[The artist, putting a simple cake next to a much fancier one: āAw man, that guyās cake is way better than mine.ā The Audience, gleefully holding up a knife and fork āHOLY SHIT! TWO CAKES!ā]
I know itās not July yet, but guys, happy 10 years of ātwo cakesā. This post on god has been a godsend not only as a writer myself but as a friend of artists and writers who I love to encourage. This was legitimately a game-changer.
i think the funniest thing rocky does in the phm book is straight-up refuse to believe grace for multiple hours when grace explains relativistic physics. and then finally accepts it in the face of evidence but stays really pissed off about it. i wish we couldāve seen that shit like āwhere is einstein now, question, rocky just want to talkā
things that I believe in my HEART are on the Beatles' message to Earth (Project Hail Mary)
taumoeba (obviously)
instructions on how to use taumoeba (obviously)
50+ hrs of unedited footage of Grace fucking up a bunch of stuff in the ship
so much info about Eridian language
1700+ hrs of unedited footage of Grace and Rocky fucking up a bunch of shit in the ship
Cannot emphasize how much info on the eridian sentence structure there is here
a weirdass knit sweater pattern that takes people weeks to realize is for Rocky
literally hundreds of pages of Grace just describing Eridian linguistic history which like honestly isn't even his field why should we even listen to this guy- (hes the only one to ever fucking met an intelligent alien Dave. we'll take him at his word)
Why the Goldilocks Zone is for Idiots Part 2: Biological Diversity all across the Petrova Line (subtitled "We haven't found them yet BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THEY DONT FUDHING EXIST-")
what are essentially just those reaction videos "Alien watches Legally Blonde for the first time" "Alien gives thoughts on movie Cats (2019)" "You'll never believe what this Alien thinks of the movie Fantastic Mr. Fox"
Grace's modified cardigan charts because someone was asking for them on his Ravelry and he never actually got around to posting them
(people have already fully recreated this cardigan just months after his launch. but they appreciate it)
very respective, kind eulogies for everyone who died in this mission (Grace AND Rocky's crew)
a lace shawl pattern inspired by the petrova line with a beaded fringe. knitters everywhere weep in despair because those instructions are gOD AWFUL, the man had 0 (zero) test knitters AND THERES NO PICTURES FUCK
AND IF WE ARE GOING BLOODYMARY ROUTE WHERE THEY FIND AND RESCUSE SIMON BEFORE GETTING TO ERID- THEY SEE SIMON DO WEIRD SHIT IN THE BACKGROUND + MUTATED FUCK
Simon "yawning"* like a snake
Staring at Grace for no reason while he yaps to the camera (Very creepy)
him in dark corners, one eye faintly glowing (Rocky encouraged him to do it)
video on the blood ocean (made by Grace) {"THERE'S A MOON WITH HUMAN BLOOD???" WE KNOW DAVE WE ARE TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT TOO}
(if Simon still had the Blackbox) various images from the blood ocean.
Grace's studies on Simon's mutations ["the interesting thing is that when he yawns, he does it after he eats, so it's possible it's just him resetting his skull, like how snakes do! - yes I did see him swallow a burrito- he did eat the next one normally but it was still really interesting"] {"I don't get paid enough for this shit" Dave we all get paid enough for this shit}
Here's some of the notes, starting with the things multiple people brought up:
SHRIMP COCKTAIL:
banahbanah: #flashback to that one fic where Peter Parker frets about drinking shrimp cocktail because of the alcohol
generaldeliciousness: adding: what a prawn/shrimp cocktail is
#why is your character turning it down because they're under 21 #do you think prawn cocktail is a cocktail #this lives in my brain rent-free constantly #the rest of the fic was so normal #and good enough that i'll still re-read it #but bro
And then many, MANY, people wondering if this was actually authour mistake, since Peter really would do this!
POMEGRANATES:
zhajhassa: #haha where's that post that was like someone describing someone eating a pomegranate but they ate it like an apple
thornhands: #once someone wrote persephone biting into a whole Pomegranate #had to stop and stare at a wall for a minute
sungsingsanguine: I once saw someone very confidently write about a character eating slices of pomegranate.
FRUIT TREES:
zagreuses-toast: #given a very endearing glimpse into a writers blindspots by seeing them describe someone sitting under a ''pineapple tree''
salatrash: I remember something about picking watermelons... OF A FUCKING TREE
baander: #cranberry trees
DOUGH/BATTER:
maycelium: #I'm a chef so I'm really used to people not accurately describing how to cook food #But I was surprisingly flabbergasted when someone was writing making a cake and was kneading it. Which uh #Not necessary for cake. It was interesting for sure but just bizarre
livebloggingmydescentintomadness: #the one that drove me nuts was when a character set aside a batch of PASTA DOUGH 'to rise' #pasta doesn't have yeast!! #it does need to REST but it will never RISE #you do not want an airy crumb on your noodles
lovesodeepandwideandwell: #THE ONE WHERE THEY MADE COOKIES BY LADLING BATTER INTO A TRAY
Some other topics:
ANIMALS:
catenarwhal: #mandatory 'how cows produce milk' mention#i'll never recover from that one I fear
piromantic: #one time i saw someone fake their way through describing how spiders behave
pluto-lichen: horses
misskittypotter: #stardew valley faking its way through what fresh fish smell like
pa-pa-plasma: #saw someone faking their way through knowing what a seal is once #i still am fucked up over that one to this day. they just straight up did not know #& they were NOT good at guessing it either like it was clear they had never googled that animal ever #& was only just now realizing via answering questions from anons that seals are not!! what they assumed. initially
SEX:
dykevandyke: #what a prostate is #and where it is located #as in. external.
dreamyeyedrose: #I remember back in the ff.net days reading an Ichigo/Renji fic where the writer assumed the penises go inside each other #and I was like āI mean I don't know how it works for sure I don't have one but idk if that's how it worksā
SOME OTHER FOOD STUFF:
thetrekkiehasthephonebox: #add another one to the list bloggers#this character is cooking a salad
shosta: #still baffled about the published work that didn't know food could freeze
sun-dari: #once i read a fic where the author didn't understand cinnamon
alto-tenure: #read something recently where the author was just. blatantly wrong about spices
dramatic-dolphin: #i saw someone try to fake their way through what ramen is once. like 14 years ago.#but i remember.#i was very confused about ramen for a few months. they were writing it so authoritatively.
the-celery-stalks-at-midnight: #i will never ever forget someone putting leftover fries in the microwave to reheat them and setting the timer for five minutes
typeghost: #this sparked a memory of a hannibal fic where the author had to fake their way through writing about gravy
draculin: #the one fanfic where the author knows about coffee only as a concept wrote a character as a coffee drinker#was very interesting#I don't remember the fandom or the plot but I was mesmerized by the coffee actions and choices
11235811235811: #there's a lot of faking their way thru congee in the svsss fandom i'll also note
fishali3n: #read one where the person clearly didnt know what tofu is
emmy-everafter: #in the aftermath of shadow and bone s2 i saw a lot of people pretending to know what stroopwafels are #babes they are more like cookies than breakfast waffles #like yes there is a waffle pattern but you're not gonna cut into a stack of them with syrup and sugar#š¤£š¤£š¤£
NON-FOOD STUFF:
red-umbrella-811: Shoutout to Dame Agatha Christie for faking her way through what a wrench is in a very popular published work.
bluebeetle: #once saw someone have a character put an entire phone book in their pocket
nonametis: #- sex talk in languages other than english #<- or just the petnames in a different language other than English
sadisticpony: #the fanfiction i saw this week where op DIDNT KNOW HOW AUTOMATIC DOORS WORKED #and that they arent in peoples homes!!! of course. also opening the automatic door for someone is unironically very funny but its not #its not like. grabbing the door handle to let someone in. helpppp
danmeichael: #reminds me of the fic with the figure drawing class where the character started with the feet. #i love you feet first figure drawing author
meowmix1100blr: #me watching this one fic absolutely obliterate what the board of directors does
vexedhexes: #one time i read an architect character making a doorway bigger by building a bigger door #what a beautiful world. #OH. also gravity falls fic where they go 'oh piedmont is in california so its warm all year round'
leveragehunters: #characters going to a beer garden #And it's literally a garden outside the pub#It was a very cute mistake
fitofpique: #yes! #grown men do not get blind drunk off two beers #but i am possibly guilty of the hypothermia one #assuming it does not make you very horny?
dadvans-likes: #always thinking abt the soup kitchen fic #the entire setting of the fic was 'soup kitchen' #and i very quickly realized #the author did not know what a soup kitchen was #and they thought that soup kitchens only served soup #fic
msmargaretmurry: #i love fanfiction #once read a fic where the characters played 20 questions #but the author seemed to not know how to play 20 questions and was just kind of winging it........ #immaculate
shakespeareaddict: #Look I know not all of us are hockey experts #But it takes about ten seconds of research or any attention paid to the show to realize #That the Stanley cup playoffs are not in fucking September
baejax-the-great: #the funniest one i saw #was someone faking what church is like #like 1. they really didn't have to write an entire church experience for their fic #and 2. they had clearly never even watched a show where people went to church #it was bonkers weird
twosunson: #things ive seen authors faking #knowing how to unclog a drain #knowing. literally any history #knowing what ketamine looks like (apparently- oregano) #(you know who you are)
waterhorseyblues-ao3: #beltane being celebrated in winter #wales being portrayed as a completely separated land from england (i wish) #characters getting up after weeks of bedrest like that dosnt completely fuck you up
violetfairydust: #i once read a fic where the flight time from london to seattle was 3 hours
purekesseltrash: One time, in a fic set specifically in Des Moines, IA, two of the characters casually drove 20 minutes to the ocean. The memory continues to delight me. I want to know where that author thought that Iowa was.
the Hail Mary is the opposite of idiot-proof. she's built for very smart people to be able to do Whatever They Need with every tool they have in order to achieve their goals. fucking with the centrifuge settings? i'll warn you that you're messing with important stuff but go right ahead man. ripping up the floor panels and pulling out the electricals to make a really unsafe extension cord? sure why not. pop off the fucking fuel tanks? yeah ok you're the most qualified person here and if you say you need to do that who am i to argue. i love the utter lack of guardrails on everything
Honestly, at this point, if you're still bitching about AI but not moving to open-source and nonprofit software/tech/services, you deserve it. Shut up or stop using it. Those of us who've put in the effort to switch to non-evil tech are sick of the purposeless whining.
I've been nicely letting everyone suggest open source on this post because it might genuinely be useful to someone but because you've decided to be a condescending little bastard- this might be a hard concept to grasp, but some of us actually have jobs. Some of those jobs also provide us with computers equipped with an OS we have zero say over, to use software we also have zero say over. Kindly get off your high horse and suck my dick.
As someone who has worked in IT for the past 17 years, I'd also like to say that there is often a higher barrier of entry for open-source software / operating systems when it comes to technical knowledge and ability, and those who can't jump that barrier still deserve to not have AI programs installed on their devices without their knowledge or consent. Someone who struggles with Windows is not going to be able to just hop into Linux, especially when they probably have other things going on in their lives and don't have the time to sit down and learn a brand new operating system. Someone who doesn't even recognize that there are different browsers, much less open-source ones that aren't Chromium forks, isn't going to be able to seek out one they can both a.) safely download, b.) install, and c.) use instead of the shortcut they know as The Internet.
And sure, you can dismiss these people as lazy, as stupid, as being elderly and so who cares. But from my 17 years of experience, I can tell you that technical instinct and ability varies widely across the entire adult spectrum. And I can also tell you that people have different strengths, and that just because someone isn't good with computers doesn't mean they aren't smart as hell.
And I can also say, again, that it really doesn't matter.
Companies like Microsoft and Google sneaking AI software into devices and software without the consent of those using the software or devices is wrong. It's invasive and raises major security concerns. People should not have to learn entirely new operating systems to escape this nonsense. It's an unreasonable expectation, and it fails to hold companies like Microsoft and Google accountable for their malicious behavior.
As a Millennial, I'm also going to point out that my generation (at least the second half of it) was taught in school how to use computers.
Gen Z did not get that privilege.
They were called "digital natives" and people assumed they'd "just pick it up" without ever considering that everything else we ever "just pick up" is taught to us. We don't just sing the alphabet one day, someone taught us the song and that the letters mean things. We don't just start talking out of nowhere, we learn it by observing how the people around us do it, which is why you do not see a Mexican toddler spontaneously speaking Chinese.
At the same time that we decided we could throw Gen Z to the digital wolves, companies like Microsoft and Apple started making their software harder to access. When I was a kid, we could (and did!) poke around our computers' virtual guts for fun. We learned to download custom desktop icons and screensavers and where to put those things to make them work; we ran Napster and Limewire and had to sort the resulting files; we had to know where stuff went because autosave didn't exist yet.
Today's kids and teens are not having that experience. Indeed, today's kids and teens don't know how to access hidden files because there's no toggle for it anymore. I met a teenager last year who had no idea what "local memory" was because her entire life she'd been encouraged to "save to the cloud." If she had to set up Steam she'd be fucked.
A lot of the younger generations literally don't know they can do this, because they've been let down by an educational system that decided you could learn computer literacy the same way you learn to walk. And megacorps have taken advantage of that all the way to the stock market.
For fuck's sake don't be an ass to people who don't know. Teach them. Or direct them to someone who can.
From the Nashville Zooās fb page! Hereās the petition, please please please take a moment to add your name (even if youāre not from Nashville!). If you are from Tennessee, contact your representatives and make it clear that the people do not want this data center. This is an AZA accredited zoo which is home to several species of critically endangered animals, we NEED to protect it. Make your voice heard!
time travel AU where r2d2 is the one who goes back to the clone wars but not in the standard āsame body new memoriesā way. now thereās just two r2s running around the galaxy: one trying to kill the chancellor and another that could be easily convinced to kill the chancellor. their meeting wouldnāt have any time travel ramifications besides doubling the number of r2 units trying to kill the palpatine. this efficiently doubles as c3poās personal hell.
hilarious how grace is wandering around that aircraft carrier thinking i'm just a guy. meanwhile his security clearance is technically on the same level as the actual eva stratt herself
#phm#in the book he's like#'my office is technically a storage closet. they're gonna kick me out of here when we resupply. i'm about as important as toilet paper.'#man you live on a boat. how many other people on the boat have an office at all.#you're the guy who looks at the paperwork and signs shit that's not worth bothering stratt over#which you can choose to interpret as either not very important or VERY IMPORTANT INDEED.#you're the guy who says 'yeah i think this plan is scientifically feasible'#to which stratt says 'okay my pet scientist says it'll workā let's go ahead and pave the sahara.'
Image if Grace did the "OKAY MY HAND IS UPšš¼"
But to the room full of world leaders bombarding him with Astorphage breeding questions when he arrived at the Vat. Like he JUST got there and he's dizzy and sick and they were all shouting and muscle memory just kicked in, you gotta believe him, he wasn't even thinking.
They'd all be so shocked it would work though.
He'd have .001 second to panic, like did he really just do that, and then its either control or loose control of the room just like any middle school class.
He'd still have his hand up like "Okay. Who wants to go first."
And Eva would watch like three people actually, legitimately, raise their hands and wait to be called.
She'd be like I shoulda kidnapped this guy sooner lmao what
