idk what im doing

why kick someone else’s ass when you can kick your own. This is my shitposting blog

[thefantastician]

is this relatable to everyone or just me

[lanayrusandsea]

[inkskinned]

probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.

we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."

at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.

the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.

the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.

what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.

here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.

[weatherdotpng]

it’s because you’re always in that damn time loop

[bakugowearscrocs]

I really really hope people go see Barbie in theaters wearing hyperfeminine barbie type clothing like how people wore suits for the minions

[housmania]

hey sorry your boyfriend fell into the public library book donation bin. yeah he’s being used to fund vital community programs and support services. yeah beanbag chairs too. if you pay your overdue fines we’ll give him back though

[nat-20s]

*survives the horrors by being such a silly goofy guy that my presence fundamentally changes the genre*

[unalivejournal]

big dog owners are like this is my dog Stink he weighs 110 pounds and if you don’t let him sit in your lap he will cry and kill himself forever

[prokopetz]

Having OCs is actually the worst because those little fuckers will talk about you behind your back.

[thyrell]

we talk about the dangers of needing to be the smartest guy in the room but i think even more deadly is the urge to be the FUNNIEST guy in the room.

[crittizen]

since the cowboy and the samurai were both dying out in the 1800s i want an action adventure historically wildly inaccurate comic about the last cowboy and the last samurai teaming up BUT one of them is gay and the other doesn’t understand what being gay is and there are multiple comedic mishaps resulting from this

[pancakeke]

this is a joke with no audience but I really wish there was a Wii U game that told you to look at the gamepad but then the gamepad just said "psyche" while simultaneously an enemy on the TV screen attacked you

[selfeating]

[afterword]

hey dude im on Loves You island and all of your friends are here too. what time are u planning on getting here? we are gonna order pizza

[draintheblood]

heard porn bots might be following you guys again. sorry about that. but in some good news i have been gaining many new followers who are real stunningly beautiful women. welcome ladies :)

[familyabolisher]

my unreliable ass could never be a narrator

[came2slide]

a veggie stew I made a year ago

[faerie-bunni-deactivated2026010]

Hi Tumblr welcome to my Primordial stew.