It’s June. I’m proud. I’m proud to be queer, brown and I’m not ashamed of being HIV+. But aside from being proud, I’m many other things.
I’m sad for our recent loss. I’m mad at the reactions. I’m confused as to why people can’t understand how we set this up.
My head hurts because there’s so many things I want to say and I wish I had something profound to say but I can’t think clearly and I don’t know what to say first or how to.
But this is my space. So I’m going to make a mess out of it and be done with it.
I don’t feel safe anymore. I’m scared again. I was leaving dinner with my boyfriend the other night and we were kissing goodbye in the parking lot. A family was walking by; a father, mother and child. They gave major side eye but said nothing. I thought, “How nice. No one said anything and we didn’t have to defend ourselves. Progress.” Which thinking about it now, what the fuck why is that still my first response being seen being queer. Then three days later I realized that moment was only a fluke. That in all the “progress” made there’s major gaps.
I’m pissed off because some people are using the attack as a pipeline for their xenophobia. Specifically against Muslims and other POC. Immigrants or not. Saying shit like, “This was an attack on HUMANS!” What kind of “all lives matter” bullshit is that? Obvi it was an attack on humanity. But WHOSE humanity? It was “Latin Night” with trans and GNC performers. Don’t fucking forget that.
And now there’s reports that he may have been closeted. So now he’s one of ours right? Really though, whatever his orientation, someone at some point made him feel a certain way about this community.
Speaking of this community, if ANY good will come from the attack, I’m hoping it will be to unify us. And not profile picture filter unity. Real unity. Where we talk about the blatant racism, misogyny, fat-shaming, transphobia and other ridiculous shit that riddles our community. I want us to remember how to fight for each other as WHOLE people and not just as that one part of the acronym we align ourselves with.
In resurrecting a true sense of community, one hope of mine is that we’ll take on the issue of gun reform. Because how is that America has surpassed everyone else when it comes to mass shootings in the year. How? Why is it so easy for ASNYONE to buy a gun. How does it take less than a day to get a gun but gay, bi, pan, same gender loving men have to pledge celibacy for A WHOLE YEAR before they can donate blood for their dying queer family? Which is another pile of bullshit I hope we can clear up.
And then we have public figures coming forward in fake ass prayers and condolences to family and friends of the lives taken, only to get back to work pouring salt into our wounds a few days after: blocking a bill that would protect us as employees. Fuck the GOP. And fuck all you fake allies on facebook. Keep your prayers.
Listen, if you’ve read this far, thanks for riding out my rambling. I guess the last thought I’ll share is that if anyone who has ever remained complacent or neutral or quiet in the face of hate and ignorance against our community has blood on their hands. Our “allies”, our family, friends, coworkers, local business owners, ANYONE who has never stood up for us, and ANYONE who has stayed quiet through all of this, loaded that fucking gun.
I’m so tired and I feel hopeless. But at the end of the day, I’m not going to stop. I have no choice. Every day that I wake up queer and Latino is another day that I will keep fighting. And I will be gay as fuck for those taken from us. And I will challenge anything that is working to put any of us down. Someone posted on facebook or twitter the other day that Pride is celebrated because when you fall anywhere in our community you’re proud to be alive every day. Despite the hateful shit that happens to us on the regular.
Shout out to queer people.
Shout out to trans people.
Shout out to trans women.
Shout out to GNC people.
Shout out to black people.
Shout out to Latinx people.
Shout out to undocumented people.
Shout out to Muslim people.
Shout out to unapologetic people.
Shout out to same gender loving people.
Shout out to any person on the spectrum of Marginalized Orientations, Gender Alignments, or Intersex.
Be proud with me to still be standing.