Requests: closed for now Masterlist | Fic Notifications Hiya, Iām Kam! (she/her, 20s) I write for Bucky Barnes and Din Djarin. I write and post 18+ content (with warnings), so proceed at your own discretion!
I've been meaning to make a post talking about my stroke because y'all got bits and pieces of the recovery but I never actually told the story of HOW it went down and the thing is the type of stroke I had is usually the type young people have and since having mine i've now heard multiple stories of people under 40 having very similar strokes and the scary thing is, is that they didn't get help right away. Because you're young and healthy and sure you feel weird but it'll pass right? but it doesn't, and it gets worse, and by the time you get to the hospital (some people literally take days to go) the deficits are worse and recovery is harder.
so here's a super long post about strokes in general, and mine in particular/what I went through.
So for strokes the signs are abbreviated BE FAST. Balance loss, Eyesight changes, Face drooping, Arm weakness, Speech difficulty, -> Time to call 911.
Had I known those MAYBE I would have figured it out but my symptoms were a little mixed. I was reading (fanfic!) in bed because it was a sunday morning and i had nothing pressing to do and suddenly got dizzy. I put my laptop aside because my eyes were blurring (Eyesight changes - symptom #1), and laid down, thinking it would pass, it didn't, it's a little vague how it progressed because I'd been having headaches and neckpain for about 3 weeks leading up to it so I was like 'idk is this a migraine?' (headaches can be a stroke symptom so symptom #2) but i got nauseous and eventually got up and to my utmost surprise I immediately fell over as if I was the drunkest of frat bros. The room literally spun before my eyes as I fell to the floor (Balance loss - symptom #3). I have had some Nights and I had never been that unsteady before. I crawled my way to the bathroom, threw up (nausea - not a common stroke symptom) , took 800mg of ibuprofen, and crawled back to bed.
if you know anything about ibuprofen you might know it's a mild blood thinner and that's a high dose. I may have inadvertently helped myself with that one. I was just feeling like shit and thinking 'idk this might help'
At this point I still thought we were still in Normal Land. Sure, it was a weird morning, but Surely There Was A Reason. (Yes There Was) Anyway, as I'm lying there willing my body to stop suffering I realize my arm is going numb (stroke symptom #4) and I switch positions, because weird, but it doesn't go away, and I gave it a good little while. I'm on a medication that can make my limbs tingle but it usually just does it to my fingers and it dissipates quickly but this wasn't dissipating, and then I realized one of my legs was also going numb. Then one side of my face is going numb.
(at the time I did not look in the mirror but I had a drooping eyelid - symptom #5)
Those all seem bad. I grab my computer and google 'when to go to the hospital for dizzyness' as that felt like the worst of my problems. and indeed the list I found highlighted that if you are also experiencing loss of balance, blurred vision, nausea, and limb numbness, you should see a doctor. That seems like far too many symptoms to be having all to be listed. I grab my phone (thankfully plugged in and by my bed), and start layering on more clothing because it's about 10 degrees out and i'm in a pajama dress. The very nice man at 911 talks with me and sends an ambulance, I tell him I don't think I can get out the front door of my building on my own and he asks if I can get to MY apartment door to which I say yes and he assures me that's fine they will have keys to my building.
(I have been since informed they love to chop down doors but no, I could get that far)
I wait by my door laying down on the ground and they arrive pretty quickly. They see to me in the hallway, which is more of a lobby in my building and the only place with room for me to lie down (I cannot stand unassisted at this point) they ask me a bunch of questions, take vitals, and ask me where I would like to be taken. Me, having never had to go to the fucking hospital in an emergency before, simply go 'wherever is close' because I again, I am having a stroke and do not have the wherewithal to think through these things.
A big firefighter helps me down the stairs (it's only a half flight and I still almost did not make it) and we get underway.
At the hospital they wheel me into triage and I mostly lie there gratefully and answer some questions and respond to some tests (grip strength, following a pen with my eyes, that sort of thing) and then I hear what is great when you've been at urgent care for two hours but what is Very Bad when you just arrived in an ambulance and that's 'She's next'. I jumped the line for a CT scan and an MRI. I was there less than ten minutes before I was actively being scanned. honestly closer to five.
my active symptoms seem to have been worse than some of the stories I've heard, not being able to walk AT ALL in particular, although some other are pretty equal (Footless Jo on youtube had a stroke around the same time I did of the same type and has discussed hers, she delayed going in despite the severity for a variety of reasons and it sounds like her recovery has been difficult) My recovery was pretty easy because i was actively being cared for and on blood thinners right away. I was pretty out of it in the beginning, but I was only in the hospital for 6 days and then in a rehab for another 4 to relearn how to walk and balance, then i was released unto the world and just spent time going to physical therapy and recovering for awhile. I was out of work for about 8 weeks total. I basically had the best outcome for a stroke. I recovered almost fully back to 100% (I'm about 2% less sure footed than I used to be, but it's rarely noticeable), my face still feels a little weird but has markedly improved so I live in hope it will eventually get back to normal. It massively sucked. But strokes can fuck you up for life and I came out a weird medical story to tell and have to take some extra medication now/precautions to take (i cannot do certain types of yoga, no weightlifting, no push ups, no going on rollercoasters.... things that could strain my neck essentially) but overall I escaped very lucky.
For anyone who has ever had covid before, please be sure you are aware of stroke symptoms. Each successive infection raises the risk in a pretty major way, and a lot of people are dying young due to not knowing these signs or being afraid to act on them. Please take care of yourselves.
I think a lot of people misunderstand why enemies to lovers is so popular. Itās quickly become one of the most pervasive tropes in many novels. Is it the banter, the tension? Thatās definitely part of it. But if that were true, then friends-to-lovers and literally any romance with good dialogue and characterization would scratch the same itch. For some, it does, but for manyā¦enemies-to-lovers just hits different.Ā
My theory is that it isnāt actually about love, not really. I think it fulfils a fantasy that no other trope can provide: the fantasy of being seen as an equal.Ā
Think about what specifically makes someone an enemy in fiction. Itās not just someone the MC dislikes, itās someone who can affect them in tangible ways, maybe even have the power to ruin them, challenge their worldview, expose their weaknesses, etc. The relationship begins with conflict because the characters are fundamentally opposed in some way. It doesnāt matter why, but theyāre fighting. There is a struggle for dominance.Ā
I would argue that the most impactful enemies-to-lovers moments are never the romantic moments, theyāre the scenes where power shifts. They BOTH lose: theyāre forced into a position that would have horrified them at the beginning of the story. They end up needing (or wanting) each other.Ā
Thatās why I think people are often disappointed when a supposed enemies-to-lovers story turns out to be a milquetoast attempt where theyāre just kinda mean to each other for a few pages, and then immediately start making out. Whereās the risk, the actual threat? If the characters arenāt capable of genuinely affecting one another, then the relationship isnāt actually transforming in a satisfying way. The appeal is in the fact that they have power over each other, because the eventual trust they build requires real surrender.
Because hereās the thing about enemies; they pay attention, and usually more attention than anyone else. They notice weaknesses because theyāre actively looking for them, they notice strengths because they need to account for them. They notice habits, blind spots, ambitions, fears.Ā
They study the MC with a level of scrutiny that borders (and later crosses) intimate, but unlike friends (or supporting characters in the MCās corner) theyāre not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, they donāt overlook flaws out of affection. Which is exactly what makes the eventual romance so satisfying. It feels earned.Ā
Itās easy to imagine being loved by someone who sees the best version of you, but itās an entirely different thing to be loved by someone who has seen you at your worst. Thatās why this dynamic often feels more convincing than romances where the characters are immediately into each other.
I imagine there are many who go through life feeling misunderstood, or worse, that the people who love them only love the polished, perfect version they present to the world, almost like impostor syndrome. But what if there was someone who couldnāt be fooled by this carefully constructed image?Ā
When someone more powerful chooses someone, maybe the fantasy is protection. When itās someone less powerful, the fantasy might be admiration. But if thereās someone intelligent and observant enough to see the MC as an equal, the fantasy there is the most intense and honest validation.Ā
Which means enemies to lovers was never about turning hate/annoyance into love, it was about turning power into vulnerability ā which is a terrifying loss of power, which THEN leads to intimacy.Ā
Something neuroscience-y that helps with prose: attention is selective. A character will not notice everything in a room. They will notice what matters to their goal, fear, desire, training, wound, or obsession. A jealous character notices hands. a hungry character notices food. A soldier notices exits. A lonely character notices pairs. Description becomes character when attention has a bias.
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listening to CDs in the kitchen i always brace myself for the ad between songs but then it just keeps rolling. skipping around how i like without interruption feels heavenly. we're in such a commercial angst prison that books and CDs are luxury now š
protect, pass on, thrift, gift, and store physical media, it's worth it