Greyzilched.

new TWTR.Widget({ version: 2, type: 'profile', rpp: 1, interval: 30000, width: 600, height: 30, theme: { shell: { background: '#ffffff', color: '#3b3b3b' }, tweets: { background: '#ffffff', color: '#757375', links: '#f660ab' } }, features: { scrollbar: false, loop: false, live: false, behavior: 'all' } }).render().setUser('zilchedgrey').start(); An independent and opinionated writer who journals the truth and knows not the need to please readers, for whatever it's worth. [These days, he prefers to write more of the mandatory and less of the superfluous.] Follow @zilchedgrey !function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0];if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js";fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,"script","twitter-wjs");

[zilchedgrey]

lying

like a fallen leaf falling out of thyme and the wind that catches wind of a song that does not rhyme

nothing ever matches if nothing’s ever said the truth is can you handle the lies, they’re being read

if only I could show you what cannot be described a life in technicolour boxed forty inches wide

then maybe some will realize how it has long been clear

my dear, not telling the truth is not the same as lying.

*

- by zilchedgrey

[zilchedgrey]

1 Wish for 100 Years

In the 100th year of our Hall, I have only one wish for KE.

I wish that we will always fixate ourselves on a common goal, and that is to further the interests of our hall. That said, I do believe, more than anything, that Keviians will always have the hall's best interests at heart, even if we do express our feelings for KE in a myriad of ways. I also believe, unwaveringly, in the unmatched value of open communication and, if anyone remembers, I made this statement when sharing the story behind MyKEmojis last year:

I also wanted the KE community to talk; to share their ideas and to get involved; to not be afraid of their own voice

I say this because I have not doubted that my voice will be heard if I chose to speak to the right people, rather than only to those who aren't in any position to resolve my issues. It is not that those belonging to the latter are not of help or comfort to my predicament, because I do feel deeply grateful for the love that these people have shown. It is rather that I understand how they might simply support my views, or fuel my frustration because they're my friends, and that is not the best way to help the community at large.

So the interesting thing about KE and a lot of other institutions is that we're always eager to critique, but never quite as eager to discuss, and there is a clear distinction that we must make for the two actions. In the course of the past two years, I have found it necessary to find out and to comprehend the 'why', rather than to paint my own picture of the 'what', because 1) an ill-informed or uninspired painter is a poor painter; and 2) I'm not a good painter to begin with. So I do implore the reader to always ask the 'why'.

In my second year in KE, I am not embarrassed to admit that I chose to be the informal whistle-blower. And like many of my peers, we felt the need for a constructive, voice of the opposition; not just any opposing voice, but a necessarily constructive one. We most certainly made the past administration work themselves to every last detail, but I do believe that they appreciated the open communication.

Communication matters aside, my only fear for the residents is if we choose to bear the sense of entitlement over the sense of ownership, and I do worry for the serious consequences that would follow if we were to all feel entitled without having contributed. If ever, for a moment, had I considered a sense of entitlement, I hardly believe that I'd have ever made the MyKEmojis, the window decals, the crest banner or the list that goes on with the CCAs that I was, or still am, a part of. The hall is strongest when every member puts forth their strengths, works with others, and develops them to their fullest potential.

With that, I return to the one and only wish I have for KE in the 100th year of our Hall, and that is to always fixate ourselves on the common goal, one that which furthers the interests of our hall. Differences aside and conflicts resolved, we can only pick up more if we put down what burdens us, as we move along.

[zilchedgrey]

Else, here.

The reality is, everyone will leave you: someday, somewhere, somehow. The sooner you come to terms with that, the faster you age, the more honest you become. Pain is treated with sleep, not cured. The voice you hear the most remains your own, just more frequent; to yourself, you talk. Nobody else hears.

Nobody else is here.

[zilchedgrey]

Bold; 2014.

For the uninitiated, this time every year I oblige myself to have a post titled 'Word of the Year'. Essentially what it means is that I find a single word, sufficiently apt, to describe the year that has recently passed me by. 

Here are the words for the past nine years:

2005 - adaptation. 2006 - passion. 2007 - infatuation. 2008 - realization. 2009 - education. 2010 - choices. 2011 - family. 2012 - conviction. 2013 - gift.

Archive over here: http://zilchedgrey.tumblr.com/search/woty

*

2014 was the year of the bold, and there are an awful lot of reasons that I will share in brief. The definition(s) of 'boldness' that I have chosen off dictionary.com is:

not hesitating to break the rules of propriety; forward; impudent

necessitating courage and daring; challenging

beyond the usual limits of conventional thought or action; imaginative

To me, being bold meant picking up new skills, taking up challenging tasks, and choosing the path less ventured, in spite of fear and in hope for a more fulfilling purpose. Scrutinizing the past 12 months, it really wasn't difficult to justify the word I chose, or find ample evidence, because it seemed ever so clear to me - what I did, even when I wasn't certain, much less confident, at the point of action.

January: Hallplay. Theatre and drama under the careful direction of Grace, and the really awesome fellow cast members of The Odd Couple. This remains the second most crazy thing I've done in Hall.

February: Amplitude As much as the process was arduous, this was the cool kids of E Block coming together and goofing around during practice; this was us being kids, really, but it was worth all the time we spent.

March: Rockfest, Open Day, Starbucks Acoustic Band practices every other day, and the craziest thing I've ever committed myself to - I'm really glad I did. It changed me, always for the better, and I couldn't ask for anything different.

April: Helping the Presidential Election While I never intended for the attention to be drawn to me in spite of the assistance I rendered, it remained a cautionary episode for my time in Hall, and knowing just when, to show restraint.

May: SEMA, or Shervin's Event Management Agency How could this not be bold? But I'm truly happy for my bestest neighbour, because I know how much it meant to him, for it to happen at the right moment, in the right time,

June: KEWOC Preparation Taking up Programmes Head at yet another Orientation. Painting my first, and possibly last, huge-ass banner. Window decals in KE, like whut. Out of my league, but not yet unreachable.

July: KEWOC When I finished VJ|SPEARCA, I was so certain I'd never take up the same role for another Orientation, much less do Orientation. But the faith and space Ghim Joo gave, I could hardly decline.

August: Block Head / Band Head Taking up two leadership roles in Hall is not for the faint-hearted, but I've always been thankful for my two co-heads Hemin and Shalom. And winning IBG Road Relay with E Block, ho ho ho.

September: The month I took a break And had that incredible birthday celebration with a really crowded dining hall at an ungodly hour. I love y'all (now watch out during your birthdays).

October: Managing 6 bands for NOTA So many practices even though I was barely performing in any, but helping the bands in a way that meant I had to up my own game and challenge myself to raise their expectations for themselves.

November: 3 shirts come to life This really takes the cake, I think. Being afraid but at the same time shameless to print my designs onto shirts; and then getting addicted to the whole process over and over.

December: Dance Camp Could hardly imagine, but did it anyway. How better to end a year of being so spontaneous, and yet still relatively cautious - because all-out risk will never be on my plate. 

And while these may simply look like a list of events hardly worth mention, I think the part that really mattered this year was being unafraid to be honest, and to say what's difficult - to be the whistle-blower; to call out injustice; to point out tardiness; and to really question what we're doing, while we're doing it. It was the great battle involving so many schools of thought: rationality, tradition, innovation, and sometimes blind regurgitation. 

And given all that I've written, the question remains: what does being bold mean to me?

It means being willing to challenge the tide. It means questioning what is deemed right. And beyond impudence or non-conformism, it means being honest, and being true, and being alive.

Because if we simply and ignorantly follow, we might as well not live.

[zilchedgrey]

as if I wanted as if I desired this we don't communicate because we don't speak the same tongue feel the same heart even if we share the same blood

the only thing I see of me in you is what I never wanted never desired and I hope we don't share the same end because if we did, what then?

[zilchedgrey]

20.

So the twenty things people don't quite know:

I like soft toys more than any other gift, especially of cartoons / animations that I like. They have to be of a huggable size tho.

I couldn't draw in primary school, barely did in secondary school, and only started experimenting in junior college. Everything I've learnt about drawing / design comes from inspiration and experimentation.

I consider myself really good with getting people gifts, and I don't / rarely buy anything that I can make.

I was quiet for a great 16 years of my life, but at some point I decided that there was more value in making your voice heard, especially when you knew the answers.

There is no greater gift than the gift of time. Of the five languages of love, I express in gifts and appreciate time.

I firmly believe that friends who don't fight don't become better friends. It is in the unveiling of the ugly that people decide if they can accept you in your entirety,

I have a ridiculous sweet tooth that can't be treated. My candy of choice are the pick 'n' mix gummies at 7-11 or any store that sells pick 'n' mix.

The solution to all of life's problems, in my opinion, is bubble tea.

I'm an ardent supporter of Daiso, even though not everything is at its cheapest there, like stationery. Still, that is the price of convenience.

I can cook both indoors and out in the fields and I am thankful for everything that Arrow Scouts has taught me. Whether it'd be the senior, son of tze-char stall owner, or the other seniors adept in backwoodsman, everything I know comes from them and from later years of experimentation.

The people I don't like the most are the ones that make the most noise and don't value-add to the conversation.

I value logic and reason. Unreasonable people irk me. 

I am extremely productive under pressure.

I can dabble in something creative for hours.

I value honesty and I believe in being honest to the people I care most about.

I am really good with lyrics, like really good.

I'm quite a grammar nazi. It comes quite naturally.

I have a limited supply of social energy, and there are seasons where I go by without much social interaction and a lot of me-time.

Someday I will publish a book; I still believe in that.

I observe everything.

---

[zilchedgrey]

Swoon; sworn.

I cannot love you, not in the capacity that I would like to. Not in the way that you would expect, because nobody would allow me to. No, not even you.

It is only from a distance, behind a glass, across a street, that I could say the things that I want to, that I could be a little truthful. It is only in the night, in the shadows, that I can show you, just how much it hurts to love a person who cannot love in return, no matter how many tries - it will only burn.

And even as I wash the wound and trace the scars, I cannot be the person that you see in stars. The only thing we can share are feelings of adoration that border on friendship, or even kinship, if I could somehow push it through. I know and understand where lines are drawn, That is where I shall dance, in the beyond.

And that is where we in blood we shall be sworn.

[zilchedgrey]

Tell me, Mr. Maverick, is this your first time on the riverboat?

All right, Felix, you win. We'll try to iron it out. Anything you want. Come back, Felix. Felix ... Felix? Don't leave me like this. --- You louse! 

Because the script speaks for itself and for all of us, for how we all feel, it is only right that any lament, made in retrospect, be done in the words of the characters and the playwright.

We're gonna play poker.

And we did, or at least we tried, Speed being the most enthusiastic of us all in getting the game going. Although we never quite made it through a game, it was always a matter of the people we played with, and not the play itself.

How do you know how you'd feel? Maybe you'd feel wonderful. Why do you have to control every single thought in your head? ... Why don't you let loose once in your life? Do something you feel like doing - and not what you think you're supposed to do ... Relax. Get drunk. Get angry ... C'mon, break the goddamned cup!

I'm sure, for most of us. that's how we felt in the beginning. From the lines, to the informal dance studio sessions, the much-better comm hall attempts, and finally the grand opening at UCC.

How do you know? I can feel it in my bones.

And so we did. We felt every bit of adrenaline right up to the moment where Felix gets a glass in his face, and even after when Oscar shows up with Felix's suitcase.

Where are you going?

We came, we saw, and we most certainly conquered -- a night of raunchy, adolescent laughter followed by a second night of hearty, family chortle. After which, the void settled in, post production.

Don't tell her I'm fine! You heard me carrying on before. What are you telling her that for? I'm not fine.

We most certainly weren't, and then we asked ourselves:

Oscar, you've been through it yourself. What did you do? How did you get through those first few nights?

Because nobody but us understood.

You don't understand, Oscar. I'm nothing without them. I'm nothing!

The questions we asked came with difficult answers.

How can you forget your kids? How can you wipe out twelve years of marriage? You can't. When you walk into eight empty rooms every night it hits you in the face like a wet glove. But those are the facts, Felix. You've got to face it. You can't spend the rest of your life crying.

So we told ourselves:

I'm going to be all right! It's going to take me a couple of days ... but I'm going to be all right!

And others told us:

Try to get a good night's sleep. I guarantee you things are going to look a lot brighter in the morning.

Even if we did know, deep down:

It was better before. With the garbage and the smoke, it was better before.

But that aside, there are still words to be said.

To Vinnie and Murray, I know you feel the same:

I mean it's terrible what it can do to people. After all, what is divorce? It's taking two happy people and tearing their lives completely apart. It's inhuman, don't you think so?

To Cecily and Gwendolyn:

No crying, sighing, moaning or groaning.

To Oscar:

If you need me I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.

To Speed ;) :

Oh, we've done spectacular things but I don't think we'd want it spread all over the Telly, do you Gwen Speed?

And to Grace, from all of us:

You're a wonderful guy, Oscar. You've done everything for me. If it weren't for you, I don't know what would have happened to me. You took me in here, gave me a place to live and something to live for. I'll never forget you for that. You're tops with me, Oscar.

For the people who don't get us, it doesn't matter, because:

We are what we are.

And if they should ask:

Well, when is it that you miss them?

The answer will always be:

Whenever I'm not there.

So to my dearest cast friends:

How about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the game, are you?

I hope your answer is the same as mine.

Me? Never! Marriages may come and go, but the game must go on. 

Because, indeed, the game must go on. :)

-

Love,

Roy

[zilchedgrey]

i don't feel the same

the truth cuts deep like a new knife, blood stains the white sheets.

love becomes a likely story, but who are we to kid ourselves?

painful is the news, but more aching is futility of the time spent, wasted.

tears, they come, sometimes flood the swollen senses; one, left defenceless.

Maybe I should have said something earlier, before I had to endure the silent shame, losing something I never quite owned in the first place. But that is precisely what this is all about: giving, and giving, until there is nothing left but yourself and the love that you may only keep within the lonely depths of a  bruised heart.

Everybody's changing, and you won't feel the same.

[zilchedgrey]

Sheath of Life

The profound sadness bothers me; the inability to understand. to comprehend, that general, dysphoric sense of melancholy.

When skies turn to grey, the question asked is not 'why', but 'for how long', as if I want to revel in tragedy.

Events of fate dictate that love is not my treasure to find, and heavens do not shine upon me, even in my perceived darkest hours.

I should wallow, and mellow, in self pity, like a duckling in a tub - helpless, but not drowning - silently awaiting the arrival of death, like a sharp knife.

The beginning, and end, of pain are but a sheath away.

*

- by zilchedgrey

[zilchedgrey]

不再害怕

剩下的光年帶著無數憂傷 純愛的機會更看似渺茫 若離開是解放 幸福是分散 那人類是否應該任性流浪?

黃昏的雲朵永是耀眼輝煌 自由的海鷗卻從不靠岸 若沉默是堅強 無語是傲慢 我寧願不當勇士獨自飛翔.

傷痕累累走遍浩瀚海峽 情為何物叫人垂死掙扎 漫長煎熬待著深愛的她 永恆的謊遲早由我揭發

只要我不再渴望,不再害怕.

*

- by zilchedgrey

[zilchedgrey]

fear is not far from here

there he sits in the corner of the terminal - a tea-stained saucer, a tear-stained letter - overwhelmed by loss, overtaken by fear.

futile, it is, to resist that which is most formidable, fear cripples thy heart, stifles thine soul, plagues the senses, leaving thee most defenseless.

in that instant, love is a distant dream, and failure is harsh reality. one cannot live within walls without windows, doors. if one should have to bear, one is better off dead; suffering, no more.

*

- by zilchedgrey

[zilchedgrey]

Gift.

We're nearing the end, as we're approaching the beginning; the last hundred odd hours of 2013 to be supposedly spent merrymaking and, of course, in retrospection. Not forgetting the ritual of selecting the 'word of the year', and the key moments in time that helped define that word.

And it always seems faster when you're looking at what you've gone through than when you're actually going through them - operationally ready and back to school, or at least trying to go back to school. In some ways I guess I've survived the first semester even without adequate planning and preparation, but I am reminded not to squander my hours so dramatically next time. Still on track, and still going to accomplish the side tasks I've taken up along the way.

And the word of 2013 is... 'gift'.

2005 - adaptation. 2006 - passion. 2007 - infatuation. 2008 - realization. 2009 - education. 2010 - choices. 2011 - family. 2012 - conviction.

'Gift', not merely in the 'present', but in the innate talents we are 'gifted' from the day of conception, and the natures in which we live, learnt and have grown to accept, even if they don't always seem like 'gifts' at first glance, initial contact.

It gets difficult, more so as time passes, to remember and to appreciate what we're given, especially if what we desire is hardly congruent with what we have. We will always want what we can't have. 

Why then, should this be a year of 'gift' for me? Because I believe I've forgotten about them, never quite believed, and possibly thought I was simply not good enough. It's easier to deal with setbacks when you choose to feel like it was always going to happen, and that you're pretty much incapable of dealing with the problem.

So maybe this is a desperate last attempt to find them back; maybe I still have an ounce of hope that something lies out there, something within reach and something of potential that can be grasped - some niche that is meant for my talent, if any, some spot to be filled. Nobody wants to believe that they are plain, normal and disposable.

Logic, empathy, and a gift, I hope, for making thoughts come to life, words leading to action. I hadn't always believed, as much as I wished it were true. Affirmation seems to be the only indicator of truth, but even then one cannot expect to always be affirmed, much less feel needy for support. I've always believed in the might of the individual over any authority, legal or supernatural, which means I have to be my own source of energy, and not some out-of-this-world, up-in-hierarchy, entity that dictates who I am or who I should be.

*

That being said, sometimes you simply have to reject the gifts you aren't ready to receive, or willing to risk other important gifts for. Trust in self; that's all that matters.

[zilchedgrey]

nothing to do, nothing to say.

it's sad that it's true how society says her life is already over.

drinks in the dark - waiting for the right one, the right moment; the right face in the right place.

i wish you had a tag, a label of sorts to help me see you, find you, and not lose you.

some days I flip the phone book hoping to land on some page, where your name would light up the nights I spend alone.

till the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up and puts her over his shoulder.

but it won't. try as I may to unclench my fist and to grasp your hand - what slips through my fingers are but shivers of sand.

I wish it wasn't so. I wish I didn't have to pretend that your shadows frighten me but still I crave to see them, knowing that you're there if they're there.

foolish games people play, wanting to beat the odds, only to find the ends to their dismay. the price to pay, that which leads to your decay.

it seems so unlikely in this day and age.

maybe someday, it wouldn't be this way.

*

- by zilchedgrey

[zilchedgrey]

I would.

I would use the stove but gas is expensive; blowing up the house, for me, is plain selfish.

I would use the knife but blood can be quite messy, stain the sheets while I allow my veins to empty.

I would dive the ocean and float the seven seas; but lately it's unlikely for I know how to swim.

I would imbibe a cocktail of drinks to make you clean, but wasteful I shall not be. I have sufficient sins.

I would take a great leap, forward from the brim. I wonder why they leave their shoes when they attempt to fly. Does someone whisper in their ear, 'The Grim is here'? Maybe we don't have to walk on clouds up in the sky.

*

- by zilchedgrey

[zilchedgrey]

And then.

*

- by zilchedgrey

[zilchedgrey]

Flames to dust.

Intimacy: moths drawn to fire in a heated desire - a searing embrace, a scalding exchange - derives neither satisfaction, consolation, nor gratification, is instead scorched, by rejection. warmth and pleasure are short-lived; when dawn breaks, all that’s left are singed wings, dusty corpses -

too tattered to take flight,

too battered to rise from the ashes.

*

- by zilchedgrey