My Period Journey
I got my period completely unexpectedly. I hadnât even been told a thing about it and was absolutely convinced something was wrong with me when I saw blood in my panties. I had to go, crying and scared, to my teacher. I had to sit, embarrassed and bloody, in the office and wait for my stepmom.
I was 9
The blood was thick, heavy, and I felt like I was going to throw up. My stomach rejected food, the part of my body I wasnât even fully aware of yet was now always sticky and wet and gross and I was told it was completely and totally natural. No one told me it was okay to be afraid. No one prepared me.
âItâll be over in a few days,â they said.
âIt wonât come back until next month,â they said.
I was 10
Sleep started to elude me almost completely, and then Iâd get so tired that my father had to literally drag me into a standing position so Iâd start to become conscious. My stepmom didnât explain that if my pad got full I could change it. She yelled at me because pads are expensive. I ruined almost all of my underwear because I didnât want her to yell at me again. My dad refused to acknowledge it had happened at all. He has four daughters.
I was 11
A sharp pain gripped my side and I could barely breathe. I didnât feel good. I begged to stay home from school. I was crying and clutching my side. Something wasnât right.
âItâs normal,â they said.
âDonât be so dramatic,â they said.
I passed out in science class. Woke up in the doctorâs office because my small town didnât have a hospital and was told Iâd had a ruptured ovarian cyst. I had four more cysts on my left one and at least three on my right. I needed to be on birth control and tested for PCOS.
I didnât even know what an ovary was.
I was 12
My dad flat out refused to get me birth control. Said I didnât need it. That there was no reason for a twelve year old to get on the pill. Iâd just start having sex and who knows what else and that was that.
Heâs a nurse.
I was 13
âWhat do you mean youâve gone through the entire box of pads already?â my stepmother demanded, loud, shrieking. âThere were 20 pads in there! How many days do you bleed?â
I didnât know I was supposed to count.
âWhen does your period start? How many days between stop and start?â
I didnât know I could count.
I started marking it all on my calendar. Some months there was nothing. Some months over half the days were filled in. I stole an entire box of pads from under the sink to hide in my room for my very own.
I was 14
New year, new calendar. I give my period tracking one to my stepmom and take her through it page by page. My periods last 10 days at the least. There is no consistent day my period begins and I show her.
âYou just counted wrong,â she says.
I was 15
My legs swell. My back aches. Iâve got a headache. I puke up my dinner and shit out my breakfast five minutes after I ate it. Iâve bled all over my bed.
âYouâre overreacting,â they said
âDonât be such a baby,â they said
I was 16
I canât eat for two straight days because if I do I will throw up. Iâm not sick. Iâm on my period.
Itâs normal, I think.
Iâm 17
I go through 40 pads this time.
Itâs normal, I think.
Iâm 18
I gained three pant sizes right before the blood shows up. I lay in bed all day with a heating pad across my shoulder blades, on my lower back, and one across my stomach. It doesnât really help.
Itâs normal, I think.
Iâm 19
My own money. No health insurance. I moved away. Saw a doctor. Iâm on birth control pills.
Iâm 20
The pills have stopped working at easing my blood flow. The doctor tries a new pill. It does nothing. The doctor tries another pill. I canât afford it. I donât go to the doctor for four more years.
Iâm 24
My girlfriend drags me to the doctor with my state health insurance. She tells the doctor about my symptoms. The doctorâs mouth opens slightly.
âThatâs not normal,â she says.
I bleed for 28 days straight.
Iâm diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The doctor asks if I want an IUD. Iâve never even heard of that.
My insurance pays for it. Itâs free.
âOkay,â I say.
âItâs worth a try,â I say.
I havenât had a period in months.
I am 25
My oncologist examines my medication list. âIUD? Birth control?â he asks. âYouâre married. Donât you want kids?â No. âWhat about your husband.â Wife. âOh.â
My GP is out of town. I see a new doctor. Weâre discussing surgeries. Is a hysterectomy an option?
âNo,â he says. âYou might marry a man who wants kids.â Iâm married to a woman and I donât want kids.
My dad is a nurse. He has four daughters.
âYouâre married to a woman. Why are you on birth control?â
âBecause I need to be,â I say. Finally. I say. âBecause I want to be.â
Because itâs my body. Period.
My heart aches for people like this who donât get the help they need and whose pain gets dismissed.
