is it raining where you are?

TFB enthusiast|digital journalist|space is created, and this is mine|WWBD|trying to become a better person|slave to the workforce|college student|late to the game but right on time|Lost the love of my life|Death could never separate us completely

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

Controlled Chaos

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

Life moves at this steady pace when most of the time I wish it would stop. I'm not ready for the world to move on from the fact that the love of my life died almost a year ago. And yet? It already has moved on. In some ways I have to and when I notice the passage of time within myself I am filled with guilt and shame.

I was driving home from work today and it had been raining on and off all day. The sun kept trying to come out but never fully managing too. Sometimes I just talk to Chance out loud especially when I'm in the car and I told him that I missed him and I missed coming home to him because he always made me feel loved, safe, accepted, and warm. Just as I was pulling up to my house the sun broke through the clouds right over top of my house and I knew it was Chance. He was letting me know that I was loved, safe, accepted, warm, and home.

Grief has a way of making us lie to ourselves about how we should feel or conduct ourselves in the absence of those we have lost. I'm grateful that I get such beautiful reminders to take it easy on myself and lend myself a little grace.

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

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[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

I miss him entirely. My life keeps going on steadily almost as though his existence never was and who I was with him was a dream. I have found a new person. A different person. I know that Chance's cultivation in me as a person and the love he gave to me the last 6 years has everything to do with my ability to give and receive love. Nothing new could ever change what was though. I am still in love with Chance and at the same time open to something new. At first all of this felt like betrayal. I know now that I have to stop myself from those guilt trips. I can't blame myself for living.

All I ever wanted was for Chance to come home and that is still the only thing I truly want. I miss him, his warmth, and his laughter. Life has taken on a new beat but the lyrics are still the same.

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it. -David Foster Wallace