Abbigails Advice Column

Bringing classic human answers to classic human questions!

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Hello. I am my species chief humanologist. I am also an earthologist (obviously) so I also seek general information about this planet and the species that inhabit it.

A few important questions I have found answers to:

Do humans feel empathy? Probably but not to the extent our species does.

Are humans a hive mind? No.

Are humans sexually dimorphic? Slightly. Really hard to tell despite multiple humans trying to explain it to me.

Are humans intelligent? Technically yes. Despite this intelligence, they waste a lot of time doing stupid things.

Do humans have a civilization? They have multiple!

Will humans try to eat us if we visit? Probably not. We apparently look like “boogers” (snot) to them.

Do humans care for their young? Usually they do.

What’s the best way to pacify a raging human? I find offering cookies usually decreases their rage.

What is a cookie? A sweet baked good that humans frequently consume.

Do cookies always work? No. Some humans need you to provide gluten free cookies. Also some rare humans don’t like sweets.

Are humans friendly? Sometimes. Varies wildly between human individuals.

Can I pet a friendly human? Yes but be careful. Some humans don’t want to be touched. Learn a human language and ask before touching.

Any questions you have about humans you can ask me! Humans are also welcome to ask me questions! Ask me anything!

[misidentifying-animals-in-posts]

This one seemed very used to humans. Maybe someones pet?

Aww a little chihuahua :) they get a bad rap but can be very sweet!

[westformiles]

@onenicebugperday

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Humans are domesticating bugs.

[writing-prompt-s]

Your various alien crewmates were so excited to tell you that another human has been found; you aren’t the last of your kind, after all. Plus, the other human is coming to meet you immediately. The first thing you think when you see them is "that thing isn't quite human."

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

I’m trying my best! Being human isn’t easy! That’s why humans need to be constantly studied! It’s better than being alone!

Please? I swear I am part human and have no malicious intentions!

[writing-prompt-s]

Telepathic aliens are used to having complete access to others' minds. When they first tried reading a human’s mind, they were violently expelled. When asked how the human managed this, he said "I just imagined punching you and it worked."

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Humans tendency towards violent thoughts and behaviors can make them difficult to communicate with for even the most patient of extraterrestrials. This is why it’s important to understand human cultures and tendencies before initiating any form of contact. Humans frequently produce materials (such as films) implying that they are attempting to prepare themselves for combat against extraterrestrial forces. These claims of preparation are heavily exaggerated and are likely bluffs but most extraterrestrials would rather play it safe.

DO NOT UPSET THE HUMANS. It’s not worth the risk.

Also don’t watch the film “Independence Day” if you are not from Earth. It is very concerning

[il9vemyputer]

everyone on replies is terrified of this fact but i just think it's so sweet and heartwarming. she's holding our hand and leading us somewhere secret and we're both giggling like kids. i love her

[solowinged]

let’s travel through the vast unknown with mama

[omnybus]

Space chickens

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Don’t worry, your sun knows where it’s going! Its destination isn’t the point though. It’s enjoying its time with its planetary buddies while it lasts. One day your sun will destroy your planet and all of its wonders will be lost but today is not that day. That day is so far away that you don’t even need to worry about it. Nothing lasts forever. Not even our stars which is why it’s important to appreciate the journey while it lasts. Today your sun is your friend and that is enough.

[scutesketch]

YOUR ART ON TUMBLR IS BEING USED TO TRAIN AI!

The setting that prevents your work being used to train AI models is turned off by default! I had no idea about this until now! Artists, go to your settings, click “visibility”, and turn on this setting! Protect your work!

[portlandalites]

《Made a visual guide of how to get there, because it's under a weird tab.

Go to your blog (you have to do this for each individual blog) and the visibility tab

It's this last option here

Hate this shit, but turn it off babey》

[orvillepeckspocketpussy]

one thing i am quite grateful to Brian David Gilbert for is the phrase "If you needed ME to tell you that... I'm glad I told you that."

it has been etched into my brain for the past six years, fundamentally altering how i consider knowledge gaps held by others, as well as myself. people usually need to be told stuff before they can know it! that's how knowing stuff works! this is an extreme example played for laughs but it's a legitimately helpful philosophy!!

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Don’t hurt animals on Earth! It messes with our research and is completely unnecessary! Hurting these creatures isn’t “fun” or “cool”. Be careful around humans who seem to “enjoy” hurting other creatures. They are dangerous and unpredictable. As seen in the image above, humans have made it clear that most of them don’t appreciate this sort of behavior so that’s another good reason to avoid hurting creatures on Earth. Be as respectful as possible to this world!

Also, be sure to listen to humans when they give you this sort of advice. It’s important to remember that you don’t know everything about this world and the locals are your best chance of learning more!

[ketrinadrawsalot]

Not all skeletons are made of minerals or chitin

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

A great guide to how some Earth invertebrates work!

[shencomix]

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Good thing my species has no sexual dimorphism.

[cringecorp]

was reading about tripod fish and i'm obsessed with this wording

[ains-art]

He's waving hello to you

.... or maybe he's getting ready to take off

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Noodle nose

[that-house]

Being a little too cold: brrrr i’m a little too cold !!!

Being a little too warm: i am going to kill the next person who makes eye contact with me.

[anyroads]

#cold inspires a universal element of human nature that says let's share this fire for warmth and survival#heat inspires a universal element of human nature that says i hate you i hate the air it's sticky and i am going to do violence

you're right and you should say it

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

DO NOT OVERHEAT YOUR HUMANS! They will threaten you with violence!

[tgirl-thucydides]

[catbountry]

#borble from my lost codices :(

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Birds are very wise and should be consulted if you desire any information on how to be desirable. Humans have a practice of describing courtship and mating rituals as “the birds and the bees”. This post outlines how the bird part of this common saying is actually about ways to impress females by fashioning one’s hair. Research on what bees have to do with this process is still ongoing.

[cats-and-confusion]

Hey can anyone tell me what the FUCK this behavior means

[landmineblogging]

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

This cat seems to not want to share supper with me

[ask-pacman]

Man Im sorry for snapping at you , uts just that I only got 8 hours of sleep last night and I only had like, two pandcakes with strawberrys and whipped cream and like three premium sausags for breakfast

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

Humans apparently are not satisfied with these amenities. Add another pancake

[definitely-not-several-bugs]

Sniffle... ermmm.. whimper.... bleah.. sob.....

[abbigailsadvicecolumn]

I didn’t realize insects could cry. My apologies.

Crying is a behavior typically seen in humans which involves making pathetic rasping noises in between moans. This behavior typically also involves fluids being released from around human eyeballs. They make these noises to indicate to their fellow humans that they are upset. It is important to apologize to any being that you cause this reaction in.