creating space

Lo (26) • Gradblr, PhD - News Historicism & Political Engagement • Philomath • Gemini • INTJ • ADHD

[academicdaydreaming]

Learning with ADHD

5.14.21

I haven’t posted in forever - finals really kicked my ass. Even on new ADHD medications, I still had to ask for extensions on papers and that was really a kick to the self-esteem. I’ve always relied on my anxiety to just push me through finals but this time I just couldn’t get there. Starting some new meds, though, so hopefully these will be more helpful! 

Something interesting I’ve realized about my ADHD self over the last few weeks - as a child, I played musical instruments, but I never escaped into music the way some of my friends did. When they would just listen to random songs for hours on end, I never understood how they could physically do that. I was the type to become obsessed about 2 or 3 songs and listen to those on repeat or just listen to a half of a bunch of different songs (but never the full song). Now that I am on meds, I’ve found a much deeper appreciate for that escape into music. It’s actually been quite liberating! I finally understand what everyone else was feeling all those years ago! 

[academicdaydreaming]

4•16•21

Light Friday reading

[academicdaydreaming]

4•7•21

There’s something poetic about listening to Stevie Nicks while writing a paper about the top 3 Democrat women in Michigan being called witches for being powerful women.

That magical feeling, combined with the sheer rage power I feel while writing another paper about AOC being called a bitch by a GOP rep, is feeding my soul right now.

Watch me just turn all of my diss work into Witches and Bitches: US Women’s political engagement. It fits just right.

[jhopeluvr2001-deactivated202109]

[academicdaydreaming]

4•2•21

Look at this new beautiful beeb! 🌱

The other night I texted my husband I was feeling down, so he came home from work with some sweets and this beautiful schefflera arboricola. Life lesson: if you find a partner, make sure they understand and value what truly makes you happy.

After a half an hour of my hands in the dirt, it felt like all the negative energy from the day had just disappeared. That is true healing.

[academicdaydreaming]

3•31•21

I have a dissertation adviser!!

For context, my PhD program gives us our first year to solidify an adviser. Everyone else in my cohort had already made headway on putting together a committee and there I was, severe rejection-avoidance, too scared to email the person I would like to work with.

Well, yesterday I finally sent the damn email. After an hour long Zoom conversation, I finally have an adviser that I am looking forward to working with. Now to just set up qualifying exams!

[academicdaydreaming]

3•28•21

I really need a full day off. Not a “disguised work day,” where I try to do small things here and there to feel productive. Not a day filled with guilt for not getting more done. Just a day for me.

I’m beginning to realize that academics doesn’t really allow for days off, though. It’s a stream of constant deadlines and to-dos, emails and papers. How do we make sure we aren’t sucked dry by this system? Especially as grad students.

[meme-xx]

Moon (Oct. 30, 2019)

[academicdaydreaming]

Have you ever read an article that has set off unstoppable fireworks in your mind?

I’ve been searching for the right words/theory that would tie my research together - a process that has been incredibly frustrating. Then this morning I read an article for an Issues in Rhetorical Theory seminar, only to find the theory I’ve been searching for. I feel as though all the puzzle pieces are coming together.

Even if nothing else gets done today, I think this discovery means I can still count this as a good, productive day.

[bookworm-on-rainy-days]

[academicdaydreaming]

3•20•21

When I started my indoor jungle 4 years ago I was living in the tiniest 400 square foot apartment. I had the hardest time keeping anything alive.

Now, I’m not really sure what I’m doing right but everything is so green and happy - myself included. Added this little beeb yesterday as a treat for finishing midterm papers 🪴

[academicdaydreaming]

So now that I’m officially on anxiety and ADHD meds, I’m left with one burning question:

ARE THERE REALLY PEOPLE THAT NATURALLY FEEL LIKE THIS?!

Is this what life is supposed to feel like?! I literally feel like I’ve been reborn.

[academicdaydreaming]

3•17•2021

Stimulus check ✅ COVID Vaccine ✅ Fall class registration ✅

Now if only I could finish this paper’s literature review. I am really dragging my feet on it and I can’t tell if it’s because (1) I’m just not really that invested in the topic or (2) I’m hitting a major burn out wall. Not having a spring break has really just crushed my motivation. Who knew a 7 day “break” was so important?

[thatfrenchacademic]

I realize that one of the reason I don’t like the publishing process is that I don’t want to explain the stuff I find interesting. I just want to find it interesting. I don;t care for rationalizing why it happens and expain things scientifically like there is one single reality to explain the awesome thing I study. It’s just not what I am here for. Why would I break the spell and spoil it. Keep it mysterious dammit. Who knows why the thing happen. So many possibilities. I don’t want to know. I want to be amazed and bewildered by the thing. I don’t care for certainties and science, I want possibilities and potential. But science, and funding, and need to show that research is relevant so I can get paid for it, etc… 

What I am saying is that there is an alternative universe where academic articles are closer to Stephen King thrillers than Sherlock Holmes stories and it would not make or much scientific progress EVER, but it sure as hell would make academic writing more palatable. 

[academicdaydreaming]

I feel this in my soul. Just let me learn! Let me sit in the mysteriousness of it all!

Publish or perish sucks all the fun out of academics.

[reputayswift]

Mentally, I am here

[litsnaps]

[academicdaydreaming]

In the last few months I’ve realized my doctoral research is taking an unexpected turn (ok, I probably should have anticipated this).

Imposter syndrome is already real, but on top of that I’ve been teetering back and forth between a feeling of excitement, like I’m coming into my own, and feeling like I’m perpetually lost and behind. How do I hold on to those moments of bliss, especially when the pressure feels like it’s suffocating me?