Can the Wizard give me a social life?

Because, honestly, I wouldn't be on tumblr if I had one.

[whydoidothis2myself]

[nailpornography]

[ampervadasz]

[they-call-me-nita]

Turn the sound on, the only thing better than this dog’s joy is that people stopped what they were doing to share his joy, and you can hear them all groan when the water dies down….

[inthefallofasparrow]

Nine of Cups

[pocketss]

getting ready with the girrrlllss

part 1

[pocketss]

be there or be square

[o-kurwa]

[inthefallofasparrow]

XVI. The Tower

[phantomrose96]

I love tumblr. I love that tumblr is the best social media site of 2021.

Every other site has spent the last decade perfecting the art of targeted ads. I am a wallet of flesh and blood which must be stripped bare and profiled and picked apart for the maximally efficient way to squeeze profit from my presence. Every other site will fold and morph itself to a shape of my liking - like a fairy tale trickster stealing memories and taking their mold - to lull me into compliance and loosen my coin purse.

Facebook sees me searching fitness equipment and injects my timeline with athletic wear ads. Reddit profiles the subreddits I follow and eagerly promotes a new coding bootcamp or cloud service at every turn. Google overhears me lamenting over my moving to-do list on voice call and fills in my “how much to tip movers” query before I’ve gotten the third word typed out.

Tumblr never even tried.

They could have. The information is there. The basic infrastructure, presumably, exists. Tumblr can recommend me tags based on tags I follow, blogs based on blogs I follow, even posts that for one reason or another may strike my fancy. Tumblr could be - SHOULD be - funneling this framework into advertising, as the only means that free-to-use social media platforms can turn a profit in our capitalistic hellscape.

They just don’t.

Today I saw an ad for treating Hyperhidrosis - a condition, I think, in which a person sweats too much - and I saw it twice, four posts apart, and it is so incredibly benignly impersonally ineptly untargeted toward me compared to all other pinpoint-aimed advertising that I’m endeared to it. Tumblr knows NOTHING about me. 8 years, 51,000 likes, and tumblr has not learned a THING about me.

Advertisements for a mattress? Shitty mobile game ads that don’t make even the slightest pretense at being anything other than a candy crush rip-off? Choose-your-own adventure games either about Royal Espionage or Choosing The Wrong Dress For Your Date with ZERO in-between.

And then this. This here. The culmination, the crown-jewel of tumblr’s nihilistic non-compliance with the state of social media advertising. Any pretense of capitalistic exchange is abandoned at the gas station by the side of the road. This is not a company. This is not a product. This is not anything that fulfills the contract of consumer and seller. 

THIS. THIS IS WHAT TUMBLR HAS TO OFFER INSTEAD.

“Pour vinegar on your bread, fuck you.”

“Put it in the garbage, fuck you.”

“Your wife says you’re a fucking dumbass, fuck you.”

That’s it. That’s the advertisement. You vinegar-breadless cuck. You virgin extraordinaire bereft of bread and garbage can. I am fucking your wife right now in our vinegar-soaked motel bed. She puffs a cigarette which I pulled from the trashcan and we both laugh heartily at her recounts of your immasculine ineptitude. I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you. Fuck you. 

Amazing. Amazing. What a state of things to ring in 2021. What a great platform we all collectively choose to be on.

[biglawbear]

I started screenshotting my favorite ads

Just fucking take a bite out of your soap you piece of shit. Sleep with it and eat it

I don’t even know what this is trying to sell me. Tumblr doesn’t either. The ad doesn’t know either. Did I click on the link? Fucking absolutely. I think it was broken

Beautiful a+ 10/10

[nightapproaches]

A compilation of my favorites:

[phantomrose96]

Hi listen I know I’m OP but I’m losing my fucking mind over this.

[omghotmemes]

*epic latin chorus*

[weaver-z]

I rarely have a visceral reaction to a TikTok but this one… this one got me

[weaver-z]

List of wild things in this video:

- The guy whose computer screen you can see at the start is looking up “what to do if a dog has rabies”

- The unbroken wall of hydroflasks in front of the teacher’s podium

- Good Mythical Morning poster

- Inexplicable “NO TALKING DURING RAZOR LOVE” sign

- The guy next to the videographer just has the letters “WBOEOADRS” in giant font on his computer screen

- The teacher knowing to pause for booing after he mentione Ashe County Middle School

- The kid that yells “I hate them!” enthusiastically

- A sign that says “NO FREAKING” with a picture of two stick figures having sex

- Hand-painted “educasion is overated” poster

- The fact that the class knows to say “standing by” when he tells them to stand by

- The woman literally waiting outside the door to hand over the dog

- The tenderness with which he handles the dog before he announces its imminent demise

- “DO YOUR BUCKING VOCAB”

[passionpeachy-deactivated202312]

I know “slut/slutet” just means “end” in swedish but I literally don’t know how I’m supposed to compose myself looking at these images

[willyoufckinglookatthat]

[sarahseeandersen]

[lifs-stitches]

I regret not having more of these. I didnt think I would like them as much as I do!

[whydoidothis2myself]

I have a few blogs and every couple of weeks tumblr just deletes the notes for a few of them. Does this blog have followers? Has any body reblogged anything? Liked anything? Who knows certainly not me.

[catladycrafts]

How dp people take good pictures of these things? They turn and roll and just generally flop about anywhere but where I want them!

[catchymemes]

[yunolik87]

The only day we can reblog this

[fullcravings]

Easy Small-Batch Cinnamon Rolls for Two

[whydoidothis2myself]

I always need to save recipes like this to try because I grew up making double or triple batches of everything for 8+ people between me and my five brothers, our parents and the constant flow of friends, church members and relatives in and out of our house. Now when I cook for just myself I always have a minimum of 3 servings worth of leftovers if not more.

[luisonte]

Coño don limpio

[glitterhoney2]

mr clean off the shits

[lesbianralzarek]

am fascinated by the implication that this person thinks that a backflip clean out of his pants and onto a swing would be easier

[lystring]