Okay.. so I need to talk about this song. First of all this musical was absolutely brilliant. Seriously it was one of the most genuine, raw, emotional pieces of art that I’ve ever seen and I am truly thankful that I got to experience it. This musical has so many layers and so many complex characters that almost anyone can relate to. I sobbed through the entire show but this song struck me in a way that I didn’t even know it could. This show is so unique and special because it has so many different points of view in it, many that aren’t usually talked about and words literally cannot describe how grateful I am for it.
When Zoe started singing this song, I immediately felt connected to every single word she said:
Why should I have a heavy heart?
Why should I start to break in pieces?
Why should I go and fall apart for you?
Why should I play the grieving girl and lie
Saying that I miss you
And that my world has gone dark without your light?
I will sing no requiem tonight
These words resonated within me because I have spoken them. While my person who I felt this way about didn’t succeed in taking their own life and is currently living (from what I can only assume from social media since we unfortunately don’t speak anymore) a better life, I have felt this.
On the worst night of my life I found my best friend of 17 years on her couch after taking pills and cutting every surface of her body that she could find. That moment is one of the most defining in my life and is something that will never leave me. Our relationship was not a good one. While I have many many fond memories of everything that we went through together, our relationship was toxic. It took me a long time to realize this and learn that what I had with her wasn’t true friendship, but was a one sided abusive relationship. She relied on me for everything, blamed me for all of her problems, and expected me to be able to fix her. She would put me down to make herself feel better and get mad at me when I had something good in my life. I put up with it because she was my best friend and I loved her with all of my heart but my first thoughts after finding her and finding out she was okay was.. “what if I had just let it happen.”.... Writing those words down and expressing that moment is something that I never thought I would be able to do. It took me years and a lot of therapy sessions to realize that this thought didn’t make me a horrible person. It didn’t mean that I was evil and didn’t care about her and wanted her to die, it was simply human that I wanted my pain that she was causing me to end. I’ve felt the way that Zoe has. Confused because you love this person and should be grieving but at the same time, there is a black cloud that was above your head for most of your life that has now vanished and you can finally see the sun.
After all you put me through
Don't say it wasn't true
That you were not the monster
That I knew
I just sincerely want to say thank you Dear Evan Hansen, for showing that everything is not always simple. Feelings are complicated and there is usually much more below the surface than what meets the eye. One of the hardest things is feeling something you think you shouldn’t or not feeling something that you think you should. Thank you for putting this unique perspective in the forefront and creating real moments in a piece of art. I never though that anyone could possibly understand my feelings and in 4 minutes I felt my own words spoken back to me and comforting me. This was an experience I could never replace and I am seriously contemplating getting a new tattoo because of this. Thank you so so much.
I will sing no requiem tonight
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