all don’t believe in the idea of finding that one, single romantic partner that will be more important than anyone else in our lives (whether we don’t want a romantic partner at all or we want multiple, equally important ones)

- referring to above, we all get told one day we will find that person that will make us see the light of monogamous romantic love or whatever

- both polyam people and allosexual aros get shoved into the stereotype of asshole who just wants to sleep around without commitment

- our relationships of choice don’t get the same kind of privileges romantic ones do (whether because we don’t want to marry or because we can’t marry multiple people)

- some people are both aromantic and polyamourous

Idk I just think we could get along

[vixensilvera]

New Year, Same Bullshit

Yeah, it’s a new year. That means resolutions and shit for some people. 

Some people being me. I’m not gonna kick myself if I don’t stick to this one though. I shut down my old blog and created a new one in hopes of using it as a platform to talk about the complexities and difficulties that come with being a poly practitioner. 

Stay tuned for (hopefully) many posts about the trials and tribulations that are poly.