Maintaining the illusion/'I came upon your private writings...' or first impression/ceremony/'I would ask that you refrain from such familiarity...' for the blood & betrothals prompts, if either speaks to you!
Upon their return, she does not set eyes on Hades for two days.
It is enough to make her believe that he has changed his mind. That she has been foolishly led down the path she has fantasised about for longer than she will ever confess, only for, exactly as she has anticipated, the reality of it and all that it cannot possibly be to steal him away from them again.
Perhaps they were merely exploring the idea of how it would be, should she allow it all to continue. A visit to her home, away from prying eyes, where he might be himself and the three of them can pretend that there is nothing more pressing in the world than what pleases them. No inevitable wife and the duty to his bloodline. A stealing away every few weeks or months, or a waiting for what time he might be able to spare them. Secrets and pretending and the shadows for the rest of her days.
As ever, Hythlodaeus seems to have far more faith than she does, for he appears entirely untroubled by the fact that the court and their demands have swallowed up the man they...
Love.
In the dead of what is the third night without so much as a crossing paths in one of the palace’s many corridors, she slips from Hythlodaeus’ arms, tucking blankets snugly about him to keep him warm, and casts on a heavy robe before striking out in search of their...
Friend.
Lover.
Something.
His bedroom, she places last on the list of places to check, despite the fact that it is surely where he must be, for there is something about striding into his chambers in the middle of the night that feels as if it might be terribly close to... habit-forming.
It is his study that she darts into just as a maid presumably heading for the just waking kitchens appears at the head of the corridor, and as she is pressing herself against the door, listening for fading footsteps, she hears:
“If you are here to steal my secrets, I am afraid you already have them...”
She turns to discover Hades sat at the broad desk by the light of guttering candles, more papers and documents than she would have thought possible of accumulating in their absence settled in sprawling heaps and bundles before him.
He looks so tired, the shadows beneath his eyes made heavier by candlelight, his collar open and hair dishevelled in a fashion that suggests he has tugged at and run his fingers through it more than once.
And she cannot, for the life of her, fathom why she chooses now to tell him, “...More than you know.”
Hades tilts his head and sets aside his quill, resting his elbows on the desk to lean there heavily in a silence that asks the question he does not give voice to.
Knotting her arms about herself, Azem murmurs, “I saw what you wrote... before you left. One of those boys your father insisted you kept in with... How he joked you should marry me and you told him it would be akin to attending your own execution...”
“As if I would have told the fool how I truly felt,” he grits out, turning his head to stare at the near wall.
“...And the next week you said all those awful things,” she utters, desperate to keep steady her fragile voice. “And then you were gone.”
He gives a tight sigh, his shoulders hunching even further, and bows his head, pressing his eyes firmly closed.
“Do you believe I should have trusted that sort with...”
Hades drags in a deep breath and makes himself look up at her once more.
“...What I wanted most? He would have been considered a good match for you, and he would not have been above... engineering matters to make it happen, if he had known it was an opportunity to... steal something of mine...”
His phrasing plainly discomforts him, and while she tells herself she ought to feel the same, her wretched heart is too delighted at being claimed to allow her to summon even feigned outrage.
“You didn’t mean it,” she mumbles, all in a foolish tangle.
“No.”
“But you wrote it, and the rest—“
“And so it has been real for years,” he acknowledges with an aching finality. “I am well aware.”
Pushing away from the door, she rounds his desk and nudges him away from it just enough that she can perch on its edge and sit before him, his hands on either side of her, his fingers curling and uncurling in a futile manner while he will not let himself touch.
“It was not a noble act,” he allows in rough tones. “I wanted you safe. Both of you. Not... tainted by association. And I... needed not to permit myself to hope.”
She drapes her arms about his shoulders as he finally yields, resting his head over her heart as his arms encircle her middle and pull her closer, his hold fierce even as he trembles.
For a time, all she can do is keep him folded safely in her embrace, her head bowed to his.
But then there is the brush of lips against her neck. A soft sound as she tips back her head, arching ever so slightly.
And soon she is bare upon a desk swept hastily and haphazardly free of paperwork, Hades’ golden eyes molten in the warm light as he makes promises and begs forgiveness with each kiss and caress.
And for a glorious moment that spools out and out...
21- What occupies them the most: the past, present or the future?
Thankfully, for her, most of her past has been wiped out, so she has largely had to focus on the present. She sometimes wonders who the people she has the barest flickers of recollection of were to her, but, ultimately, she very much accepts that what's gone is gone - and now she actively does not want that past or those people anywhere near her and her family. Her nightmare is someone appearing from her past and trying to claim they're her mother or aunt or someone with a claim to a connection, who then unsettles her family and the life they've worked very hard to build. She does entertain ideas about the future now and then, but doesn't really like to tempt fate by imagining too much and pinning her hopes on anything with certainty.
6. What was the thought process behind their appearance? Did you go mostly for the aesthetic or are there other reasons they look the way they do?
Her hair has altered in length by expansion. It was mostly kept short until Shadowbringers, and then she ends up cutting it back to her jaw-line again in a haphazard fashion after The Dying Gasp, and it stays not much longer than that until after Endwalker. Her scars were accumulated as the story went on too. The highlights in her hair have always been pink, but back in ARR they were a lighter shade; the colour they are now has been part of her design since HW. Her appearance now has taken on aspects of her journey and how she’s gradually acknowledged herself as more than a means to an end. She would never have considered her ear piercings/chains in HW, for example, for she would have thought them to be a frivolous indulgence. So, it’s more how she’s evolved as the story has unfolded than keeping to an aesthetic.
1, 3, 7, and the bonus off the character creation asks?
What was the original thought that led to the creation of this character?
Answered here!
What was the first thing you decided on, the character's name, appearance, personality or their role in the story?
Her name went through two changes of first name and two changes of surname before the one I settled on, which isn’t uncommon for my characters, as names are always the last thing and take me forever. Her appearance, too, went through two cycles of significant changes, particularly her eyes, in that they’ve been a combination of gold and violet before the shades they are now. I suppose her personality was first, which was somewhat forged by her role in the story, but how the WoL canonically reacts and how she does are most definitely not the same, especially when it comes to particular characters.
What is an aspect of their appearance that you like the most?
Her eyes. I was most worried about them not looking quite right with the Dawntrail graphics update, and while they were still making those early adjustments after the expansion there was a time when they were a bit too different. I adjusted the colour intensity slightly at this point.
Bonus question: share any additional thoughts, art, favourite scenes, anything you've been waiting for a chance to ramble about.
Answer below, as it contains Dawntrail patch spoilers.
I think I have a lot of rambling about Ethos to do in the future. Essentially, if there are no significant story impediments to it, I think my WoL will absorb the heart of the device into her own, so in her canon it’s ‘back where it belongs’, as it were. But first there are some Complicated Feelings and Misunderstandings to navigate re: Hades seeing its magic in action again.
1. What was the original thought that led to the creation of this character?
I was dabbling with a lot of Shadowbringers-related ‘what-if?s’ and whether deviations from the MSQ were ‘allowed’, or even if having a character that was more than just an avatar to play the game was the done thing. So I didn’t really let myself entertain proper ideas about her as a character until the end of Endwalker, when there was the opportunity to break from canon in a way that would work with some of those ‘what if?’ scenarios – and enough information to link them to the lore. Azem was easier, and I wrote about her first, but I didn’t think anyone would want to read about my WoL. And I suppose that’s why I never stated her name. I never stated her race, either. But people did read about her when I posted her story to AO3, and they were so kind, for which I’ll always be grateful, and while I still haven’t shared her name, she is the answer to those Shadowbringers, and then Endwalker, questions. Her alternate self, if I didn’t let myself write those answers, ends up solely as the weapon she thinks she is, and probably doesn’t survive Endwalker (though a different Faith survives in an alternate timeline).
20- how did the relationship change them individually
I think one of the central things it changes about her is her relationship with touch. And I don’t mean primarily in a romantic sense, but that’s certainly part of it. She quite literally keeps a physical distance from others and ignores her body as much as she can because she feels that the only thing it’s good for is combat. She really doesn’t understand how people find comfort in touch because she thinks she’s tried to and experienced nothing, when what she’s actually done is tried out the idea of physical intimacy with people she’s supposed were aesthetically pleasing and she ought to find attractive. And it doesn’t work. She learns from Hythlodaeus that touch can be kind and comforting and undemanding, and just for nothing more than the pleasure of it. And that maybe she doesn’t have to permanently hold herself so tightly within her own space to make sure she keeps everyone at bay. While she does still hesitate to be the first to reach out or assume that contact is welcome, she’s getting better at it.
In a way, Hythlodaeus is more open about what more difficult emotions he experiences, in that he realises that he doesn’t have to hide when he’s struggling with the impact being part of Zodiark has had on him. His first impulse is still to conceal them, but he knows very well that his husband and wife have similar struggles for their own reasons, and so he isn’t the ‘anomaly’ that he might have felt in sharing his feelings in such a way pre-sundering. It isn’t that he didn’t trust Azem and the Hades of then, but that he was so fixated on not burdening them that he was quite deliberately a lot less in touch with particular facets of his emotions. And in that world in general, it was a safer way to be.
Hades would, in his darkest moments, like to insist that he hasn’t changed at all. That he still very much is the man who did all those terrible things, because to suggest otherwise would be to excuse himself from the responsibility. Sometimes, he lets himself imagine he really is the man he believes Hythlodaeus thinks he is. And at others he and their wife are honest enough to fight and brawl and show each other the damage that’s been done. And that has to be enough change, for now.
Thank you for the ask! 🩷
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