i think edward elric entire military experience can be summarized as john mulaney’s “horse loose in the hospital” bit
there is a CHILD ALCHEMIST LOOSE IN THE STATE MILITARY!
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE CHILD IS GOING TO DO, LEAST OF ALL THE CHILD!
HE’S NEVER BEEN IN THE MILITARY BEFORE!
They interviewed a man who once saw a baby in a restaurant.
WE’VE ALL SEEN A BABY IN A RESTAURANT!!!
THIS IS A CHILD. LOOSE IN THE MILITARY.
@dalethesjtoddler
And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the child, and then, 5 miles under the capital city, an evil homunculus was like, “I have a huge transmutation circle and I’m going to kill everyone to become god!” And before we could say anything, the child was like, “If you even fucking look at Amestris, I will punch you to death with my fists. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can take my unresolved daddy issues out on you, I’m so fucking crazy.”
This post was written by Roy Mustang
Sometimes it’s not a bad thing, just surprising. Like, “Today the child did alchemy without a transmutation circle,” and everyone is like, “Huh, I didn’t know he could do that.”
The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the child at all. Those are the days when everyone is like “I think the child has finally calmed down,” and then the child is like “I just uncovered a government conspiracy. I went in that secret lab and snuck in there with my tiny body. I have a tiny body, but don’t you tell me that, or I’ll fuck you up,” and you’re like “That’s what I thought you’d say, you tiny fucking child.”
And then for a second we’re like “Maybe the government will fire the child,” and the child is like “I have dismantled the government.”
And its like, I didn’t know he could do that, that shouldn’t be allowed no matter who the child is.
Some people are like “There should NOT be a child in the military”
And I’m like “Well WE’RE WELL PAST THAT”
Some others are like “If there’s a child in the military, then I can do human transmutation with my daughter!”
And we’re like “Well those two things DON’T ADD UP AT ALL!”
