AdAstraPerAsperger

Ravings and rants from a disorganized and disillusioned mind. Expect puns, wordplay, the unexpected and general strange behaviour. I am not a native English speaker. But I am trying my best at being one. Also, I am male. All aboard! Asperger's Express, bound for the unknown!

[kynthosyuat]

Ponyboi pulling the sulky

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Seductive submission and beautiful tack. Wish I was the pony.

[zullala]

I’ve been on such a ponygirl kick as of late. I am just adoring the costumes!  Everyone looks so pretty and sexy.

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Agreed

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Back and confused

Bipolar? Probably.

Oversexuality? That's for sure.

Ponygirls? Ponygirls for the love of all good things! Ponygirls! How did it come to this?

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Text vs. images

I like text. I like to have long and incoherent verbal debates with myself in text form. To contrast my views against my own sense of what at least seems objective. I don't write to others I know or don't know. I write mainly for the sake of writing.

I probably mentioned this before, but it deserves a reiteration: I have probably consciously written more than I've consciously read. General reading of necessity or by accident certainly exceeds the amount I've written, byte for byte.

Images, photos and figures is not my thing. I own a camera, but I use it to document things, not to capture the moment or feeling of the moment. Needless to say, my camera sees little use.

I have a large text file on my computer which I add to almost daily with various thoughts and arguments. These sometimes make their way onto Tumblr, most often they do not.

But I should try to focus more on stuff that matter.

[l-o-v-e-not-w-a-r]

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Why aren't more women wearing things like this? They are after all allowed by the fact of being women. I think it is a wonderful dress, but I could never wear it because I'm a man.

Jealousy. Or something.

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The Hippie

I am a hippie, not by choice or necessity, but by natural coincidence. I resent hippie values, but I can't get past the fact that I am one of them.

Although I have never used drugs of any kind, abhor leftist values of collectivism and conformity, regard the environment as something to be protected not by law and regulation but instead based in common sense (hippies call it peace and love). My Asperger's syndrome seems to make me feel like I high all the time, unwillingly. I don't hallucinate (I think) but I sometimes feel exhilarated for reasons unknown to me.

I've watched the participants in the Occupy-movement and found they are goofy and lacking in their arguments and discussion. They are hippies, they protest of protests sake. I don't protest -- because I'm afraid of the reactions of people. I sit at home sulking in my own sadness. My hippie is starving.

I don't think the government should tell you what you are allowed to consume. If you do bad things to yourself or others because of what you've been consuming you should take full responsibility for your actions. I am not against drugs but I don't see myself using them.

I have problems focusing and probably have some comorbid condition like a learning disability. I don't like it.

Peace and love? Those don't even have anything in common. But they are alluring ideas where the freedom of the individual seems to be in focus.

I own clothes hippies could own. Custom designed for me, at my request.

I am deep and spiritual -- yet with my feet firmly planted on the ground. I care for others in a way which makes me not care for myself. I am certainly not selfish (even though this little outburst might seem egocentric).

I eat meat. I drive a car (having owned four). I don't love animals. I am not superstitious or religious. These are defensive barriers I've set up to deny my hippie access to my life.

Hippies embrace free love. I embrace free love -- to a point. I don't care what others think, hippies don't either. I like freedom, but who doesn't?

Hippies are into nudity -- so am I (at present in fact). I like nudity and would like to live a clothes-free life, I am not afraid of my body; in fact:

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

~ Baz Luhrmann

are words I live by.

I can't even seem to master the idea of having a regular schedule for taking showers. I blame the hippie inside.

Hippies seem to be happy people. Able to function socially in a natural and uncomplicated way. They live the simple life, full of freedom. Social IQ cubed.

Being the curious and of course over-tolerant hippie I am I looked up definitions of what hippies are considered to be. It didn't do what I wanted it to do -- give me info I could use to deny my inner hippie (and other hippies) a valid reason to exist. Instead it increased their validity by several orders of magnitude.

I feel fear when I think of hippies, but not other hippies, but hippies in general. I feel the fear of me being one of them being found out by my relatives, my peers (who do not exist) and my co-workers. They might think I am idiot and my pride tells me I should not let that happen.

I am at a crossroads here. Do I choose to continue down the hippie trail or do I take the other way and reject my inner hippie?

[cloudy-babyblue-deactivated2020]

Reblog if you struggle with depression, or an eating disorder, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADD, OCD, if you self harm, are suicidal or if you have any mental health problem. This is not to seek attention, pity, or judgement. This is to say you are here, and you are not alone. This is to say that no one out there is alone, and we are here to support each other. Reblog.

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That would be depression for me.

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Recently I played around with SVG and generated this grid just to see if I could do it.

I find that I cannot look away when I see this picture (the original fills the entire window of the web browser) and I have yet to close the tab.

The subtle silver lines and the effect dotted effect makes my mind relax. Vibrations are also soothing -- for my Aspie mind. Mathematical perfection and personal gratification achieved with vector graphics -- your mileage may vary.

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Yes, I was bored. Yes, I need to buy more decks of cards. No, I don't live in an area where earthquakes are common.

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More org

I have just decided to ditch Google Calendar for Emacs Org. Maybe I did something stupid.

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Inquisitive-mode

Is it possible for a mental health professional (a psychologist or a psychiatrist) to see Asperger's syndrome when in reality the problem actually is social phobia?

Of course anything is possible in the mind of the deliberate liberal, but generally speaking it probably still is possible.

Perhaps my self-diagnosis of social phobia in 2003 was right after all.

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I'm not a stalker

I follow nobody. Not in real life and not in the fake Internet-way. Following my followers will lead me to walk in circles. Lost people walk in circles. Leaders lead.

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Tasks

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

All this according to Robert Heinlein.

I have crossed out the ones I am somewhat confident I am able to do.

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Sharing some secrets

You know what I like to do? I like to cross-dress. I love to dress up as a very feminine woman at times and walk around the house performing housework. I especially like to do the dishes -- by hand. The warm water and the fact that I get really clean whilst the dishes will too is a really satisfying one.

Admitting this little "hobby" of mine to my parents was probably a much bigger thing for them than it was for me. They probably think I'm gay now.

Right now I am wearing my favourite French maid's uniform (the one I mentioned in a previous posting) and a big fat diaper underneath (another fetish of mine).

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Why Youtube, why?

OK. I like to watch videos on Youtube. Who doesn't?

Recently they've implemented a new interface. A sucky new interface.

It used to be easy to see recent uploads made by the producers I am subscribed to. Now it is no longer the case.

Also, I have no interest in seeing what my subscribed producers liked and commented on my Youtube start page. This has to stop! Give us back the old interface.

I certainly didn't ask for this and this new style is a serious setback. Usability has gone out the window(s) this time. Youtube is no longer fun.

"User friendly" is supposed to mean "easy to use", not "as we like it and you better too."

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Here's a thing

How come I am somewhat able to tell right from wrong but not from left?

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Tasted whiskey today

For the first time ever. Disgusting. The smell was better than the taste though. I thought the smell was kind of like that of beer but only much stronger.

-- But whiskey is a drink you must learn to like, it's like wine or coffee or certain foods. Also, it is part of Scottish culture -- you wouldn't shun the Scots, would you, laddie?

Really? If something tastes bad -- like cigarettes -- the first time it is going to taste just as bad the second, the third, the fourth, ad infinitum. What happens is you acquire a sense of the taste -- you learn to like it. To those who say that I have a jar of arsenic in the basement -- it's an acquired taste you see, you'll learn to like it.

I can remember the first time I was offered a piece of chocolate. I was skeptical back then and I am still skeptical of the kinds I haven't tasted. The chocolate wasn't even real chocolate but instead that pansy-Swedish stuff which under International Chocolate Law qualifies as candy rather than chocolate. Even so, it tasted nice enough for me to ask for another piece. That was 28 years ago.

As for the Scots I can't say what I think of them. I've met a few and they seemed just like everybody else apart from their national pride. I am a Swedish nationalist and I submit under the idea that nationalism is a good idea. But I don't consider other nations to be worse or better than my own. Just different.

Keep your whiskey and whine about your wine. I am ready to get suited up in my PVC French maid's outfit and diapers.