Random musings.

Thinker, dreamer, penguin.

[wethearcticfoxes]

Compromise

I often look at the big picture of my long distance relationship and feel bitter about all the small pockets of happiness that would be so easy to find had my boyfriend and I been in a short-distanced one. Simple day-to-day actions such as going to the gym together, studying together, working at a cafe together, or even just seeing each other everyday would be so happy and fulfilling. On the hindsight, it’s so much easier to cherish these simple moments only when you’re deprived of them. Its just the way our minds work...

[wethearcticfoxes]

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God? Jessica: I do. But before we start, I'd like to make a statement. I am here to tell the truth, but...

#truthspoken #lifelessons 

The law is the law but the <u>truth is subjective.</u>

[wethearcticfoxes]

[wethearcticfoxes]

[wethearcticfoxes]

Random forum-ers with posts that relate to my situation

By Phoenix2327:

Rahul, I too went through a period of wild behaviour once I was out of reach of my mother. It takes time to learn what is good and what is bad for us without being dictated to. We have to learn for ourselves; it's just human nature.

But during that time I learned I had a lot more going for me that my mother would have had me believe. While I lived with her, she would constantly point out my deficiencies while extolling the virtues of her acquaintances' children. I never tried anything new because if I failed, it would just give her more ammo.

Once I was out of her control, I discovered I was better than I had been led to believe. I tried my hand at music, acting, sketching, in short, all thing creative. I didn't have outstanding talent in any of them but the point is I was free to try without being denigrated. I had fun and met lots of interesting and encouraging people. I hope during your time of self-discovery, you found new talents in yourself.

DOM, you may be on to something about having stronger minds. I too have developed an analytical mind and tend to avoid over emotional people. I tend to tackle things logically and am able to see all sides of a problem in order to find the best solution.

My oldest daughter has just moved into her first flat with her partner. She is a strong-will, independent young woman and I'm very proud of her. I like to think that allowing her the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them gave her the confidence she needed to start a life of her own. And, unlike me, she's happy to come home and visit with her Mom.

By Daughter of Maat: 

Beautifully said. My husband and I do not have many friends either. Actually, we don't have any at the moment. The last "friend" I had, we thought had our same level of integrity, but soon found out she did not. My husband needs social interaction more than I do, he tends to be more emotional than I. Personally, I do my best writing when I'm alone. Like right now, my hubby and daughter are asleep, and I've been more productive in the past 2 hours than I am during the day. I prefer to work alone. Mostly because my analytical mind tends to find the most efficient way of doing things rather quickly and most people can't keep up. I think that comes with the territory though, so to speak. And, as you said, I can go long periods of time without the need for physical company. I rely on no one but myself.

That's a great way of putting it, our creative outlets are how we vent our emotions. I despise emotion so much that I hadn't thought of my creativity in that way, but you're absolutely right. Creativity comes from emotion! So those people who say we don't show our emotions are actually quite wrong!

[wethearcticfoxes]

For those of you who have a controlling parent that drives you crazy

Controlling parents are basically insecure. They use power as a means of manipulating their children. They are also immature as they view parenting as upmanship and a source of powerplay with their children.

Controlling parents, like their authoritarian counterparts, believe that their children are their appendages, not individuals with their own desires and wants. Of course, children of controlling parents develop low self-esteem and often becoming risk aversive. They also believe that they are powerless and personas non gratas.

Personally, the kind of failure that’s the hardest for me to accept is seeing the disappointment on my parents’ face(s). After trying to tick all your boxes, i can’t believe you still have so many expectations of me and i can never reach the level of ‘perfection’ expected of me. I have no control over their emotions and I wish they could just love me for who I am. The actual reason why I left to study overseas at 18 was because the environment back home is way too restrictive and controlling for me to ever be able to find out who I am. I am psychologically damaged, confused about my personality and identity, and so ridden with anxiety that its hard for me to get a proper sleep at night; and part of the reason why, is because my mom’s own anxiety has damaged and restricted me. 

Parents have the responsibility to not drag their children into the emotional roller coasters that they themselves may face. Often times, the children are equally helpless and unable to voice their misery. Don’t let your own ego take over you by failing to realize the damage you’re inflicting onto your children by reining control over every aspect of their lives, don’t ruin their future by dragging them into a picture they don’t want to be in. THEY WILL NOT BE HAPPY, and will be confused as to whether your voice or theirs is in-charge of their life, and this is dangerous because when and should anything happen to you one day (I pray my hardest this never happens), they will end up losing a part of themselves in the process.

[wethearcticfoxes]

It has happened..and happened..and happened..and it will happen again. That’s just the way people are, and whether we all realise it or not, at the end of the day we just want the best for ourselves. 

[wethearcticfoxes]

Promoting wellbeing through compassion (by Julia Bueno)

Research suggests that teaching people to develop self-compassion can reduce shame and self-criticism, as well as lead to improvements in other psychiatric symptoms

It’s hard to think of any talking therapy that doesn’t assume the importance of practising with compassion, and at the very least we are all familiar with Rogers’ core conditions of unconditional positive regard, empathy and congruence. Equally, it’s hard to imagine a therapist not motivated by a caring, kindness and sympathy for the suffering of her clients. But it’s only recently that the specific qualities of compassion are gaining attention in the literature, and even becoming an area of study in their own right.

What exactly is compassion and can we have it for ourselves as well as others? Can it have therapeutic properties? If so, can we be taught how and when to practise it? Compassion focused therapy (CFT) has made more than a start at addressing these questions, and while its pioneers continue to gather outcome data in order to extend its reach and levels of understanding, it already offers a valuable integration of a number of familiar ideas.

Paul Gilbert is Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Derby and Fellow of the British Psychological Society. He has been working with, and researching, shame-related processes in mood disorders for over three decades. Over the last 15 years his work has looked at compassion as an antidote to shame and self-criticism and a focus for therapeutic intervention. CFT has since appeared on the therapeutic map, in particular in the territories of CBT-type approaches (with an addition last year to Windy Dryden’s CBT Distinctive Features series).

Gilbert’s interest in CFT grew out of a number of observations from his work with people with complex mental health difficulties, who often come from neglectful, abusive or emotionally insecure backgrounds. Typically they would experience a high level of shame and self-criticism. Working with a CBT model, he noted that while some could engage well with the cognitive and behavioural tasks involved, the outcomes could still be poor. A typical response might be, ‘I understand the logic of the alternative thoughts suggested, but they don’t help me feel any better’ – a ‘cognitive-emotion mismatch’ in psychological terms.

This encouraged Gilbert to explore how it is we can feel reassured and relieved by the ‘helpful’ cognitions that CBT suggests, which involved considering the emotional sources of reassurance along with the associated importance of attachment and affiliation. More recently, his work has taken advantage of neuroscience and he has recently described CFT as an ‘integrated and multimodal approach that draws on evolutionary, social, developmental and Buddhist ideas, along with the latest findings of neuroscience’.1 Being ‘multimodal’, it builds on a range of cognitive behavioural and other therapies and interventions (the list of the latter is very long). However, Gilbert is passionate about the importance of integrating science. ‘The science of mind tells us so much now,’ he says. ‘We know that attachment, the therapeutic relationship and unconscious processes are absolutely crucial. If psychotherapy began today, we’d be in a far better position with it all.’

The affiliative system So CFT is not a discrete therapy as such, but offers another approach to working or organising ideas for practitioners of all theoretical backgrounds who are presented with the trans-diagnostic issue of shame and self-criticism. A key idea rests on findings that suggest we have at least three types of emotion regulation systems: the threat detection and protection focused; the drive and excitement focused; and the contentment, soothing and affiliative focused (see the ‘three circle model’). Research has also shown that the latter has significantly developed with the evolution of attachment behaviour.1 Indeed, we intuitively know that kindness and support of others helps to soothe away threats and restore a sense of safeness. As Gilbert explains, ‘The affiliative system was designed as a threat regulator. We want to go to our nearest and dearest when under threat, because we have an intuitive wisdom that the kindness of others is what helps and what soothes us.’

Neurobiology also suggests that our affiliative emotions operate through specific endorphin and oxytocin systems and self-focused kindness and caring may operate similarly. Both of these systems are distinct from those activated by threat. So feelings of safeness and soothing don’t come about from the mere absence of threat. Equally, if we can reduce threat, it doesn’t mean that the calming and reassuring properties of the affiliative systems are automatically activated. These three discrete systems are also shown to have important effects on other abilities, such as our capacity for attention, tolerating distress and mentalising. They are also very powerfully physiologically organising.

CFT organises its formulations and ideas around these three systems and sets out to re-balance them, but in particular, Gilbert explains, ‘Whatever you do in CFT, you have to get the affiliative system going as a key to regulate the others. CFT takes the view that this system is poorly accessible in people with high shame and self-criticism – for them, the “threat” system dominates their inner and outer worlds’. The therapist will make the ‘three circle model’ explicit at this stage, and the collaborative nature of the work is echoed in making a ‘shared formulation’.

CFT in practice Chris Irons is a clinical psychologist who works for a mental health team in East London and was supervised by Gilbert. ‘I have been using CFT as my overarching model clinically for about six years with a broad base of clients including severe and chronic depression, trauma and enduring mental health problems. Sometimes just working with the formulation alone can be very powerful and it can be fascinating to see how patients depict the sizes of the circles with pen and paper – with the “threat circle” being huge, the drive system small, and the soothing system a tiny dot.’

This early phase also includes the therapist validating fears and painful experiences and making sense of safety behaviours and core beliefs – personal history is recognised as crucial. Early life experiences that may have sensitised a client’s threat system (eg being bullied) and emotional memories can lead to ‘safety strategies’ that can end up lowering self-esteem and increasing a vulnerability to depression and anxiety (eg appeasing or avoidance behaviour). Normal defensive emotions may also be feared (eg the bullied child fears expressing rage) and fear of emotion is important to explore. Gilbert’s current research focus is fear of positive emotion, noting in his work people who think ‘if I am happy today, something bad will happen tomorrow’.

The development of self-criticism can unfold through a process of fear of the powerful other and the need to self-monitor to avoid stirring their anger. Gilbert explains: ‘It’s about identifying the complex functions of the critic as a safety strategy. History is full of self-deprecation and efforts to appease and sacrifice to powerful gods because we are frightened of them, but we also want them to protect us. If we step on a twig that disturbs a sleeping lion, we tell ourselves off. In both cases we blame ourselves because our own behaviour is the only possible source of control.’ Gilbert uses plenty of metaphor and storytelling in his work. ‘These can be playful and even wonderful fun,’ he says. ‘We continue to learn from our clients about what works and what doesn’t.’

He goes on to emphasise the importance of making all the work in CFT explicit, not just the formulation, partly as a reflection of the collaboration. ‘CFT makes it explicit that trauma memories can open up complex feelings, including shame and that can make the therapeutic relationship difficult. We need to take responsibility for a brain we never chose; it’s absolutely not our fault. Therapy can have the idea that we have to “dig in” to something that is “wrong” with us. CFT assumes nothing has gone “wrong”, but we are saddled with an old brain and a new brain, along with how life has shaped us. The key is to have plenty of discussion, with a calming and soothing orientation, that we are all in life together.’

The it’s-not-your-fault focus is a huge part of all the work, during and after the formulation; it is well developed in dialectical behavioural therapy and trauma work too. It also means, as Gilbert says, that ‘we never tell the patients we are going to take something away from them – we tell them that self-criticism and shame have served functions and are highly defensive. We don’t dismantle safety behaviours until alternatives are in place. We all blame ourselves when things go wrong. Lots of time is spent “normalising” and de-shaming emotional responses, and distinguishing taking responsibility from condemning and blaming behaviours’. The latter involves taking time to explore the differences between shame and guilt – with Gilbert noting the lack of research on learning to tolerate guilt.2

CFT hypothesises that if people can then begin to shift their sense of there being something bad about them, they will be better equipped to develop improved emotional regulation and a positive sense of self. Developing a ‘compassionate self’ becomes the next task, Gilbert says, ‘enabling us to prepare and engage with ourselves with a calm and peaceful mind’.

An evolutionary approach Specific qualities, forms and foci of compassion have been espoused for centuries, especially by Buddhism. Derived from the Latin compatior (to suffer with), compassion was once defined by the Dalai Lama as ‘a sensitivity to the suffering of self and others, with a deep commitment to try to relieve it’. CFT, however, bases its model on an evolutionary approach to psychological functioning, as Gilbert says: ‘Compassionate motives and competencies are linked to evolved brain systems that underpin altruism, attachment and affiliative behaviours.’3

CFT defines specific attributes and skills of compassion that can be embodied by the therapist while using interventions that aim to help patients develop them in relation to themselves. This means the therapist has to work hard at self-compassion too. Defined attributes include a care for wellbeing, sensitivity, sympathy, distress tolerance, empathy, and a stance of non-judgment. The skills of compassion involve creating feelings of warmth, kindness and support in the work. Therapists should always be concerned to explore whether patients are trying to force (or even bully) themselves to change, rather than being supportive and encouraging in their efforts.

‘The work is about orientating the patient to a compassionate self-identity,’ Gilbert says. ‘Compassionate behaviour often involves courage – such as developing the courage to leave an abusive partner. We sometimes underestimate the importance of facilitating courage in our patients, but it is much more likely to arise in the context of a compassionate therapeutic relationship and internal supportive sense of self.’

Compassionate mind training While CFT refers to the process, compassionate mind training (CMT) refers to the exercises and practices in CFT, but can also be used alone for anyone wanting to develop their compassion. There’s a large focus on imagery, such as exercises imagining compassion flowing out from the patient to others, along with flowing inwards to themselves (from others and from the self). Interventions familiar to CBT or emotion-focused work may be used, along with others – including letter writing, chair work, graded tasks, mindfulness, Socratic dialogues and re-scripting. Whichever it is, the focus must be to find ways in which the patient can experience them as kind, supportive and encouraging. As Gilbert summarises, ‘creating emotional hits via creating experiences’ is what matters.

Irons, like Gilbert, adapts his CFT approach to the needs and resources of his patients – there is no ‘set’ way of working. ‘I have used it in individual work and with groups on the acute inpatient ward – it’s a very adaptive model. Sometimes we’d never know how long someone was on the ward, and it may be that we’d only work so far as a formulation. Others I may work with for a year or so. I have also just begun to use it with couples, helping them to understand each other’s threat systems.’

His work over the years appears to validate CFT’s rationale: ‘My experience of using CBT with high levels of distress is that patients can struggle with a head-heart lag – they may understand different ways of thinking, but they don’t feel better as result. Again and again clients talk about CFT allowing connections on an emotional level. Profound emotional shifts can emerge from having empathy for themselves for the first time. Often, many report on the fear of connecting emotionally in this way, but they have an intuition that sticking with it will be helpful.’

Research continues to explore the value of bringing compassionate mind concepts to a range of therapies, but some preliminary studies suggest that teaching people to develop self-compassion can reduce shame and self-criticism, as well as lead to improvements in other psychiatric symptoms. These include depression and anxiety in patients with long-term mental health problems, psychotic voices hearers, and in improving depression and reducing shame in clients in a high-security psychiatric setting.3 The hugely resourceful Compassionate Mind Foundation website tells us of research grants in the waiting.

CFT for eating disorders Eating disorders (ED) is one clinical area where CFT seems to be developing distinctly and a recently published clinical audit of treatment outcome suggests its outcomes are at least comparable, if not better, than standard CBT and CBT-E.3 Spearheaded by Kenneth Goss (an old student of Gilbert and author of The Compassionate Mind Guide to Beating Overeating), he heads the Eating Disorder Service at Gulson Hospital, Coventry and has been progressively introducing CFT interventions into a standard CBT programme for eating disorders since 2002. He now describes CFT for Eating Disorders (CFT-E) as ‘a transdiagnostic approach, specifically to address affect regulation difficulties, shame, self-directed hostility and pride in ED behaviour’.3

CFT-E looks more structured than CFT alone, and is designed with specific stages to help the patient develop an understanding of the emotional regulation system (with a ‘not your fault’ approach), coping strategies and also to develop self-compassion for difficulties they have faced in the past and for the challenges of recovery. Goss explains, ‘Although we share aspects of a CBT approach, we have far more focus on building emotional capacity to behave compassionately, along with practising distress tolerance skills. We also use the group to facilitate building a safe attachment. Patients have fed back to us that they have found CFT elements more effective than standard CBT. They couldn’t make changes without something in place. It’s also, perhaps, more gutsy – it can be a therapy that’s difficult to tolerate: needing to change the way you eat and relate to yourself.’

Although CFT is fairly new as a treatment approach, it seems to understand much wisdom of both ancient and contemporary thinking. A formalised university-accredited course has yet to be developed, although introductory and more advanced workshops are available. If they are delivered with the energy and compassion colleagues embody, I’ll be attending one soon.

References: 1. Gilbert P. Introducing compassion-focused therapy. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment. 2009; 15:199-208. 2. Gilbert P. Compassion focused therapy. London: Routledge; 2010. 3. Goss K, Allan S. Compassion focused therapy for eating disorders. International Journal of Cognitive Therapy. 2010; 3(2):141-158.

Source: http://www.therapytoday.net/article/show/2515/promoting-wellbeing-through-compassion/

See more at: http://www.therapytoday.net/article/show/2515/promoting-wellbeing-through-compassion/#sthash.5tSQcBTU.dpuf

[wethearcticfoxes]

Their pain is not Your pain

This piece speaks to me on a spiritual level. 

“You,” he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”

That quote comes from Emilie Autumn’s psychological thriller novel, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls. I used it a few months ago in a post to describe Robin Williams and why, I think, he was in so much pain. But I also think it’s true for me, and why I am in pain so much of the time.

Ten years ago, after reading Dr. Elaine Aron’s research on the highly sensitive person, I realized that I emerged from my mother’s womb without the extra layer of skin, the protective coat, most people are born with. Therefore I not only can intuit the emotions of someone else, but I feel them on a very deep level.

If someone I love is in pain, I am in pain as well. And this is especially the case with my sisters and my mom. All boundaries that I pretend to put up for friends in turmoil come crumbling down when it’s my sister who can’t eat because she’s so anxious.

This past weekend, the pain was intense. All of my sisters and my mom were in town. Some of them were aching. As much as I tried to place a boundary there, I became irritable and grumpy. My husband finally took each of my shoulders with one hand, and turned me to face him. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “Their pain is not your pain.”

Their pain is not my pain.

Really?

Feeling pretty powerless over the situation, I started a discussion on this topic in The Highly Sensitive Person group on Project Beyond Blue, the community for persons with chronic depression I launched.

“I’m not sure how NOT to feel this pain,” I explained. “What do you guys do?”

Here’s what they said.

1. Acknowledge That You Are Separate From Your Pain

One woman reminded me of what I had written in some piece a while back, while I was taking the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program: that I am in pain, but I am not my pain. She explained, “For me that creates the best kind of separation. It doesn’t separate you from your loved ones, but it separates the pain from who you are.”

That works for me, as I’m not sure I’m capable of not feeling it. And the more I try to run from the pain, the more I will find it, just as Thomas Merton said:

“The truth that many people never understand is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt.”

However, even if I feel it, I don’t have to make my pain my primary experience. My “I” is different from the experience of pain, if that makes any sense.

2. Be Real Together

Another woman told a beautiful story about how most of us who suffer from a mood disorder aren’t afraid to look at something despite it being painful, when the normal response is to look away. She wrote:

“There is a wonderful allegory in The Never-Ending Story where they tell about a magical mirror that even the bravest men cannot look into. This mirror shows us who we truly are, and even the so-called bravest and strongest of men who have dared look into the mirror run away screaming, having lost all sense, becoming irrevocably insane by the truth of self. I don’t know why this part of the book speaks to me so much. Maybe I am narcissistic, but I feel that many people with mental illness have looked into this mirror, and have NOT run away but stood facing the painful truth of self and life and others. It’s everyone else, our friends, our co-workers, our loved ones who seem so “normal” who are the ones who couldn’t stand within 10 feet of this mirror, because it would smash every false concept they have about themselves and about life.”

Her story reminded me of the wisdom of the Velveteen Rabbit and the “calling” to be real:

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

The trick is to have a “realness” support group. Recognizing this quality of realness in a trusting group such as Project Beyond Blue gives me the courage and the stamina to continue to be real even when it hurts.

3. Keep Right-Sized for the “Picture”

My friend Rachael told me it has taken a long time to get this right — not feeling other’s people pain to the extent that it disables you — and that she still doesn’t get it right all the time. “I am mindful to keep myself right-sized for the ‘picture,’” she told me.

“When I am getting too big for the picture, it means that my pain or anxiety or anger has taken over and I have lost sight of what matters. So I right-size, move back to my balance point. I’ve been through worse and gotten through it, and I remind myself that I do not know what others are experiencing or going through in the moment and try my hardest not to judge or jump to conclusions … Basically, there is a lot of putting things on pause.”

4. Try Using Visualization

“One strategy I’m trying is to put my pain (and others too) in a box on the shelf, using visualization,” explained someone else in the group. “That way, I will deal with it later, if and when I’m more able. This is very difficult and requires practice but I think it’s worth trying.”

I have tried visualizations in my past as well, like “blowing bubbles,” putting the painful feelings in bubbles as I acknowledge them and let them go.

5. Be Kind to Yourself

Finally, there was the reminder to put my oxygen mask on first before I try to help other people with theirs. Acts of self-care go a long way toward emotional resiliency. In fact, in her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself author Kristin Neff, PhD, writes:

“One of the most robust and consistent findings in the research literature is that people who are more self-compassionate tend to be less anxious and depressed. The relationship is a strong one, with self-compassion explaining one-third to one-half of the variation found in how anxious or depressed people are.”

In the group, we talked about different acts of self-compassion, such as getting a massage or taking a warm bath. For me, I need to exercise every day in order to feel good. So there were times that I met up with my family later so that I could to get a long run in, or a swim.

Join “The Highly Sensitive Person” Group on Project Beyond Blue, the new depression community.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

Re-posted by http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/08/12/their-pain-is-not-your-pain-5-tips-for-highly-sensitive-people/

[wethearcticfoxes]

the mysterious Chameleon

Credit: https://sjmyles79.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-chameleon-effect/

One of the biggest and most challenging aspects of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often ‘The Chameleon Effect’ – or ‘mirroring’. This is the constant, unconscious change in the person’s ‘self’, as they struggle to fit in with their environment, or the people around them. It is, essentially, a fluctuating identity. It is the manifestation of a basic inability or difficulty in establishing a stable sense of self.

The presence of The Chameleon is often one of the main obstacles to effective initial treatment and diagnosis of BPD, as it effects the interaction between patient and doctor, and can mask the disorder itself. It also effects and masks the way in which BPD intersects with other disorders that may have developed in connection with it – creating a complex web of behaviours that can be hard to untangle. The irony is that, without diagnosis and treatment, most are unaware of The Chameleon, and it is only through awareness that The Chameleon can be managed.

Though I was diagnosed some time ago, and am now (relatively) successful at managing my BPD, I am only recently getting to know my Chameleon. BPD and its insidious brethren are ugly, unpleasant and unsettling things to deal with and perhaps it is the case that my mind slowly processes them at a pace it knows to be comfortable and realistic for me. Accepting the fact of BPD is one thing, but admitting to the presence of The Chameleon truly slices to the core of all of that pain and insecurity – all of which is like pouring acid on an already gaping wound, for an emotionally dysregulated Borderline.

Now that I am acknowledging the presence of my Chameleon, I am beginning to wonder if this is actually the key to everything. The whole kit and caboodle. The crux of the issue. From what I can see, everything stems from this lack of a stable self. Borderlines instinctively ‘mirror’ to fit in, because without that behaviour, we have no idea what will happen. We have little or no sense of our own identity, so we can’t know if that will be acceptable to others. Without acceptance by others, we risk abandonment, which is often an intense fear for Borderlines. Why do we have this intense fear of abandonment? Because if we are abandoned, we have nobody to ‘mirror’. The fear of abandonment is a fear of being alone. It is terrifying to be left alone with yourself, when you don’t know who yourself is.

Imagine being entirely alone, looking into a mirror, and seeing a total stranger. Or, worse still, seeing nobody at all. There is no ‘you’. That’s kind of horrifying, right? So you’ll go to great lengths to avoid that situation, because, as an emotionally dysregulated person who experiences feelings in extremes, that situation will put you headfirst into a tailspin.

Now, I feel as though I have almost finished this monster of a jigsaw puzzle. I am close to seeing the big, completed picture. Perhaps this explains the terrifying, recurring, childhood nightmares featuring facelessness. It explains the debilitating childhood fear of being alone – so intense it caused hallucinations (externalisation of anxiety). It helps explain why, as an adult, I regularly experience severe dissociation. It explains further why the coping mechanisms that have developed over time – such as OCD – mainly serve as attempts to exert control over external daily life, as internally there is chaos.

It also explains why I am regarded by others as something of a ‘social butterfly’, constantly flitting from group to group, person to person, being different things to different people, as required. It explains my inability to say “no”. It explains why my persona changes depending on whom I interact with – even down to my accent and mannerisms. These are not conscious behaviours, but I have become more aware of them over time. I have begun to catch my Chameleon in action.

This is all good progress for me, as it is soothing to have explanations and answers. But mostly, it provides hope for lasting recovery. If the central problem is an unstable sense of self, the answer must be to build a more stable one. I just have to figure out how. I believe I have started to lay the foundations, and I am incredibly lucky to have people in my life that are willing and able to see beyond my Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m under no illusions, however – this is a chronic illness and I will never be free of it. But I can have enough awareness to keep it at a low, manageable level. The next step is to continue working towards a stable self that I can have confidence in. Only then can I can tame my Chameleon.

Have I finally reached the pot of explanation at the end of my enormous psychological rainbow? I’m not entirely sure, but the ground certainly seems to be solidifying beneath my feet.

[wethearcticfoxes]

So watching two seasons of Suits made me very indignant about the importance (or lack thereof, in my opinion) of credentials and qualifications. If someone has clearly proven himself to be capable and intelligent despite not having come from a top school, why is there still an insistence that he will always be lacking in that area? There are brilliant people in all walks of life, not all of them choose the same path, not all of them choose to go to the top (ranked) school. 

But of course, if you’re the owner of your own Law firm and this is your company policy due to personal preference or showing support to your Alma mater (although there’re many other ways to do so), who’s to say you’re wrong for doing so. ?

[afadthatlastsforever]

I’ve always believed a person’s significance to you should be measured not by how long they last, or where they sit on the timeline, but how captivating and genuine your time with them was. You mightn’t be my final love, but between us, you’ll always be my favourite one.

Beau Taplin // S h h h h …  (via afadthatlastsforever)

[wethearcticfoxes]

The C H A S E

When it came to love, she enjoyed the thrill of the chase but seldom stopped to check whether happiness was keeping up.-Michael Faudet

[afadthatlastsforever]

Happiness is hard work, but feeling sorry for yourself will destroy you.

Beau Taplin || H a r d  W o r k (via afadthatlastsforever)

[thegirlwhocrieswolf]

And the weather was so damn sick of being predictable; I heard it began snowing in the Sahara and I wanted to tell you that I’ve changed.

Lang Leav (via langleav)

[wethearcticfoxes]

As a person who suspects herself of suffering from various mental struggles, this tumblr is dedicated to posts that I feel relate to and help me in some way or another, and hopefully you.