Caffeine-infused writer who doesn't write

She/They, 21+, definitely not straight, okay pretty much had a grasp of this app. Multifandom, multiship. Currently barking at IttoAmberCrose. PFP: @cIoudkv (capital "i") on twitter.

[akdanize]

i may be stupid, but

I’m trying!!

Hi, hello *shimmies into this room*

While I may either be caffeine or whiskey infused from time to time, I’d like to think I have my shit together. 

Just for a small intro: I’m Zen. Call me Zen! I also go by Jan or January with my friends. I have a couple of pseuds I use for other fandoms and audiences, but it all boils down here. (or if you prefer calling me ‘akdanize’, go ahead)

AKDANIZE is my username, which means “written by Ze” in my local language. Ze was my pseud when I started writing and it has a special place in my heart.

okay we get it. now on to my wips (btw here’s my Ao3, here’s my carrd.)

Currently clawing my eyes out at:

Amidst Breeze and an Odd Pup (featuring my OC and Kei’s) Chapter 2

the plot for whatever the heck goes on at my celebrity x bodyguard AmberCrose

fic gift for friend due a year ago (screaming)

fic gift for friend #2 due on september

And maybe the couple more things I shouldn’t start now so I don’t burn out immediately but ehhh probably will anyways:

AmberCrose plush bunnies

Amber/Ittou/Sucrose and my shameful attempt at smut

DiluVen being softies 

Some originals that might make it into various websites 

HOPEFULLY I can resume writing by July or else.....

OH and one more thing!

#akdanize posts - general day-to-day shittery 

#akdanize updates - mostly “writer” updates, sometimes personal

#akdanize writes - drabbles, short fics, anything that pours out from my last two braincells 

[akdanize]

so... midnights by taylor swift

this is how i’d rank the 3am version, based completely on personal preferences. but i admit my brain’s a little fried from the events of today. IT’S GREAT!!! 

[akdanize]

mental illness is hard

i have been in and out of health centers and ngl it’s been tough. the costs, and everything that comes with it. people are expecting me to not give up but i kinda want to just stop and rest. im tired.

[akdanize]

i still don’t know how to adult

so it’s like hellfire in my life rn. but man i miss writing!!!

[akdanize]

the burnout is so real that

i might give up writing haha

[akdanize]

life updates

so. I was recently diagnosed with an STI.

(and damn near pride month too isn’t that homophobic)

thank god it’s curable.

but life has unfortunately been stressful. 

my mother has always been supportive of me and what i do but i unfortunately don’t know how to tell her.

i did eventually tell her, some adjustments have been made to function in the house. 

i also eventually told my friends.

my partner morally supports my recovery but idk where to start with in-depth talking about it because it’s been weighing me down.

I feel a ton of things that are probably just in my head, but i also know it’s all valid. 

my only wish for now is to let this week end more gratifying.

[pragnificent]

Reblog if you are a fic writer who welcomes moodboards, playlists, remixes, art and any other type of gift based on your stories.

[rosellacwrites]

Fan art turns me into this as @lnter-net knows well 😂

[wifeofbean]

I can’t fathom anyone actually making anything based on my stories, but it’s always welcome if anyone got inspired! ❤️

[allofasudden00]

I cry each time I see something even remotely related to my stories. You could tell me a coffee reminded you of one and I’d be in tears. 

[algaeguy]

ok hear me out

[akdanize]

IM GOING TO SCREAM AHHHHHH AMBERCROSE!!!!! theMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[inkskinned]

Actually life is beautiful because the sound I make while trying to breathe around hot food sounds like my dog trying to eat an apple. When I yawn my cat tries to put his face in my mouth like a little dentist man and when he yawns I put my finger in his obligate-carnivore trapzone and we both know he will not hurt me. When I do not fold my clothes, they do not hold it against me.

I am demonstrably sad, and lonely, and full of fear. But there are other people who will hold my hand, who will point out the hawk overhead, who will give you That Look in a public place. The other day at a coffee shop a child said "look! It's snowing!" so all of us strangers went to go look out the windows. It wasn't the first snow and it won't be the last but wasn't it lovely, like that?

How wonderful to live in a world where birds and frogs both say beep! How wonderful to have an ocean of beautiful sharks with their dinosaur teeth! How wonderful the moon and her changing face, how wonderful the bees and their dancing to communicate, how wonderful shrimp and their forbidden layers of vision! How wonderful, you, and what you will give the world! The way we love things enough to spend entire blogs devoted to them? How people will let me explain my Pokemon team to them? How we will both jump at the scare in the movie, how we laugh so loudly, how it feels to give someone your baking? How wonderful to be alive. I am sorry for forgetting.

This is the process of getting better. With wonderful people and wonderful strangers and wonderful friends: I am getting better, slowly. Thank you, whoever you are. In some way, you've been wonderful, and left a wonderful place in the world to ripple out to me. In some small way - isn't it beautiful - I promise, you've been helping.

[adarkerbeamoflight]

"How wonderful to be alive. I am sorry for forgetting."

[akdanize]

amber/sucrose hcs

because i cannot get enough of them.

amber likes teasing sucrose a lot, especially when they're out in public. the alchemist lady always left in whirlpool of her feelings.

but one time it was sucrose who initiated hand-holding, and, to everyone's surprise, amber stopped breathing. sure, Sucrose gets easily flustered, but Amber, on the other hand, passes out from too much.. everything. 

Please help her.

[anyanary]

Brush testing with Beiguang cuz they live rent free in my head, also look at me doing actual anatomy after 50 years of headshots lol

[akdanize]

Sending you lots of love and support 💗🌸💗🌸💗

tysm! 💗🌸 our fire will never stop burning

[akdanize]

https://youtu.be/fH-snX8f9xE

I hope you feel better 💗🌸

omfg thank you :(( ahhhh we crying again tonight 💗🌸

[akdanize]

feeling a little hopeless.

to my filipino countrymen, this good governance could have been for you.

[akdanize]

sxf au idea? AmberCrose!

sucrose as a spy/hitman. amber is just.. a normal girl trying to get a wife.

no one would suspect she's wanted in all seven nations, not especially if she's that sweet, that cute, that caring. not when she scrambles for words to say even when all she wanted to come out was another "hi, good morning amber!"

so when amber found out this soft-spoken, gentlelady, the one who blushes like it's second nature to her, the one who would always come to amber when she needs something. when amber found out she was a criminal, that lives were lost bc of sucrose, her world crumbled.

(i had this idea around 2021 as per my tweet here. no idea it would even be any relevant til today where i am full blown washed with spy x family and heartstopper brainworms)

[akdanize]

diluven hc drabbles

Diluc/Venti | kissing, insecurities, an immortal god loving a mortal human

that thing in diluven where...

Venti knew a lifetime is nothing compared to the agony of being an immortal archon so he doesn't take the chance. Cue Diluc having enough of this shit, grabs Venti by the collar and whispers, "Didn't take you for such a coward, bard."

Still, Venti looks away. He knows Diluc can be so straightforward, but having him? In a lifetime? Knowing full well Diluc would grow old and die and then leave him? He'd rather not; he's tired of being left alone over and over again.

But Diluc, oh he was yearning. He knows venti like the back of his hand. Him evading all of his winery tabs, him erasing people's memories to "protect" these people from the truth. But what of Diluc? Why didn’t venti erase his? Why, even after Venti confesses his love, does Diluc's memory remain? 

Perhaps venti knew, deep inside, that he didn't want to be forgotten. And if all else, if anyone were to remember the existence of a "Venti", it would be Diluc. It would be Diluc's Venti. "If you don't want this," he forces his frustration to the eyes of that bard, which was enough to make him look back. "..then push me away.." then he closed the gap between their lips. Diluc's kiss was long, trembly, leaving a wet spot on the love of his life like a river flowing back in spring after a long drought.

Venti received it in shock, at first, but this.. this is what he had always wanted. Knowing such a refined, intelligent man who has always been so calculating all of his life, fall for him, for a person like himself. He's speechless. And he does nothing more than deepen the kiss, hoping that his now lover would accept everything he is, he has, and will be.

[iwachansarm]

The uncrowned king of mondstadt