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[whatswrongwithpatrickanyway-blog]

I thought I was past this. It’s getting colder and darker, so maybe it’s that. But it's getting bad again. I don’t how to tell my friends or ask for their help, and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. My friends have their own problems to deal with; they don’t need another burden to be faced with. I’m really extraverted and being with my friends usually energizes me and cheers me up, but today I was absolutely miserable inside my head even while talking to them face to face. That’s bad for me. I’m sorry for this post if you read this far. Everything I write is pretty personal.

[whatswrongwithpatrickanyway-blog]

Ugh. I don’t belong here.

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Sigh.

[whatswrongwithpatrickanyway-blog]

hey why dont you post something normal?

Normal to you? Something that perfectly aligns with your views, beliefs, and experiences? I would if I could. But unfortunately, or fortunately, only you can do that. Everything I post is normal for me.

[whatswrongwithpatrickanyway-blog]

It's a curious thing, our infatuation with words and meaning.

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In a game where the net sum is zero, I tend to think that a wrong against a single person is a wrong against all of us in the long run.

[whatswrongwithpatrickanyway-blog]

Throwing something away vs having it stolen.

   "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." -Unknown

   Everybody who can experience emotion gets sad sometimes. This is a fact.

I'd say that most people have gotten sad to the point where they may have suicidal thoughts.

Some may have meticulously thought through their demise.

Some have written notes.

Some people have gotten so sad, that they've attempted suicide.

And unfortunately, some people have succeeded.

I am the third. I would like to say now that I am in no danger of any sort of self-harm, so you don't have to worry about that. However, I have had moments in my life where I've been so cynical that I thought there was no reason to live, and that it would not matter in the least if I killed myself. This was a while ago.

Recently, though, I was at a doctors office and they said there was some trouble with my heart. It turned out to be fine in the long run, but at one point they thought I might've had a potentially life threatening condition. (For those of you wondering, it had something to do with an irregular heartbeat, but I never really quite understood what those doctors were talking about with all their medical jargon). Anyways, they point is that I thought I was going to die. Which is kind of ironic considering how my general mindset had changed from the years prior of being so nihilistic.

I used to consider taking my own life, but when I feared it would be taken from me, my attitude did a dramatic one-eighty. Suddenly, every moment was precious, every dream and desire had meaning, and I was crushed that my life could be cut short. It was awful and I remember having an entirely new outlook on life. I realized just how precious it really is. I honestly wish I could've stored that new perspective in a mason-jar or something and re-open it whenever I need a little help getting a proper mindset. I'm also finding it a little ironic how the only time, other than early childhood I guess, when I had a really awesome and optimistic view on life, was when I was also really scared and sad that it could be over for me. I think life must operate on the basis of irony, because even with serious and somber matters, there's always subtle coincidences that are kinda funny.

That's all for now, take it easy

Patrick

[whatswrongwithpatrickanyway-blog]

Thanks for the follow! I loved that post you made about everyone not needing to be happy all the time and everyone having their own depression...I had just been thinking about stuff like that the other day and I think you were spot on. Followed back :)

Thank you! I was just thinking how the term "depression" can be really harmful. It kind of discredits the problems and feeling of those who haven't been to a clinic to get their condition "legitimized" by an institution that, let's be honest, is just trying to make a profit.

Obviously, those with severe depression should take responsibility for their psychological health and try their best to get it under control, whether it be through therapy, drugs...ect. I'm not saying depression isn't real; I'm just saying it shouldn't make the problems of those without a professional diagnosis any less significant.

Sorry for ranting on a simple and thoughtful message, it's kind of what I do haha. But thank you for your kind words, it really means a lot.

Have a good one :)

Patrick

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It's good to be alive.

My friends are everything.

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Right in the Feels

"I loathe myself today, and not in a way that produces beautiful art." -Unknown

I have very little to say tonight...just a quick thought, really. I have depression. And I know that everyone here has had their share of hearing about depression. So I don't have a sob story to write, but just a thought.

It might be nice if people would acknowledge depression in a friend, but more than that, just let it happen. That sounds weird. Personally, I would feel like such a downer if my friends had to gather around me every time I got a little sad. Like I would feel like a huge, huge burden. My friends know it's not their job to cheer me up. It probably wouldn't help much anyways. It's awesome whenever we can do whatever we would normally do, even on the darker days, without it being too much of an anchor weight. What I'm saying is that I don't want them to feel bad for me. I want them to care, but not feel bad. I think there's a difference.

But, if instead of treating it like a disorder, maybe it could be something they could embrace? I mean, after all, depression is a part of me, and obviously it can really suck sometimes, but it's still weird to me when people say it like it's such a negative attribute. I guess it is after all, but at the same time there must be some good things that come with it. Like being able to relate to people or something...I don't know.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here...I'll probably post an edited, more concise version of this tomorrow. Hopefully it'll make a bit more sense.

Have a good one

Patrick

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Coincidences...?

Disclaimer: This post will probably make me seem more crazy than I am. I assure you I'm a normal person with fairly decent social skills. My thoughts, admittedly, however, do wander to more obscure topics occasionally. Here are today's revelations.

Sometimes I feel like my life has already been lived. Maybe a better way of putting it would be: It feels like my life is already on track to be completed, step by meticulous step, in an exact, precise way, but I am completely in the dark about it. And looking back, I think "well that's the way that should've/had to have happened" quite a bit. Hindsight bias tells me that everything, even the tiniest details, all work together to produce the outcome that is the present. So I guess the question is: Do I get to change the course of my life (and by extension, everyone's life) via my choices?

Do we have free will? Whether you believe we all blindly follow a script written by a higher power, or you believe, quite simply, in the principles of cause and effect, free will in our lives seems unlikely (to me).

Given the first senario, perhaps we do have the power to make minor decisions, and make an impact on the universe in our own little way. But at the end of the day, "god" will see to it that his plans are kept, and his quotas met. So yes, your choices are your own and they are significant, in your own insignificant way.

Now, cause and effect, to me, is a little more interesting/terrifying. A brief example before I get to my point. Imagine an eight-ball in the middle of a pool table. If it is struck by the cue ball at a certain angle and velocity, it will go into the right corner pocket. Every time. Let me say this again. If the eight-ball is struck in exactly the same way every time, it will go into the right corner pocket, exactly the same way, every time. Now, replace the pool table with the setting of the big bang, and the eight-ball with the universe. The big bang, by effect, is the force applied, and what I'm saying is that in that first moment after the big bang, the very, very, very first instant the universe came into creation, everything that ever has or ever will happen is foretold just by the way the particles from the big bang moved in their first moments. Just like how you can predict, from the moment a force is applied to the cue ball, if the eight-ball is going into the right corner pocket.

Obviously, this is a bit of a stretch. And I have absolutely no credibility whatsoever to be talking about the big bang. This is just what was going through my head today at work to distract me from a particularly awful eight hour shift.

I hope you have a great day

Patrick

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Movies.

Today, I saw Cloud Atlas. There's a part of the movie (minor spoiler alert) where Tom Hanks' character learns the reality of his religious beliefs. It was a defining moment revolving around the uncertainty and doubt we all have regarding our own personal life philosophies. Shortly after his enlightenment, he finds his loved one dead, and viscerally puts his hands together and starts to pray but hesitates immediately afterwards. It was a really simple scene and I'm sure most people wouldn't even be able to remember this moment if I asked them, but it really spoke to me. Just in regards to how we can even take our religious beliefs (if you have any) for granted. It's never really occurred to me that that would be something you could lose. A defense/coping mechanism that could be taken away.  That's all for tonight, I guess.

Have a good one.

Patrick

[whatswrongwithpatrickanyway-blog]

Feeling glad today.

Maryland and Maine both voted to legalize gay marriage, and I'm really happy for all of the couples that can now finally be seen as legitimate by their state.

Also, Washington and Colorado legalized the recreational use of marijuana, which I think is a good thing, even though I don't smoke a lot of weed personally. I certainly don't think it should be a criminal offense.

Lastly, and most obviously, Obama won! I voted for Gary Johnson, but I was really hoping Obama would remain in office (I really disagree with Mitt's views). So that's definitely a plus.

On a slightly more depressing related note, it's really disturbing to see some of my friends fighting with one another over all of this. I mean, I love intelligent discussion and debate, but all of this slander and insult and just blatant racism is just SO immature. It's unbelievable. Two of my best friends support Romney, and I'm fairly certain we're still best friends, but it's appalling to me how suddenly divided everyone was today. So much hate spewed this way and that. I'm just glad my close friends and I got out unscathed. I must have picked some good ones.

[whatswrongwithpatrickanyway-blog]

Today I video chatted with one of my close friends whom I haven't seen since the end of summer, and she said I seemed more sad. She's coming back home for winter (she and most of the rest of my friends are spread across the country attending the college of their choosing) and mentioned in the chat how weird it would be for me to be so somber, and how I was always so happy and giddy. 

Now, it's true that I'm usually pretty upbeat around my friends, and last summer I guess I was in a pretty good mental state, but it still strikes me as odd that she would say that I was always happy, like that was my assigned role or something. Sometimes I wish people could talk about their depression without it being really awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.

Everyone has their own depression, right? I mean, I know "depression" is a psychological disorder, but in the interest of truly understanding people and not being so politically correct, I would like to suggest that everyone has their own depression. Even the happy, upbeat, screaming at the top of their lungs friend probably has suicidal ideations every now and then. And maybe it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's just weird to me that we never talk about it.

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Well then.

I'm not really sure where to start, or where to go from there, for that matter. Or really what I'm looking to get out of writing all this.

Hi, I'm Patrick. And I think I might have some issues. I have a lot of friends and loving family,  but sometimes, like most of us here at Tumblr Anonymous, I can get quite sad.

So maybe this will be a blog of venting, or something like that. Maybe just something to get my head organized. Either way, it will most probably be at least a little interesting.

Have a good one, 

Patrick.