Okay, gather ‘round or something—yes, you in the corner eating dry cereal with your bare hands, I see you—I’m in the mood to rot my brain with more comics. Which means it’s time for another round of Weird Timeline Files, featuring Bullet Points (that five-issue run released in 2006 aka What if Steve never did the whole himbo routine, but instead things got a bit weird while he’s still a twink.) Ranting, screaming, screenshots, and way too many shippy headcanons under the fold. All previous comic book rants linked in the masterpost.
*Full disclosure, for all the weird shit this run pulls, it’s still not as aggressively homosexual as I require for optimal brainrot, but: Steve does become Iron Man, Peter is one of the main characters, there’s a wild Fantastic Four cameo, an even more wild winterion on the same panel, and overall, this run totally slaps.
Bullet Points #1
We open on the first issue, only for a second wonder why the cover art looks like Steve is wearing a dress, and get a little crash course in why it’s called ‘Bullet Points.’ As in, no, it’s not a listicle, but What If history took a bullet (to the titty) and everything went straight off the rails.
So plot. There’s some. Actually, no, there is a lot.
The run properly kicks off with Erskine (the science daddy who was supposed to juice up Steve’s gluten-free skeleton) catching a bullet before he can drop that magical super-serum, so Steve never gets those thick-cut ham hocks for pecs we all thirst after. And look, sure, Steve has other redeeming qualities, but I’m shallow as a puddle, so yeah, I miss those man tits. Moving on.
Even though our favorite frail stick-figure isn’t getting juiced, Uncle Sam is still desperate to throw this man into the meat grinder, so he gets drafted into Project Iron Man. And instead of Tony getting an accidental hole in his chest, Steve agrees to acquire a hole in his chest on purpose and gets to undergo enough body horror surgery to give me nightmares, all because he wants to serve his country or something.
Anyhow, he’s Iron Man. In the 40s. Whoop. Big slay. Except, instead of snarky billionaire energy, Steve’s out here doing heroics and then immediately barfing up everything but his soul while no one's looking. Don’t love that for him, the whole thing seems to be brutal AF on his body, but credit where it’s due: he still saves Bucky, even though he doesn’t know who he is (awww Bucky), does a bit here, a bit there, looks both clunky and terrifyingly efficient in the armor, and Nazis back down.
After that happens, some time in the future, tiny, cute, adorable, another love of my life Peter Parker decides to rebel by hotwiring cars and ditching class, because Uncle Ben didn’t survive this timeline either (seriously, can’t this man catch a fucking break? One timeline, just ONE, where Uncle Ben lives. No? Didn’t think so. If there’s one, let me know.)
Peter and his buddies go for a joyride, get lost, and naturally, our boy asks for directions from a literal cardboard cutout (genius behavior) mid-gamma bomb test, because this is comic books and why should Steve be the only one trying out some other super cape? Excellent, let’s go.
Bullet Points #2
So… issue two. Both incredible and devastating because Peter’s not having a good time, Aunt May is not having a good time, and if you’re here looking for wholesome vibes where everything is okay, just log off now.
At the beginning of this issue, Peter wakes up in the hospital after his gamma exposure. Allegedly “fine”. May does her best Soft Grandma routine, but Peter’s angsting, May’s angsting, and, on unrelated note, I’m angsting because Bucky still hasn’t married Tony in any universe bar fanfic, which is homophobic.
As soon as Peter is out of the hospital, his ‘friends’ decide to bully the shit out of him—call him a loser, kick him in the shin, and just generally be the worst. Which is enough to finally snap something inside this sad boy heart, predictably turning him into Peter-Hulk, which we didn’t see coming at all, lol. It’s, for real, hella sad, since his sentiment is not even a cute “Hulk smash!” catchphrase, but very gutting “leave me the fuck alone!”
Peter does his meltdown, running from the cops while Aunt May sees her nephew, faints dramatically, and the entire city tries to shoot him in the face. He eventually calms down, smashes some property and goes back to being the most traumatized eye candy in New York, presumably at least somewhat dressed, ‘cause god forbid we see an ass.
To follow some other plot that will become relevant, Steve ran out of Bucky to pine over this issue, and drops by to give Reed Richards some high-key supportive non-himbo hugs. Steve’s like, “Bro, stop tuning up my super cool armor and go touch the stars” because even in a timeline where nothing makes sense, Steve is a cheerleader for science nerds and encourages folks to live their best superhero life.
Don’t get me started on how if Steve is not loitering around Tony he’s sure to loiter around another too-smart guy, to Bucky’s general dismay and heartbreak. (Not that Bucky isn’t smart. Bucky is the best. I’ll fight you.) Steve also, sorta, retires, and has been doing the Iron Man gig for too long. We believe he will retire and not show up to punch some things as soon as the next issue happens, yes?
Bullet Points #3
This issue is packed, although they are all packed, given the size of the run.
Reed and Sue, along with Ben and Johnny, are so ready to be famous, and are moving on with their plans to go to space and become influencers before it’s cool.
Steve and General Ross are in the war room, staring down the barrel of the Peter Parker Problem and decide that Steve needs to hop out of retirement after two generations of being Iron Man (idk when that happened, I sorta assumed it was all taking place in the forties, but guess not.)
Regardless, while the Fab Four are launching into space, Peter sneaks into the hospital for one last sad chat with Aunt May. She immediately tells him it’s a setup, but it’s too late, because Steve walks in ready to do some punching.
It does go horribly badly. The punching, I mean. Steve gets very, and I mean very, beat up by Peter-Hulk. There is a not a remote possibility while Reed’s rocket is busy exploding, killing Sue, Ben, Johnny and plucking out his left eye, that Steve also gets super deceased.
So, a bunch of folks die in this one, Steve gets a funeral so decorated you’d think they were sending him to Valhalla, while Reed has a chat with a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who slides in with the “hey bud, wanna disappear and become a scary genius in a government basement?” pitch. He wants to, of course, he’s all alone and kinda looks like Fury now, and that’s just how these things work.
The issue ends with Peter, my precious still radioactive murder baby, hiding in a cave.
P.S. I don’t know what the fuck they were thinking with all this angst, because it hits way harder than Deadpool killing Marvel Universe for the millionth time.
Bullet Points #4
Okay, so. If you, somehow, are still confused about the premise after three issues, here’s your speedrun: one random-ass bullet hits the wrong scientist and the Marvel Universe that’s taking a break from being killed by Deadpool (how many of these runs will I buy in the future? Really? Liars when they tell me one last time) proceeds to eat itself. The idea is that one shot that kills a man 24 hours too early turns the world into a giant clusterfuck. Got it? Cool. I got it too, didn’t take me that long to figure out, but well, the comic is still here, chewing it up and spitting it out into your mouth in case you are stupid and didn’t notice all these ripples in history.
And, okay, sure, not everything is different: Daredevil’s still doing parkour in pajamas, the X-Men are out there being X-Men, but everywhere else, some folks are in fact rippling like they are on a bad acid trip.
Since the lack of one eye is what makes the man Director, Reed is now the head bitch in charge at S.H.I.E.L.D. He recruits familiar faces left and right and even turns Dr. Strange into a budget Wolverine (I guess the beard was foreshadowing?), while Peter is just sad vibing across the world with zero serotonin and nobody to hold his hand or squeeze his buttcheek. I can’t even. The hate editorial has for my guy makes no sense.
And because I was busy wallowing in my Peter-induced misery, I almost missed some primo winteriron bait. Now, Steve is officially dead-dead (comic book rules, so like, 80% chance he’s back next week, but whatever), meaning the Iron Man program is short one twinkly-eyed operator. Which brings us to Tony, who makes his first appearance in this run to grovel at Reed’s feet for a shot at the suit. Reed’s response is both disappointing and not: “Sorry, Tony, your heart is dogshit and I have another beefcake in mind.”
Disappointing, since I guess Tony wouldn’t have a dogshit heart if there wasn’t already a convenient hole in his chest (logic), but not, because the beefcake in mind is Colonel motherfucking Bucky. And this man is looking way too good for someone the run is claiming is “up there in years”. The art has him serving it, and this is where we get both Tony and him in the same panel. Reed’s also talking Bucky up: ‘peak health’ and ‘incredible stamina’, which means that Tony’s recalculating his sexuality in real time, whatever it is in this timeline, and thinking about how even older Bucky can go multiple times a night. Winteriron nation, RISE. (I’ll stop :D) But, in all seriousness, Bucky does open up with: “My friends call me Bucky” as soon as he sees Tony.
The cover also totally lied and teased us with a very lean and lanky Spider-Man with a bubble butt (I was hoping for Tony), but with Peter still on his emo road trip and having stolen Bruce’s green mode from him, Bruce is the one who gets bitten and goes full Spider-Man, receiving some abs and, ofc, a bubble butt. Ahhh, comics are, indeed, a land of wonders.
At this point, I was starting to fear the rest of the run would be nothing but playing Origin Story Musical Chairs with the same five or so dudes, but just as I was about to check out and power through it, Galactus and the Silver Surfer show up with “sup” and no Fantastic Four to stop them on the account of someone exploding that rocket on the way to the spaceship or something. Finally, some drama.
Bullet Points #5
Man, this was good. SO. SO! Okay, if you’ve consumed even a teaspoon of Marvel canon through cultural osmosis, or accidentally sat through a bunch of Fantastic Four movies, you know Galactus rolls up to planets like they’re all-you-can-eat buffets and the Silver Surfer is his indentured shiny Uber Eats driver, but like, with cosmic Stockholm syndrome.
If Sue Storm was still alive, Silver Surfer would’ve probably put Galactus in time-out and told him to go snack on Saturn instead after taking a look at her pretty face, and this run wouldn’t have a bad guy to deal with. But Sue's dead, pretty people are in short supply, and the only folks left suited for the job are missing, so the intergalactic eating contest is officially ON.
Because the situation is dire, Reed rage-posts a global “HELP WANTED: HEROES, VILLAINS, ASSORTED BASTARDS—APPLY IN PERSON, NYC, BEFORE WE ALL DIE LIKE STEVE DID.” Everyone shows up to defend the planet, from C-list bad guys to “wait, aren’t you dead?” extras. All, naturally, also get their asses handed to them.
Notably, Tony uses this opportunity to grab Steve’s Iron Man suit, because this man will literally fight God, fate, or Galactus for five extra minutes of screen time. Respect.
Things are looking extra-extra dire when the only character with main character energy left, Peter ‘please, just let me rest’ Parker, finally stops avoiding humanity long enough to pull up and emotionally bulldoze Silver Surfer—not with his face (which is, let’s be honest, fucked up at this point) but with his painfully earnest, cuddly puppy-dog vibes. It’s so wholesome it actually makes me want to commit violence, but this is what we expect from Peter Parker (bravery and soul, k?), so. At the end, Galactus is told to fuck off, and the Earth is saved. Peter, sadly, dies, for all that drama, and in a choice so wild it loops around to being iconic, they bury him next to Steve. I have no idea why, but the visual of Peter Parker snuggled up next to Iron Man in death is the kind of weird fanfic energy that keeps the Marvel fandom alive.
So that’s the run. Not the best, not the worst, but definitely worth reading. Nothing else to add here, so go reblog something gay, leave a comment for someone on AO3, and eat a vegetable. P.S. If you’re wondering WTF is wrong with me and why I’m still writing these recaps, the answer is obvious: I want you all to start reading comic books, get inspired, and then go write me more fanfic. Am I not being clear here? This is a recruitment strategy. Get to work.
