A Letter You Will Never Read
Hi. I want to text you today but I cannot. I should not. That would be selfish. Would it? Yes, definitely. But... no, it would. I thought today it would happen. Saw all the signs I wanted to see, looked for you in places I wanted to find you, and hoped that by 11PM I'd see your name pop up on my screen. Now that I'm awake and sober (mentally), I realize how unfair the world truly is. There is no happy ending for us. For you, maybe. I know there's someone out there just waiting to find you. She is kind, funny, maybe a little mean, but she makes you smile. She has soft eyes and softer touches. She holds your two hands without a second thought. She is loud, she is quiet. She is pushy, she is shy. She loves video games, she hates them. She is generous, she is greedy. She loves you. And that's what you deserve. And that's what you'll have.
So, I send this wish with the fireworks; that your heart will forget its sorrows and mend itself, I send this wish that your skin will erase my fingertips, your mind will scrub my smile away. I pray, that when the clock strikes 00:00, you become a little bit more whole. Your ears forget my voice, the snorts in my giggles. I pray, as you look into the sky and count down, each second soothes you. Each second holds your hand, unbuckles this burden and says: "You're letting go, you're letting go." I pray on January 1st, you are washed clean, breathe deep. I pray this love, wherever it is, whenever it finds you, finds you. My New Years' wish, is that you forget my name.
(Still, I am selfish in hoping that a little piece of me will remain, like a grain of sand snuggled in between your toes, or the smell of tomatoes and onions under your fingernails. I hope you still love me, I just hope it stops causing you pain.)
(I am selfish. I am sorry.)
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