An email i sent to my father.
Dad -
I hope this message gives you an idea of my state of mind. I don't even expect anything done, because for most of these the 'solutions' would be incredibly selfish on my part and I refuse to be selfish on top of a terrible daughter.
I'm sorry I'm such a shitty kid. I really am. But i hate the situation that's evolved.
The facts are as follows:
I hate that I've been erased from your life except for the collective month I stay over there, and whats worse is that I know that it's irrational to have any kind of resentment over that - because what did I think was going to happen?
I'm jealous of this comfortable life you have and I hate that I have to go back to what compares as nothing, and that you don't even seem to realize how this stacks up. Not that you have much of an idea. Or maybe you do. I don't know.
I hate that places that used to be mine have been invaded by someone else, even though I also know that they have every right to do so. They live there now, and I don't.
I hate that Jane always seems to have this attitude that my mother is not a good one. I also know, though it's a precarious position that she's in, that she sometimes forgets that despite being your wife, she is not my mom and she can overstep. Mostly I can forgive her for this, it's kind of hard not to and its also possible that i overreact. But being a stepmom doesn't mean being a mom.
I hate that there's details of my life that I've not been able to share with you, for fear of how you might react or how the company you keep might tell you to react - but I'm tired of being afraid of how my own father will react based on the people he surrounds himself with, so out it comes. Hey, guess what Dad? I'm pansexual, and currently the meter's more towards girls than anything else. Might waver, these things do, it's a spectrum and it's fluid. React how you will, I don't even care anymore, Jane can glare at me for being an ungodly heathen all she wants, but fuck living in terror that I might be cut off or something. And don't you dare even think that I'm like that because of my mother - The only thing she's had to do with it is being my sounding board whenever I would contemplate coming out and being completely supportive of me and my continuing decisions not to for fear of the fallout.
That's not even the worst part of this, though. The worst part is that I could never say any of this to your face, or over the phone, because I would end up sobbing by the third sentence. As it is, I'm trembling as I write this.
So yeah, I'm sorry I never speak to you. But this has all been festering for years, even though I've tried to push it aside and be rational about it because I've got no right to feel this way. I can't even fault you for any of this, because all the ill feelings are from me. But the fact is, I've been angry for the last five or six years and I hate that.
I guess what I hate the most, though, is that you're so happy with them and I don't even factor into it, and then you call or text and tell me that you miss me and I look back and think "no you don't. Why should you?"
Sorry I'm so irrational. I wish I was a better kid. You deserve better.
