The 13th annual international gender census, collecting information about the language we use to refer to ourselves and each other, is now open until 13th August 2026.
It’s short and easy, for most participants it takes 5 minutes or less.
After the survey is closed I’ll process the results and publish a spreadsheet of the data and a report summarising the main findings. Then anyone can use them for academic or business purposes, self-advocacy, tracking the popularity of language over time, and just feeling like we’re part of a huge and diverse community.
If you think you might have friends and followers who’d be interested, please do reblog this blog post, and share the survey URL by email or at AFK social groups or on other social networks. Every share is extremely helpful!
Survey URL: https://survey.gendercensus.com
The survey is open to anyone anywhere who speaks English and feels that the gender binary doesn’t fully describe their experience of themselves and their gender(s) or lack thereof.
Thank you so much!
[ Link to survey ]
PS: You can see some regularly-updated statistics about incoming data here, with lots of demography and graphs to peruse!
A Simple Guide to Not Being Afraid to Write Comments to Fic You Read
I've seen a lot of posts about the current state of fanfiction comments. Writers, especially writers who have been in fandom for a decade or more, are frustrated by the lack of comments, and have noticed a definite decline in comments (and all other forms of reader interaction) in the past ten years or so. Many readers feel daunted by the expectation of leaving comments, afraid they'll do something wrong. As a fandom old maid, the latter confused me for a while, until I realized that most of the people who feel that way probably have not been taught this form of communication.
But your loving fandom elders are here for you. Come along as your auntie tumblr user icemankazansky makes this shit easy.
The easiest way to think of fanfiction comment etiquette is to compare it to something you likely already know: Gift Receiving Etiquette.
Fanfiction began as largely a gift economy. And a lot of it still is! You'll see authors participate in exchanges like Yuletide and Id Pro Quo; those are ficswaps in which authors write for a specific person to specific prompts. And even outside that, fanfiction is not written for money; authors write and post it simply for the joy of creation and community with fellow fans. Fic is posted free for anyone to enjoy. Is that not a gift?
So. When you as a reader finish the chapter or story you're reading and you are faced with the comment box, try to follow the same etiquette you would when receiving a gift. (And even if you didn't love this gift and it's not your favorite gift ever, we already know that it's more useful than the products from your cousin's MLM that they're passing off as gifts, because you read the story. At the very least, it entertained you for the time you took to read it.)
The big rule of gift receiving etiquette is not to insult the person who gave you the gift, either directly or indirectly. That's it. Full stop.
I've been seeing a lot of comments lately that are just along the lines of, "Thank you for writing this story and sharing it with us." A+, top of the class, full marks, you're doing amazing. If you don't feel comfortable commenting on the story itself, that is perfect feedback. And that's the most basic way you respond to a gift, yes? Thank you for the gift. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for sharing.
Does this rule mean that you cannot say anything at all that might be negative about anything? No, absolutely not. What you want to avoid is saying something that is, at its core, a negative evaluation of the author or their work. Let's do some examples.
Character A's obliviousness about Character B's MASSIVE crush on them made me so frustrated! I was tearing my hair out internally screaming, "JUST LET HIM LOVE YOU."
✔️ Excellent comment! You're allowed to have all sorts of feelings about things that happen in the story, and in fact authors LOVE to hear about any emotions they made you feel. Yes, frustration is not a positive emotion, but the thing you are expressing frustration about is not the author themselves or their shortcomings.
Contrast that to:
I was really frustrated that it took you so long to post this chapter. The cliffhanger at the end of the previous chapter had me tearing my hair out, and then you just left us hanging FOREVER!
❌ Nope! Here what you are expressing is frustration with the author and how fast they come out with new chapters. Imagine your sister buys you a gift for your birthday, but she isn't able to give it to you until the next week, and you respond with: "What took you so long?" I think Emily Post would frown on that.
Reframing
The way you say something and the point of view from which you give feedback can have a HUGE impact on the message you're sending. Let's take the last comment (the one about wanting an update) and see what happens when we reframe the same sentiment as a positive:
I was SO EXCITED to see that you updated this story! I have really been looking forward to seeing what happened after the cliffhanger in the last chapter.
✔️ Now it's not an insult. The author will be happy to know that you are happy to see new work from them.
This idea extends beyond the story itself: to the fandom, the characters, the pairing, the tropes, etc. Let's do some examples.
I looooove reading about these sexy boys SO IN LOVE even though the movie you're writing about is SOOOOO problematic.
❌ Nope! Assume that the author enjoys the canon, characters, pairing, etc. in the stories they write. This comment is insulting to the author because it basically says, "That thing you love is not great, and you should probably feel bad for liking it." Imagine your aunt gifts you a sweater from a popular retailer, and you respond with, "This is so cute, I love it! It's a shame that it was made in a sweatshop." Do you have a valid point about the canon or the retailer's business practices? You very well might. Is this the proper time and place to talk about it? Absolutely not.
Let's do a reframing exercise. You should be very careful about how you approach commenting negatively on anything in the story that appears in the tags list, but you can make it a compliment and good feedback if you have the right perspective. See the difference with these two approaches:
I kind of think frottage is disgusting, but I liked it in this story.
❌ Nope! You just told the author you think their kink is disgusting. That's like telling your poor aunt who is just trying to keep you warm this winter that she has awful taste in knitwear. Try again.
Frottage normally isn't my kink, but I love your other stories with this pairing, so I decided to give it a try, and I'm SOOOOO GLAD that I did! This story was 🔥🔥🔥
✔️ "This normally isn't my thing, but you made me expand my horizons!" Authors love to hear that. That's like telling your aunt, "I never thought this color looked good on me, but I look so cute in this sweater! I'm so glad you helped me step outside my comfort zone, because I'm the better for it."
thank u, next
The last thing I want to address is this new trend I've seen in commenting lately: placing an order. If your mom surprises you with new headphones, you don't respond with, "I wanted the white ones 🙁," or, "You should get me a new phone, too." It's easy to see why that isn't appropriate in a gifting situation, and it's also not appropriate when commenting on fanfiction.
Let's do some examples:
This fic was soooo cute, but it would have been a million times better if Character A had been with Character C instead of Character B.
❌ There are a few things going on here. Number one, you're telling your mom you wanted the white headphones, not the ones she actually bought you. You're also disparaging the A/B pairing that the author chose to write about, and as we discussed, we can assume that the author wrote the pairing because they liked it. Even if it's not their favorite and/or they also write A/C, they made a choice for this story to be A/B, and the comments section of a fic is not the place to question choices the author made in their own work.
You should write a story where Character Z who is not even in this story does [thing that is vaguely referenced in the B plot].
❌ "You should get me a new phone, too."
I want a sequel. 😞
❌ "Thank you, next!"
You can reframe this kind of sentiment if you are careful about it, and it's not all you say.
I really loved this story. I would be so interested to see these ideas explored further if you ever decide to write more in this universe.
✔️ Not "gimme." Not "more." This is, "If you build it, I will come." It is a HUGE difference.
You already know how to do this. You know how to graciously accept a gift; just use that same etiquette, and boom! Now you know how to fearlessly write a comment to fic you read. You're doing amazing. Go forth and comment.
He's one of those angry, weird, gatekeeping nerds who gets angry when a gross girl wants to touch his Magic cards, then complains that no girls will talk to him.
He's all the weird things we've worked so hard to push out of the larger community of nerds that we all love.
I'm not bothering to reblog them, but the boys are BIG BIG MAD that I, and a lot of us elder nerds, applied the Paradox of Tolerance to what is broadly described as "the nerd community" so it would be a more welcoming and inclusive place. They're rolling out the same boring and lazy insults and memes they always use, in what appears to be an epic circlejerk of cringey victimization.
I don't care what these guys think, so I'm not responding to them. But this issue comes up from time to time, and thought this presentedan opportunity to clarify what I view as the big difference between a gatekeeper and a caretaker.
For too long, weird, antisocial gatekeepers did their best to make women (and anyone who wasn't a cishet white dude) feel unwelcome in gatherings of sci-fi, fantasy, gaming, and other "nerd" spaces, while they complained that they never got the attention from women they felt they deserved. Those dudes were always outnumbered by the rest of us, but they were the loudest and always got the most attention.
But one day, the majority of us sort of collectively realized that nobody ever agreed that these boys were in charge of us and our relationship with the things we loved. We told them that they didn't get to gatekeep anymore. It took years, but we slowly changed the culture to be more inclusive, more diverse, and less toxic. And holy shit did I not realize the extent and depth of the toxicity until it wasn't there, protected as I was by my demographic privilege. Jesus Christ was it toxic.
For years, these boys (most of them are still boys, well into their adult lives) have been big big mad that the majority of us, who never agreed with them, finally stood up and established a boundary. We said that all are welcome, unless you're a dick. These boys and JD Vance aren't able to cross that boundary, because it's at odds with who they fundamentally are in their core. They are bullies who like the same things a lot of nerds like. We are not the same. Our weird is amazing and fun, while their weird is ... weird. Offputting. Strange.
We aren't going back to a time when women felt unsafe and unwelcome at cons, because self-proclaimed "nerds" like JD Vance, who are just toxic bros who missed the entire point of The Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, and Star Wars, now have to respect clear and posted anti-harassment policies that carry real consequences.
We aren't going back to a time when someone had to pass an arbitrary trivia test, delivered by a self-appointed gatekeeper like JD Vance, to participate in any aspect of fan culture, because that demand is now met with the dismissive eyerolls it always deserved. Our cons, our game stores, our comic shops, and all of our spaces are safe and welcome to all because we work together to protect them from entitled weirdos like JD Vance.
All are welcome, just don't be a dick.
That's how it is now. That is massive progress. It is a fantastic thing, and we are going to protect our county from JD Vance and people like him, the same way we protect nerd culture from JD Vance and people like him. That was the point of the article I linked to with my original quote that inspired this ask:
For Vance and others, it’s not their interests in comic books or sci-fi that sets them apart now. What’s weird is their refusal to share that win with anyone who doesn’t fit the outdated stereotype of who and what a nerd is.
I'm not a gatekeeping hypocrite, as some boy declared, because I work to keep toxic boys -- who derive a sense of power and importance from bullying -- away from a community I care about. I'm, uh, ... you know ... being a caretaker.
There are a lot of us caretakers, now that I think about it. The vast majority of us, I imagine. So I am but one of the caretakers in this garden, keeping the weeds out, and protecting the plants from pests, so the garden can thrive. I'm proud as hell, and so grateful, to be part of that.
If you're reading this, odds are you are, too. Thank you for that. I love our garden.
For anyone who doubts Wil's word on this, let me offer my experiences as a woman in the TTRPG space. For the record, I am a year older than Wil.
I started playing D&D when it was the redbox and AD&D. The neighbor boy, who was the only kid my age in the area I was allowed free range, begged me to play and DM'd. For years, that was the only way I played.
Then he moved, and I joined the little group at the library where he played. I was the only girl. I became the little sister to everyone in the group, emphasis on the little part. Suddenly, I went from complete control of all 6 members of the party, to just my little thief. He was a halfling, and, more importantly, he was a he. Back then (iirc) female characters had weaker stats and nobody played a female character. I was told I should be playing a girl, because I was a girl. Except I'd been playing my little thief for a while now, and I wanted to keep playing him. Eventually I won that battle simply by refusing to create a new character.
Then I moved and I stopped playing because it was high school during the Satanic Panic, and D&D wasn't talked about openly, and I was also coming into the school late and was doing my best to fit in and being a D&D geek was not cool. There's a whole lot more around that move, but just let it be said that high school sucked big hairy moose balls, and not only because I wasn't playing D&D.
By 20, I was on my own, working at a real job, making real money and not minimum wage and discovered a game/hobby shop on my commute. It had been 5 years since I'd played, and I missed it. I stopped in to see if there was a group, what was new, and look for dice and minis.
The gatekeeping was so strong, you'd have thought was walking into Mordor. I was quizzed on my character, and got it wrong because the class had switched from thief to rogue and halflings now had sub-races, and I couldn't answer that question. Every question I asked was answered as if I should have known already, and by the time I'd gotten to the (now reluctant) question about joining a group, there were quite a few boys guys hanging around. One of them answered with I was welcome to join their group, they needed a healer and a female one would be very welcome, wink wink, nudge nudge. At that point one or two of the braver degens started hitting on me. I left and never went back.
At this point, I would like to point out that I was most likely wearing overalls (it was the 90s, sue me), a tshirt and absolutely no makeup. I have never been called pretty, and the best I've gotten was 'damn, you clean up well' and that was on my wedding day when I had my makeup done professionally (no, my husband didn't say that).
Fast forward 20 years, and now I've got a high school kid who's going through some mental health shit, and we're looking for ways to get him involved in things outside of the house. I refused to even look to see if that game shop is still around, but find out there's one near by that advertises themselves as "family friendly." I go check it out. Turns out the owner was running the shop that day and he not only welcomed me, but was horrified that I hadn't played in so long, and encouraged me to bring my kid play.
When he said family friendly, he meant family friendly. There were players older than me on down to 12 and the first thing I was told - by the mostly male members of the groups - was that if anyone gave me shit, to let someone know. The person would be permabanned from the store; it had happened before and would happen again.
I played at that store for 6 years with absolutely zero problems. I brought my daughter to play at that store with absolutely zero problems. I DM'd and had the complete respect of my table. There were 5 tables, with anywhere from 30 to 50 people playing and I'd say 90% of them were men or boys. It got to be they had to cap the participants because too many people wanted to play.
Group play stopped during Covid, obviously, and I moved out of state before it started back up, otherwise I'd still be there. I found a group in my new location, and while they aren't gatekeeping, they all think they're either dank edgelords or so special they should be able to play their overpowered homebrew races and I wasn't having enough fun to justify driving an hour each way to play for three hours. That's a personal preference, and I played with them for a few months before I decided that group wasn't for me. At no point did any of them question my right to be there, make assumptions about me or my characters, or generally made me feel unwelcome. On the contrary, a few of them were ecstatic to have new blood. I was surprised since I moved to the middle of nowhere and am surrounded by Trump flags.
That caretaking Wil's talking about does, and has, had an effect, and its a good one. Keep on weeding that garden, because if all you geeky nerdy weird dudes want geeky nerdy weird women in your spaces, we have to feel safe there. Because if we don't, we probably won't say anything, we just won't come back, and we'll tell our friends not to even bother.
A note for those who have trouble measuring butter with a spoon as I do: one cup I am sixteen tablespoons. Butter/margarine bricks are usually a half a cup, so just cut one eighth of that amount
These are really good! And yes, for the love of god, if you have it use white sugar and brown sugar, add just a pinch of salt, and as many chocolate chips as you darn well please. Great with icecream, whipped cream on top, or a tall glass of milk (keep in mind you gotta eat it with a spoon, you can’t dip it in milk)
most tragic thing about wanting to see more stuff of your oc is that the c is o and YOU have to make the stuff. devastating. why can’t art of my beautiful baby just appear in my hands. just materialize under my pillow, like from the tooth fairy
taking off a mask to reveal what lies beneath as a romantic gesture is overdone, and besides i want to see the romantic or even platonic potential of protecting someone's identity beneath the mask, without any expectation of ever being allowed to see what's under it. picking it up and holding it gently to their face when it's knocked off and they're in danger of being exposed, without trying to catch a glimpse of what they "really" look like under there. throwing yourself in front of them to hide them from view while they put themselves back together without taking advantage or looking back to see what you're protecting. learning to read them by body language, tone of voice, and behaviour so well that you never need to see their face to feel like you know and understand them.
all goofing aside I genuinely don't understand the urge to reimagine Taylor Allison Swift as a secretly queer icon when the pop music scene(TM) is like. literally overflowing with women who actually like women. Gaga and Kesha and Miley and Halsey are right there. Rina Sawayama and Hayley Kiyoko and Rebecca Black and Kehlani and Victoria Monét and Miya Folick if you're willing to get slightly less top 100. Janelle and Demi for them nonbinary takes on liking girls. like what are we doing here. like I'm not even saying you can't enjoy Taylor but why would you hang all your little gay hopes on her.
why have multiple people reblogged this with some horse-assed "um actually most of these people are bi or pan" did I fucking stutter I said they like girls. what is your point. I'm going to kill you.
btw to just clarify for anyone who sees this reblog of this post
op is basically saying something along the lines of "yea ik taylor swift is bi but like. why is she y'all's only lgbtq+ pop icon when there are all these other lgbtq+ people in the pop scene???"
i might have worded this badly but hopefully i got the main point across
#I think it’s so funny I got that damn Taylor swift ad underneath this#anyways this is reminding me of that makeup post from way back when#where someone was saying no makeup is a valid way to wear your face and everyone kept insisting that you only need like….4 products
Please actually read the post because Taylor Swift isn't gay or queer you're just protecting because you want a reason to treat a real person like she's not humanly here.
If you want women or non-binary people to talk about their love of women there's actual bi/pan/lesbian artists who talk about their love of women and sing songs about it. You literally don't have an excuse to not listen to their songs at least once, especially if you're after W/W rep that Taylor Swift literally can't give you because she's Straight.
It's actually so simple in fact to find a song about kissing girls as a girl because there's a fucking song titled "I KISSED A GIRL" By LADY GAGA!!!!!
Wow this post was already infuriating last time I saw it and now it's so much worse. I genuinely hope people are just fucking with you op because there's no excuse for reading comprehension this horrific
Being asexual means not experiencing sexual attraction. Sex repulsion, in the context of asexuality, means being repulsed by the idea of yourself having sex. Things it's totally possible to do while being a sex-repulsed asexual:
Have a sex drive
Support other people's right to have sex
Support other people's rights to talk about and/or depict sex and sexuality
Engage with art explicitly depicting and/or discussing sex and sexuality
Create art that explicitly depicts and/or discusses sex and sexuality
Beat someone to death with your bare hands in the dead of night
Grapple with what you've done as lights flash in the distance
Dig a shallow grave
As you lay the last shovel-full of dirt, catch the glint of metal in the corner of your eye
Rush toward the gun, eyes wild and shovel forgotten
Grapple less figuratively, fighting to get the upper hand, clawing with teeth and dirt-covered bloody nails
