Three Seasons of Derek Shepherd Pissing Me Off (A Thorough Review)
I’m rewatching Grey’s Anatomy for God knows how many times, and for some reason, only now Derek Shepherd and the way he treats women is making me so fucking furious that I actually wanted to dedicate an entire tumblr post to it. I’m already at the end of season three, and I’ve got a ton of complaints about this man.
Let’s revise what kind of shit he did to the women he’s dated so far. That's a loooong ride...
⚠️HUGE SPOILERS STARTING FROM HERE⚠️
1. He dragged Meredith into a love triangle.
I don’t have a problem with Derek not telling Meredith on the first night that he had a wife. That’s fine, they just met at a bar, they were going to spend one night together, they both thought they were single, and nobody was obligated to share more than they wanted that night. Considering the fact that the next morning Meredith forgot his name and immediately kicked him out — obviously not planning any kind of continuation — things could have gone differently. So that’s okay.
But when she showed up at the hospital, they officially met, and he realized he was interested in more than just one night, and he wanted to start some kind of relationship with her. At that moment, before starting anything, he should have told her he was still married. At least that he’s married but planning to get a divorce — like, it’s temporary. At least that. But he didn’t say it for one reason: because if he had, any decent woman would have told him, “Go fuck yourself, sort out your personal life, and after you’ve sorted it out, maybe we can get something started.”
Besides, Meredith fully understood that she was a first-year intern and he was an attending, and they stood very far apart on the hierarchy ladder. She knew it could hurt her career, and she tried to push him away, even though she was still drawn to him. And he didn’t help with that — because he kept coming at her, he wouldn’t leave her alone, he was constantly in her space, constantly flirting, and wanted more. He also fully understood that this could hurt both their careers — hers and his. And guess what? It did. Spoiler. Sorry.
2. He took the advantage of her.
Derek kept pursuing her throughout the entire first season. And the peak of this whole bullshit was (s1ep5) the party that I usually kinda glossed over, but this time, during this rewatch, it became so obvious and disgusting and vile that I was just like, “Holy shit, what a revelation.” So here’s what happened: Izzie threw a party at Meredith’s house, literally the whole hospital knew about it except Meredith herself. And Derek, of course, went there. And now pay attention (!) — Meredith came outside completely wasted with a bottle of tequila in her hand.
Derek showed up after a shift at the hospital in his own car (meaning he was sober), walked up to her (I repeat: SHE WAS DRUNK), and they ended up having sex in his car.
I mean what do you call that? He literally took advantage of her while she was most vulnerable. He also knew that sober she wouldn’t have said yes. That’s just some fucking asshole behavior, may I tell you. And yep, Bailey caught them seconds after. He got away with it, she didn’t 😍
3. He lied about himself while he was in a relationship with Meredith.
After that episode, they ended up in a relationship. They started dating, they actually became a couple, they lived together in her house. And he continued to hide information from her — not just that he’s married, but about himself in general. Barely, he showed her where he lived, barely told her anything about his life, his sisters and interests, etc. Like he’s some romantic, mysterious guy — which drives me crazy because it’s not romantic at all. It’s not romantic when you have no idea who you’re dealing with.
4. He chose to stay with his wife, but he continued to think of Meredith as his own.
At the end of season 1 Addison shows up to save her marriage, and we finally find out he’s married. Addison circles around Derek, trying to figure out if the marriage is worth saving. Derek is also in a state of confusion, not knowing what to do. But dude, you’ve been in Seattle for TWO MONTHS (at least that’s what we’re told). You ran away from New York. You had two months to figure out what to do with your life. What the hell were you doing? What were you thinking about?
Addison puts divorce papers in front of him and says, “That’s it, I have nothing left to do here. Either we get divorced right now and I leave, or you don’t sign papers, and I stay, and we try to save our marriage.” Derek wanders around with those papers like a lost puppy right after telling Meredith by the elevator, touching her cheek and all that, that Addison is leaving, and they can just continue their relationship. So he chose her — not directly, not literally, but still his actions and his words indicated that he chose her, Meredith (s2ep5).
And then he has the audacity not to sign the divorce papers. And then he has the audacity to corner her on the stairs to yell at her, saying, “Meredith, you don’t understand how hard it is to put an end to an eleven-year marriage” Like you wouldn’t get it, Meredith, lol. I was fucking floored when I heard those words. And I was floored even more that she didn’t react properly — she just stood there blinking when she should have told him to go fuck himself right then and there.
💡Look, I actually like Derek’s position regarding his eleven-year marriage. It’s one thing when you’ve been dating for say two months and you don’t really know the person, you don’t know what kind of relationship you could have with this person, etc. At that point, you can absolutely call it quits at any moment and not look back. But when you have +10 years of marriage behind you and there’s been a conflict that complicates things, I don’t think the right solution is to just tear everything apart and move in opposite directions. You’ve got +10 years of shared life — and there was a reason you got together in the first place, right? Things were good, you loved each other, you got married, you kept living together as a couple, and everything was fine until something cracked and led to a big conflict. So I think the right thing to do in that case is to try to save the marriage. If both partners still have the desire to repair things, why not? Actually, that’s the right thing to do. And in that regard, Derek did good.
But he’s not good for keeping Meredith around like he wanted to sit on two chairs at once — hang out with this girl, and also stay with his wife. And he absolutely had no right to yell at her like that, as if accusing her of not understanding his deep, complex feelings, lol. He said, “I’m hesitating about signing the papers, about leaving Addison.” He’s saying this to his — essentially — current girlfriend. What was she supposed to answer? “Yeah, sure, take your time.” Like, “We’ll stay together while you decide whether you want to end your marriage or not, and then you’ll come back to me with a decision, and what am I supposed to do? Where do I fit in this equation?”
She should have said: “You call Addison your family, you tell ME you have doubts before signing the papers — which literally means for ME that you have doubts about being with ME! What am I supposed to do in this situation, sit and wait until you decide? Decide what? To break up with me and go back to Addison? But while you’re deciding, I’m supposed to be understanding? You have doubts, but I have no doubt that I have no business in this relationship right now. Come back when you’ve figured your shit out. Maybe then we could have something. But as long as you have doubts, go be doubtful somewhere away from me.”
And he still had the nerve to stand there, blame her for something that wasn’t her fault, roll his eyes, yell at her. “To end in one day? I need a moment to understand the magnitude?” Dude, what have you been doing for two months in Seattle?! You had plenty of time to decide what to do with your life and your marriage, but you just decided to ghost your wife and screw a new girl. Bravo!
Anyway, Derek decides to try to rebuild his marriage with Addison. But that’s not the end of our shitshow. Because the whole time he acted like he was doing her a favor, and he kept reaching out to Meredith. Throughout his entire reconciliation with Addison, he behaves like an asshole to both women. First of all, if you’ve decided to rebuild your marriage, you should at least let go of the situation that led to this. But no, Derek acts like he’s doing Addison a favor. Yeah, she cheated, that’s true — she did cheat with his best friend, and that’s her fault. But you want to fix your relationship. You made a decision, so stop tormenting her.
💡Honestly, Derek tries to look good, that’s what I see. He tries to do the right things that would look right from the outside, but inside he’s just completely disgusted by having to do this, and he just tolerates it. And it fucking infuriates me.
At the same time, while rebuilding his marriage with Addison, he doesn’t leave Meredith alone. He still considers her his property, because he’s constantly in her orbit. Even Bailey had to ward him off at one point. There was a moment in some episode where Meredith was feeling bad, it was obvious to everyone. He wanted to “comfort” her, and Bailey stood between them so he wouldn’t approach and reopen those wounds. Like, I see no care in that. Just fucking let her go already, you chose someone else — go away. But no, he keeps circling around her.
And when he thinks she spent the night with Finn, what does he do? First, he goes back to his wife and has sex with her in the shower — obviously not thinking about his wife. Disgusting. Add that to the list. Second, he then accuses Meredith in the hallway, literally calls her a slut. Thank God she finally stood up for herself. She should have said more, because what the hell is this level of audacity? She’s single, you’re not together anymore. You still think she’s yours. But that’s your problem — she’s free to do whatever she wants, she’s been free to do whatever she wants for a long time.
And this story ends with Derek cheating on Addison with Meredith. I refuse to blame Meredith for this because — on one hand, yes, she’s also guilty, she knew this time Derek was in the relationship, but on the other hand — he had so emotionally attached her to himself that I think she was genuinely dependent on him at this point, kind of trapped and submissive. So yeah, I don't blame her. (maybe it's just that I want to blame Derek for everything right now, lol 🙂)
P.S. This isn't the end of my rambling, but tumblr's making me stop here. For anyone who’s interested – catch you in the next post.
