Reasons Why I'm a Mess

Everything is queued, sorry if the memes are late

[laurens-german]

fictional men written by women we love you.

OFF CAMPUS (2026—)

[screensland]

elle, opening title (2026).

[claypigeonpottery]

I truly sacrificed to create this ridiculous mug. biting clay is a bad sensory experience 😔 who would have guessed

I’m tempted not to glaze the bite marks so it looks like it was bitten through the glaze lmao

[raychleadele]

I showed this to my husband and he said he wants four mugs like this in various states of eaten, so he can swap when no one’s looking and make it look like he’s actually eating it.

[vintageandroid]

i made a post like this before but I can't find it now. so. I'll just redo it.

What's the first "big news story" you remember from when you were a kid?

It's something I love to ask mixed-aged groups sometimes because I think it's really interesting to see the responses. I've gotten answers from the Olympics of [whatever year] to Watergate to more recent stuff from my niblings.

My first news thing I remember is the OJ Simpson trial. I vaguely remember watching the news with my grandparents before that, but that's the first story I remember, in part because my second grade teacher had us go play so she could watch the verdict 😂

[mclennonyaoi]

working with kids and one of them says “you know you eat 8 spiders a night on average right?” and another goes “no no no those statistics are actually skewed by people who like eat spiders recreationally for fun and stuff” and my head snapped up like a fucking sleeper agent

[sluggoonthestreet]

The emergence of Ignatius, deeply entranced by what he sincerely hopes is real lava.

[politedemon]

TED LASSO || S01E10

[just-another-regular-dude]

[pronouncingitwang]

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

[yokowan]

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

[le-jardin-inculte]

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

[shithowdy]

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

[whitachi]

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

[araceil]

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

[eccebitch]

[fabricandcircuits]

Peer reviewed tags wonderfully said

[grimeclown]

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

[grimeclown]

Snakeyes Pete is from Toronto he gave me a button once that said "Canadians have the best luck" and i said i thought that was the Irish and he said "I fucking hate the irish" and i said okay

[setulose]

Trace amounts of Monica in my life

[setulose]

A statistically insignificant level of Monica in my life

[setulose]

My life manufactured in a facility that also processes Monica

[sweetfears]

Too funny to leave in comments @inkskinned

[dailyflicks]

My God, you are just a baby. I bet you're a Gemini like me.

[guiltfactory]

BAD NEWS: it will not be the same forever

GOOD NEWS: it will not be the same forever

[the-faultofdaedalus]

what if you died and instead of getting revived properly something else came back wearing your face and voice and body and you had to watch. what if none of your coworkers realized what had happened for weeks despite this copy acting so differently from you. what if even when they DID figure out that the thing that replaced you wasn't you their main concern was trying to keep anyone else from finding out. what if they prefered the mimic. what if they befriended the mimic. what if they decided they didn't want you back at all. what then.

[the-faultofdaedalus]

this thing isn't you. it has nothing that is important to being you. it has your face and your sword and nothing else. you were a Knight. you had a Holy Quest. you were going to Save The World. even if not really anyone believed in you. you had Divine Light. so you, stuck ethereal, a ghost, seen only by this bad copy, try and guide its useless flesh into something useful. because it is useful. it cannot summon your Divine Light. it does not wield a blade like you did until you show it so it can mimic your movements. it does not command as you did. you try to guide it and this group of nobodies you have collected on this Holy Quest with maybe a teensy tiny detour to something that could really truly bring you back. because truly how will they ever succeed without you. the real you.

unfortunately they seem more concerned with trying to teach the thing wearing your face how to do things like enjoy food and relax and "be a person", however any of that is going to help

[analog-television]

i learned about a stupid looking bird today and i cant stop laughing

its called a crested satinbird (cnemophilus macgregorii)

[bace-jeleren]

[batterbees]

[bob-artist]

You can't just nerf him without admitting that he was too powerful in his original form

[iwilleatyourenglish]

yet another cosmic unfairness: a manatee is some kind of big fat dumpling beast of the sea that wants you to pet it so bad we had to make laws against doing just that for their safety

[iwilleatyourenglish]

jail time and a desire to see them thrive are the only things staying my tender heart and gentle hand