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like a rose - blue_siren - The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (Movie 2023), The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes - Suzanne Collins [Archive of Our Own]
https://archiveofourown.org/series/4759348
a series of connected snowjanus (coriolanus snow x sejanus plinth) one shots
Firmly believe that everyone in professional hockey knows to be or should be scared of Shane Hollander. Have they ever seen him lose his shit? No. Have they ever seen him blow his top (no pun intended)? No. Is everyone certain he would absolutely fuck their shit up, verbally or physically, if given adequate reason and opportunity? Yes. Without question.
After Shane and Ilya are outed, then playing on the same team, I guarantee that underlying fear of Shane gets exponentially worse.
The problem? Ilya don’t duck fades—never has, never will. That menace of a man actively seeks out fades for himself and others. Oh, we fighting? I want some of that. I need that. Call me Ryan Coogler, because I get involved in that.
The bigger problem? Shane has some sort of sixth, seventh, and eighth sense for Ilya. He doesn’t have to be in the room, building, or country to know when his man is up to some bullshit. He also doesn’t have to know who started it and doesn’t particularly care. Be on your best fucking behavior, because you put your hands where? You raised your voice at who? You said what? Yes, I know we play an inherently violent sport, but you checked him into the boards a little too hard for my tastes. It looked personal, so now it’s personal. Seems like you had a problem, so now we have a problem. No, I don’t like how you looked at him while asking that question, so now I’m staring you down until you learn to watch your goddamn tone.
The biggest problem? Ilya knows. He knows and he loves it. Talk to me nice, my man is listening. Watch how you approach me, my husband is very protective. Don’t look at me too crazy, my baby can get crazier.
TLDR: Shane hears Kill Bill sirens when people breathe in Ilya’s direction. Ilya’s got “my man, my man, my man, my baby, my baby” playing in his head at all times.
I firmly believe that Shane is actually a menace.
Shane is just as unhinged as Ilya, if not more so—he just requires a certain level of comfort and ease to let people see that. Ilya’s baseline is “I woke up today and I’m going to make it everyone’s problem.” Shane is more “I need you to prove your worth and trustworthiness before I allow you access to additional sides of me.”
Shane’s parents? Fully aware of his gremlin tendencies. Ilya? Intimately acquainted and in love with this undercover harbinger of mischief. Rose, Hayden, JJ, Jackie? They know that Shane is actually just three chaos demons in a trench coat. Everyone else only catches the occasional glimpse because Shane isn’t comfortable showing that part of himself to just anyone, much less in a professional capacity.
Enter Centaurs.
Hayden notices the difference at the first Montreal game against Ottawa. Shane’s playing the same—an absolute demon on the ice, something the Metros are woefully unprepared to face now that he’s playing against them. They score a single measly goal against the Centaurs’ 10, 6 of which are Shane’s alone.
He looks relaxed, Hayden thinks as the press flocks to his friend after the game. Less tension in his shoulders. An actual smile on his face instead of the fake one reporters still haven’t caught on to after all these years. He looks…happy.
“Shane!” One of the reporters pushes to the front and holds out a microphone. “Your former teammates spent most of this game gunning for you instead of actually playing. It doesn’t seem to have worked out well, but is there anything you’d like to say to them now?”
Hayden feels a chill run down his spine as he watches the way Shane’s smile shifts from soft to sharp, closed mouth to shark-like. Oh no. Wait, wait, wait—
Shane looks directly at the camera and shrugs.
“Hoes mad.”
In the background, Rozanov’s face positively lights up. He looks like Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day just came early, all at once and specifically for him. The rest of the Centaurs are behind him, cheering wildly.
More importantly? None of them look surprised.
Hayden’s not shocked that Shane said it—he knows what his friend is really like, knows the Metros are mad (even if he does personally object to being called a hoe). He just can’t believe Shane said that out loud, in front of cameras, in front of other people, and nobody (aside from the reporters, who are gobsmacked and clamoring for more) looks even remotely fazed by it. They’re looking at him in a way that says “that’s our Shane,” not “holy shit, he really just did that.”
As Shane walks off, completely at ease, Hayden feels two diametrically opposed emotions. On one hand, there’s a guilt gnawing at him. How awful were the Metros that Shane never felt comfortable enough to be himself and talk like this after a game? How had he not noticed? Had he taken his own privilege, his own glimpses at the gremlin that is Shane Hollander, for granted? Fuck, had he failed his friend?
On the other hand, Hayden’s excited for his friend and for the rest of the season. This Shane is comfortable enough to truly be himself and he’s going to be a complete, unapologetic, grade A problem for everyone. Hayden can’t wait to watch it happen.
As a continuation of the headcanon above, please enjoy the following installments of Shane The Menace:
Much to Hayden’s excitement (and slight fear, not gonna lie—has to play against the guy now), Shane The Menace begins making more frequent public appearances. As best friend of The Menace, Hayden dutifully corrects the Metros who grumble and complain about their former captain being corrupted by Rozanov.
He’s always been this way, Hayden says repeatedly. No corruption necessary. He just wasn’t comfortable enough to show you. Now you have to deal with being on the bad end of it.
After another Ottawa-Montreal game (another, far more dismal loss; the Centaurs pulled off a complete shutout and racked up 8 goals), the press is practically foaming at the mouth for more quotes from Shane. This time, they’re angling for some kind of reconciliation between the newest Centaur and his former teammates.
“Greg Hines, ESPN,” a stocky man in front announces as he holds out a mic. “Gilbert Comeau took a nasty fall in the first half and was on the bench the rest of the game. According to the official Metros social media team, he’s fractured an ankle. Any well wishes for him or the rest of the Metros after their loss tonight?”
Shane pulls a face—like he’s aiming for sympathetic and failing miserably. One of his former teammates tripped and now these vultures want pleasantries from him? The irony.
Hayden feels his stomach drop into his ass as Shane looks at the camera. Fuck, whatever he says is gonna make the Metros group chat go insane.
“No points and a broken ankle,” Shane deadpans. “Damn. Double homicide.”
Hayden sighs as he taps an Instagram link from JJ. It looks like the paparazzi cornered Shane at the airport, right as the Centaurs arrived for their flight to Miami. It’s already at over 200,000 views. This can’t be good.
“Shane!” A tiny woman with green hair and an old school tape recorder rushes ahead of the crowd. “Any comment on the petitions to bench you and Ilya Rozanov? Some Metros fans seem to think playing on the same team as your husband is—“
Shane normally just smiles and nods politely when approached in airports, but he pauses mid-stride. Hayden feels the temperature in his living room drop. Oh God, what’s he about to say?
“All the flavors in the world and people choose salty.” Shane adjusts his sunglasses delicately. “Blood pressure must be sky high.”
Hayden damn near chokes on his tongue laughing so hard.
Sometimes, Shane The Gremlin makes an appearance. That, Hayden explains to the uninitiated, is when Shane isn’t provoked; he’s just feeling mischievous.
In fairness, the interaction with this fucking podcaster—Henry? Harold? Fuck if Hayden knows or cares—isn’t completely unprovoked. It’s not immediately provoked, not in the moment, but it’s almost an inevitable conclusion to months of constant shit-stirring. The guy’s been one of the loudest voices decrying Shane’s exit from Montreal, using very, very thinly veiled homophobia to push his “concern for the sport.” It’s a massive crock of shit, and Hayden’s amazed the guy got a press pass for the Irina Foundation’s annual gala.
…oh. Oh shit. Shane did this on purpose, didn’t he? Jesus H. Christ, this is going to bad. Somebody should call Yuna.
“I just think it’s weird,” Shane says directly into the unsuspecting podcaster’s obnoxiously oversized mic. “You spend so much of your time with my name in your mouth, talking about how I have my husband’s dick in mine. Gotta say, I’ve never—as a gay man, mind you—thought that much about a penis that wasn’t mine or the one I was married to. Do you…have something you want to get off your chest or…?”
Hayden is not surprised when Herman (Hassan? Herbie?) goes red as a beet and silent. He’s also not surprised when the clip, recorded by at least a dozen professional-grade cameras, goes viral within minutes. He’s even more unsurprised when reaction gifs of onlookers—himself included, looking like he’ll blow a blood vessel trying not to laugh—pop up alongside #ShaneUnleashed.
I firmly believe that Shane is actually a menace.
Shane is just as unhinged as Ilya, if not more so—he just requires a certain level of comfort and ease to let people see that. Ilya’s baseline is “I woke up today and I’m going to make it everyone’s problem.” Shane is more “I need you to prove your worth and trustworthiness before I allow you access to additional sides of me.”
Shane’s parents? Fully aware of his gremlin tendencies. Ilya? Intimately acquainted and in love with this undercover harbinger of mischief. Rose, Hayden, JJ, Jackie? They know that Shane is actually just three chaos demons in a trench coat. Everyone else only catches the occasional glimpse because Shane isn’t comfortable showing that part of himself to just anyone, much less in a professional capacity.
Enter Centaurs.
Hayden notices the difference at the first Montreal game against Ottawa. Shane’s playing the same—an absolute demon on the ice, something the Metros are woefully unprepared to face now that he’s playing against them. They score a single measly goal against the Centaurs’ 10, 6 of which are Shane’s alone.
He looks relaxed, Hayden thinks as the press flocks to his friend after the game. Less tension in his shoulders. An actual smile on his face instead of the fake one reporters still haven’t caught on to after all these years. He looks…happy.
“Shane!” One of the reporters pushes to the front and holds out a microphone. “Your former teammates spent most of this game gunning for you instead of actually playing. It doesn’t seem to have worked out well, but is there anything you’d like to say to them now?”
Hayden feels a chill run down his spine as he watches the way Shane’s smile shifts from soft to sharp, closed mouth to shark-like. Oh no. Wait, wait, wait—
Shane looks directly at the camera and shrugs.
“Hoes mad.”
In the background, Rozanov’s face positively lights up. He looks like Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day just came early, all at once and specifically for him. The rest of the Centaurs are behind him, cheering wildly.
More importantly? None of them look surprised.
Hayden’s not shocked that Shane said it—he knows what his friend is really like, knows the Metros are mad (even if he does personally object to being called a hoe). He just can’t believe Shane said that out loud, in front of cameras, in front of other people, and nobody (aside from the reporters, who are gobsmacked and clamoring for more) looks even remotely fazed by it. They’re looking at him in a way that says “that’s our Shane,” not “holy shit, he really just did that.”
As Shane walks off, completely at ease, Hayden feels two diametrically opposed emotions. On one hand, there’s a guilt gnawing at him. How awful were the Metros that Shane never felt comfortable enough to be himself and talk like this after a game? How had he not noticed? Had he taken his own privilege, his own glimpses at the gremlin that is Shane Hollander, for granted? Fuck, had he failed his friend?
On the other hand, Hayden’s excited for his friend and for the rest of the season. This Shane is comfortable enough to truly be himself and he’s going to be a complete, unapologetic, grade A problem for everyone. Hayden can’t wait to watch it happen.
I know Ilya loves encouraging Shane’s pettier impulses. Not because Ilya is king of pettiness or a bitchy person. I mean, he can be, but those aren’t primary facets of his personality.
No—it’s because one thing Ilya knows is two things for certain. One: Shane is the best. THE best. Ilya talks a big game and he can back it up because he’s a generational talent in his own right, sure, but he is not Shane Hollander. He teases his husband and calls him “second best player in the league” because it gets Shane in a mood that always leads to fun (and that’s business that stays between Ilya, several ruined sets of sheets, and the thin walls of multiple hotel rooms). When you get down to it, he’s the famous and amazing Ilya Rozanov, yes, but that’s…that’s Shane Hollander. Shane “break the internet, top two and I ain’t number two” Hollander. Shane Thee Hollander.
Two: despite being Shane Thee Hollander, first of his name, baddest of bitches, and the Beyoncé of their field (and a cutie patootie on top of all that), Shane is not loud about his accomplishments—and Ilya thinks he should be. Shane lets the accomplishments speak for themselves. He achieves, breaks records, wins and wins and fucking wins some more, and just keeps going. He’s a force of nature. Ilya thinks his husband should have an opportunity to be loud, braggadocious, and downright obnoxious if and when he wants because, again, he’s Shane fucking Hollander.
So when Shane starts off a conversation with “I’m going to say something kind of mean,” Ilya rolls out the proverbial red carpet. Talk your shit, baby. I’m all ears.
“He’s really confident for someone with such low shooting accuracy.” Exactly. The nerve of him to even breathe your air, much less chirp at you.
“…but if I showed up in that outfit, Twitter would never let me hear the end of it!” You’re so right. He looked awful.
“Fuck him! And not in the good way!” Yup! Say it again! Matter of fact, let me get you a microphone.
“I love Hayden—as a friend, Ilya, Jesus—but maybe a vasectomy is a good idea.” I’d put ten babies in you if I could, but you’re still absolutely right about this. Jackie’s had enough.
“I respect Scott, but he’s not exactly in his prime, you know?” Scott is a dinosaur. It’s a miracle that he dodged the asteroid and made it this long without turning into dust. We should call and tell him ourselves.
“Our wedding was better.” Of course it was. I got to marry you. Any event with you at the center is the best. All the others are bullshit.
“I’m not taking that shit from some fucker with a receding hairline and no points for an entire season. Pick a struggle, asshole.” We should book him a flight to Turkey for one of those procedures. Can’t fix the other thing, though.
“Was that too mean?” Never! Say more, my love. Insult his mother. Shit-talk his teeth. You know he had a nose job last season? Supposedly it was to fix a break, but everyone knows that’s bullshit.
troy, homophobically, after watching a joint interview of shane and ilya: they’re probably fucking
troy, homosexually, after ilya comes out to him: they’re probably fucking
As much as I love my hc that the raiders don’t put together the Shane/jane thing until years after hollanov are married- I equally love my hc that they knew but just didn’t give a fuck like roz is theirs and if he loves a man so be it (even if that man is Shane fucking Hollander I know they were seething after every accusation that Hollander would take it easy on them after vividly remembering how insane he would get during games)
Source
Friendly reminder that for Shane it was likely even worse considering he's not white and would be dealing with racism on top of that
Jesus Christ, that’s insane. Who the fuck tries to break the leg of a child playing Peewee hockey? Peewee is ages 11 and 12, so preteens!!!
No wonder Crosby’s parents sent him to boarding school in another country. If he was getting death threats from the fathers of his peers, as well as peers trying to break his leg on the ice. Like they’re the fucking Mafia instead of children playing a game that’s supposed to be fun.
I’m Canadian, I understand how nutty my country people can be about this damn sport. But I’d never heard that particular anecdote about child prodigy Sidney Crosby. Although I can believe it. Many Canadians care more about hockey than they do about religion. My city rioted twice over lost Stanley Cup finals. And no, the Vancouver Police didn’t seem to learn a whole lot from the first time hockey fans tore their own city centre apart because they felt humiliated by “their” team losing.
And yes, Shane, being a non-white child prodigy, would’ve had it even worse than Sidney Crosby did as a kid. No wonder Yuna and David go with Shane to all his tournaments when he’s a kid and teenager. They’re not being helicopter parents. They’re probably scared of him getting badly beaten by vengeful kids or humiliated parents.
Ilya, although white like Crosby, would’ve presumably gotten similar threats, being another child prodigy. Perhaps that’s one reason Ilya becomes so aggressive on the ice, both verbally and physically. As an adult, he’s only 5’11”. He was probably one of the smaller kids on his teams back in Moscow, as well as far and away the most talented.
Maybe another kid tried to break his leg when he was 11 or 12, in the Russian equivalent of Peewee. And Ilya decided the best defence was a good offence. If you take the initiative to scream insults and hit your teammates and opponents, they may think twice about trying to break your leg. Plus, he was 12 when his mom died. So already probably emotionally volatile even if no other kids or their parents were trying to maim him.
And it sounds like potential maiming would’ve been a concern for any child who was sufficiently gifted. It just would’ve been even worse for Shane, since he didn’t fit in with the other boys either racially or socially. He was easily visually identifiable in a very white sport.
really among the most compelling elements of shallergies for me is the "you can't have what other people get without consequences, and the easiest path to processing that is just telling yourself you don't want it, and control is not only important: it's ESSENTIAL for you to be okay" of it all when it comes to shane
on the topic of #shallergies I am now enamored with the idea of Shane deciding that he wants to do tolerance training so now every weekend Ilya drives him to the allergist’s office and watches him eat exactly one-fifth of a peanut under medical supervision. it is a very stressful experience for him. he’s pacing and biting his nails while Shane ingests his crumb and plays on his phone for an hour waiting for something to happen. It takes a month to work up to eating one single whole peanut and Ilya’s halfway to premature grey hair by the end of it. he begins to resent the jar of Training Peanuts with the passion of a thousand suns
first of all "Training Peanuts" made me fucking CACKLE
second of all, SO funny to imagine shane deciding to use the summer to start doing this so it won't have an impact on his performance if it goes badly (*ilya voice* and what about impact on your husband? no concern for this?), which means ilya's stress levels are flipping WILDLY over the course of the summer.
yay cottage with husband FUCK these fucking peanuts yay cottage with husband FUCK these fucking peanuts yay cottage with hu-
the kicker being that it turns out shane doesn't even like peanuts
texture of peanut butter is Bad and the taste is meh
he tries a reese's at ilya's suggestion and is just "that's it??? the allergy ones you make me are way better"
the problem with Reese’s is that the best peanut-free alternative is Trader Joe’s sunflower seed cups (I’ve tried every brand. This is the one) and there is no Trader Joe’s in Canada so every time the Centaurs are in the States for a game Shane finds the nearest TJ’s and buys their entire stock
extremely charmed by the idea of it being A Thing that like. ALL of the cens end up with a random pack of sunflower seed cups in their luggage for the flight home because ilya and shane ran out of space in theirs and ilya will just knock on doors, hand them over, go "you will need to smuggle this across border for team morale thank you" and then walk off
A thought regarding Shane allergies, I’m allergic to tree nuts and one of my favorite snacks is granola with yogurt but it’s lowkey impossible to find granola at the store that doesn’t have tree nuts in it so now I just make my own. Which made me think, Ilya getting REALLY into making his own granola because Shane complained one time about how the store he shops at stopped carrying the only granola brand that was safe for him to eat and Ilya will not stand for His Shane not being able to enjoy granola if he wants to
GOD and the thing is that shane COULD make it for himself. he totally could. he's a totally competent adult. he's been living on his own since he was 18 and doing fine.
but he's also grown up with the understanding of, "oh, i don't get to have the fun stuff everyone else does."
(which uuuuuuh is the way he also thinks of a lot of things he. probably should not.)
and at a certain point for him, it was easier to just go, "food is just the thing that fuels me. it doesn't have to be fun or good or enjoyable. its function is 'make me good at hockey.' and it's fine. and i don't care."
and then along comes ilya who goes, "no, you can have nice things if you want them. i will make it possible for you to have nice things because i want you to have nice things."
My nephew used to be allergic to peanuts (he was one of the kids that grew out of it), and there's an extremely funny video of him at age six or so, sitting in an allergist's office when they were pretty sure he was out of it eating his first Reese's. His mom handed it to him and then had to unwrap it because he REFUSED. Those are AGAINST THE RULES, mom. She had to coax him into taking a bite and he did while just STARING at her the entire time. She asked him "do you like it?" and he nodded very slowly. She asked "Is it the best thing ever?" and he spoke for the first time in the video to say "not really".
would have absolutely been bb!shane oh my GOD
In my mind Shane’s allergies are latex, peanuts, tree nuts, and mangoes. The mango allergy is pretty mild and he LOVES mangoes so he eats them anyway but Ilya hates that so when he’s away from Ilya for sponsorship-related trips he’ll go eat a bunch of mangoes alone in his hotel room and later when he FaceTimes Ilya he’s got a suspicious mouth rash. Ilya’s like what are you doing. That better not be a mango reaction, Shane. Tell me it’s anything else. Tell me the makeup artist didn’t wash the brushes right and now you have herpes but do NOT tell me you’ve been eating fucking mangoes behind my back AGAIN—
the idea of shane who denies himself SO MUCH and optimizes SO MUCH OF HIS LIFE and is SO focused and SO dedicated
but who cannot resist the siren call of Forbidden Mangoes
it ends up being his end of season treat
he did a whole season, he did a great job, he stayed focused and On It the whole year. other people celebrate with champagne. shane celebrates with an allergen.
shane who has one last photoshoot to knock out before he's free and is just oh no :) it conflicts with my husband's schedule :) guess that means ilya can't go with me :) so sad :)
why are you so happy
i'm not :)
then he does the photoshoot and has knocked out the last thing he has to do in front of a camera for a while.
now it is Mango Time.
he facetimes ilya with the lights down WAY low later and ilya just ?? shane??? i can barely see you, malysh. turn a light on.
uuuhh, no thanks. it's sexier like this.
what? i want to se-
...
shane is it the fucking mangoes
...no
SHANE
YOU GET TO SMOKE SOMETIMES. I GET TO EAT MANGOES.
ARE YOU FORGETTING PART WHERE ALLERGIES CAN GET WORSE WITH EXPOSURE?
THEN I SHOULD ENJOY THEM WHILE I CAN
WRONG
Ilya learning FOR SURE that shane let him win during every foreplay wrestling match the day he has to try (*TRY*) to get this contraband mango away from him
Now imagine, this has been a conversation, this has been a fight, it's been years and it's one of the few arguments that they never reach a compromise on...
And then they win the cup together, for the first time.
They've won and carried the cup and the loved ones have entered the locker room and everyone has been drinking out of the cup already, everyone at least tipsy if not completely drunk, sogging wet from champagne and beer and what else, and it's time for the the media to do their round of questions! Not a whole interview, of course, but some quick questions to get the winners fresh reaction and capture that victorious feeling, you know?
And they're happy, they're in love, they won their first cup together just now, they're tipsy and everything is lovely and wonderful! And Shane feels so fucking proud. Of Ilya, of his team, of himself. He's so proud of himself. He adapted to his new team and truly contributed to this win, especially the last two rounds of the playoffs where they did a series and a half with Ilya playing with bruised ribs, and Shane's line had to pick up the slack and increase their already long ice time minutes... Shane is proud. Shane feels like he truly earned this. He earned this happiness and the wonderful summer he's about to have. He earned anything and everything he might want.
And then the media comes and the questions come and Shane's so fucking happy and thirsty and hot, and it's summer and they've been playing this last series against LA, six games and three of them in hot California.
And they ask "Hollander, you just won, what's the first thing you're gonna do?"
And he says "I'm gonna eat some mangoes"
And Ilya is answering his own set of questions a few feet to the right but he heard him, and he turns on his feet so fast he almost looses his balance and screams "YOU WILL NOT"
And the reporter who asked the question in the first place was already confused, all of them were, really, because eating mangoes? That's the first thing he would do? What kind of celebration is that? But then Rozanov is making that angry sound and Hollander responds with a very, very offended face and what is this about, that's juicy, so they all shut up and let them bicker.
And Shane goes, mullishly "I will eat as many mangoes as I want!"
"Absolutely not! Why are you like this? It's not good for you!"
"Neither is smoking, neither is alcohol, or the absolute trash junk food you have all the time!"
"I quit smoking! And I'm not allergic to fucking McGriddles"
"But I'm sure is worse! You have them all the time! I can have mangoes one time! I just won the cup!"
"Allergies get worse with exposure Shane, you CAN'T have mangoes one time! It's a bad idea!"
"YOU WERE A BAD IDEA"
"What thE FUCK DO YOU-"
"I KNOW I'M ALLERGIC TO MANGOES. I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS ALLERGIC TO MANGOES. IF I WASN'T THE PERSON WHO KNEW MANGOES WERE BAD FOR ME AND ATE THEM ANYWAYS I WOULDN'T BE THE ONE WHO SLEPT WITH YOU AT NINETEEN"
"Shane, lyubimyy, are you comparing ME TO MANGOES?"
"Yes!"
"They are bad for you!"
"Well I still love them! And you! TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT"
Well... Idk how this scene ends, but I sure know where it ends: In the internet! also as the first time Hollanov does any kind of confirmation of how long they have been involved together.
Ok but the Cents thinking Ilya is the one with the allergies, which still wouldn’t really change much because of the maintaining safe kisses of it all, but it does mean Shane is pulled into the danger zone multiple times so they can discreetly ask about food while literally holding the equivalent of poison five inches from his face specifically while Ilya is distracted
GOD
someone SO earnestly holding up something they brought to shane to try and ask if it's safe for ilya and shane is pulling back as much as he can when he's being pulled into this huddle and just "?? for?? ilya?? yeah, that's fine for him."
and everyone is *deep breath of relief* okay great.
and then like ten minutes later they end up getting in trouble when ilya sees The Contaminant in the sacred space of Safe Food, and they're like !! not our fault!!! hollander said it was fine!!
and now SHANE is in trouble with ilya and is just like !! they asked if it was fine for YOU!! it IS fine for you!!!
okay but ilya back in boston after the cottage who has already started learning allergy friendly cooking and done experiments on his own because he wants to NAIL IT the next time he sees shane, to the end result one day that he's at a party and overhears a convo at a table of WAGs where one is complaining about doing an elimination diet to try and pinpoint allergens and she wants a good cake option because it sucks for kiddo to be doing this during their birthday but they REALLY need to get to the bottom of this-
and ilya wanders over and joins the conversation and starts?? recommending?? blogs??? "nut free natalie has really good plain vanilla. it does go kind of flat, though, i think because of sea level? but if you add 1/2 tsp more baking soda and-"
and the WAGs are all??? since when??? does roz know this??? and word gets around because he is a good captain and checks in on the family and ends up chit chatting about allergies and making suggestions based on what he's been researching since he's had a few months of this now and everyone is??? d-does roz?? have allergies? no?? they've SEEN HIM eating this stuff???
and then he moves to ottawa and someone has a (wildly incorrect lmao) lightbulb moment of "oh my GOD!!! ROZANOV HAS A KID WITH ALLERGIES!" they know about montreal jane and figured he was moving up to ottawa to be closer to her anyway, and a kid being in the picture (especially a kid who might have medical needs a la food allergies) would absolutely make sense for him suddenly moving up there after years. and some of the team is a little hurt he wouldn't say anything, but he does get some ruthless press and jane seems really private so maybe?? it's her request???
and naturally gossip flows a little to the point that it makes it to the ottawa team, and i mean? yeah? makes sense? roz is so rigorous about allergies and keeping his place allergy free? maybe the kid and jane come on the weekends or something?? or maybe it's like a week on week off situation??
and eventually shane is down in boston playing and a member of montreal is friends with someone on boston, so the gossip gets passed along that roz left boston to move up to ottawa to be with jane and their kid. and NATURALLY this becomes THE topic in the locker room that evening afterwards. and shane coming back from press hears this and is??? what?? the fuck are you talking about???
"yeah, it's what smythe on the boston team said. apparently roz moved up because their kid is sick or something?? no one's sure."
shane that night texts ilya, "apparently?? we have a kid together??"
and gets, "??? damn, hollander. you should have told me. I would have paid child support."
Ilya adds an "allergy safety" briefing to induction for new team members and staff. This is BEFORE Shane is even on the Centaurs mind.
Anyway, I'm just imagining Ilya with this meticulous presentation, codesigned with his mother-in-law the executive manager of his charity Yuna Hollander.
And once Shane IS at team events (between the outing and officially joining the Cens), Ilya lets them know WHY this is a big thing for him...
So the first Cens event Shane attends, he bears witness to an all-out ARGUMENT between like five of his future teammates over whether the cake has any airborne allergens that means it needs putting in the specially designated 'SHANE DO NOT GO HERE' area, or if it's just a problem if Shane ingests it...
Crucially, this argument started BEFORE he and Ilya arrived. Just the Cens standing there having this argument as Shane and Ilya walk into the room, overtaken by every emotion all at once that their team are being THIS accommodating before even OFFICIALLY meeting Shane.
i see this and raise you that ilya didn't actually tell them it was for shane specifically. they know that allergies are apparently Very Important to ilya so yeah, sure, buddy. maybe this is important to him in his family or something. whatever. doesn't matter. sure the peanut butter cookies can remain in a sealed container away from everything else. why not.
which means that shane arrives to this event to find five grown men arguing about whether this cake is A Bad Cake and needs to go to jail or not, and shane fully thinks he's having a stroke for a second. he knows all of those words but NOT in that order. and he's like ?? um?? and the guys fucking GRAB HIM and are like, "you are married to roz. you would know. he would want this cake to go in jail, right? it has hazelnuts in it." and shane is just "i don't even know what you're asking me." and gets the explanation that team events have sections for food and the main one is no common allergens and then there's "hey, if you're allergic, stay tf away" in another area, and it's just a team bit to call it jail now. so if someone forgets and is like, "this has lemon in it," they can get a verdict on jail or not jail.
and shane is?? oddly touched??? yeah, send the cake to jail for sure. :)
and significantly this means that still NO ONE ELSE knows about his allergies because he STILL DIDN'T TELL THEM. XD
It is very important that everyone know that after I tagged this with "MUST... RESIST... MIETTE... VOICE" and nothing else
Pen came into my DMs to call me out for it :P
...
So anyway, Luca is standing off to the side of this argument, and under his breath just says "You poison Miette? You poison Miette with the hazelnut?! OH! JAIL FOR CHOCOLATE CAKE! JAIL FOR CHOCOLATE CAKE FOR ONE THOUSAND YEARS!"
this fresh-faced 18 year old kid who was already bracing himself to have to explain his food allergies, yes they're serious, yes he's sure, no he can't have even a little, no it's fine he can bring his own food, only to find out he gets to not have to explain ANY of that AND he gets to have MULTIPLE safe options at every team event now
on the topic of #shallergies I am now enamored with the idea of Shane deciding that he wants to do tolerance training so now every weekend Ilya drives him to the allergist’s office and watches him eat exactly one-fifth of a peanut under medical supervision. it is a very stressful experience for him. he’s pacing and biting his nails while Shane ingests his crumb and plays on his phone for an hour waiting for something to happen. It takes a month to work up to eating one single whole peanut and Ilya’s halfway to premature grey hair by the end of it. he begins to resent the jar of Training Peanuts with the passion of a thousand suns
first of all "Training Peanuts" made me fucking CACKLE
second of all, SO funny to imagine shane deciding to use the summer to start doing this so it won't have an impact on his performance if it goes badly (*ilya voice* and what about impact on your husband? no concern for this?), which means ilya's stress levels are flipping WILDLY over the course of the summer.
yay cottage with husband FUCK these fucking peanuts yay cottage with husband FUCK these fucking peanuts yay cottage with hu-
