teya

she/her | 20 | bl, fanfiction | currently watching "kinnporsche", "sky in your heart" | waiting for: immortality

[yetaeso]

one thing about young royals is that the main problem is not homosexuality. you can see simon and that wrecked marcus boy kissing every chance they get, out in the open, in public, where everyone can see them. and no one reacts. no one bats an eye. they don't care, they don't even see them or acknowledge them at all. it doesn't matter that two random boys are there, out in the open, doing whatever.

wille is a prince. and since he is a prince, it matters.

simon is just a random boy. wille isn't.

homosexuality is not a problem. royalty is. that's what took wille so long to understand. that's what people care about. not about simon. not about marcus. not even about willhelm himself. they only care because wille is someone important.

and that's why he was ready to risk everything. royalty doesn't matter to him. simon does.

[yetaeso]

you don't understand how terrible i felt watching pete pretend he is fine, in front of kinn, in front of porsche, in front of everybody. not because he was actually scared of being vulnerable, but because he was scared of what they might do to vegas if they knew. and with that fear, he already made a choice to protect vegas and to love him despite the pain the choice brought. pete was abused and tortured, enslaved and manipulated and he fell in love with someone who might do him more harm than good, but still he chose not to hurt vegas.

and that is one big difference between the two of them.

vegas hurts pete every time he gets scared of being abandoned. while pete hurts himself.

[yetaeso]

vegaspete in horny jail

what completely blows my mind about vegaspete is the fact that “the bad one” is supposed to be vegas, right? and then we have pete, 

who is not only uninterested with being scared by violence and torture. and not only is he not scared, he likes it. IT MAKES HIM HORNY ??? 

like, pete is so cute and smart and he is this big bubble of joy and he is this incredibly good person who sees the best in every bad situation. but he also likes torture and violence and enjoys being severely hurt which totally makes me want to pull out my hair because just wow>?????? im supposed to be scared of vegas but here i am completely distressed by pete

[yetaeso]

i think this part had a really great impact on me, mostly because homophobia is a very often reaction in bl series. not just in fiction, but in reality, too.

but, his mother here, as we can all see, is not like that. and neither is his father. they talked about it, acknowledged that pran's partner could be a boy too and that was it. there was no fights, no arguments of even a slight grudge at pran in any sort of way. they accepted that love doesn't equal gender or anything, it just equals... itself.

and for a moment, i was impressed to see such strength in a family until i got a bit smitten by the next words that came out of her mouth.

in reality she said "pran, you are my son and i love you so your happiness matters the most to me. you can be with anyone you desire, no matter the gender because love at the end of the day is love....

but you can't be with the boy next door (pat)."

AND WHAT A COINCIDENCE!! what a coincidence that the only person pran cares about, the only person he loves happens to be the only person his mother (parents) despise.

we still haven't recieved a reason, but it doesn't really matter.

what matters is the way his mother said it, the way he reacted to it, knowing he couldn't say anything that would change her mind. she said it calmly, giggling afterwards, implying that it was already settled, that she made up her mind and there was nothing that could convince her otherwise.

so pran looked at her, with zero will or courage to fight her. to defend pat, to say he isn't even half as bad as they think.

and it makes me wonder... how terrible a relationship between a child and a parent must be, that the child is afraid to sit down and confess to his mother about the feelings he had been hiding.

"you know mom, i know you hate him and i wish i could talk to you about it because i really love him so much and i feel like it isn't fair towards us kids who did nothing wrong"

but instead, he knew he could never actually bring himself to say anything. in fear of losing pat, in fear of getting transferred again, in fear of losing the last bit of freedom he has left.

so he sat down, looked at her for a brief moment and continued eating.

[yetaeso]

there is something insanely incredible about pat and that's his capacity to understand pran and his emotions even when he himself thinks that pran is totally unknown to him.

remember how in episode 6, he told pran that he just doesn't understand him? he does, but he just doesn't know it yet.

probably other people wouldn't even look twice before barging in pran's place, but pat saw the sign on the handle. the face was not happy on the sign and he immediately knew pran was sad and anxious about something since he uses the door sign to show his feelings.

so he forgot everything he meant to do or say and instead he came in the room, with a big smile on his face, and he knew the only mission should be "how to make pran laugh". and he did it almost flawlessly. pat is pran's happy place and as long as pran has pat, he will never be alone no matter what.

pat teases him a lot, but he never fails to show his love and support alongside the jokes. how can you ever wish for a better partner?

[yetaeso]

DON'T SAY NO THE SERIES EP 11 SPOILERS

give me a teeny tiny second to talk about leo in episode 11 real quick.

now i know this isn't even leo we all know, and i have A LOT to say about the way they fucked with this character, but i'm going to leave that subject for my next post because i know i'm gonna get hella heated and this post is meant for a soft moment right now.

i just want everyone to stop and look at this picture of leo. this, THIS RIGHT HERE, is my favorite moment of the entire series. now, you may wonder why because it's basically a break up scene and a pain in the ass. look, scene as a scene was good, hurtful, full of miscommunication, lack of trust, not enough character development, i get all of it.

but BUT, just hear me out.

i think ja (the actor who plays leo) outdid himself with this masterpiece of an expression on his face.

leo here is yelling, being all accusing of fiat, making excuses and just being not leo at the moment lol. for the first time, fiat is the one who is silent, calm, calm cries, silenced tears, racing heart. and leo is the one who has a lot to say (but unfortunately, nothing smart 😐).

the roles are reversed and seeing fiat this way makes me so sad.

BUT BUT BUT, after all of the things that happened in this scene, leo did not, not even for one single tiny moment, not in any form or way, not even in his dreams, he did not think about breaking up. you can see it on his face how badly it shocked him, how hard it hit when fiat said that they should just go back to being friends. MAN WAS IN DISBELIEF. because even after all the drama and bullshit that happened before and during the scene, leo believed in love that fiat has for him. so i know it hurted real bad because look at that expression. he didn't even think about breaking up, so the sudden news coming out of fiat's mouth were like a punch in the gut.

i shed a little tear for him here. i'm sorry 💀

[yetaeso]

i finally finished watching light on me. sorry for being ia, i had some irl stuff going on so i didn't really get to watch many bls in a long time. BUT i did finish this one and oh boy do i have quite a few things to say.

first of all, shin woo. that boy might just be one of the best characters ever written. and he is in all aspects a character worthy of being called a comfort character. and not in a "he is so perfect, i wanna marry him" sort of way. he is far from perfect, which is basically normal and very REAL given the fact that perfect people don't exist. so i really like that they showed him as a very good person with some struggles and traumas that resulted in him not acting all kind and nice at the first glance. i like that realness in the show where a character who is basically gay doesn't go around being "i'm gay", but he also doesn't go around hiding who he truly is. (don't get me wrong, both situations are valid but there are also people who just don't give a fuck about going around denying or confirming their sexuality as if that's something that matters, just let people love each other, gay people don't owe you an explanation). he just chooses not to say anything and not denying means people are gonna spread rumors and he just doesn't care and i absolutely adore that about him. sure, it took a lot of struggle and bullying and wishing he wasn't who he is, so he would now be like "i am who i am and i don't give a heck what you have to say about it". but then again, he is definitely NOT perfect. he isn't very sweet and hostile, he isn't talkative, but he is good. he loves tae so much. he makes him feel so good. he loves his friends to the point he would give up his own happiness to save theirs. we saw how he gave up on tae so da on would be happy. and the things he does for both of them are just so precious. that boy is a very good character and i enjoyed watching him. not to mention that kang yoo seok is an absolute beauty and he rocked this character !!

i don't have much to say about tae kyung. he is a very complex character, definitely not so easy to read. he is a bit weird, different. not necessarily in a bad way, but definitely not a person you can meet whenever. i like that uniqueness about him. he just says and shows what he feels and means and it's a good trait. sure, it can make his feelings get hurt very easy, but he likes to feel everything raw and just move on if it doesn't work or stay there if it does. he has no time to waste. i feel like he wants to feel it all and if it doesn't work, he will be sad for a while, but he won't dwell on it. it's a good character, definitely something we need in the bl representation more.

SHIN DA ON !!! I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE !!! i hate how easily he became my comfort character the moment i played the first episode. the pure kindness in his heart, the constant need to help and please others because he just wants to be noticed and appreciated SO BAD, but constantly fails to be so. and i blame all that family trauma for it. his parents suck real bad. but, as i said, he too isn't perfect, but while shin woo doesn't want to prove anything and just lives his life how he wants to, on the other hand, da on tries his best to please and make everyone else proud and happy, no matter if it makes him comfortable or not. but you know what they say: you can be so good to someone and they will still break you apart with no mercy. and that's what everyone does to da on. e v e r y o n e , starting from his own parents up to his friends (not considering tae, shin woo, shi woon and mr seo) and up to the girl who claims to love him and all those random people who always asked for all sorts of favors but never appreciated it enough. he tried so hard to fit into that mold other people made and even though he got blisters on his palms and tears behind his eyes and even though his limbs ache from trying to fit in SO BAD, he did it so flawlessly for such a long time, never showing that he actually isn't okay at all. and it absolutely pains me. because his character is a good character who just tried to be liked by everyone, he wanted to prove that he was worth the love and affection and good enough for people to consider him a friend, or a son or a lover. but people just never appreciated it enough. that's why he couldn't be a person tae kyung likes, he couldn't be someone who is not considered likable in a society that he tried so hard to please. and i understand that. being a queer person in this world is very hard on it's own, adding his insecurities and trauma on top of it is even worse. he felt like he couldn't handle it, like it wasn't supposed to be like this. and in that constant need to prove himself to others, he kind of lost the track of his own self. he doesn't know how to love who he truly is, not because he doesn't want it, but because he has no idea who he is. and i think that's something he needs to work on FIRST before getting a lover, before breaking any more hearts. and i adore how he actually ended up changing and figuring that part out at the end. slowly, but he is getting there. i think he understood it eventually, too. that's why he gave up on tae when he saw that things just don't work like that. we miss chances sometimes and as much as it can be painful and as much as we regret them, we can't get them back and da on knows it. he finally knows it. and i'm happy for him, he is finally learning who he is. and my opinion is that he deserves all the happiness in the world. i fell so deeply for him.

i didn't want him to end up with taekyung, not because i thought he wasn't fitting, but because i felt he needed to explore himself more. he deserves love, so much love. and i hope someone will be able to give it to him eventually.

i won't say much about so hee. she is that typical girl in bl dramas that has to ruin something lol. but i'm glad she ended up figuring out her mistakes and that she fixed whatever she could in the end. it shows some kind of growth even though i could never forget what she did to da on. you don't hurt the people you love.

haet bit is a good teacher, a good senior. i adore him so much, he is just a ball of fluff and sunshine. all those things he did for his students and taekyung make me feel so emo. really a senior you could wish for.

and of course i saved best for the last. my precious baby shi woon. one little ironic, funny and caring mf. i fell in love with him in the first episode. he is just so perfectly good and nice to his friends and he has no chill if u dare say shit or do stuff to his friends and i absolutely live for that. he is a huge marshmallow in general but if you dare touch his friends, he will bite your hand off. i like how he just knows everything but choses to stay quiet in some situations and then help in other WHEN it seems fitting enough, he really cares a lot. the scene where he is pretending to barf in front of shin woo and tae flirting still gets me.

overall, this series was a great experience and i really enjoyed it. it wasn't too deep, too smutty or anything like that, but it was very fun and very meaningful and it just showed the real side of being a teenager. i'm not saying all bls should be smutty, deep or stuff like that btw. i'm just saying, it was a package where nothing outdid the other, like kissing scenes weren't better than deepness of it and the other way around. it was a little package and everything was not too much, but just enough. i really really liked it. i give this series a 9/10. it was a great experience and if i have time, i would want to rewatch it. absolutely gorgeous. <3

[yetaeso]

when mary ruefle said "hands are unbearably beautiful, they hold onto things, they let things go" and when mitski sang "i don't know what to do without you, i don't know where to put my hands" and when richard siken wrote "i take off my hands and i give them to you but you don't want them, so i take them back and put them on the wrong way, wrong wrists" and when bukowski said "the best often die by their own hand just to get away, and those left behind can never quite understand why anybody would ever want to get away from them"

[yetaeso]

apart from shi de x shu yi scenes, my favorite part of today’s episode was shi de calling shu yi’s father “お父さん”. it basically means father in law or it’s used to call someone else’s father. 

his presence, his confidence and the way he whispered that shit in japanese when there was no reason to do so. i think i lost a lung, shi de is hot in all aspects i can’t lie about that 

and then shu yi’s father was like: *slams fists on the table* WHO U CALLING OTOSAN ??? DO I LOOK ???/

[yetaeso]

dao ming si from meteor garden and zhao shu yi from wbl sit at the same table. giving me very much the same vibes. well, one is painfully straight and the other is not good at being straight whatsoever, but somehow they still have the same vibe

tell me i'm wrong... you literally can't

[yetaeso]

i think that not many realize that shu yi’s defence mechanism is anger. he used and still uses his anger to cope. because without it, all he has is just raw pain and sadness. and that pain would cut him in half, shu yi is not that much of a strong person the way he wants us to believe he is. without his anger, he is nothing in terms of him standing against the pain shi de caused him. if he needed to face shi de and the heartbreak that shi de carries, without the anger, shu yi would crumble and fall into pieces.

it makes sense, let’s rewind episode 3.

let's talk about how shu yi's quiet behaviour broke me in that episode. let's talk about how defeated shu yi seemed in that episode, how utterly sad he looked. let's talk about how the truth killed his anger and his physical language, all those things he knew how to do, all those things he was good at. let's talk about how he just sat there on the couch, how he listened to shi de without a word. let's talk about how he nicely begged his father to just go and leave him alone. let’s talk about how he didn’t put much of a struggle when shi de carried him to the hospital/bed/made him lunch. let’s talk about how he didn’t put any fight when shi de pressed his body against shu yi’s and how he only shut his eyes, to not see, to not feel, to not hear.

he didn't yell once, he didn't sound mad and furious once. he didn't even raise his voice. he was just defeated, lost in all his heartbreak. 

now don’t get me wrong, shu yi in general is a very tough and strong person, i can’t say nothing about that. he truly is a strong character. but when it comes to shi de, if he doesn’t use anger to cope, he breaks. 

[yetaeso]

ok but when shu yi pushed shi de and shi de BONKED his head on the bed frame so hard the camera caught the sound I FUCKING LOST IT. mans got an entire concussion AJHAWH

[yetaeso]

all i can think about is that “i will give you another chance” scene and shu yi kissing shi de’s forehead. their wet pillow sheets from crying and shi de gently putting a bracelet on shu yi’s wrist. their cute little laughs and shu yi’s head on shi de’s chest, shu yi’s hand around shi de’s neck...

when i tell you i cried 

[yetaeso]

this is what shi de saw when he met shu yi for the first time in five years:

PLS ITS 2 AM AND I CANT STOP LAUGHING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

[yetaeso]

i think wbl is one of those rare types of bl shows which portrays love in such simple moments. like, shy touches, laughter, doing something small for the other person, noticing what they like, their interests... don’t get me wrong, we all love some kisses and hm scenes, but to me perosonally, you can kiss or have sex with anyone? love doesn’t have to be involved.

but those little moments where you can just feel their love through the screen. the things they say, touches they share and when they look into each other’s eyes, it’s so beautiful honestly. every single small thing isn’t even small to begin with if you think about it. 

i realized this after the bed scene where shu yi cried, you could literally see all the emotions purring from his eyes as shi de was on top of him, begging one more time before he gives up. and that’s something good actors do. it makes you feel as if their love is the realest, most important thing in the world.

wbl outdid a lot of bl shows when it comes to that, ngl. 

[yetaeso]

2GETHER THE MOVIE ??? DID I SEE THAT SHIT RIGHT ???? IT’S TRENDING ON TWT WHAT IS GOING ON HELP 

[yetaeso]

"You once told me there are things that cannot be undone."