@theartofmadeline
if i look back, i am lost
Discoholic 🪩
Sweet Seals For You, Always
Origami Around
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Show & Tell
oozey mess
Love Begins
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hello vonnie
Game of Thrones Daily
NASA
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KIROKAZE
Andulka
shark vs the universe
JVL
Today's Document
Xuebing Du
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@youdontlookautistic
Being audhd sometimes feels like there's two employees in my head, the librarian who is capable, willing to learn, dedicated and passionate.
And then there's the fucking receptionist who catches you every time you fly by her desk to get to the librarian. She talks a lot. And she's always got some tea ready for me, hot brewed and oh my god - you've got receipts? Actual pictures? Show me.
Today my autism is 1 second behind while the adhd is 1 second ahead and I can't get the times to sync with me in the middle.
Fuck it. I'm adding "Loves it when I stim dance" to what I want in my next partner. It's an easy test and I can do it early on into meeting someone. Maybe even the first fucking date.
I'm goddamn sick and tired of feeling ashamed of dancing and living in music cos I got mocked when I was a little girl. Fuck all of you who watch me and think negative shit.
You just wish you could feel it too.
Let's get away from sleigh bells, let's get away from snow
Let's make a break some Christmas, Dear, I know the place to go
How'd ya like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island?
How'd ya like to spend the holiday away across the sea?
How'd ya like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island?
How'd ya like to hang a stocking on a great big coconut tree?
How'd ya like to stay up late, like the islanders do?
Wait for Santa to sail in with your presents in a canoe
If you ever spend Christmas on Christmas Island
You will never stray for everyday
Your Christmas dreams come true
How'd ya like to stay up late like the islanders do?
Wait for Santa to sail in with your presents in a canoe
If you ever spend Christmas on Christmas Island
You will never stray, for everyday
Your Christmas dreams come true
On Christmas Island your dreams come true
Thank you for this. Jimmy singing me Christmas Island.
As an Australian, I would LOVE to have a white Christmas. A cold Christmas.
For y'all that live where you have the Santa Christmas ™️ , you have no idea what it's like to grow up in a world where Christmas is propagandized as a Winter Event and you're a kid and you gotta wear shorts or your swimmers, and stand in front of the air conditioning. It's like you miss out on a yearly worldwide event that so many others get to experience to the point that even in a summer location all our decorations are snow themed. It's normalized here to sing songs about Chestnuts on an open fire... While sweating like a mother fucker in front of the barbecue getting annoyed over how many fucking flies there are. A huge fucking pine tree and major lawn decorations... All of snow, winter and 'cosy' themes.
Every goddamn year.
Yeah imma add that to my bucket list for a Christmas I want to have. One year I'll get together enough money to have a white Christmas 🎄
Today is a hard day for me. Today is when my family would be getting together to celebrate Christmas. We do it the Sunday before to keep Christmas day free for in-laws.
The day I went no contact with mum she told me that there will be people at Christmas this year that don't want to see me, so what do I want to do? Do I want to be a part of it, or not?
She didn't tell me who didn't want to see me. I have an idea, but it was the delivery that hurt me. The vagueness. She never clarified, never told me exactly who didn't want to see me.
So they're all together today, gathering probably at mum's house. I feel sick wondering what they're saying about me.
I try and stop the ruminating, the wondering, the imagining what they'd say and how'd they say it but it always comes back to bite me. It hurts so much thinking the people I loved the fucking MOST think I'm just an idiot, a piece of shit, selfish and irrational, delusional. It hurts knowing it's not just recent, but they've treated me like that my whole life.
Hindsight... Looking through that telescope of history makes my head spin. They always thought of me as some... Tantrumy 5 year old child who can't handle shit. And so they treated me like that.
It hurts thinking they prefer Christmas without me. That it's easier or better or more enjoyable.
That feeling is so familiar. Fuck that is the knife in the heart. When you stand up for yourself to people you love, because you legitimately can't be beat anymore or you're just gonna do the job yourself and end it. And then their reply is that life is fine without me. They don't need me, they never did. I never even made a dint. I'm not worth a memory, a thought, they can move on without any issue.
I get it. Logically I understand. I live in cognitive split, I see both sides clearly. They're bullshitting and it's a lie and they're defensive and angry cos I had to say NO for the 84th time.
But this isn't logic. Logic has no power here.
I think I need to make my own traditions. I got to make my own Christmas. I have to fill this heartbreak up and show myself that there's more than that. Than just... Drawing a tree on a piece of paper and sticking it on the window. I hate feeling lonely.
I got my new pencils today. I wanted to share my autistic joy.
Half the fun of art supplies is using them, but the other half is just, like….staring at them while I feel my heart cup overflow.
Be saturated. ❤️
As both a late aged millennial, and an idiot, I'm really surprised I'm still alive.
I grew up on AOL, MSN, ICQ, and just accepted random risky shit to go meet some dude I didn't know. I got on when I was 13 in the kiddie pool of the internet where no one knew what the fuck was happening, it was the wild west, and you BETTER have that dancing baby, and the "under construction" gifs on your geocities.
Watching true crime about a girl who went to meet a dude she knew online and he killed her. The set up is just painfully relatable. Got some weird blurry photo? Looks good 👍 yeah you can come pick me up in your car from my house I'll give you the direct address for.
How am I still alive? Good lawd.
What are your current top 3 YouTube Tabs?
I'm beginning to see my tabs are my way of tracking my special interests. I wanna know what yours are right now.
My rotation: Aviation, Social Science, Media Theories and Commentary, Forensic Science, ancient Civilizations (Mesoamerica atm), Mountaineering (Everest specifically), Art and Craft and currently... Woodworking.
No I don't have any wood. I don't have a workspace for woodworking. I live in a little unit that is already suffocating under the weight of my expanding art supplies.
Goddamn I wanna get into woodworking so bad.
Getting sober makes me feel desaturated. Please sir, how long till the colour comes back into my brain?
My mind is a glittering city of smart, sometimes.
Watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind (a favourite rewatch). The name of the little toddler who has the hot single mum is “Barry”.
My brain: What’s Barry short for?
My other brain: Barold.
I don't even know anymore. Who the fuck is in my head answering this shit?
BAROLD?
This is a decent visualzation of what it is like to be me walking around.
I feel this in my soul. There are other worlds than these.
Hand flapping at the bus stop today. Hand flapping is amazing.
I can't help but laugh a little hysterically when reflecting upon my family being undiagnosed autistic.
They're all in deep denial.
My dad is a life long musician. Guess where his place in the world is? The front of an Orchestra. Man is a musical conductor.
Can I ask... Is there any better job for an autistic man who wants to hand flap professionally, than a musical conductor?
Music and being AuDHD:
Please tell me if I'm the only one.
I have my repeat songs, I guess they're my stim songs? They shift and change but overall the kind of music is normally the same. I'm talking about music that's mostly instrumental but does have vocals.
Ok. So... I've listened to this song a million times. But my hand accidentally knocked my phone and it swiped the screen up on Spotify, and the lyrics popped up.
I realised I have no fucking idea what the lyrics are.
I love the singing in this track. I KNOW ITS THERE. And yet apparently I've treated it like an instrument, and tuned out the actual words?
Is this normal? How many other songs have I listened to a half billion times, and only heard the music? Is this why I dig Kpop so bad, and am quite comfortable not knowing the lyric meanings because I think their language is beautiful?
I'm so confused and sort of embarrassed.
Boys, you'll be so proud of me. I've evolved.
I'm looking for sticks now. And not just any stick but a really good one.
Autism/ADHD and doing THE THING in THE SPACE [routine and dedicated areas]:
As a disabled person: How hard is it for you to do THE THING *outside* of THE SPACE you dedicated for it?
Not hard at all. I've got no issues.
It's a little uncomfortable but doesn't throw me
It bothers me enough that I notice it weekly to almost daily
I really struggle every day with this
THE THING CAN ONLY BE DONE IN THE SPACE. THE END.
Art nest. It was those words that got me hooked like all hell. Just strap me up my dude and stick it in my veins.
Since studying art, I watched an awesome woman on YouTube explain her art nest. Her comfort place to work and explore when her spoons were out for the day.
The art nest was made to support her disability, and all her shit was just there and accessible from her armchair. So I made one for myself and I love it.
It's on the floor, in the corner between the couch and ottoman to keep me propped up, it's full of pillows and blankets and I have a standing laptop lap desk that I use for everything.
I've come to see that I personally love, and require, a dedicated space. I’m a person of routine and I love having my own special place to do THE THING.
I’ve also learned that that alone can stop me from doing THE THING.
Why? Because if I don’t want to be in that space, I can’t do THE THING. So while I’ve made it to try and open up myself, sometimes it becomes the reason I struggle to. I don’t give myself permission to go draw, paint, write anywhere else even if I want to or feel like it, cos I’m now supposed to be in the space.
I find having that space is amazing but I also have to give myself total permission to only use it 10% of the time, if that’s what I need and still working elsewhere 90% of the time, then it’s still doing its job.
It’s still getting me to do THE THING. It's fulfilling its purpose.
My dedicated space is no longer an immovable space, but simply an access point.
Watching vids on Egyptian history. Doing a refresh on the different periods and their rulers.
Mfw I see some traits of a ruler and think, "Damn autism been around 5EVA."
